I do want to say this blog is not going to always be depressing, there will be happy posts, there will be my coupon giveaways, there will be my struggles, it will be a work in progress and likely all over the board. What it is going to be in honest. I think it is important as well for people to know I do not regret any of things that brought me to where I am today. I regret some of my behaviors but none of the things that led to those actions. Hopefully you will stay with me through the journey…
I have struggled with depression in one form or another for many years. I am one of those people who refuse to embrace it and deal with it. I always say mine is situational rather than chemical although chemical depression runs deep in my family. I think it is perhaps a bit of both. I have tried therapy but have never come away feeling better, likely I did not give it enough time. I have tried medicine which probably helps more than I will admit.
My depression has taken me to some very dark places. I can remember times of getting one of my dads guns and putting it to my head and the only thing stopping me from pulling the trigger was the thought that I am such a loser that I would not even succeed at ending my life. I can remember driving and thinking how easy it would be to cross that yellow line. There were many times I thought about and came to the edge of ending it.
My heart aches for my friends who have lost their loved ones to depression, it is so easy to write it off as being selfish or doing something permanent for a temporary problem. I can tell you if you truly suffer from depression you are not doing it to be selfish, you are not suffering a temporary problem that will just pass…. Depression is not the same as being sad, or down. Depression is all consuming, you can barely breathe you feel like you can not get out of bed to even walk to the bathroom or work. You find no joy in life not even in the things you hold dearest to you. The light you see at the end of the tunnel is a freight train of pain baring down on you at full force. One day with help I do believe that freight train can be a glorious light of happy. It takes time, it is likely going to be a lifetime of managing but it can be attained for most people. There is no quick fix and ultimately it affects everyone around you as they struggle to understand and help you.
I was looking at a video post and stumbled on this one from Rick Springfield. It have to admit I jokingly mock my friends who go to see him in concert but after watching his video I would love to watch him, I would love to hug him and I would love to tell him thank you for sharing his pain and struggles. All too often depression is made to be an embarrassment, you do not admit you have it, it is taboo.. it is the dirty family secret. What it really is, is insidious, it takes over families, famous people have it, unknown people have it, happy people have it, it is everywhere in varying degrees. We need to address it, take it from being taboo to being something to not be ashamed of. I hope you take the time to watch this video.
I have made quite a few new friends on Facebook. For all the toxic it holds there are people on there who inspire and I am surrounding myself with those people. A common theme with them is they find a way to channel that part of their lives. They take photos and tell stories with them. They create beautiful painted shirts and paintings. They help animals or other humans. I hope to find a way to channel my struggles in a positive way. I do know this journey will get uncomfortable and I will want to stop it but I am determined to keep going.