I have been talking to a new found friend, she is (whether her intent or not) helping me to rethink how I have been thinking things. Helping me to realize I need to slow down in my responses and really think about why/what/how I have come to feel those things. I appreciate her wisdom more than she will ever know.
One of my struggles since Levi’s accident is the feelings of guilt and sadness. Guilt that my friends have lost children and mine was saved, guilt for feeling guilty about it. Guilt for moving away and not being there, sadness that his life did not end up the way he had hoped it would, sadness that he is in pain. Sadness, because on that day I lost a little piece of my sweet Levi. What I should be doing is feeling elation that he did not die, that although he has struggles he is alive and he is for the most part able to enjoy life.
He is an amazing young man, but he has always been somewhat aloof even as a baby. He did not like to cuddle; he just wanted to be left to his own devices. He would lie in his crib for hours after waking up and just entertain himself. He rarely cried, he was a thinker, he loved to stare at things and tear them apart and put them back together. He has never been a social butterfly; he prefers solitude to being with people. My heart broke when he first started school, I would drive by and he would just be all by himself against the building. I spoke to his teacher about it and she said he is absolutely adored by the other kids that they would come in crying because someone stole his place in the tetherball line but he just didn’t care. Maybe that is why to this day, a hug from him is one of the most amazing feelings ever. He takes you in his arms, wraps them around you, and picks you up off the ground and just squeezes. I love his hugs, I miss his hugs, and no one hugs like that boy does. One of my most cherished pictures is of him sitting in my parent’s driveway, playing with his trucks, a daffodil in the background, his blonde hair just shining… my solitary little boy.
He was sensitive; change in my tone could drive him to tears. He would mow the lawns, shovel snow, whatever he could to help our elderly neighbors. He stepped in to be the “man” of the house when his father and I divorced. He bought a lawn mower with his own money, and a splitting maul and axe, he was SO proud. The first Christmas after the divorce I told them it would not be like the ones before, they would likely get one nice gift each, that they needed to think what one thing they really wanted. Of course sweet Kayla who was 4 years younger than Levi stated that ONE present was not enough. Levi is his sweet innocent voice said momma don’t get me anything and get Kayla two things, she of course stated that TWO gifts were not enough =)
August comes and for weeks I will just be down and out, not really realizing why until it hits me that August 15th was a day that changed my life. As I write this and really ponder why I feel this way, I think maybe it is more my feeling of loss for what I thought his life should be, or my worries that he hurts and struggles. My goal for next August is to revel in the joy that is my son, the man he has become, the beautiful blonde sweet boy that survived something the doctors stated he should not have survived. I need to be joyous that I can still get one of those awesome hugs, and that when I want to speak to him I can do so on my phone and not to the heavens.
I had a doctor appointment today and every single blood test I had was a bad result. All the hard work I have done the last few years to reverse my diabetes, lower my cholesterol, lower by blood pressure is gone. The fear of losing my feet has always been in the back of my head, I now have neuropathy so that has to move to the front and center of my mind. My numbers were way worse than last year, my blood pressure was elevated dangerously. Stress has been my life, I have to de-stressify myself or else. It was all I could do today to not just break down and lose it. But a sweet smart lady has been emailing me now and again, and sharing things and asking things and making me realize things…Thank you Kathy S. for helping me to see things in an entirely different light, this will surely be a long journey for me but one I am looking forward to taking.