The last couple of weeks have been pretty trying. Family members with serious health issues and just some heart breaking personal family issues. One of the things I found was not everyone understands the journey I am on. I made it clear upfront with people that I was going to be honest and that includes the good and the bad. I also made it clear that I would not be offended or hurt if you choose to not follow along on my journey either on this blog or on my Facebook page. And I will no longer censor myself for the benefit of others.
Reality is life can be great but it can also be tough and if you act is if nothing bothers you well you are not being honest with yourself. I lost someone I thought was a friend.. If she had addressed her “issues” with my posts etc in a different way it would have not had to happen. Sometimes not saying anything is better than saying something you know will hurt them. Being brutally honest at the expense of another persons feelings is cruel if that person is not hurting anyone else. My posts are just that… mine… my feelings my way of seeing things. I am not now nor will I ever be someone else’s science project. I never asked to be her project and honestly I feel lighter having her made it easy for me to say goodbye. I felt I really had to be careful what I said because I allowed her to have power she never really had.
I am the reason for my success in this journey. Yes some people have helped along the way but I am the one who put in the hard work. I have said before that the hardest part of this journey has actually been addressing the feelings that have come up. I have always dealt with pain and anger by running. I lament about people who cut me off in traffic or for some other reason put a damper in my day. I see others do it as well, it is human nature, did I let it destroy my day… no but it happens and sometimes it just plays into things that have gone on through the day. Part of my personality is snarky and some people do not get that and that is ok I cannot be responsible for their seeing something as serious and not in jest.
I won’t lie and say her words did not hurt or sting, they did. A simple I no longer can follow you would have been kinder and worked. To tell my that my woe is me attitude is too much and then make a rambling long winded email on all the bad that is going on in their life (while telling me shit happens and I need to quit feeling sorry for myself) seemed a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. I had decided that maybe it was time to stop sharing my journey but then like every day since I started this I got a personal message from someone I do not know. I had comments on my posts from both people I know and people I do not know and they all told me they appreciate my honesty. That they like that I share the good and the bad, that they need to be reminded it is not all rainbows and lollipops. I am not saying this to be arrogant because honestly it is still hard to accept that anyone would find me inspirational. I have never felt that I had much to offer this world and honestly I still struggle with it.
I did take a few things from the online friendship we had and they will and have helped me but I will not regret saying goodbye to it. One of things I have been doing was sharing the memories from a year ago that pop up because they show just how much growth I have made. Be it different eating to how I handle stressful things. Again if someone does not take the time to read that it is a memory from the past that is on them not me.
So that said I spent a good week off and on in tears. I do not like when people do not like me or are mad at me. I beat myself up if I think I have hurt someone (another reason I tend to censor). I had good conversations with my friend from work, looked at pictures of my sweet lil grandbaby, said prayers and meditated and felt a bit more zen. I hiked and I sat on my deck and pondered what exactly it is I am doing with my life now. I still need to lose a bit more, I need to work on toning my body and my mind. I need to figure out who I am now and I decided I will no longer stress if people do not want to be in my life or go along on this journey. I also realized I am not done on this journey in fact I may actually just be starting and because so many have asked me to continue to share I will do so.
My daughter brought my grandson and his mommy to Prineville for a day visit. It was wonderful. He is the sweetest happiest little guy and it was great seeing Kayla and Megan. I cannot share pictures of my beautiful grandbaby online but trust me he is handsome! We hiked around the lake while Megan and Kayla attempted to fish, all Kayla caught was the end of her pole. I have done two dog sitting gigs and lots of hiking which always make me feel better. I am 10 days from my one year and I am DAMN proud of what I have accomplished.