I hate it when I cannot sleep. I have not had a good nights rest in a long time, it just seems to happen more and more often. There are many reasons for my lack of being able to sleep. Finances, health, work, personal choices I have made in my past. I have always said I would never ever change a single thing in my life, if you alter even one thing then nothing from that point forward would be the same. I have wished a lot lately that one moment in time could be different and although life would be so different I cannot stop thinking if only that one moment had not happened…..
I hate that I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about it. Now before you think I committed some crime I am feeling guilty about, that is not the case…. it is just a moment in time that affected people I love more than anything. How do you verbalize something to someone else and pray they understand where you are coming from when you yourself are not sure if it even makes sense, that and I feel guilty for even thinking it…
Could I have done anything to stop it? No… it was beyond anyone’s control.
Would life really be so different? Yes, not for me but yes it would.
I hate feeling guilty. I am my own worst enemy. I feel guilty for things I have said to my parents, I feel guilty for things I should have said to my dad before he died and for not spending more time with him before he died. I feel guilty for things I have said to my friends, my kids, people I do not even know, and of course I feel guilty for the things I should say and do not. I even feel guilty for the stupid potato chips I had the other day.
I feel guilty for deliberately sabotaging my health. People wonder why it is not easy for me to just lose the weight I have put on. It is easy they say, just cut back on calories, exercise more, eat healthier….. What most do not know, what I spent years not talking about because it is such a dirty word and makes others feel uncomfortable, what I used to only be able to say in a whisper because of the guilt I feel, is I was raped. I feel guilty on the rare occasions I talk about it because it makes others uncomfortable. I feel guilty for even bringing it up on here. Should I feel guilty about it……no. Do I feel guilty about it…..yes. I feel guilty it happened, I feel guilty that I let people think I am just lazy when the reality is in my mind, if I am fat, no one will ever do that to me again. And that makes me feel guilty that I am slowly killing myself.
I feel guilty for not going back to Burns to visit….I cannot bring myself to do it, there are reasons and only a few people know the real reason I do not go….others do not understand but I cannot explain because……yeah I feel embarrassed and that makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for not trying harder where this specific guilt is concerned…I should try harder, I should go, I should…. I know one day it will be to late and I will look back with guilt and say if only I had tried harder.
I kind of feel guilty for saying guilty so much on here. But in my defense I cannot sleep because, well, because of the guilt…. My mom always told me as a young girl and as a young woman and now as an old woman that I beat myself up unnecessarily, that I need to learn to forgive myself because others have already done so….. but what she doesn’t understand is there are so many things I have done that people do not know about in my past and some I continue to do, that make it hard for me to forgive myself for….. guess that is where all this guilt comes from…
I hope my next exhausted rambling cannot sleep blog is called Forgiveness……she is a thing of beauty