I had said earlier that I bought a journal that is questions, statements etc for each day of the year. It is undated and I am just randomly picking them for each day. They make me really ponder sometimes to come up with an answer, sometimes it is easy.
Today’s journal words are “If you are going to look back on your past….then look how far you have come..”
This one is pretty easy for me because this whole journey has been about my past and how to stop letting it dictate my choices and stop dwelling on it. I look back at my past and for most of my life and most definitely the last 38 years of it I have lived it in fear. Fear has ruled my life… sometimes I did not even know what the heck I was fearing. It has been hard taking a good hard look at it. I feared my parents would divorce, I feared my friends would hate me, I feared I would be victimized again, I feared I would be a huge failure at being a good parent, I feared my marriage would end in divorce and I would be alone for the rest of my life, I feared I would never be able to enjoy intimacy, I feared I would be a drug addict or alcoholic my whole life. I feared I would lose my job and not be able to pay my bills. I feared I would remain unlovable that I would never control my eating or stop smoking. I feared I would believe I was ugly and not worthy the rest of my life. I feared I would get that dreaded call your child has been killed, when I got the call that my son had been critically injured and was not sure he would survive which set in motion 14 years of REALLY dreading calls from my mom or other family members. I still worry just not as much. I could keep going but it is a never ending list of fear.
I shed most of those fears over the last 9 months. I no longer fear being victimized, my parent stayed married until my father died so that fear is gone. My friends love me and I know now the real ones will stay with me forever. I have been clean for 34 years I will never worry about that addiction again. I have been smoke free for 22 years, turns out I did an ok job on the parenting and I think I will be a great grandma! My marriages did end in divorce but for the first time in 30 years I can envision wanting to spend my life with someone. I still worry about losing my job but I also know I am smart and will land on my feet and find something else if it were to happen. No matter how tough things have gotten for me financially I have always been able to pay my bills. For the first time in my life I feel worthy, worthy of love, respect, happiness. I no longer feel I am an ugly person inside and out. I not only lost weight but I lost the fear that had dictated my choice to make myself live as an obese person.
It is hard to explain why the loss of the weight has freed me from so much fear. The only way to explain is fear is what made me decide to gain weight so I would never be hurt again. Shedding that “protective layer” means that whole being is no more. My new fear is who am I really… Will I like the new me.. I guess the answer to the sentence for today is I have come farther than I ever though imaginable. In 10 months I shed 38+ years of fear. I have come a long way baby!! I have a long way to go but I am going to kick fears ass.