I have to admit since starting this new journey I have not been successful with my eating but that is ok. I am going to keep plugging and get on course. Problem is… my mind will not shut down; I cannot sleep and am exhausted. Partly that is stress from work, partly the guilt that I am putting my dirty laundry out there for the world to see. Should I really blog about my personal stuff, am I hurting others by doing so…guilt.guilt.guilt it is my enemy. I have read other blogs of peoples struggles and their journey and it has been helpful so regardless of the self- imposed guilt I feel, I am going to do this. I need to learn to not worry so much about what others think…. As long as I am not deliberately being hurtful I think this is ok to do.
The biggest hurdle I have in my eating is not so much over eating but eating the amount of points (weight watchers version of calories) I am allotted a day. I do not come close to eating the amount I should so my body goes into starvation mode. I am also type 2 diabetic so should be eating mini meals throughout the day. What I do eat most weekends is dinner, I skip breakfast, forget to eat lunch and then feel sick so eat dinner. It is usually not a well-balanced meal for the most part unless I am close to a payday and then I hit the farmers markets and stock up on veggies. I seem to be going through this phase where meat repulses me; if it is already cooked I can stomach it a bit better but for the most part I am eliminating that from my diet. So I am on a mission to find healthy well balanced protein laden recipes. I love legumes so that is helpful.
One thing I have learned the past few years while trying to get my life in order (tried many times to do this and failed) is I am surrounded by some of the most amazing, loving, patient, tolerant and understanding people a girl could EVER hope to have. When my dad was dying he just could not understand why people liked him, every conversation we had he would talk about how he and Tom became friends and how he did not understand why a young man would want to hang out with an old man and then hang around with that man while he is dying. Tom was a God send to my parents. My dad was so paranoid that year he battled cancer, mom was by his side 24/7. Tom would come by and let her go get her hair done or just go to her beloved book store to visit for a bit with others. He was an angel to her and unknowingly to me because I knew even if my sister and I could not be there to reprieve mom, he would be. I kept telling dad your kinda cool that is why people like you, he would laugh and shake his head and tell me it just made no sense to him. I could never quite understand why he didn’t “get it”.
My best friend is taking this horrid and painful journey with her dad. Her mom and dad were like second parents to me, she said her dad struggles with the same thing my dad did. Why do people like me, why are they so kind and helpful? Her dad and mine were polar opposites. My sweet dad was very quiet and mumbly but had a funny lil sense about him. She told me today that she thought he didn’t understand that he was funny and I think she was right. Her dad is bubbly and outgoing and you could not be around him and not smile even if you tried, he is just that sweet and funny. My heart hurts for her and her sweet mom and her siblings. Losing your parents sucks, I don’t care if it is the circle of life blah blah blah it SUCKS! I feel bad I am not the friend to her I should be, she has always been there for me, one of the few people I trust implicitly. It hurts that I cannot help her, I cannot make it go away and then I feel bad because this is about her and her impending loss and here I am feeling bad that I am not there for her. I feel bad but it hurts…it rushes back those memories of my dad and although he is not my dad I could not love him or her mom more if they were. Her entire family are amazing and loving and I am blessed to be a part of it. I mentioned that I though perhaps I do not feel like I deserve to be happy, part of me knows that is total BS but a bigger part of me thinks it is the truth.
I said before I do not recall a lot of my youth but I know that she and I had fun, we laughed and we cried and we struggled with being invisible. I think that is almost more painful than being visible and bullied. We just didn’t exist to most people in our school, we could walk down the hall and it was like we were ghosts, no one saw us or the pain we were in. I think that is why we have been friends for all these years, we can go a long time and not speak or see each other but we pick up where we left off. I have always said I would take a bullet for her (do not get me wrong I don’t WANT to but I would). I can genuinely say she is part of the reason I never crossed that yellow line. She understood my pain, I could tell her and still do tell her anything. We joke we know too much about each other to not be friends. I guess the point to this rambly detour in my writing is I too do not understand why people like me, or want to be around me, or stick by me. I am not the best friend a person could hope to have, I certainly have not been the best daughter, mother, sister or aunt. But I do love hard when I do, the flip side of that is I am fairly unforgiving when wronged. I am working on that because it is unhealthy and unfair. So I guess I do get their not “getting it” after all regarding not understanding why people like us.