21 Day Fix, Clean_Eating, Uncategorized

Twists and Turns Ups and Downs

Kinda bummed as my Ultimate Reset has come to an end. There is something in the second phase products that causes my skin to burn like it is on fire. BUT I did gain new better eating habits, will continue the vegetarian diet. I loved eating vegan but I do miss eggs and will likely use cheese occasionally so will go vegetarian route. I have no desire for meat NONE at all. I am not saying I will never eat chicken again but for now I am super content not going there. I am going to continue with the eating plan but going back to eating my 4 small meals and shakeo, I was not a fan of how limited the calories were.

I think for others this would be a great thing to do. I eat so clean I saw no changes at all, I did not experience the feelings others said they did. One of the things that made me incredibly sad was how others in the support group were only obsessed with the scale, they were not doing this for any other reason that to lose weight quick. So that said if you are doing it for that reason you may end up being disappointed. For people who do not eat clean yes you will see some good losses perhaps but this was created for cleaning your inside body and mind and most do not see that. Most only cared about that damn number on the scale.

I was watching a show called Heavy and it was heart breaking. Of all the people on the show only one young boy got what the weight loss journey is about for most people. For most, not all, but most there is a reason we are overweight, it is not about being weak or lazy, it is emotional. This journey HAS to be about finding out why, addressing it and working on it and finding happiness and health, if you lose in the process that is a side effect.

My new hurdle in this journey is to learn to love my body as it is right now saggy, crepe papery look and all. I realized just how uncomfortable I was in my skin yesterday when I posted those pictures of me in the dresses. My arms made me cringe and cry and I thought how I am every going to wear a short sleeve or no sleeve shirt again. How will I ever be able to wear something that hugs my body with that hanging skin… HOW

I always feel people are judging me, I do not go to big name gyms because I think I would be judged and THEN it hit me…. I think that way because I am a total judgey judgerton! I told my friend that is why I am paranoid, because I do it to people. ME the person who should be the least judgmental judges others. I am not openly mean to them but I make comments to my friend or to myself and what the hell right do I have to do that. I do not know their journey, their path or their struggle. WOW what an epiphany that was. I am THAT person that I do not like.

The boy I mentioned who “got” what this journey is about said this and it made me so happy to hear. He told them “I came here and all I wanted was to lose weight, I had no idea I would gain so much more in the process”.

I have no right to preach or tell others how to feel but I vowed to share this journey, to be as honest and open as I could. I say this with the utmost sincerity, if you want to be successful and be happy, if you want to be more than just someone who lost weight, if you want to be comfortable in your skin, you have to view weight loss as more than just losing weight. You have to view it as a lifestyle change, you have to take the good with the bad. You have to find out why you eat like you do. You have to stare down those painful demons and be honest with yourself because if you cannot be honest with yourself you will never be ok.. You have to learn to LOVE YOU and take all that comes with it. AND you have to stop viewing eating healthy as a deprivation.. I do not feel deprived, this is not a diet this is a lifestyle. If you view it as a chore you will likely not succeed.

I am not going to lie this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.. I quit a 3 pack a day smoking habit cold turkey, I quit drugs and drinking. This is hard and painful so please, please do not give up when it gets hard or painful, it is so worth pushing through. I know I will never be able to eat like others and I am ok with that. I know I will forever battle my addictive behaviors. I know that I will forever have to fight my flight or fight feelings. I have been blessed beyond belief to be surrounded by the most amazing people, some I know personally, some I have never met other than on here. I am not always sure I deserve that support (another struggle I will always have) but I embrace it and I hope I give back even a nth of what you all have given me. I love each of you, I hold you so close to my heart and soul because if I had not had you in my corner I am not sure I would be where I am today.

My goal was to lose 140 pounds, half my body weight but I think now that would not be healthy for me. Honestly I think I am fine as I am now. I am a size 12/14 from a 28 but I still weigh 188 and that is a lot of weight to have on my knees that are feeling a bit wobbly lately. So I am going to just go with the flow, focus more on toning and exercising and try to obsess less with hiking as hard as I had been. My walking needs to be less about how fast I can do it and how far I can go and more about slowing down and enjoying the world around me. My focus is going to be on my mind and soul and if I continue to lost that is a beautiful lil gift.

So I am going to step off my soap box now, go do some housework and food prepping and I am going to be thankful for each and every one of you, each experience I have had along the way and I am going to try to refocus my mind on what is important.

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