I am a tad bit mad/upset/disappointed etc with myself at the moment. I had started blogging again awhile back putting out there to the universe that I was going to make changes, I was going to lose weight and eat healthier. I was so happy I had lost 30 pounds I had turned my diabetes around and looked and felt better than I had in too many years to count. Then I got derailed by hand surgery, my weight watchers group disbanding and stress from work and life in general. I have always been and likely always will be a stress eater, a happy eater, a mad eater, a whatever mood I am in eater. The first of the year after losing Luna I stopped walking like I was, I find myself so bored and lonely without her (no I am not going to get another dog). It is just a different kind of alone without a dog around or your kid around. For most people the answer would be to go socialize but that is not the answer for me, I like my aloneness I really do. BUT I find I am eating myself to death… like never before I am stuffing myself with crap, mindlessly and sometimes mindful. My body hurts, I am not sleeping I am so incredibly angry at every little thing.
My reality is I LOVE food, I LOVE IT, I am not willing to starve myself or eat crappy tasteless food. So I got a few recipes from a friend and plan on making some vegan soups and believe it or not black lentil burgers that use MUSHROOMS (you who know me know how horrific the thought of a mushroom is to me) but I am going to make them. I am also going to make a vegan creamy garlic sauce that uses cashews as the cream part. Stay tuned as to whether this is a successful venture or not. No I am not likely to become a vegan but I do hope to one day eliminate meat entirely from my diet or at the very least no more than once or twice a month (not sure I can say goodbye to bacon).
I forced myself to go on a happy hour outing with co-workers, I am not sure many people get how hard it is for me to step outside my self imposed box but I went and yes I had a good time. A friend took a picture of me and my buddy Pam and I look at that picture and am so sad and angry at how I have once again let myself go. I am perfectly capable of walking and exercising I just find it incredibly boring, I hate the looks and judgmental glances I get when I am out or at the gym. I will actually be sitting with other people and someone will come up to chat and it is as if I do not exist…. I realize part of that is my apparent neon sign on my forehead that says back off. I joined a gym, paid for a year of that membership and never stepped foot in the gym 10 or those 12 months. Tonite after work I went and joined Curves, I have been a member before and it was successful. It is a little better than a gym in filling my needs. I don’t need to be thin I just want to live longer happier healthier and less painfully. So I have attached the picture that pissed me off and made me decide to just do it. I really am going to try to be more faithful to myself and blog on here, and own up to my failings as well as my accomplishments. I know I have a ton of support and I know I push people away if they become too “closely supportive” so will try to do that a little less.
Thanks for listening so to speak and if you wanna follow me on this whatever it is I would love it.