I cannot even begin to put into words how I felt when I opened a simple box that was in my mailbox today. I have struggled with feeling adequate my whole life, never quite feeling a part of things. I need to clarify that my mom and dad loved me I know that, my sister loved me I know that too, my aunts and uncles did as well… it was just my feelings. I have commented in the past that my father commented several times his last year that he did not understand why people liked him, why they wanted to be around him and help him through his bout of cancer. I would tell him that is was because he was awesome and funny and kind and sweet. He would just laugh at me. He was and is still adored by all his Rainbow Girls. He loved them as if they were his own and they felt the same thing about him. I still have women 40 years later tell me how much he meant to them. Growing up I never “got” why my friends thought of my mom and dad as their second parents.
And yet I wonder the same thing. Why do people want to talk to me at work, why do my neighbors want to talk to me and socialize with me. Why, why, WHY! And why do I feel the need to push people way constantly. I know I tell people all the time I am antisocial at home and for the most part I am. If I am at a store or walking around I will engage people in conversation, I think even though I will never admit it (shhhh this is our secret) that I like talking to people, I like smiling at them and engaging them….as long as they are strangers. I am not comfortable with people I know… although if I am in a group of people I will tend to be quiet, if we are a happy hour I will not engage and I will not look anyone in the eye. I think I am doing a lot of people an injustice by judging them to be judging me.
In my defense, I have been chastised, glared at, told how ugly and fat and undeserving I am. I have had strangers smile at my car until they get next to me and I have watched those big smiles turn to disgust. It is the worst feeling in the world so I would rather not look at anyone as opposed to seeing their disdain.
This leads me to the amazing gift I received today from an amazing woman I knew in high school and have reconnected with on Facebook. I always thought she was beautiful, but she is beautiful inside and out. She married her high school sweetheart and it is clear they adore each other and have made their marriage work. They are an inspiration to others. She sent me a box with the most amazing and loving letter and 3 gifts. I asked her if I could share what she sent and she told me I could. This came at the best time, a time I am struggling to find me, to understand why I feel like I do and I think this gives me a little more perspective of what others might see in me. There are no words Melanie LaChapelle to express how truly blessed I am to have you in my life. I am going to keep this letter forever, I am going to read it often and I am going to learn to believe every word you said in it. I sat there on my deck, listening to my fountain, crying tears of hope and love and wondering what I ever did to deserve the people I have in my life. I am a big believer of paying it forward, when the time is right I will be paying this simple act of love to someone else.
6 Things Happy People Never Do (I need to read, learn, live it)
Happiness is not something you postpone for the future;
it is something you design into the present.
Happy people do a lot of things. They spend time expressing gratitude, cultivating optimism, practicing kindness, nurturing loving relationships, committing to meaningful goals, savoring life’s little pleasures, and so on and so forth.
But they NEVER…
1. Mind other people’s business.
Forget about what others are doing. Stop looking at where they are and what they have. Nobody is doing better than you because nobody can do better than you. YOU are walking your own path. Sometimes the reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes circumstances with everyone else’s public highlight reel. We listen to the noise of the world, instead of ourselves. So stop the comparisons! Ignore the distractions. Listen to your own inner voice. Mind your own business.
Keep your best wishes and your biggest goals close to your heart and dedicate time to them every day. Don’t be scared to walk alone, and don’t be scared to enjoy it. Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, drama, or negativity stop you from being the best you can be. Keep doing what you know in your heart is right, for YOU. Because when you are focused on meaningful work and at peace within yourself, almost nothing can shake you. (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Passion and Growth” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
2. Seek validation of self-worth from others.
When you are content to simply be yourself, without comparing and competing to impress others, everyone worthwhile will respect you. And even more importantly, you will respect yourself.
How are you letting others define you? What would you do differently if youknew nobody would judge you?
Truth be told, no one has the right to judge you. People may have heard your stories, and they may think they know you, but they can’t feel what you are going through; they aren’t living YOUR life. So forget what they think and say about you. Focus on how you feel about yourself, and keep walking the path that feels best under your feet.
Those who accept you are your friends. Those who don’t are your teachers. If someone calls you something and it’s true, it’s not your problem because it’s true. If someone calls you something and it’s not true, it’s not your problem because it’s not true. Either way, whatever they call you is not your problem. What other people call you is their problem…
What you call yourself, and who you decide to become, is your problem.
3. Rely on other people and external events for happiness.
Unhappiness lies in that gap between what we have now and what we think we need. But the truth is, we don’t need to acquire anything more to be content with what we already have. We don’t need anyone else’s permission to be happy. Your life is magnificent not because someone says it is, or because you have acquired something new, but because you choose to see it as such. Don’t let your happiness be held hostage. It is always yours to choose, to live and experience.
As soon as you stop making everyone and everything else responsible for your happiness, the happier you’ll be. If you’re unhappy now, it’s not someone else’s fault. Take full responsibility for your own unhappiness, and you will instantly gain the ability to be happier. Stop seeking in vain to arrange conditions that will make you happy. Simply choose to appreciate the greatness that is yours in this moment, and the right conditions will start to line up around the contentment you seek.
The greater part of your happiness or unhappiness depends upon your outlook, and not upon our situation. Even if things aren’t perfect right now, think of all the beauty still left around you. A good reason to smile is always one thought away; choose to tap into it any time you like. (Read The Gifts of Imperfection.)
4. Hold on to resentment.
Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghosts from your past. What happened in the past is just one chapter in your story; don’t close the book, just turn the page.
We’ve all been hurt by our own decisions and by others, and while the pain of these experiences is normal, sometimes it lingers for too long. Feelings of resentment urge us to relive the same pain over and over, and we have a hard time letting go.
Forgiveness is the remedy. It allows you to focus on the future without combating the past. To understand the infinite potential of everything going forward is to forgive everything already behind you. Without forgiveness, wounds can never be healed and personal growth can never be achieved. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life.
5. Spend prolonged periods of time in negative environments.
You can’t make positive choices for the rest of your life without an environment that makes those choices easy, natural, and enjoyable. So protect your spirit and potential from contamination by limiting your time with negative people and the environments they inhabit.
When other people invite you to act like victims, when they whine and moan about the unfairness of life, for example, and ask you to agree, to offer condolences, and to participate in their grievances, WALK AWAY. When you join in that game of negativity you always lose.
Even when you’re alone, create a positive mental space for yourself. Make it a point to give up all the thoughts that make you feel bad, or even just a few of them that have been troubling you, and see how doing that changes your life. You don’t need negative thoughts. They are all lies. They solve nothing. All they have ever given you is a false self that suffers for no reason. (Read Buddha’s Brain.)
6. Resist the truth.
It is a certain deathtrap when we spend our lives learning how to lie, because eventually these lies grow so strong in our minds that we become bad at seeing, telling and living our own truth. Lives come apart so easily when they have been held together with lies. If you resist the truth, you will live a lie every day as the truth haunts your thoughts every night. You simply can’t get away from your truth by moving dishonestly from one place to the next.
So don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to hide the truth with deception; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion of what’s popular. It is better to offer no explanation or excuse than a false one. It takes courage and strength to admit the truth, but it is the only way to truly live. Accept what is, embrace it fully, and live for the possibilities that lie ahead.
What would you add to the list? What’s something you should NOT do if you want to be happy? Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.
Hugs, love and peace ~~ Theresa