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Large and in Charge aka as Time to Downsize…. Literally

I am a tad bit mad/upset/disappointed etc with myself at the moment. I had started blogging again awhile back putting out there to the universe that I was going to make changes, I was going to lose weight and eat healthier. I was so happy I had lost 30 pounds I had turned my diabetes around and looked and felt better than I had in too many years to count. Then I got derailed by hand surgery, my weight watchers group disbanding and stress from work and life in general. I have always been and likely always will be a stress eater, a happy eater, a mad eater, a whatever mood I am in eater. The first of the year after losing Luna I stopped walking like I was, I find myself so bored and lonely without her (no I am not going to get another dog). It is just a different kind of alone without a dog around or your kid around. For most people the answer would be to go socialize but that is not the answer for me, I like my aloneness I really do. BUT I find I am eating myself to death… like never before I am stuffing myself with crap, mindlessly and sometimes mindful. My body hurts, I am not sleeping I am so incredibly angry at every little thing.

My reality is I LOVE food, I LOVE IT, I am not willing to starve myself or eat crappy tasteless food. So I got a few recipes from a friend and plan on making some vegan soups and believe it or not black lentil burgers that use MUSHROOMS (you who know me know how horrific the thought of a mushroom is to me) but I am going to make them. I am also going to make a vegan creamy garlic sauce that uses cashews as the cream part. Stay tuned as to whether this is a successful venture or not. No I am not likely to become a vegan but I do hope to one day eliminate meat entirely from my diet or at the very least no more than once or twice a month (not sure I can say goodbye to bacon).

I forced myself to go on a happy hour outing with co-workers, I am not sure many people get how hard it is for me to step outside my self imposed box but I went and yes I had a good time. A friend took a picture of me and my buddy Pam and I look at that picture and am so sad and angry at how I have once again let myself go. I am perfectly capable of walking and exercising I just find it incredibly boring, I hate the looks and judgmental glances I get when I am out or at the gym. I will actually be sitting with other people and someone will come up to chat and it is as if I do not exist…. I realize part of that is my apparent neon sign on my forehead that says back off.  I joined a gym, paid for a year of that membership and never stepped foot in the gym 10 or those 12 months. Tonite after work I went and joined Curves, I have been a member before and it was successful. It is a little better than a gym in filling my needs. I don’t need to be thin I just want to live longer happier healthier and less painfully. So I have attached the picture that pissed me off and made me decide to just do it. I really am going to try to be more faithful to myself and blog on here, and own up to my failings as well as my accomplishments. I know I have a ton of support and I know I push people away if they become too “closely supportive” so will try to do that a little less.

Thanks for listening so to speak and if you wanna follow me on this whatever it is I would love it.

Hugs~Theresa

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5 thoughts on “Large and in Charge aka as Time to Downsize…. Literally”

  1. I feel you. 3 yrs ago I was at my thinnest/healthiest I’ve been in a while. I was feeling good. Work was great. Then my husband’s accident sent me into nonstop stress mode and it’s been nothing it weight gain. Pile on top of that 1 major surgery, a corrective surgery and an unexpected surgery in a 3 month time span and I at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been; slightly over what I was when I was 9 months pregnant. I keep saying I’m going to work out or make better choices when eating – but I’m a social person. I love the food. The cocktails. The setting of enjoying with friends and having a good laugh. All of which doesn’t help my crusade. It’s hard. And it sucks

    Please know I understand. I think you’re still the beautiful woman and friend I’ve come to confide in. It doesn’t change what you want for your personal goals – just know, to those who love you, we support you. We get it. And we love you just the same.

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  2. Ahhhhhhh……Miss Theresa……..I soooo totally get what you mean about your self imposed exile, the sign on your forehead and being disappointed in yourself……when we were in WW meetings I could always relate to you….I only wish you saw yourself as others see you….an incredibly intelligent, funny and caring person who deserves to treat herself better by taking care of herself and LOViNG herself AS SHE IS!!!

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    1. Terry I miss you so much!!! We are so alike aren’t we…. I hope one day to see myself as,worthy. Let’s seriously do lunch or coffee, I am flexible so when it works for you let’s do it. I am totally good to drive to your neck o the woods. Thank you for being awesome you and supporting me. Love ya buddy

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