Painful Epiphanies

I had an epiphany last night. I spent the day on the verge of tears, angry and sad and not sure why. On the way home from work it hit me, it was August 15th that one day a year that has sent me in a depression for the last 11 years. I have always felt so guilty for letting this day affect me the way I do because I am one of the luckiest mothers alive. My son survived his accident when so many of my friends children have died. What right do I have to mourn that day when I have a living breathing child. But yesterday it hit me, I did lose a child that day, I lost the son that I had known for the last 20 years. He had a head injury but in the grand scheme of injuries he suffered that day that was the least significant, but it still affected him. It is subtle, most people do not see it but he is not the same boy he was prior to this day. I lost the boy who liked spending time with me, the boy who was carefree and goofy as hell. I know he loves me, I know this, but he is not the same boy. 11 years later and he still suffers the effects of that day, there is no wonder he is not that same boy. I grieve for the son I had prior to August 15th I grieve for the son who still struggles, who had to quit a job he liked because he is still in so much pain, the son who looked forward to my visits, the son who lived each day pain free. I would give my life if he could have one day of absolutely no pain, no worries of what he is going to, one day of sheer happiness and a day where his every dream became a reality. I get why he is not that same boy I knew but it still breaks my heart. It has gotten a bit easier, where I used to be bothered for weeks leading up to this day, this year it just hit me on the actual day. The most frustrating part of it is I do not realize it until someone asks what is wrong with me.. That said, it also gets harder as each year it seems we drift further and further apart. I miss that boy who adored me, who spoke to me and couldn’t wait for visits. I love him and I always will, I know he loves me to but I think I am entitled to grieve the death of the son I used to have before this accident and I will be happy and thank GOD daily for the son I now have because I am truly blessed he let me keep that amazing boy…… I am not going to make excuses or feel shame for this grief anymore….it is real and it is crushingly painful and it mine to feel. I will always feel blessed to have him, that boy saved my life so many years ago… I love you my sweet amazing Levi.


2 thoughts on “Painful Epiphanies”

  1. While it’s not the same, I do understand. I sometimes mourn the loss of a boy that never existed, the child that Grayson will never become. His “advantages” shape who he is today and who he will become, but what if? Levi is who he is and may be figuring out WHO that is for himself. It sounds like you both have some healing you’re going through… Love you Mama! ❤


    1. Thank you sweet girl I know you know what I mean. I worried about putting this out there so to speak. I do not want anyone to get the wrong idea. I LOVE my son, I just miss the son I had prior to that accident. We both are so blessed to have these lil men in our lives. No matter what they are amazing beings who bring so much to this world. love you too sweet girl o mine


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