Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Berries & Butterflies in my BEEEEEELLLY

Let me start by saying I am THE most impatient person in the world and it almost always comes back to bite me in the butt… I LOVED hiking so much a year ago, then my back and leg issues stopped me in my tracks. Once I was able to start minimal walking again it was the winter months. So I kind of lost my love of hiking, heck I lost my love of pretty much everything for a bit. I put 40 of the 115 pounds I lost that year back on, went from walking/hiking 10-15 miles a day to nada. I was still eating good but not burning 4500 calories a day and did not think about rethinking my daily consumption.

Then my depression hit me SMACK dab in the face. I cannot travel long distances because of my bulging disks and bones spurs because they make me go numb and if not numb the pain is excruciating. So that means I have not gotten to see my grandson in months and I mean MONTHS. That breaks my heart. There are many things breaking my heart these days but I decided given the pain in my body is less than the pain in my heart and head I was going for a walk! Those walks are my drug, I have the best conversations with myself on those walks! I forgot how much I loved them!

I LOVE walking in the woods, I love that I can drive a mile in the middle of my city and find hiking trails and hardly see another soul. I love the gorge and Mt. Tabor but Powell Butte is really solitary and I love that. You may meet the occasional hiker or family or mountain biker but it is really tranquil. I forgot how much I loved it up there. I also used to get butterflies every single night realizing when I got off work I got to go hiking. I have not had butterflies for at least 9 months. Today I had them BIG TIME! I was so excited to leave work and go straight to the butte… then I bought berries which meant I had to go home first, then go back to the butte.

My typical MO is if I go home I am not going back out but man those butterflies would not stop!! So took my berries home, and went back down to the car. In my haste (this is where my impatience came in) I forgot my pony band, and my fitbit (although I think this is a good thing as I am very competitive with myself when I wear it) and realized all I had grabbed were my car key…so no garage door opener, no fob to get back in the building, no problem, I will use the super secret code when I back I can just use the manual button to get out…. except I forgot the code when I got back! Seriously it would have taken me less than 5 minutes to go back up to my apartment. BUT those damn butterflies!!!

I shared so much of my soul with you guys the first year, you will never ever know how much you helped me get through days when I could barely breathe because of my emotional pain. Then I stopped, got caught up in the world and all the anger and whatever else I let infiltrate me. I am the queen of long winded posts and I apologize but man it helps me so much just knowing some of you have the same issues I have and if you do not you do not judge me but just let me ramble on. I promise to try my best to not do long rambling again but I also want to start posting more. I never left but rather stayed in the background reading your successes and not so successes. Silently cheering you and being inspired.

So it is time to pick myself back up, dust myself off, do what I need to do to get back to where I was a year ago mentally. The rest will fall in place. I do not want to live a life of never ending pain anymore, be it emotional or physical and I know with every fiber in my soul that eating healthy, exercising, getting some of this weight off will get me back to that mindset. I do not want to lose the weight for appearances but I do not want to be remotely close to being diabetic again and reality is I beat my body to pieces and the extra weight adds to the pain.

So there you have it. I am working my way back.

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