I am the queen of worry in fact I should receive an Emmy or Oscar for my stellar worrying. I worry about my kids, my mom, my sister and her kids… I worry about myself and everyone around me. I worry…it is what I do. I worry people hate me or that I have let people down, I worry my children will not have happy healthy lives, I worry how I will pay my rent, how I will pay my bills… I worry it is what I do.
That worrying has made life hard… I worry I have hurt others during this journey of healing and finding myself. I worry and that makes my mind go non-stop. I decided when I hit the 100 pounds lost that I was going to give my weight loss journey a rest for a few months so my mind and body could catch up with each other and heal. I had no idea how difficult this journey would be. I thought the hard part would be losing the weight but reality is the hard part has been mentally what I have lost and gained.
I used to love to read and somewhere along the way I lost that love. I hurry as much as I worry. I am always in a hurry, a hurry to get to work, go to the store, read an article, walk or hike. I really want to learn to slow down and be mindful of my surroundings, learn to slow down and take it all in. Enjoy the beauty of life around me. I need to learn to not make every single moment of my day a race. My mind goes a million miles a minute and therefore I do the same when walking, driving and just being. I want to slow down and enjoy this new found freedom my new body has given me. To get back the simple joys I once used to have.
I have bought several self help books over the years with the intent of reading and gaining something from them but my lack of being able to focus because I am in a hurry mentally and physically has stopped me from reading more than a paragraph. I bought a book called Mindfulness an Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. I am determined to slow down and be mindful while reading it. It involves meditation, slowing down and taking time to relearn how to make your mind work for you. I found this sentence interesting. I am learning that happiness comes from within and that it is ok to be sad or down as long as you move on from it. Life is about ebbing and flowing and I am learning to go with that and to not force the happy…
We try so hard to be happy that we end up missing the most important parts of our lives and destroying the very peace we are seeking
I also bought a book called Instant HAPPY Journal 365 Days of Inspiration, gratitude and Joy. It is undated which is great, I am going to randomly open it to a page and fill it out. I think it will be interesting to look back on it a year from now. The great thing about it is some days are about what happened that day, others force you to reflect back on the past and some will be focusing on the future. Today’s was titled “being negative is like spraying yourself with anti-charisma”. Boy did that ring true… I can tell that each day these are going to force me to think back on past behaviors and this was one I was terrible at. I could not accept a compliment I would counter with putting myself down. I was the most self deprecating person and never really understood just how uncomfortable that made others feel until I started being on the receiving end of it myself.
There are a couple of people around me that since I have lost the weight have been doing this to me. It is tiring trying to counter their putting themselves down and I have such sadness that I did it for years to those around me. I finally decided that I cannot do anything to stop those behaviors in them and it is not my job to try and persuade them they are not what they are saying about themselves. I find I distance myself from them. I do not think they mean to but by their doing so it takes away any positive they have said about my successes that they are complimenting me on. In fact it makes me feel guilty that I have lost the weight and they have not.
This morning I went to the farmers market and picked up some great produce. I enjoyed my Shakeology and fresh pressed coffee. I did not get my walk in but that is ok I need to not be so obsessed with walking miles and miles everyday. I made a wonderful stir fry, I did some laundry, I meditated and I just simply enjoyed the day. I sat outside and visited with a couple of my neighbors, usually I just say hello in passing because I am in such a hurry to get my walking in. Today I just talked and listened and laughed and enjoyed.
I am so looking forward to this new chapter of my journey. The last week has been huge for me. I realized that I no longer spend every day thinking how painful it is to exist. I realized that things that used to make me cry in sadness now make me cry in gratitude. I love my children, family and friends but spent so much time wallowing in self pity that I did not give them the love or attention they deserve. Every day I think of my new grandbaby, my daughter, my son and my family and friends and every day I am beyond thankful to how blessed I am that they are in my life.
Have a blessed evening my friends.