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Memories….like the corners of my mind…..(insert corny music)

  • Memories can be so fleeting, it is funny the things I remember and the things I cannot remember. One would think the memories I keep would be the happy childhood ones, but sadly they are the painful ones of my past that I cannot seem to shed. My hope is by writing it out, putting it to the universe, I can then work on making it be a distant memory. I do not want to forget them, they are why I am who I am today. By changing just one thing in my past, it would mean my children would not exist, I would not be living in the most wonderful and beautiful city surrounded by the most amazing and wonderful people I work with or the friends I have made.
  • I think I was a happy kid for the most part. I see pictures of me, smiling and have fleeting memories of happy times. I know I was loved and cherished although if you had asked me that in my teens I would have said I was not. I remember thinking my dad didn’t love me because he never raised a hand to me. I would think if he loved me he would spank me, my friends dads spank them!! I would joke that my mom must have really loved me because I do remember swats from her! I am happy that I am slowly getting more of those memories back but sometimes I have to wonder if they are real. My sister will talk about something from our childhood, or a friend will mention something from childhood and I have no clue what they are talking about. I often wonder if the people I thought I was really good friends with felt the way I did or did I just imagine it in my mind.
  • Last night I had an epiphany of sorts, I was thinking all day long, why am I so worried about what others think of me. Why do I worry so much about saying the wrong thing or making sure that peace is always kept. I will physically get sick worrying that someone will be angry at what I say. I make myself sick worrying that someone who I am with will be mean to someone else. I worry that my children will hate me if I do not do this or that. I worry every time my phone rings that it is someone telling me that my son has been hurt. I worried for so many years I would get that call and I did and I cannot shed that fear. It is unhealthy I realize that. I worry that my daughter will get punched serving someone. I realized that even as a child I was an unnatural worrier. I worried when my mom and dad would have an argument that they would divorce, I would stress out if either one of them said something to the other that made one of them upset. I worried that if I said something to my sister she would get upset. I worry, it is what I do and I am awesome at it.
  • I think that for the most part I was carefree and normal and then when I was 14 I was raped and I kept that dirty little secret for over 30 years. I can still barely say it above a whisper.That night started my hatred of myself, and was when I began my goal of keeping myself numb with drugs and alcohol. I stole from people I loved, I dropped out of school breaking my parents hearts. I ended up being made a ward of the state and sent out of town to live. There I met my children’s father. I got pregnant when I was barely 17, at the time I was deep in my drugs and alcohol lifestyle. Getting pregnant saved my life. It forced me into sobriety.
  • Like most teen marriages mine was miserable, full of fighting and sadness. I loathed myself, I loathed the parent I was to my sweet innocent boy, I loathed my husband. Instead of drugs I turned to food. It served a dual purpose, it fed my sadness and I figured If I am fat no man will ever want to touch or hurt me again, sadly it is still a mantra I chant in my head. We stayed married for 14 years, I spent those years, angry, sad, depressed and miserable and eating… always eating.
  • After my divorce I spent the next 3 years keeping everyone at bay. I worked multiple jobs to support the kids until I was asked to go to work for a new company that came to town. I enjoyed that job, lots of good people worked there. That is where I met my second husband. Let me say at this point that my picker is broken. This time I thought, I can save him, he loves me for me, my life is worth living happily. I was mistaken.. There are only three good things that came of that marriage 1. It got me out of Burns 2. It gave me the most amazing in-laws who to this day treat me with love and respect and 3. It taught me to stand up for myself and taught me that I can do anything, I can take care of me I will never, ever be made to feel second best by another human being.
  • Of course as I said my picker is broke, I have baggage HUGE HUGE baggage because of this failed marriage. He was narcissistic in a way I have never seen another human being be. While I was never physically abused by him the mental abuse was incredible. I am not going into those issues as I love and respect his family and to this day we are friends. Do not get me wrong, I am not blameless in either of my failed marriages but I will not shoulder the brunt of blame. In essence once again I walked away thinking never again will I allow such pain from a man. I will make myself fat, it seems to have worked the first time!
  • In 2001 I got the call no parent wants to get. My son was in an accident, they did not know if he would live. He was 6 hours away but being being air lifted to Bend. My daughter and I jumped into my car and drove, at midnight the almost 3 hours to Bend not knowing if he would be alive or dead. I got there 30 minutes too late to say I love you or hug him. For 6 weeks he fought to live, he died, they saved him, that day I lost my son, the son who adored me. His head injury is so subtle to most people but to me it is blaringly obvious. He loves me I know that but it is not the same. His wounds run so much deeper than his missing part of his foot or the stomach wounds or his hips and pelvis or any of the other wounds he suffered. He struggles with feeling he is worthy of things, I think part of the reason we do not see each other or talk as much is he knows how much I worry and he doesn’t want to worry me. He is amazing my boy, he is my everything. My daughter is my everything. If I did anything right in this world it was the creation of those two incredible beings.
  • I was blessed, my child lived, my friends….. so many of my friends lost their children to wrecks or suicide or accidents of some sort or another… I am blessed and yet I feel so tremendously guilty that I was so blessed and they were not. Do not get me wrong, there is not a second of the day that does not go by that I am not thanking God for letting me keep Levi but I still feel guilty. And then….I feel guilty for feeling guilty.
  • I used to be a nice person, I was kind, I was sympathetic, I was understanding and loving. I am now cynical, full of anger, hatred, frustration. I no longer trust people I doubt their intentions, I find myself judging. I am not a nice person. I do not like this person I have become. I want to be the person I know I can be. I want to be healthy both physically and emotionally. I want to be the kind of mom and friend, daughter, and sister that I know I can be. I want to learn to forgive and move on, to not judge and not be so filled with rage. I want to shed this weight that has held me down since that night when I was 14…. the weight both physically and mentally, that I have allowed to hold me down.
  • I could go on with this soul baring saga but I think you get the gist of it. I want to set that scared, angry, humiliated, ashamed 14 year old girl to rest… I want to let her go and I want to become the grown woman I know I need to be.
  • Part of this soul baring was my putting my weight out there. I need to do it to be accountable, my intent is to share a picture of my now and my weight loss (or gain) on a regular basis. Not for any one else but for me, to be held accountable for my actions, to keep me honest and to hopefully inspire others as they have inspired me. So tomorrow I get weighed at my weight watchers meeting, I will have my friend take a picture and I will post my first post of the first day of my new journey to a healthier happier me. I would love it if others want to share their journeys with me.
  • Hugs~Theresa
  • July 24, 2014
    Starting weight 261 lbs

    Start of my journey 261 lbs
    Start of my journey 261 lbs

5 thoughts on “Memories….like the corners of my mind…..(insert corny music)”

  1. Love you both. Our lives are indeed a journey, filled with ups and downs. Xo
    That’s why we have each other to get through. 🙂

    Like

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