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Exhausted

I keep trying to do this blog routinely.. I think about it but do not actually write anything. I have spent the last year trying to find ways to eliminate this pain or at the very least minimize it so I can be active again. I struggle with shutting my mind off, I think that is why hiking became so important to me. I could go in the woods and think, I do not think I was really shutting my brain down as much as just consumed with going faster and further than the day before but my mind focused on that instead of going all over the place. My goal is to be able to hike again. I know I will likely not be able to do the miles I was, at least not daily and honestly I should not. But I want to get back out there, take a book and hike a bit and then just sit, read, write, breathe deep and be mindful. Mindfulness is so difficult. I want to slow my mind so I can sleep rather than walk myself into exhaustion.

2 years ago when I decided to get healthy I never thought I would be full circle back where I started only worse. I started doing it to lose weight so I did not have to go back on Metformin for my diabetes. I could barely walk because I was so heavy and when I did start I got the worst shin splints. Those were painful and I never thought it could be worse but here I am. I spent 11 months losing 120 pounds. I ate super healthy but I have a very addictive personality so worked my way up to walking/hiking 10 to 15 miles a day. I brutalized my body and now I am paying for it.

I am exhausted, I barely sleep, my day is spent in pain. My doctor asked me to explain it and it ranges from constant non stop pain that consumes my every thought to excruciating tear and nausea inducing flares. I notice the flares last longer in fact this time it does not seem to be going away. I have decided to log my food daily to see if I can figure out what if anything is causing the pain. I am trying to focus on anti inflammatory foods.

Being in chronic pain is exhausting, putting on a smiling happy face is equally exhausting. I read and google and talk with my doctors to try to find solutions. I went from not putting anything processed in my body to a year of steroids. A year of spine shots, oral steroids, MRI’s and x-rays and still not answers. I am unable to exercise and between that, the steroids, and if I am being honest, not eating healthy as I could, I have put 90 of those pounds lost back on. It is crushing…. the diabetes I cured, the cholesterol and blood pressure I lowered have gone back up. I am breathless while walking even minimally. None of my clothes fit, I know all of these are first world problems but that does not make it easier.

I had been trying to do yoga which is difficult when you are so bloated and overweight you cannot bend, add the pain and well… it does not happen. Then I found out that yoga is one of the worse things to do if you have active piriformis syndrome in fact it can do more damage. It is a double edge sword, I need to strengthen my core and back since I had RAF but those exercises can make the syndrome worse. I have physical therapy stretches and I can do short walks/hikes but that causes pain, not doing anything causes pain, sitting, standing, laying down, you name it causes pain. When you cannot bend to put in or take out laundry, when you have to drip dry when you get out of the shower because you go into spasms and literally cannot turn or bend enough to dry off.

I have never felt so helpless than I have the last year. I hope that maybe by blogging about my journey to find answers for this I might help someone else suffering this pain. I hope that others reading it will share what they have done or read about. Sharing your life in the open is not easy but it can push you to be more honest with yourself and it can bring others into your life who have walked this same path.

I still believe this should not be about the scale or the size of my body, but should be about being the healthiest me I can be. I have to be so careful to not fall into the lose weight mantra so many follow. Does it bother me being overweight, of course it does. Being uncomfortable in your body is depressing. It is so easy to say do not let it bother you but we live in a world where that is not always easy.

With all that said, one thing I did learn from taking a pain class, is I am leaps and bounds better off than some people. I refuse to be on pain meds, I refuse to give up like so many in the classes I took have. I know I will never be 100% pain free and I can absolutely live with that, I just want to not have it be my every waking moments thoughts. I want to be able to go up to the mountain on weekends and hike, to be able to drive long distances so I can visit my family. To not put on the I am happy mask but truly be happy. Looking back on the pictures from last year I was truly, genuinely happy. Not because I was thin but because I could move, I had pride that I had altered all my medical numbers, that I was able to go to a normal store and buy normal clothes. The knowledge I was extending my life.

Please do not feel sorry for me, this is not me feeling sorry for myself although it certainly sounds like it! It is me trying to work through this, to perhaps find someone else who has gone through the same thing. To get ideas that may or may not help me or my being able to help someone else. Sometimes venting is the best medicine so I guess this is me venting rather than just driving myself crazy over thinking it in this brain of chaos!

 

Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Baby got Back…or will get Back!

I have had a lot of facebook memories popping up the last few months. Most involve having met my weight loss goal and the back issues I have had the last year or so. I got derailed, stopped blogging and lost sight of things. In my effort to get fit and lose weight I messed up my back and hip. I was walking 10-15 miles every single day for the better part of a year. I pushed myself, lost sight of the joy I had gotten from being out doors and was more obsessed with how fast and how far I could go. Having an addictive personality is a double edged sword.

Thus started my gaining 80 of the 120 I had lost. Losing the joy I had gained by being outdoors. Depression setting back in. Mostly non stop steroid for more than a year. I was lucky enough to find an amazing doctor who tried every single thing he could think of before sending me to another wonderful doctor. After more than a year of steroids and spinal shots they decided to do RFA. Basically they pinpoint which nerves are being pissy and they cauterize them. The hope is they will stop shooting pain signals to my brain. It is likely IF it is successful that I will need it done a time or two more to stop them regenerating. Success if usually 60% relief which 200% better than what I am having.

This is whole new path for me. The pain is vastly different in the last week. My butt cheek on the good side goes numb when I stand or walk. The good sides lower leg hurts and feels on fire. They did both sides but I still am a bit shocked at how the good side is the problem child right now. I have done a ton of research and the back feeling sunburned is normal and lasts a couple of weeks. I assume the butt and leg issue on the good side is just the pissing off of nerves that were only slightly mad. It is a rather interesting procedure but invasive so causes a lot of angry nerves! On the plus side the bad side is still somewhat numbed from the steroids etc so I am not feeling it on both sides….yet! It is a new journey, I have to strengthen my core… a core I do not have due to multiple surgeries. It weakens your back so it is essential to get a core and strengthen my back muscles or this has been for not.

radio_frequency_ablation_y

Going forward is going to be about taking it slow and easy but consistently working on it. I am focusing on my eating again, doing small walks and exercises the therapist has given me. Today I decided to drive to get some organic veggies. I love wandering through looking at the different types of veggies and fruits they offer. They had these amazing beautiful flowers. I am forcing myself to enjoy the everyday beauty. Until I can get back to my hiking and the views it gives I have to find new kinds of pretty.

Yesterday on the way home from work I drove up to one of my favorite spots in the city. Mt. Tabor was so important to me when I was first walking and losing. It is this gorgeous oasis in the middle of our city. Yesterday I walked around the reservoir. Such a tiny little walk but was gorgeous and so quiet and felt oh so good! There was a British gent there who was reading, having tea and just chilling with his pup.

So here I am on a new venture with the same outcome hopes but a very different path. I started my journey on 7-20-2015. On 2-09-2018 I took a different fork in the path. Along with 2 friends we have decided to weigh every Friday at work, I will also measure and take a picture every other week. Being honest and sharing was so helpful to me last time I am going to do it again. So stats for the last 3 week are as follows…drum roll please….

2-09-18

  • Weight 265
  • Neck 15 1/2
  • Arm  L 15 1/2  R 15 1/2
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 50
  • Hip 51 1/2
  • Thigh L 23  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

2-16-18

  • Weight 259

2-23-18

  • Weight 257.5
  • Neck 15
  • Arm  L 15  R 15
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 48 3/4
  • Hip 51
  • Thigh L 22 1/2  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

I took a lot of pictures through the first year I lost all the weight. It is so telling way more than the scale. These are 2 weeks apart and you can see how cutting the carbs and eating more, drinking more water makes a difference in the bloat.

02-09_02-23

Here are some pictures from the first year. I like to keep it handy, it reminds me where I was, where I got and how I can get back there again. It was never really about the loss of pounds on the scale although I did become obsessed with it. It is about feeling good in my skin, being as healthy as I can be and being able to be active. 170109

3-2-2018

  • Weight 253

So here I am back at square one but I have high hopes… hopes my back issues will get better, hopes my depression will ease, hopes I can hike again, hopes that even though I will stumble I will remember to always get back up

 

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Time for Changes

EEEK I had no idea when I went in this morning for a consult that tomorrow I would be having a procedure done. I love my spine doctor and I am so happy he sent me to this guy. They work together and the doctor today was so honest and answered all my questions. Of course they have to give you worse case scenario.

He has done over 4000 of these procedures and only had one complete fail and the majority were very successful. Not going to lie, this one is a bit scarier to me. Prayers or whatever it is you do would be welcome. I tend to have semi panic attacks when confined and normally get an anxiety med but the nurse is thinking with this procedure you cannot have one. Also the others were fairly short this one a bit longer so more time for my head to go wonky on me!!!

I have high hopes this will send me down the path to getting my life back in order. It is going to be a lot of work on my part, exercise and getting core and back muscles is key or it will not be successful. Having had multiple abdominal surgeries my core is pretty shot and my back super week. BUT my buddy who always takes me to these actually knows a lady who ended up bent over hers was so bad and it destroyed her core even more, she literally could not stand upright. But she saw her 2 weeks ago and she had this procedure done months ago and is walking upright!

I want to start walking and hiking again. Will that happen this year…. probably not but it is at least a goal to work towards. The downside to this procedure is it weakens your back muscles so he drilled in my head that when I can start doing it I have to work diligently on my back and core muscles and that is not going to happen by walking lol. This is only one issue I have but will help figure out the other issues that are happening in the long run.

When I first started my weight loss journey I was so obsessed with walking and hiking and it messed me up. It was not so much about the pounds dropping off although that was awesome but it was this unhealthy obsession. I cannot allow myself to do that again. So I am going to try my best on the exercises once I start with the physical therapists, dial in my healthy eating (goodbye dairy….. no more inflammatory foods), focus on my mental health and try my very best to not make this about the scale.

I am scared, I am excited about the future, I am so bad about exercises I HATE them, I LOVE walking so this will be a new thing for me.

Clean_Eating, Crafts, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journal, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Uncategorized

Unhurried Adventures for 2018

2017 was not the best year. It was full of sadness, loss, pain, the unknown sprinkled with a bit of joy. It was a year where my body betrayed me after all the punishing hiking I did to it the year prior. A year of gaining back most of the weight I worked so hard to lose. A year of losing a dear friend who walked the same path to get our health back only to lose her life to cancer. A year of not being in the lives of some of the most important people to me. A year of me slowly sliding back to the Theresa I was prior to July 2015 when I decided to try and take my life back or rather find the life I know I deserve and never allowed.

But 2017 was also a learning year and I have high hopes for 2018. I spent most of 2017 on steroids and that is toxic and brutal to your system. I cannot blame all of my weight gain on them but that is a huge part of it. The gain, bloat and topped off with manic highs and lows due to it were brutal. I love my doctor, he is so genuinely interested in figuring out a solution to my back and hip issues. He has never given up and honors my wish to not be put on pain meds for the pain. I am feeling very optimistic that we finally hit the spot!! The last shot was in a cyst they found on my spine and although I am not close to being pain free, I am also not in that constant never ending cannot get it out of your mind pain level!

I decided 2018 is going to be my year to slow down and refocus my goals. I have always been in a hurry. A hurry to get to the store, to work, to listen to others, to eat, to walk, you name it and I will hurry through it. One upside to hurting myself was being forced to slow down on my walks. It is amazing what you miss when all you are focused on is going fast and getting to the goal. I found this awesome book so treated myself to it. It basically is about slowing down and taking your time. It is full of the most amazing things to do. The writing is beautiful and their FB page has all these wonderful memes to share and have others comment on. I am really looking forward to making my FB page more toward what I had intended it to be. One of the chapters has these wonderful cards that you pop out of the book and fill out. I love their idea of putting them in a jar and pulling them out when you need a reminder of how beautiful life can be.

I am excited to see what 2018 brings. I cannot wait to share more chapters of this book because it is so wonderful. If you are interested in it I would suggest purchasing through Amazon, it is on sale as we speak. One of the quotes in the book was this…. and let me tell you it hit hard for me this year. I lost one beautiful friend and I have another beautiful friend fighting for her life. My friends lost their loved ones… we get busy, we take for granted they will always be there. The first chapter of this book is from the perspective of the author and her friend who nearly died… That friend taught her to slow down, take time out of your day. Make your life and time a priority sometimes. Even a 10 minute meet up for a quick coffee could make all the difference in the world.

I shouldn’t have to wait for my friend to get sick for us to share wonderful moments together

Here is to an amazing and unhurried 2018 my friends~

Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Uncategorized

I Bid You Adieu 2017

I am not going to lie I will be glad to say goodbye to 2017. It has been a hard bittersweet year but one that has me looking forward to a better 2018.

I met Jill 3 years ago online, we had both started a journey to get healthy. Of all the wonderful supporters I have had Jill was my number one cheerleader. She was a very solitary person who did not put her life out there like I did but she supported me in private and in the Beach Body page we both spent time in. While I openly shared my journey, my ups and my downs she did hers on the sly. She broke her leg when she was 12 and ended up spending the rest of her life in a boot and later in a scooter as well.

She spent 18 months losing 150 pounds eating healthy. She went to the gym nearly every single day once she could. She went from not being able to fly due to her weight and not being able to venture much because of her scooter, to going places with her scooter and ultimately without that scooter. She flew for the first time in 25 years to go to a Beach Body coach meetup. She lived and breathed that it was her joy. She para-sailed, she flew to Hawaii, she road the train all over the USA. She hiked up to the top of a lighthouse. She packed more into 2017 than most anyone I know. And then….she was told she had pancreatic cancer and 6-8 months to live… she passed Christmas Day less than a month after finding out.

I am going to honor my beautiful amazing brave friend by getting my heart back into my journey. I have gained 70 of the 120 I lost back and I will take it back off. She wanted so badly to come to Oregon and have me take her to some of the places I hiked. We never got to do it but Jill…. I promise you, I am gong to take a picture of you and we are going to hike those places and have those pictures you so wanted. I love you, I owe you and I will miss you forever my sweet sweet friend. I do not think Jill knew just how many THOUSANDS of people she inspired. She was a true badass super hero!

As I said above I have gained 70 of the 120 pounds I lost. According to my doctor I basically beat my back and hips to death. I have spent the last year off and on taking steroids, having steroid injections and nothing has worked. The pain, the lack of being able to hike and heck barely walk has set me back immensely. Emotionally it set me back, I did not realize how much hiking helped me. I have a hard time shutting down my mind. It goes non stop. On top of the issues the obsessive hiking caused (10-15 miles a day) I have arthritis in my spine, COPD and Asthma and that also makes it difficult. BUT I can walk and breath and I am grateful for that.

Reality is I likely will be in pain for the rest of my days and I will need to find a way to work around that. I am not willing to give up hiking it just means too much to me but I will find a way to do it in a not so obsessive manner.

Other issues that have set me back are ones I just cannot say anything publicly about.. it serves no purpose and will likely just hurt or anger people but the issue cuts so deep it is never ending pain. It is however one, that as hard as it is to do, move on from it which gives me another sense of guilt. If you have not figured it out yet I am a guilt riddled soul!

In spite of it all I am lucky, I have a beautiful daughter and son and an amazing mom as well as sister and nephews. I have the best friends and coworkers a person could ask for. I love where I live, I have an amazing view that soothes my soul. I have 2018 to look forward to. Yes the same heartache will follow me into it but it is full of new amazing possibilities and I am looking forward to exploring them. I will get back to my beloved hiking, I may never get to do the level of what I was but there are many beautiful less strenuous areas where I live.

Here’s to a 2018 filled with endless possibilities. The picture below was my very first climb up a steep incline. It took me 3 attempts that weekend to get to the top of Mt. Talbert and I broke down in tears. I was determined and I did it. I will always cherish this moment and this shot. I will do so again!

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Sometimes You Have to Veer From the Path

I made a decision today… well I made the decision to not give up long ago but today I decided to start blogging again. I have had lots of people who used to follow me ask me when I was going to share again and that they are looking forward to hearing what I find works for my back. So many people suffer pain.

My decision is to take a different path on this journey. I am going to back track my back hip issues, explain how I got here and what I have done so far. I think it will help me as well. Reality is this pain likely will never subside but I will do what I can to make it manageable. Twice this week I had to stay home from work and that just is not ok in my book. Thankfully I do have the option to work from home 2 days a week and that will help with icing etc.

A bit ago I decided to work my way to the bathroom and shower… amazing how not only a steamy hot shower helps the muscles a bit but just mentally is kind of a clean start. I am taking part in a spine clinic and one of the gals said when her pain gets overwhelming and she is home she changes her socks, brushes her teeth and spritzes her face. A silly sounding thing but it just helps start anew.

I took two pictures that sum up how I feel today…I have spent the last week off and on in tears from the pain and frustration. I am bloated, I cannot hike, I am gaining, have to go back on steroids again and on and on BUT I can walk, my pain is constant but not this bad always… this is a flair and it will pass and I am lucky… some in my group never have it pass. I will take another picture in a week and have it be authentic… it will be interesting to see the changes.

I am a solitary creature and that can sometimes be problematic. I am stubborn and often just want to be left to my own devices 😊😊 I am looking forward to this new journey. I am not going to focus and try to not obsess about the weight. But it is hard… to have lost and gained so much freedom and now to have stepped so far back is heart breaking to me. Most will not understand and that is ok because even though it is a number to me it symbolizes so much more.

Getting my mind focused and working on solutions is going to ultimately help me lose the steroid bloat and gain once I am done with them.. losing that weight will help my pain, it will lower all my blood test numbers again.

Because reality is if you focus on health, wellness, eating as clean as possible you will lose. When I first started I was unable to do much more than get to work. The first month I just ate as clean as possible no exercises and lost, the second month I could barely walk the perimeter of my parking lot without painful shin splints and yet I still lost.

So no excuses. As long as I am taking steroids and the shots I will not lose and will likely gain BUT I can minimize it by being healthy so when I can get back to being active it won’t be as hard and man nothing felt as good as that clean eating. Today an FB memory popped up and it was painful… but it is something I cannot change so I share my pain with my friend and move on until the next time.

We have to choose a goal to work on over a 3 month period at the end of this clinic. Mine is going to be get up to 10K in steps. I can never go back to monster hiking daily but end goal will be to be able to do them on weekends and to finish my goal of being able to gently jog or run…it is so important to me so I will be patient❤️

I sat on my deck writing this, it is so nice and dual blessing the cast iron chair works as an ice pack 😂😂. I am feeling strangely slightly happy at this very moment… I will take it. Sweet dreams friends❤️

21 Day Fix, Change, Clean_Eating, Uncategorized

Soapbox Saturday

So I have dubbed today soap box Saturday! I went to the farmers market and got so many amazing things that I know are healthy. I was reminded how a year ago I went every Saturday and bought produce and fruits that I could freeze. Herein lies my soap box speech. If you prep you increase your ability to succeed tenfold. What I noticed the last 6 months since my injuries is I no longer do the amount of prep I used to. I still do a little but not enough. If you prep you will succeed. **hint if you pre-chop lettuce or cabbage try to use a ceramic knife you will avoid the browning and the excuse to not eat it!

I used to take one Saturday a month and spend maybe 4 hours doing mass prepping. I made steel cut oats and measured and froze for 1 yellow container. Pop it out of the freezer the night before and take to work the next day. No excuse to buy unhealthy breakfast. I would clean and pre-measure fruits to freeze for my smoothies, although now I realize I can just freeze in a bag and measure it out LOL. I made large batches of soups and would measure and individually freeze, pre-cook meat and pre-measure. Anything I could prep ahead of time and pop in the freezer I did. Even if I was tired and did not pull anything out to thaw I could just pop in the micro! I boiled eggs and kept a supply at all times in the fridge, prepped fresh veggies as well.

Not only does it save time and money but it saves the excuse to order out. I spent less than $30 for all the items in the picture today and most of that cost was the garlic because HELLO FRESH GARLIC!

I never make a batch of soup that takes me longer than 30 minutes start to finish and it is so good and so healthy. If you mass prep once a month you will only need to do minimal the rest of the month. WE are worth that extra few hours.

My daughter showing up yesterday was a reminder of just how depressed I have been, how this 50 pound gain has sucked the joy out of me. YES it is just a number but it is a number that has made my pain even worse, that has stopped me from finding my joy outside. Just being in the fresh air, laughing and being goofy was the best medicine I could have. And even though it was a short visit it reminded me that if I continue on this slow gain I am not going to be around to enjoy the times I do get with my kids.

Make yourself a priority, it is not selfish. If your spouse is not on board tell them how important it is and if they still are not so be it they can eat the way they choose. This lifestyle should not require making separate meals, the food is amazing and tasty and reality is WE owe it to ourselves and our loved ones. For many of us our weight is dangerous level. Our children and loved ones deserve to have mom and dad around to raise them. They deserve to have good examples so they do not struggle the same as we have for so many years. If I had not done this I would be dead or at the very least suffering from stroke related issues. It is hard and it is harder if we make it harder. If you make it a lifestyle and never ever allow yourself to feel deprived you will succeed.

Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.

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Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Berries & Butterflies in my BEEEEEELLLY

Let me start by saying I am THE most impatient person in the world and it almost always comes back to bite me in the butt… I LOVED hiking so much a year ago, then my back and leg issues stopped me in my tracks. Once I was able to start minimal walking again it was the winter months. So I kind of lost my love of hiking, heck I lost my love of pretty much everything for a bit. I put 40 of the 115 pounds I lost that year back on, went from walking/hiking 10-15 miles a day to nada. I was still eating good but not burning 4500 calories a day and did not think about rethinking my daily consumption.

Then my depression hit me SMACK dab in the face. I cannot travel long distances because of my bulging disks and bones spurs because they make me go numb and if not numb the pain is excruciating. So that means I have not gotten to see my grandson in months and I mean MONTHS. That breaks my heart. There are many things breaking my heart these days but I decided given the pain in my body is less than the pain in my heart and head I was going for a walk! Those walks are my drug, I have the best conversations with myself on those walks! I forgot how much I loved them!

I LOVE walking in the woods, I love that I can drive a mile in the middle of my city and find hiking trails and hardly see another soul. I love the gorge and Mt. Tabor but Powell Butte is really solitary and I love that. You may meet the occasional hiker or family or mountain biker but it is really tranquil. I forgot how much I loved it up there. I also used to get butterflies every single night realizing when I got off work I got to go hiking. I have not had butterflies for at least 9 months. Today I had them BIG TIME! I was so excited to leave work and go straight to the butte… then I bought berries which meant I had to go home first, then go back to the butte.

My typical MO is if I go home I am not going back out but man those butterflies would not stop!! So took my berries home, and went back down to the car. In my haste (this is where my impatience came in) I forgot my pony band, and my fitbit (although I think this is a good thing as I am very competitive with myself when I wear it) and realized all I had grabbed were my car key…so no garage door opener, no fob to get back in the building, no problem, I will use the super secret code when I back I can just use the manual button to get out…. except I forgot the code when I got back! Seriously it would have taken me less than 5 minutes to go back up to my apartment. BUT those damn butterflies!!!

I shared so much of my soul with you guys the first year, you will never ever know how much you helped me get through days when I could barely breathe because of my emotional pain. Then I stopped, got caught up in the world and all the anger and whatever else I let infiltrate me. I am the queen of long winded posts and I apologize but man it helps me so much just knowing some of you have the same issues I have and if you do not you do not judge me but just let me ramble on. I promise to try my best to not do long rambling again but I also want to start posting more. I never left but rather stayed in the background reading your successes and not so successes. Silently cheering you and being inspired.

So it is time to pick myself back up, dust myself off, do what I need to do to get back to where I was a year ago mentally. The rest will fall in place. I do not want to live a life of never ending pain anymore, be it emotional or physical and I know with every fiber in my soul that eating healthy, exercising, getting some of this weight off will get me back to that mindset. I do not want to lose the weight for appearances but I do not want to be remotely close to being diabetic again and reality is I beat my body to pieces and the extra weight adds to the pain.

So there you have it. I am working my way back.

Change, Cravings, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

Memories….like the corner…oh never mind

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Some days my facebook memories are many some days none at all. This was one from last year, I keep wanting my facebook to be about finding me and getting healthy and blah blah blah. Then I get sucked into what most people use facebook for… sharing stories about what is happening in the world, passive aggressive bitching, poking fun at people, sharing about our families which is actually good, etc. I have to get myself back to where I was last year. I am out of control! My anger, my depression, my weight gain, my everything. So I kind of looked the post over and added ** a few words to it. Painful as some memories are they are great reminders of where you were, how far you have come and how sometimes you have taken 2 steps forward and 15 miles worth backwards!
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“If you are going to look back on your past..then look how far you have come”

I had said earlier that I bought a journal that is questions, statements etc for each day of the year. It is undated and I am just randomly picking them for each day. They make me really ponder sometimes to come up with an answer, sometimes it is easy. (**CLEARLY this lasted for about 2 weeks maybe less!! I need to pick it back up**)

Today’s journal words are “If you are going to look back on your past….then look how far you have come..”

This one is pretty easy for me because this whole journey has been about my past and how to stop letting it dictate my choices and stop dwelling on it (**enter 2017 and not doing such a great job on this one**).

I look back at my past and for most of my life and most definitely the last 38 years of it I have lived it in fear. Fear has ruled my life… sometimes I did not even know what the heck I was fearing. It has been hard taking a good hard look at it. I feared my parents would divorce, I feared my friends would hate me, I feared I would be victimized again, I feared I would be a huge failure at being a good parent, I feared my marriage would end in divorce and I would be alone for the rest of my life, I feared I would never be able to enjoy intimacy, I feared I would be a drug addict or alcoholic my whole life. I feared I would lose my job and not be able to pay my bills. I feared I would remain unlovable that I would never control my eating or stop smoking. I feared I would believe I was ugly and not worthy the rest of my life. I feared I would get that dreaded call your child has been killed, when I got the call that my son had been critically injured and was not sure he would survive which set in motion 14 years of REALLY dreading calls from my mom or other family members. I still worry just not as much (** OK THIS IS A BALDFACE LIE!! I HATE how my stomach gets in knots anytime my phone rings or a text comes in… I know it is not reasonable but I cannot help it. There are many reasons why and I am not getting into those but dang enough already Theresa get a grip on yourself!!**). I could keep going but it is a never ending list of fear.

I shed most of those fears over the last 9 months. I no longer fear being victimized (**ok this one I am honestly struggling with again**), my parents stayed married until my father died so that fear is gone. My friends love me and I know now the real ones will stay with me forever (**so I have lost quite a few “friends” this year due to my being vocal about this or that but I am ok with that**). I have been clean for 34 years I will never worry about that addiction again (**although drugs and alcohol are not an issue I am most definitely struggling with the addiction to food, I need to remember addictions come in all colors and sizes and types**). I have been smoke free for 22 years, turns out I did an ok job on the parenting and I think I will be a great grandma ! My marriages did end in divorce but for the first time in 30 years I can envision wanting to spend my life with someone (**2017 SCRATCH that vision!! I am more afraid now then ever before I just simply cannot let my fear, baggage and things from my past go at least not yet and THAT makes me a bad candidate for relationships. It would not be fair to the other person**).

I still worry about losing my job but I also know I am smart and will land on my feet and find something else if it were to happen (**I may have been pretending that I was ok if that happened haha I do not do well with change**). No matter how tough things have gotten for me financially I have always been able to pay my bills. For the first time in my life I feel worthy, worthy of love, respect, happiness (**reality is I feel NONE of those things… I do not think I felt them last year either but thought it was expected of me so said it. I have been pretty beaten down this last year, by my health, my own self, and some others…. It is ok, do not need to be told I am all those things and a bag o chips. In time perhaps I will come to truly believe it but until then I will keep plodding along, try my best to not keep derailing myself based on my belief that I am not worthy and one day maybe I will really believe i**) . I no longer feel I am an ugly person inside and out.I not only lost weight but I lost the fear that had dictated my choice to make myself live as an obese person. (**NOPE see the comment above!**)

It is hard to explain why the loss of the weight has freed me from so much fear. The only way to explain is fear is what made me decide to gain weight so I would never be hurt again. Shedding that “protective layer” means that whole being is no more. My new fear is who am I really… Will I like the new me.. I guess the answer to the sentence for today is I have come farther than I ever though imaginable. In 10 months I shed 38+ years of fear. I have come a long way baby!! I have a long way to go but I am going to kick fears ass.

(**So the flip side of the paragraph before this is…. the loss of weight freed me for a brief time and then attention and my mind thinking maybe I could actually have someone in my life reminded me why I got fat in the first place and boom… weight back on. Now thankfully it is not the entire amount but man I am struggling with it. NO I cannot just let it go, NO I cannot shut my mind off and only think positive rainbow and unicorn thoughts, NO I cannot pretend like that violent act will ever leave me or leave my thoughts. YES there is hope, there is always hope but sometimes that hope fades and then comes back and then fades and over and over. I will not give up, I will likely drive myself crazy and anyone else that comes along for my ride. If I stay single the rest of my life out of fear I am ok with that, I have done it for a very long time and am quite anti social. If I end up in one cool beans. BUT I will not get in one just because. I will not damage another person because I have trust or intimacy issues. I enjoy my own company, I love hiking by myself and I can survive the rest of my life alone. But maybe… just maybe…. there will come a time where I am ok with letting someone else in.**)

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