So a couple of things I realized…
* My one year on this awesome new life was the 12th not the 20th like I have thought this last year lol.
* I not only lost 103 pounds and over 80 inches but also my unmatched sock lifestyle that was my FLAIR! Not sure why but kinda makes me sad.
* I have “met” some of the most amazing supportive people because of this. And as much as they say I inspire them THEY inspire me, they help me to keep fighting for this, they helped give me a voice and never judged or told me to shut up. They allowed me to post daily and sometimes multiple times a day my feelings and that helped me more than anything….finally being accountable for my actions or lack thereof. They “got” that being brutally honest about daily dealings etc was not me being whiny but me being honest and that allowed and still allows me to heal.
*I went from rarely smiling and never posting a picture of myself to smiling like a fool and over posting pictures of myself.
* Realized that I actually have self worth, that I am not ugly or unlovable, that I bring value to this world and others.
* That I did this… me and I have every right to be proud of the hard work and need to stop minimizing or apologizing for stuff related to it.
* That me…the person who kept herself obese as a self preservation mode, the person who spent most days laying on a couch, who could not walk 100 yards without being in pain, who never showed her arms or legs, who walked with her head down and never looked people in the eyes, who let one act all those years ago dictate that life….Me the person who now walks proud, smiles, engages people, walks up to 15 miles, shows my arms and legs (which reminds me I HAVE to remember to shave now), that laughs and does things I never thought possible. ME the person who is ridiculously happy 90% of the time but the last few days had to realize that I still have work to do, more than I thought.
* That it is ok to not be 100% all the time, that it is ok to have down moments. It is ok to be in those moments as long as I move on from them. I have some real work to do now. The last 2 or 3 weeks have been tough emotionally. I spent a good portion of my life depressed and suicidal… If there was ever a plus to having no self esteem it was that it kept me from following through on it. I have spent years where I could barely breath or function but I had 2 of the most amazing children that kept me going….that and I thought I was such a loser that I would not be successful at killing myself, that I would fuck it up like every other thing I touched and just become a vegetable that was aware of her surroundings but could do nothing but lay like a bump on a log. As sad as that comment is it saved my life. That and my friends and family and now my new friends and family I have met through this journey.
I have an addictive personality.. it was drugs, drinking, spending money I did not have, eating. Having my kids changed the drugs and drinking part of the punishing myself behaviors but the next 38 years was eating and hiding. This last year has helped me shed that part. The last year I became addicted to walking and hiking and that is not a bad thing but it became an obsession that over rode everything else… so my body is paying for that and I am having to scale back a bit and do some physical therapy.
I also am learning that it is ok if not everyone likes me or wants to be around me. That I do not need to take it personally. I have always been the keeper of the peace and sometimes you just cannot do it and need to let go. I say that I am keeper of the peace but I am also the most UNFORGIVING person if you cross me and I deem it over the line. That is something I am working on. That it is ok to state your opinion but be careful to not deliberately hurt others in doing so. That it is ok to agree to disagree.
So I am now going to work on the inside of me. I was talking to my friend today and told her that for the first time in a year or more I am really really down…down enough that I am not sleeping well, that I am not enjoying my walking like I love to do, that my mind is wandering to that place where I think, is this how life is going to be…how I do not want to be afraid or worry the rest of my days like this… I know I would never go back to that suicidal person but I do need to be cognizant of those feelings. Life is hard right now, we are bombarded by people killing each other, this terrible presidential election, the state of our world, the fact that it is a constant worry how we will retire or pay rent etc etc etc. I am trying very hard to move on from that. I do not have cable, I do not get the paper, I know hiding ones head is not healthy but sometimes you just have to take a break from reality.
So thank you to everyone who has supported me this last year. I am going to enjoy reading my memories that show up to see just how far I have come! Ok so that is more than a couple of things! I included some of my journey… the first time I climbed to the top of Mt. Tabor, the first time I made it up Mt. Talbert, my first time around Powell Butte and some that show how miserable I was and how awesome life started to become!