I love walking and I have come up with some of the best blog ideas while doing it and then…. I walk into my apartment and pooooof the majority of the thoughts are gone. Tonight while walking I was thinking how different the 280 pound Theresa is from the 198 pound Theresa. The obvious of course is the 82 pounds and 62 inch loss. But the not so obvious is how different emotionally I am.
280 pound Theresa was depressed, angry, hid in her apartment, did not look people in the eye, slouched, exhausted, lazy and was sick often. 280 pound Theresa lived in the past and wore over sized clothes to hide her body and shame.
Most people know my past and how I got to be the person I was on July 20, 2015 when I took back my life. Short version is a violent act when I was 14 dictated the next 38 years. I intentionally made myself obese thinking it would keep me from ever getting hurt again… did it work…. of course not. But tonight I think I realized for the first time that carrying that weight was me actually punishing myself for something i felt was shameful. Tonight I realized that being obese aside from health issues, had kept me in the past and did not allow me to move on and bury that hurt girl. I truly did not believe I deserved happiness. I am my own worst enemy.
What led me to that thought was I am at the point in this journey where my body is sagging, my boobs sag, my upper stomach has excess skin, my arms are bat wings… the worst part for me though is the belly…. That terrible inner tube of flesh from having so many abdominal surgeries that I have no core or muscle ability. This morning I took shirt after shirt off, frustrated almost in tears because that belly that hangs and makes my hips look huge is getting bigger. I always make sure when I do a picture to make sure it is not obvious.
But as I was walking tonight it hit me…that roll, those bat wings and saggy boobs are badges of honor. Those are my trophies for hard work. I should not feel embarrassed that I have this big roll.. all the blisters, shin splints, tears, frustrations and ultimately laughter and joy are why I have that roll.. I EARNED THAT ROLL
I do not like it, it will bug me until it diminishes but I will try my best to not feel shamed by it. So I took a picture of my awesome badge of honor and am sharing it with all tonite.
Please to those of you who do not believe you are beautiful, that your bodies are ugly or you are not worthy… please look in the mirror and see how amazing you are. No matter where you are in this journey love yourself enough to keep fighting and loving the new you.
THAT is what 21 Day Fix, Shakeology, clean eating and Beach Body have helped me learn. Who knew that one of the side effects of this new lifestyle would be a complete and utter rewiring of my brain and how I think.
AND that my friends is the biggest difference between 280 pound Theresa and 198 pound Theresa…. 198 pound Theresa is more confident, I stand taller, I engage strangers in conversation, I have energy, I look people in the eye, I smile and I have learned to say thank you when people compliment me, I laugh and I love my life. I have people tell me I inspire them even though they have no clue how much they inspire me.
I finally believe on a level when people say I look beautiful that I am. Bat wings, saggy belly, and boobs be damned.
My name is Theresa and I have an inner tube for a belly because I worked damn hard for it and I am kinda proud of it tonight.