21 Day Fix, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Mindfulness, rain, Uncategorized

Avoidance, guilt and dread

I have pulled back from my social media and that is not entirely a bad thing. I wish I could get to the point of saying goodbye to Facebook but I have groups that I participate in even if I only lurk in them at times and the people in these groups have supported me in ways they will never know. I have grown to love these people even though I have never and likely will never meet them…. I have also not been very supportive of these people and that bothers me.

I am the queen of avoidance, guilt and dread. There is the sweetest old hippie living on my floor. Every single time I see him he asks about Deklin, he knows how old he is, he wants to see a picture of him. He asks how my children are and he asks if I have had a chance to go hiking and tells me how amazing my weight loss has been. He notices if I have had a crappy day and comments on my smile if I have had a good day. Some may think it creepy but I find it endearing and he is this kind to every person in the building who has taken the time to introduce themselves to him. He is genuinely the sweetest man I have met he ends every conversation with have a great day my friend. And yet….

I have been avoiding him, dreading if I know I am going to run into him. He has had a tough life, he was a victim of a hit and run and it left him fighting for his life. He survived but permanently injured and due to that became homeless and a heroin addict because of the pain. He is clean and has been for years now but he is in constant pain and yet he always and I mean ALWAYS has a smile on his face. There are days I see him and you can just see the pain in his eyes, he looks exhausted and his use of his cane and limp is more pronounced and yet…. there is always that smile and the greeting and the genuine concern for others…

I am not sure if it because I feel guilty that I am letting my perceived issues drag me down or because I am just so exhausted mentally and physically that I can barely muster a smile these days let alone converse with someone and appear interested. I had an acquaintance who I thought was a friend awhile back tell me she was tired of my woe is me attitude. That stung me to the core because part of this journey has been one of honesty and that means the good and the bad.. I have had people comment when I mention a struggle that I should be happy and thankful for the weight loss and life I have gained because of this journey. I think they are well meaning but pretending that I am ok 24/7 would be a lie. I have people following me that have thanked me for my honesty, that it helps them when they hit those bumps. So why do I feel guilty about being honest and sharing the downs as well as the ups.. One of the reasons I was obese and at times suicidal the last 38 years is due to feeling like I could not speak about my shame, pain or frustration.

I have lived most of my life avoiding conflict and dread interacting with people most times. I hate when people hurt and I think it is to a fault and the level of how I let it affect me is unhealthy. Because of this people tend to not tell me things in order to protect me. I understand that but I also need to learn to deal with it in a healthy fashion. I HATE that my loved ones (family and friends) hurt. I wish I could be like others who hand it over to God or whatever entity they believe in but I am not there yet. I cannot let it go and it drives me crazy. I hate when I see a homeless person on the street struggling, my heart hurts and I will spend hours thinking about them and how I wish I could help them.

I have said it before but I never thought that losing weight would bring forth such emotional issues but it has and losing 100 plus pounds was easier than this part of the journey. I am finding myself shrinking back into myself, avoiding people and not doing the things I have grown to love. I have not been walking or exercising like I was, I am finding love/hate in a loaf of bread (thankfully I have not gone back to any other bad eating habits). Last week I went on a hike with my friend, I am selfish and tend to not let anyone go with me as it is my time to think and be alone. I have many amazing friends and family but this friend is so zen… I do not know how to explain it, she is real and genuine and she has an entirely different belief system than I do and I envy the level of peace she finds. She struggles for sure, she has her own demons but her view of life and the level of empathy is like none other I have witnessed. It was so beautiful up there, I miss those hikes. Walking in town is not as pleasurable as it once was… I want the trees and creeks and the solitude. I need to get back to that… I need to go for those hikes again.

I made myself go to the farmers market and grabbed some apples and pears. I had some cranberries and frozen peaches that I had done up earlier this summer. I popped them in my Instapot with cinnamon, georgia peach pie spice and ginger (no sugar). It smells amazing…I went to dump my garbage and saw Daniel. He smiled that big ol smile and I found myself smiling and could not wait to show him my pictures of Deklin. We chatted and I genuinely enjoyed it… That simple act of forcing myself to leave my apartment, go walk a tiny bit at the market made all the difference in the world.

Slow and steady… I will never give up in my endeavor to become whoever it is I am meant to be. It will be amazing at times and it will be painful at times and I will share my joys and I will share my groans and anger. I am human and I will not pretend to be anything other than who I am…. whatever and whoever that may be.

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