I went for a walk tonite. I have really missed them. I took it easy and did 5 miles. I forgot about endorphin’s and how awesome they are and am ranging from happy to tears and that is ok. I came home and cooked up a plum, nectarine, blueberries and cranberries with a little water and cinnamon and had it with my greek yogurt and sunflower seeds along with some random other items. While eating I have kind of come to a realization…ok I likely have had this aha moment several times.
For over a year I have focused on losing weight, gaining emotional freedom, getting my health back and then I hit 100 pounds lost and kind of got lost. I struggle with who am I, I am no longer that 14 year old hiding… I have emotionally never really been an adult like a REAL adult. I have no idea who I am.. I kind of thought I had come to grips with it but I realize I have not.
I put back 10 pounds and I am just up and down with that 10.. I am eating healthy at least what most people would feel is healthy but for me it is not what I should be doing. It is not as clean as I was, I have been eating bread which may as well be a pile of sugar! I am making excuses that fruit is good so eat lots and I know that is not good. I am so scared to gain this weight back (mentally I am positive I am not going to let this happen but emotionally is another things) that I am almost paralyzed by it. It is hard for some to understand I guess it is one of those you have to walk in my shoes things.
I miss my grandbaby…he is crawling, he is getting teeth, he has no idea who I am and that breaks my heart. I am only 6 hours away but with my back and hip issues that may as well be a 6000 hours away. I spent a year getting healthy only to have my body rebel against me. So now I am having to learn patience and slowing down and listening to my body rather than pushing it beyond what I should.
I am hopeful that the walking will get to increase over time, I am hopeful my hip and leg issues will get at least to the point that I can make the trip to see Deklin.
I work with a funny little man, he is from India originally and has a lot of different views spiritually than we who have been born here tend to have. My bestie coworker pal is Hindi and she of course although raised here shares much of the same beliefs. He can be pesky but I have really grown to enjoy his conversations and view points. He has forced me to look at things in a different manner at times. He is nice to everyone but he has very strong feelings about people lol… he informed me that he holds me in the highest regards… My friend said you realize that is HUGE from him. It really really meant a lot to me to hear that from him. It is odd but he kind of helps keep me grounded with his way of viewing things. Now I sometimes want to run screaming but for the most part it is good ha!
So I decided today I am so tired of the ugly that is our current world right now, I am going to do a picture a day. It may be something beautiful, ugly, sad, inspiring whatever. I just want to see the world in a different way. I want to see beauty even in the sad, the ugly, the not so beautiful side