Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Uncategorized

I Bid You Adieu 2017

I am not going to lie I will be glad to say goodbye to 2017. It has been a hard bittersweet year but one that has me looking forward to a better 2018.

I met Jill 3 years ago online, we had both started a journey to get healthy. Of all the wonderful supporters I have had Jill was my number one cheerleader. She was a very solitary person who did not put her life out there like I did but she supported me in private and in the Beach Body page we both spent time in. While I openly shared my journey, my ups and my downs she did hers on the sly. She broke her leg when she was 12 and ended up spending the rest of her life in a boot and later in a scooter as well.

She spent 18 months losing 150 pounds eating healthy. She went to the gym nearly every single day once she could. She went from not being able to fly due to her weight and not being able to venture much because of her scooter, to going places with her scooter and ultimately without that scooter. She flew for the first time in 25 years to go to a Beach Body coach meetup. She lived and breathed that it was her joy. She para-sailed, she flew to Hawaii, she road the train all over the USA. She hiked up to the top of a lighthouse. She packed more into 2017 than most anyone I know. And then….she was told she had pancreatic cancer and 6-8 months to live… she passed Christmas Day less than a month after finding out.

I am going to honor my beautiful amazing brave friend by getting my heart back into my journey. I have gained 70 of the 120 I lost back and I will take it back off. She wanted so badly to come to Oregon and have me take her to some of the places I hiked. We never got to do it but Jill…. I promise you, I am gong to take a picture of you and we are going to hike those places and have those pictures you so wanted. I love you, I owe you and I will miss you forever my sweet sweet friend. I do not think Jill knew just how many THOUSANDS of people she inspired. She was a true badass super hero!

As I said above I have gained 70 of the 120 pounds I lost. According to my doctor I basically beat my back and hips to death. I have spent the last year off and on taking steroids, having steroid injections and nothing has worked. The pain, the lack of being able to hike and heck barely walk has set me back immensely. Emotionally it set me back, I did not realize how much hiking helped me. I have a hard time shutting down my mind. It goes non stop. On top of the issues the obsessive hiking caused (10-15 miles a day) I have arthritis in my spine, COPD and Asthma and that also makes it difficult. BUT I can walk and breath and I am grateful for that.

Reality is I likely will be in pain for the rest of my days and I will need to find a way to work around that. I am not willing to give up hiking it just means too much to me but I will find a way to do it in a not so obsessive manner.

Other issues that have set me back are ones I just cannot say anything publicly about.. it serves no purpose and will likely just hurt or anger people but the issue cuts so deep it is never ending pain. It is however one, that as hard as it is to do, move on from it which gives me another sense of guilt. If you have not figured it out yet I am a guilt riddled soul!

In spite of it all I am lucky, I have a beautiful daughter and son and an amazing mom as well as sister and nephews. I have the best friends and coworkers a person could ask for. I love where I live, I have an amazing view that soothes my soul. I have 2018 to look forward to. Yes the same heartache will follow me into it but it is full of new amazing possibilities and I am looking forward to exploring them. I will get back to my beloved hiking, I may never get to do the level of what I was but there are many beautiful less strenuous areas where I live.

Here’s to a 2018 filled with endless possibilities. The picture below was my very first climb up a steep incline. It took me 3 attempts that weekend to get to the top of Mt. Talbert and I broke down in tears. I was determined and I did it. I will always cherish this moment and this shot. I will do so again!

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Time to Refocus

Many of you know my back story and how I got to be 300 pound Theresa. Many of you know that on July 2015 I made a promise to myself. I promised I would commit 100% for 21 days while doing the 21 day fix. I did those 21 days and recommitted myself to another then another then another. I set a goal of losing 140 pounds.
I hit 100 lost and met with a dietitian who asked me why I thought I needed to lose another 40. I could not get beyond the number. She asked me to look in the mirror and what I saw was 300 pound Theresa even though I was 180. She told me to look again really look… Even though I was 180 pounds and a size 10 I still saw size 28, 300 pound Theresa. I started my journey at 280 which was not even my heaviest. I said I was afraid my body at 5’3″ could not handle still being 180 I was in pain. She told me to take a rest and work on my mind…that my body could handle it. That if after a month or so I still felt I needed to lose I could. Reality is every person I told I still needed to lose another 40 stated I would be unhealthy and that is true. I looked and felt healthy at 180.
I was hiking 10 to 15 miles a day, I was obsessed with it. I had gone from not being able to move to hiking that amount in about 4 months time. I pushed my body so hard that I hit a wall. My pain was so bad but I was so afraid to slow down so kept pushing and then that wall stopped me. I started physical therapy and was told no more hikes for a while. My depression hit back. At one point I had gotten to 170 but slowly the pounds started going back on. And today I sit at 202.
Reality is I was not burning 4500 calories a day anymore, I was not eating bad but I was not burning those calories. Then financially I also hit a wall and made the decision I could not afford Shakeology any more. In my mind I really thought I was going to be ok, that I could maintain. Emotionally I have also hit a wall. I feel like everywhere I turn is a damn wall. I am not the happy person I was 6 months ago, my clothes do not fit, my body hurts so bad, emotionally I am a mess. All my stress is not about my weight etc. There is so much to it but not something I can share.
Final straw for me was more like a bale of straw. My underwire is poking me in my arms and my boobs are spilling over my bra, my pants are tight (I had to put away my 10’s and dig out my 14/16 I had saved to give away). My underwear are too tight (do not be jelly of my paisley panties I NEVER thought I would share that picture!). I am a bit more winded walking with my friend in the mall. My results from the xrays were not want I expected and although they are not good I finally have an answer for some of the pain. But the biggest issue is I am not happy… I am not sleeping, I am angry, I am not a nice person. I am slipping back to that damaged angry depressed Theresa I was a year and a half ago. I do not want to be that person.
I am so determined to not give up. I have a beautiful little grandson I need to be alive for, I have an amazing son and daughter. I have wonderful family and friends. I have EVERYTHING to live for. I am not going to give up. I am going to get refocused. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is not me beating myself up, this is me being honest, taking responsibility for my actions. One day the numbers will not matter, I am trying to focus less on that and more on just being as healthy as I can be. This is me taking back my life once again, this is me not giving up. This me making ME a priority.
I have sat here tonight crying, staring at the computer debating if once again I should post something. I worry people are just going to say enough. I know I say that all the time but I really do worry. BUT this is what kept me honest, this is what helped me though some of the toughest, scariest times. So I bit the bullet and signed up for the yearly pass with shakeo. I know one day I will not need to use it or at least not daily but until then I will go back to using it and focusing on eating as clean as I was. No more excuses, taking the added weight off, dedicating myself to eating as clean as I was again are going to be what helps with the pain.
I will get back to where I can walk, I will get back to happy Theresa.. I need to learn to be ok with walking a mile or two maybe one day I will get back to that monster hiker I was but slow and steady will win this race. I will learn to be ok with monster hikes being occasional and not daily. I made a collage of varying times in this journey and I realize that even in my snappy coral pants which my lowest I was not my happiest. The picture of me in the blue jacket, the trip I took with my daughter to the coast shows my joy. It was carefree, I did not obsess over the top on food, I did not even get the amount of walking in I had hoped for. But I SLOWED down, I just looked at things, I took it all in, I was truly happy that week. I will be ok… I am tougher than I think. Goodnight sweet friends. 170109.jpg
Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized


I participated in a 3 week challenge with my amazing coaches and I am seriously happy! I was ok with just the feeling better aspect of this challenge but my results are awesome! I still have people question if this sort of thing works or not and that it is too hard. I have stated in the past that I had initially lost 115 pounds and then life happened and I put 20 pounds back on.

I am still unable to hike 10-15 miles a day like I was and I have to modify the modify once I can actually start working out again. So with the rare exception that I got to go hiking these results for the last 3 weeks have been changing my eating habits solely. I still eat super clean just not as diligent as I was, I started sneaking around with bread… we broke up 3 weeks ago…

I am dialing my eating back in, I had been under eating and under drinking my water and anytime I do that I end up gaining. These challenges are such good reminders of why this way of eating is the only way to go.

I started at 195.8 and am 189.3 today for a loss of 6 pounds. I started at 231 inches and today am 222.5 inches for a loss of 8.5 inches. But more importantly I am not bloated, my mood is better, I am not in as much pain. This way of life is about so much more than loss on the scale or tape (but hey it doesn’t hurt if it happens)!


21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Uncategorized


Change has never been my thing…it scares me I mean REALLY scares me. Stepping outside my comfort zone is terrifying. I remember when I decided to move to Gresham how utterly lost and frightened I felt. My son was 18 but still in high school, he had 6 months to graduation and I had initially decided to stay until he graduated but things happen and I needed to leave. Having to make the choice to leave him behind was heart breaking and I to this day wonder if I had stayed if things would have turned out differently for him. I also had to leave my 14 year old daughter behind for a month while things got settled up here.

I remember the tears saying goodbye to my children, having to say goodbye to my dog and my friends. I had lived in Burns my entire life. I cried telling my mom goodbye, I stopped by Sentry Market to say goodbye to my dad..he was having his morning coffee and donut and we both cried. My entire adult life was packed into my car… I left so much behind emotionally and physically. I sobbed the entire drive to Gresham. I was never so alone or frightened in my life and although I think the decision to leave hurt some I needed to do it. That is the first time I truly stepped outside my comfort zone and made a change.

The move ultimately has been the best thing for me but the twists and turns it has taken have forever altered my life, some have been heart breaking and some wonderful. Although I left behind friends I have known my entire life I have made some of the most amazing friends since moving up here. I love it here.

Since July 2015 my life line and comfort zone has been 21 Day Fix. It saved my life and a few days ago I made a really difficult decision to walk away from it. A large part is due to finances, part because I am so lost and need to focus on finding me. I cannot lie I am terrified… although I will the eating plan I am losing a good chunk of life line and that worries me. As I said I love living here but the down side is it is expensive, it is 6 hours from my children and my grandchild. I do not get to see them like I would want to. But this is where I belong I can never move back to Burns nor do I want to. For me and so many others I know it is toxic.

I am scared…I am tired, I am sad, I am happy, I am so many many things but the biggest thing I am is blessed. Since my post “My Story” my friends have reached out and they touch me in so many ways. I am going to be ok I know that I am going to make that happen. It will be a process and likely this process of healing and finding me and my happy will be a lifetime journey. I find this blog so helpful and yet I do not use it as much as I would like. I will also be cancelling my internet…that will make blogging difficult at best. Perhaps that is for the best, perhaps it will be detrimental..time will tell.

So here is to my continued journey.


21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean Eating Recipes, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Thank You Universe for Stepping In….

I love Facebook memories and I love when the universe intervenes when I need it most…although most times I choose to ignore said intervention I really needed this. I have really been struggling since not being able to walk or exercise like I want to. I have gained some weight back, I am tired, in pain, depressed (partly due to my vitamin D deficiency) and just not eating the amount of food I should be. Although I am still eating as clean as I always do I am on days under eating and some days over eating and that my friends does not work. No matter how clean or healthy you eat, if you over or under eat you will see the results and they are not the ones you want.
I am finding I am slowly slipping back to that emotional state I was in when I first started this journey. I used to obsess about food it was in my every waking thought, what am I going to eat tomorrow what will I eat later today… and the last couple of weeks I have gotten back into that way of thinking. All night last night all I could think of was I want pancakes…I am not even a real fan of them for crying out loud. I am also that personality type that is not content with a faux version of pancake, or pasta or whatever it is my mind thinks it HAS to have, it is all or nothing for me. So this morning I woke up and instead of pancakes made a healthy mini 2 egg souffle with peppers, onions and a little feta. It was so much better than pancakes.
I am in a spot in my life where the stress is all consuming and when that happens with me I cannot shut my brain down. I struggle with it on a good day but the last month or so has been a nightmare of thoughts that just will not stop flooding my head. I struggle to sleep, I am distracted, It drives me insane! I am a worrier I worry about my children, I worry about my grandson, I worry about my finances, how will I pay the ridiculous rent in this city, I worry about my job, I worry if my hip and legs will ever get better, I worry that I am going to gain all my weight back, I worry that I worry too much, I worry and I do a kickass job of it! I know that it is pointless to worry but it is easier said than done to stop. I have spent a lifetime worrying and being the peace keeper of my world.
So this morning seeing this memory was so perfect. I needed a reminder of where I was, where I am now and proof that it works and is sustainable. I am determined to reel it back in. I am going to spend the day prepping the way I used to. I will be putting bags together for work for each day. This is my way of assuring I eat enough but do not eat over. It is rare I over eat and honestly the days I under eat are the times I feel the worst and see a gain in the scale. i have a terrible habit of sabotaging myself, I struggle still with self worth and there is still a part of me that sneaks in now and again and thinks I do not deserve this. But I am never going to let that part win EVER. So thank you universe for the reminder!

I have been really wanting spaghetti for some reason… normally I am not a pasta or tomato sauce person BUT I was tired of thinking about it so…. I made a relatively clean version of it. I found some fresh herb pasta although high in carbs (59 g) it is high in protein as well for a pasta (17 g).

I chopped fresh heirloom tomatoes (peeled skin off), garlic and basil and let sit. In pan heated up olive oil, garlic, green peppers, sugar snap peas and purple onions and sauteed. Added chopped zucchini, more garlic and tomato mix and let simmer for 5 minutes added a little pepper, oregano and salt. Cooked pasta topped with sauce and a little feta and viola’!


NOW for the memory from a year ago part….
If I had any doubt this new lifestyle works (and I don’t) today was proof positive it does. I reversed my type 2 diabetes a year ago but 2 weeks into this new lifestyle I had my A1C checked and found out I had bad numbers again. I asked my doctor if it was all the fruit I had started eating and she said no, that two weeks was not long enough to show a difference yet. I forgot to add this when I first posted. Those numbers would have been much higher if I had taken them prior to starting this. My eating was out of control. I think it is important to add those changes happened in 8 week time. That is how utterly life saving this program and lifestyle is.
Last week they called and said I had to go back on Metformin, I asked if we could re-run the tests and see if all this work made a difference. While I have not gotten my A1C results the rest of them were unreal. In 2008 my fasting triglycerides were 409 (should be under 199). A year ago they were 233, today 182. A year ago my LDL was 149 today 59! A year ago my total cholesterol was 242 today 136!
I may be able to go off my statin drugs now! I was talking to a friend at work and she said I need you to see something. When you called on my work cell your picture popped up and I was shocked. She showed me that picture that was taken a year ago.. when i started this I was 30 pounds heavier than that picture. I was astounded….. I have attached the picture from a year ago and one I took today after my walk this morning. It is 5:30 and I have already met my goal on my fitbit! The other picture is me not using a rubber band to button my pants for the first time in 20 years! I had to move my bra in a notch!
I wore a pair of pants I have not had on in probably 6 years and was told at work that I should never wear them again (by friends who said they were at risk for falling off lol). I wil never give up, I am so worth this journey. Thanks for the support, thank you to each of you my friends who have put up with my non-stop posts. Thank you for the kind words and support. You help keep me going.
21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, Habit, Journey to happiness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Time for a “Come to Jesus Talk”

I have been getting annoyed with the fact that I seem to be grinding gears in my car….Then while having lunch with my friend I had an epiphany and it hit my why! I have never moved my seat since losing weight. I literally had a hard time steering because my stomach was pushing on it (my legs were to short to push back any further). I now have to sit forward in booths instead of choosing tables so I could move the chair back and today I moved my car seat up! NSV I really needed this as I am struggling.
I kind of feel like the Epiphanater as I am having them all over the place these days. I stepped on the scale and boom up 10 pounds 10 POUNDS! Other than my eating more greek yogurt and fruit than I probably should I am eating clean as I always have BUT I am no longer burning 3500 calories a day. I am used to walking 10-12 miles at a time after work but since being on restriction I am not burning the same amount of calories… I am also having to modify the hell out of everything so just not as active as I had been. Therefore my body is not processing like it was.
I am also being a ginormous baby about the whole dealio. SO I sat myself down today and had a “come to Jesus talk” with myself. I am only allowed to walk 10-15 minutes slowly 2 or 3 times a day and I have just allowed myself to be a baby and not do it other than at work. In my childs mind I am telling myself if I cannot walk or hike a lot then I am not going to do it (insert foot stomp). I am slipping back into the old Theresa, the Theresa who is feeling sorry for herself and it infuriates me! I am mad like super duper mad, mad that my muscle tone is waning, mad that I cannot do the half marathon next month that I have been wanting to do for a year, mad that I am mad, mad that I am a big baby, mad that I am slowly loosing what I worked so hard to gain as far as hiking and strength, mad that today I noticed my boobage was runnething over my cup….. I am mad and that is DRIVING ME MAD!
So today I went for my small painfully slow walk 😉 It is hard for me to walk slow. I also have directive to not overdo housework. Normally that would elate me but now I am just irritated because I am not liking being told I cannot be active. I also have not been drinking water like I used to so upped that. I will also start using my containers again… I got to where I was eyeballing it and that worked ok when I was super active but clearly I need to get back in the groove. My body has been rebelling since this all started… my joints ache, my muscles are sore… I am kind of feeling like I was before I lost the weight.
I know this will pass and I know that unless I pull my head out I am going to derail myself. I lost weight without exercising the first 2 months so I know being sidelined is not an excuse. I am dog sitting next week and Kira will need to go for walks. I likely will do more than my 15 minutes as she needs at least a couple of miles a night but I will do it slowly. I am also breaking up with bread again….we just cannot reside in the same home…and Bliss nut butters…. we also need to part ways…and fruit with yogurt and maple syrup… sigh… my addictive personality is not my friend this time! PhotoGrid_1472317661585
21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Clean Eating Recipes, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Soup, Uncategorized, What If's


Life is all about choices and we are free to choose whatever we want however with choices sometimes come consequences. Life is also about learning to deal with the hands we are dealt…sometimes they are amazing and sometimes they are heartbreaking hands.

I have done a lot of thinking this past year or so since starting this journey. I have made some good choices and some not so good choices in my life. I have paid for some of those choices dearly and I have been blessed beyond measure for some of them. What I do not regret is any of them.

I made the choice to not tell anyone about my rape and that decision altered my life. Do I regret that choice? That is so hard to answer… had I told someone perhaps I would have gotten help and not went down the drugs/alcohol/drop out school path I took. And although that would have saved my family much heartache I never would have been made a ward of the court, met the man I met and had the amazing children I had. I spent years punishing myself for that rape and the choices made after it. In fact it was not until a little over a year ago that I began to truly forgive myself for those bad choices. Let me make it clear I did NOT ask to be assaulted and did NOT deserve it. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out if you would have done it differently. So why do that, you cannot change the past but can going forward make better choices. I made the choice to have a healthy life. And that is hands down one of the best decisions I have made.

I choose to go from obese, lazy, in constant pain & depression that was overwhelming at times to the happier, healthier, less depressed & less in pain more active person I am today.


I have gone from hiding under baggy clothes, never letting my picture get taken, worrying about what others think of me person to the over sharing, acting goofy, belly laughing dork I am today!


When I decided a year ago to take back my life and health I had no idea the twist and turns it would take. I never in a million years thought I would love to walk much less love to hike up hills and climb over things. Never thought I would show my body in a swimsuit much less go swimming in the mountains in my bra and undies! Who knew I would end up really liking exercising even the ones that make me feel every muscle the next morning! I never figured I would approach people I did not know. I was not a smiling happy person. Today I love engaging people in conversation, I love smiling at others and seeing their smiles back. Today I popped by the store on my way home from the farmers market. The checker was a young boy and he asked me how my day was going….before I knew it I blurted out that is was OUTSTANDING and I was feeling BLISSFUL (where did this come from!!!!)! He broke into the biggest smile and told me he loved that answer! We chatted a bit and I told him the me a year ago would never have said that. He asked what was different today from a year ago so I gave him the short version. What an absolutely wonderful experience I had talking to him. Less than 5 minutes chatting with him and I was still smiling ear to ear when I got to my car! I have noticed in my recent pictures my mouth is always open and I thought to myself why do you always do that…then I realized looking back at older pictures it is because I am genuinely happy! That is a real genuine smile going on right there!

So back to choices and I think where this blog post started but I am like a dog with a squirrel sometimes! I made the choice to invest in me. I decided that given it was expensive to do Shakeology I better fully invest in my 21 days. I have always felt like I cannot eat that more healthy option it is so spendy. That is utter BS! I eat smaller portions so the food goes much farther, I eliminated 10 medications 10!!!  I no longer spend the amount I used to on crappy food or expensive coffee… yes I still do the coffee occasionally but not like I used to but I am no longer spending money eating out all the time. Eating healthy is not too expensive. Let’s be real, eating at McDonald’s is not cheap at least not anymore and add the health issues it creates you are costing more. I choose to eat organic and as healthy as I can but you can also buy regular produce etc. Not buying boxed processed food is totally affordable. I make huge batches of soups and chili using fresh produce and for less than $15 I can get 4 gallons or more of healthy soup to freeze. The one area I will not scrimp on is my steel cut oats or faro I have kind of become a snob! I only use Anson Mills, he is organic, no pesticide, totally heirloom products. The taste is beyond amazing. And did I say I have eliminated 10 medications by living this new lifestyle that is a huge savings!

Today I spent $20 at the farmers market and got a ton of great stuff that will last me the week or longer. These pictures below are my normal way of eating. I love this new way of life. I made a choice to make me a priority and I am blessed that my friends and family fully support me in this lifestyle. I never feel I am putting them out by this way of eating. They love me enough they want me to be successful and they in turn have made changes in their lives.

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

LOVE Dog Sitting Weekends!

Dog sitting this handsome dude again. He is so sweet! Made an awesome salad and took pictures of Robin’s gorgeous flowers. Also i may or may not be short or that sunflower is GINORMOUS (it is ginormous plus i am short). It is still hot as hell so no walk but did bring my weights and did strength training. I may have been enjoying the sun a bit much outside don’t judge me!


2 of the friends i dog sit for live close to Willamette National Cemetery. Anytime i sit for them i go to the cemetery to pay my love and respect to my friends loved ones buried there. It is beautiful, tranquil, somber and sad at the same time. Today i parked at the office and decided to walk to their sites. I took all the roads and thanked the brave men and women for their sacrifices. Because of them i have the freedom and safety to walk about. I always worry if it disrespectful to walk there… i hope not.

I got back to Buddy’s Pad and we sat outside for a bit. I have never enjoyed or understood the joy of sitting in the sun. I get it now… I had a bowl of Greek yogurt, frozen berries and nuts and just enjoyed the sun. Now Buddy and I are being lazy and I am enjoying my guilty pleasure of watching Cops…eventually I will do some strength training….eventually!


I finally did my upper and lower weight exercises… of course it is minimal weights but hey I am doing it. I did some more yoga and tried meditation/breathing… good lord it is hard to breath properly I mean SERIOUSLY hard to breath in the proper way…….. I may have to hire a breathing trainer! I stumbled across 2 more pictures I have not seen since starting this.. I still get so shocked how little my eyes showed!

PhotoGrid_1469678795304 (1)

Yummy breakfast and lunch for the week prepping, salad for dinner. I also have frozen soup, my salads are just not enough these days now that I am not doing meat at all.

Blueberries, chopped cabbage, chopped peppers, boiled eggs, toasted soy nuts, tomatoes, chopped zucchini, smoked garlic, green olives with garlic. Sunflower seeds, pepitas, cranberries and black beans will go as well.


I get asked all the time what keeps me going…I cannot share pictures of my sweet grandsons face on social media but I can share his precious little hand. HE is what keeps me going, Deklin, his mommy Megan and daddy Levi (my son), my amazing daughter Kayla and my mom and sister and her family. I want to play with Deklin, I want to see him grow up and I want to run and play hide and seek with him. That little boy, that precious chubby lil hand is what helps me keep at this. dhand



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My visit with the nutritionist

So one of the things I really struggle with is the feeling of guilt if I eat something not super clean and healthy. I know it is not rational I KNOW THAT but it is how my mind works right now. Thankfully my nutritionist helped me understand that does not make me abnormal! I feel sooooo bad if I eat bread or anything not 99% clean. I know that is something I have to work on and I am going to see a counselor there is just too much emotionally going on that has been unleashed. I will not feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. All too often people are shamed about depression or being on anti depressants or seeking counseling. BUT I did not spend the last year fighting to get healthy and not get healthy emotionally as well.

Tonight I went with my friend and had a tiny little pizza. It was so good, thin thin crust with no sauce little bit of feta, artichoke hearts, tomatoes and some green olives. Not bad at all for a pizza…. I also ate some potato wedges and I am not going to lie it has me feeling so guilty and bad. Instantly I wanted to go walk for miles but I did not allow myself. Instead I came in did some yoga and breathing, did some weights for my arms and still hit my 10,000 steps. That is the dangerous side of this weight loss thing… when you lose sight of the big picture and only obsess about every little pound or allow yourself to feel shamed for eating something not what you deem as healthy.

I cannot allow my addictive behavior to override what is healthy or sensible. I will not allow myself to be that person who ends up going from obese to become unhealthy skinny. And I will admit it is a fear I have. It seriously is taking all I can do to not flee outside. Instead I am going to take a bath, read part of my book and go to bed. I really think this is going to be the hardest part of this journey. It has to be about the whole body not just the scale.

I had an amazing visit with my friends, they have been so supportive of me. He is a marathon runner who teaches swimming, she is just this amazing centered person and they constantly remind me I am enough I AM ENOUGH. They remind me to not beat myself up that it is ok to eat a piece of pizza or a tater wedge. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by the people I am. Family, friends, coworker, people on here I have never met…. I. AM. BLESSED. and I need to embrace that, allow my body and mind and soul to heal a bit from this last year. BUT DANG IT IS HARD!!!!


21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Silver Falls State Park 2016

What an amazing hike I cannot believe I have lived here 17 years and never gone to Silver Falls. Aside from a nasty tumble and stubbing my toe so hard I may or many not have sworn it was amazing! Not many people because I got there early. It was worth the time it took to drive there! I saw at least 7 different falls and walked behind 4 of them and to the top of one of them. Such a great day and because I have to slow it down a little because of my hips and back I really got to enjoy all it offered. Almost 10 miles not bad! To get to the top I had to zigzag up the side of the mountain but those 30 flights took me to the top of one of the falls! Next time I will do the Trail of 10 Falls hike it does the rim and outer perimeter.
One of the people I dog sit for bought me a book of 60 hikes within 60 miles of down! Pictures do not do this justice! And once again I am so thankful I had my shakeo on the way there!