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Guilt…….she is a bitch

I hate it when I cannot sleep. I have not had a good nights rest in a long time, it just seems to happen more and more often. There are many reasons for my lack of being able to sleep. Finances, health, work, personal choices I have made in my past. I have always said I would never ever change a single thing in my life, if you alter even one thing then nothing from that point forward would be the same. I have wished a lot lately that one moment in time could be different and although life would be so different  I cannot stop thinking if only that one moment had not happened…..

I hate that I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about it. Now before you think I committed some crime I am feeling guilty about, that is not the case…. it is just a moment in time that affected people I love more than anything. How do you verbalize something to someone else and pray they understand where you are coming from when you yourself are not sure if it even makes sense, that and I feel guilty for even thinking it…

Could I have done anything to stop it? No… it was beyond anyone’s control.

Would life really be so different? Yes, not for me but yes it would.

I hate feeling guilty. I am my own worst enemy. I feel guilty for things I have said to my parents, I feel guilty for things I should have said to my dad before he died and for not spending more time with him before he died. I feel guilty for things I have said to my friends, my kids, people I do not even know, and of course I feel guilty for the things I should say and do not. I even feel guilty for the stupid potato chips I had the other day.

I feel guilty for deliberately sabotaging my health. People wonder why it is not easy for me to just lose the weight I have put on. It is easy they say, just cut back on calories, exercise more, eat healthier….. What most do not know, what I spent years not talking about because it is such a dirty word and makes others feel uncomfortable, what I used to only be able to say in a whisper because of the guilt I feel, is I was raped. I feel guilty on the rare occasions I talk about it because it makes others uncomfortable. I feel guilty for even bringing it up on here. Should I feel guilty about it……no. Do I feel guilty about it…..yes. I feel guilty it happened, I feel guilty that I let people think I am just lazy when the reality is in my mind, if I am fat, no one will ever do that to me again. And that makes me feel guilty that I am slowly killing myself.

I feel guilty for not going back to Burns to visit….I cannot bring myself to do it, there are reasons and only a few people know the real reason I do not go….others do not understand but I cannot explain because……yeah I feel embarrassed and that makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for not trying harder where this specific guilt is concerned…I should try harder, I should go, I should…. I know one day it will be to late and I will look back with guilt and say if only I had tried harder.

I kind of feel guilty for saying guilty so much on here. But in my defense I cannot sleep because, well, because of the guilt….  My mom always told me as a young girl and as a young woman and now as an old woman that I beat myself up unnecessarily, that I need to learn to forgive myself because others have already done so….. but what she doesn’t understand is there are so many things I have done that people do not know about in my past and some I continue to do, that make it hard for me to forgive myself for….. guess that is where all this guilt comes from…

I hope my next exhausted rambling cannot sleep blog is called Forgiveness……she is a thing of beauty

7 thoughts on “Guilt…….she is a bitch”

  1. You did not rambling at all…and it would be wonderful, not only for you, but for all of us who care about you, if your next cannot sleep blog is called Forgiveness. I don’t know if this helps, but I used to feel guilty all the time…even when I made a friend a sweet 16 birthday cake! I almost couldn’t handle handing it to her even though other friends were there with us and she might not have known I made it. Again, I don’t know if this helps, but I realized it was the mormon church and my dad that were making me feel like I should feel guilty. When I left the church and was not in as much contact with him, (he didn’t really like talking on the phone and I live out of state) it was easier to see “I” didn’t think I needed to feel guilty of much of anything. Is it possible there is someone (loved one or not) or some thing that might be making you feel like you should feel guilty? I’m just going by my own experience and hope I haven’t stepped on your toes. I hate that you can’t sleep and hope the day comes soon that you are able to relieve yourself of guilt because, and I know I am speaking for others when I say, you bring such joy to me…your posts makes people’s days happier…you make people laugh, and for us that is good medicine.

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  2. Thank you Marci and that makes perfect sense. I really appreciate your feedback. My guilt, at the least on this point is totally self imposed. I kind of got off track on my posting last night I tend to do that, I am like the dog that sees a squirrel then a bird then a cat haha. The original guilt I was talking about has nothing to do with the rape although I think that is how it kind of sounds. And I so wish I could say it because I know others likely feel it as well, but it would hurt others so I just cant. Uggggh sometimes being human and a parent and a sister and a daughter and a friend is overwhelmingly painful… Thank you for being my friend you are amazing

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      1. I love you all that AND a bag a chips BOOYA! It did post and it is not dumb and I love you! You are one of the very few people who probably know what day I am speaking of….. There are just moments when it all comes back, and I see how it is now and my heart breaks beyond belief…. last night was just one of those flashflood of a moments.

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      1. I just read this and understand how “easy” it is to guilt into yourself. I am glad you are getting it out of your head and putting it down as it that seems to help me put it all into perspective when I am on my guilt trips from the past. I now know another reason why we were put together. Love you sis

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