Birthday, Change, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, obsession, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized, What If's

Me

I really needed to clear my mind. I woke up super early from pain so sat outside and watched the sunrise. I decided even though I cannot go for an actual hike or long walk (damn pinched nerve) I could go to one of my favorite places and walk to the bench. I love how this tiny little walk gives so much beauty. I took a PB&J and sat and just enjoyed. As I was going back to my car I spied a deer looking at me❤️

I am learning to listen to my body to not get caught up in what I used to do. A tiny gentle walk is beneficial in clearing my mind, loosening up my muscles that hurt so bad I can barely move. While it makes other areas hurt a bit more it is needed.

My body is at this crossroad, an odd difficult balancing act that is constantly changing. What helps one area hurts another. What is the norm to try to heal one area is actually NOT good for another. It is not as simple as just stretching or walking or exercises.

I love my doctors as they have not given up on me, they listen, suggest, scratch their heads in confusion and look up ways to help me. They let me cry in frustration and pain. They do not minimize or make my issue seem minimal.

I learned a lot from the first 11 months and although I lost 120 pounds and cured my diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and a host of other issues, I also lost sight of why I was doing it. It was never about massive weight loss but rather about taking back my life. Losing weight was part of it but mostly I just wanted to eliminate the amount of meds and to lose the emotional baggage that I have carried for 35 plus years.

I quickly lost sight of that and became obsessed with losing the weight, how many miles a day I could hike and how fast I could do it in and the next day repeating it and trying to beat what I did the day before. I was talking to my friend about it and she said she and others worried about my obsession. It was unhealthy. I can remember getting to my car and being in so much pain I could barely get in it and then once I would get home I would eat and go for another one. I weighed myself several times a day. Addictive personalities can be so hard to keep in check and mine was out of control. Those walks also helped clear my mind but so does a smaller one. I was not seeing things around me only my fitbit and how many miles and how fast. I have learned to slow down and man there is so much beauty to be seen if you just slow down.

So here I am 80 pounds heavier, more pain than I have ever been in, depressed for so many reasons, many I cannot talk about, frustrated beyond measure and yet… I have so much hope. Tuesday is my 53rd birthday and I am nowhere near where I had envisioned I would be 3 years ago when I started this. This year for my birthday I am gifting myself permission to listen to ME, to use the wisdom I have gained over the last 3 years. To not feel bad about doing it my way. I know what works for me and what will not. Permission to cry, scream, be lazy, be busy, jump for joy…ok that hurts my back but whatevs!!!
I cannot travel much as driving and sitting are brutal pain wise so I have filled my summer with so many dog sitting and house sitting jobs it is crazy. It fills me with joy and fills in some of the emptiness of not having some people in my life. For the first time I went on a trip by myself. It was blissful and amazing and empowering. It was a short drive and the days were spent wandering the beach and trails.
I don’t want to be known as Theresa the rape victim, yes it is a part of me but I have let it be all of me. I feel like I am disrespecting survivors by letting go and I know that does not make sense but it is one of the most difficult things to not feel guilty about letting go of, it feels like pretending it did not happen. I do not want to be Theresa who complains endlessly of her back pain but reality is that is me… maybe I can help someone else or they can help me. I want to be Theresa the lady who moved on, who although she is not pretending those things did not happen, she let it go and finds happy again. I want to be Theresa who does not feel guilty about every little thing she says or does.
Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Baby got Back…or will get Back!

I have had a lot of facebook memories popping up the last few months. Most involve having met my weight loss goal and the back issues I have had the last year or so. I got derailed, stopped blogging and lost sight of things. In my effort to get fit and lose weight I messed up my back and hip. I was walking 10-15 miles every single day for the better part of a year. I pushed myself, lost sight of the joy I had gotten from being out doors and was more obsessed with how fast and how far I could go. Having an addictive personality is a double edged sword.

Thus started my gaining 80 of the 120 I had lost. Losing the joy I had gained by being outdoors. Depression setting back in. Mostly non stop steroid for more than a year. I was lucky enough to find an amazing doctor who tried every single thing he could think of before sending me to another wonderful doctor. After more than a year of steroids and spinal shots they decided to do RFA. Basically they pinpoint which nerves are being pissy and they cauterize them. The hope is they will stop shooting pain signals to my brain. It is likely IF it is successful that I will need it done a time or two more to stop them regenerating. Success if usually 60% relief which 200% better than what I am having.

This is whole new path for me. The pain is vastly different in the last week. My butt cheek on the good side goes numb when I stand or walk. The good sides lower leg hurts and feels on fire. They did both sides but I still am a bit shocked at how the good side is the problem child right now. I have done a ton of research and the back feeling sunburned is normal and lasts a couple of weeks. I assume the butt and leg issue on the good side is just the pissing off of nerves that were only slightly mad. It is a rather interesting procedure but invasive so causes a lot of angry nerves! On the plus side the bad side is still somewhat numbed from the steroids etc so I am not feeling it on both sides….yet! It is a new journey, I have to strengthen my core… a core I do not have due to multiple surgeries. It weakens your back so it is essential to get a core and strengthen my back muscles or this has been for not.

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Going forward is going to be about taking it slow and easy but consistently working on it. I am focusing on my eating again, doing small walks and exercises the therapist has given me. Today I decided to drive to get some organic veggies. I love wandering through looking at the different types of veggies and fruits they offer. They had these amazing beautiful flowers. I am forcing myself to enjoy the everyday beauty. Until I can get back to my hiking and the views it gives I have to find new kinds of pretty.

Yesterday on the way home from work I drove up to one of my favorite spots in the city. Mt. Tabor was so important to me when I was first walking and losing. It is this gorgeous oasis in the middle of our city. Yesterday I walked around the reservoir. Such a tiny little walk but was gorgeous and so quiet and felt oh so good! There was a British gent there who was reading, having tea and just chilling with his pup.

So here I am on a new venture with the same outcome hopes but a very different path. I started my journey on 7-20-2015. On 2-09-2018 I took a different fork in the path. Along with 2 friends we have decided to weigh every Friday at work, I will also measure and take a picture every other week. Being honest and sharing was so helpful to me last time I am going to do it again. So stats for the last 3 week are as follows…drum roll please….

2-09-18

  • Weight 265
  • Neck 15 1/2
  • Arm  L 15 1/2  R 15 1/2
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 50
  • Hip 51 1/2
  • Thigh L 23  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

2-16-18

  • Weight 259

2-23-18

  • Weight 257.5
  • Neck 15
  • Arm  L 15  R 15
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 48 3/4
  • Hip 51
  • Thigh L 22 1/2  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

I took a lot of pictures through the first year I lost all the weight. It is so telling way more than the scale. These are 2 weeks apart and you can see how cutting the carbs and eating more, drinking more water makes a difference in the bloat.

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Here are some pictures from the first year. I like to keep it handy, it reminds me where I was, where I got and how I can get back there again. It was never really about the loss of pounds on the scale although I did become obsessed with it. It is about feeling good in my skin, being as healthy as I can be and being able to be active. 170109

3-2-2018

  • Weight 253

So here I am back at square one but I have high hopes… hopes my back issues will get better, hopes my depression will ease, hopes I can hike again, hopes that even though I will stumble I will remember to always get back up

 

Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Uncategorized

I Bid You Adieu 2017

I am not going to lie I will be glad to say goodbye to 2017. It has been a hard bittersweet year but one that has me looking forward to a better 2018.

I met Jill 3 years ago online, we had both started a journey to get healthy. Of all the wonderful supporters I have had Jill was my number one cheerleader. She was a very solitary person who did not put her life out there like I did but she supported me in private and in the Beach Body page we both spent time in. While I openly shared my journey, my ups and my downs she did hers on the sly. She broke her leg when she was 12 and ended up spending the rest of her life in a boot and later in a scooter as well.

She spent 18 months losing 150 pounds eating healthy. She went to the gym nearly every single day once she could. She went from not being able to fly due to her weight and not being able to venture much because of her scooter, to going places with her scooter and ultimately without that scooter. She flew for the first time in 25 years to go to a Beach Body coach meetup. She lived and breathed that it was her joy. She para-sailed, she flew to Hawaii, she road the train all over the USA. She hiked up to the top of a lighthouse. She packed more into 2017 than most anyone I know. And then….she was told she had pancreatic cancer and 6-8 months to live… she passed Christmas Day less than a month after finding out.

I am going to honor my beautiful amazing brave friend by getting my heart back into my journey. I have gained 70 of the 120 I lost back and I will take it back off. She wanted so badly to come to Oregon and have me take her to some of the places I hiked. We never got to do it but Jill…. I promise you, I am gong to take a picture of you and we are going to hike those places and have those pictures you so wanted. I love you, I owe you and I will miss you forever my sweet sweet friend. I do not think Jill knew just how many THOUSANDS of people she inspired. She was a true badass super hero!

As I said above I have gained 70 of the 120 pounds I lost. According to my doctor I basically beat my back and hips to death. I have spent the last year off and on taking steroids, having steroid injections and nothing has worked. The pain, the lack of being able to hike and heck barely walk has set me back immensely. Emotionally it set me back, I did not realize how much hiking helped me. I have a hard time shutting down my mind. It goes non stop. On top of the issues the obsessive hiking caused (10-15 miles a day) I have arthritis in my spine, COPD and Asthma and that also makes it difficult. BUT I can walk and breath and I am grateful for that.

Reality is I likely will be in pain for the rest of my days and I will need to find a way to work around that. I am not willing to give up hiking it just means too much to me but I will find a way to do it in a not so obsessive manner.

Other issues that have set me back are ones I just cannot say anything publicly about.. it serves no purpose and will likely just hurt or anger people but the issue cuts so deep it is never ending pain. It is however one, that as hard as it is to do, move on from it which gives me another sense of guilt. If you have not figured it out yet I am a guilt riddled soul!

In spite of it all I am lucky, I have a beautiful daughter and son and an amazing mom as well as sister and nephews. I have the best friends and coworkers a person could ask for. I love where I live, I have an amazing view that soothes my soul. I have 2018 to look forward to. Yes the same heartache will follow me into it but it is full of new amazing possibilities and I am looking forward to exploring them. I will get back to my beloved hiking, I may never get to do the level of what I was but there are many beautiful less strenuous areas where I live.

Here’s to a 2018 filled with endless possibilities. The picture below was my very first climb up a steep incline. It took me 3 attempts that weekend to get to the top of Mt. Talbert and I broke down in tears. I was determined and I did it. I will always cherish this moment and this shot. I will do so again!

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Sometimes You Have to Veer From the Path

I made a decision today… well I made the decision to not give up long ago but today I decided to start blogging again. I have had lots of people who used to follow me ask me when I was going to share again and that they are looking forward to hearing what I find works for my back. So many people suffer pain.

My decision is to take a different path on this journey. I am going to back track my back hip issues, explain how I got here and what I have done so far. I think it will help me as well. Reality is this pain likely will never subside but I will do what I can to make it manageable. Twice this week I had to stay home from work and that just is not ok in my book. Thankfully I do have the option to work from home 2 days a week and that will help with icing etc.

A bit ago I decided to work my way to the bathroom and shower… amazing how not only a steamy hot shower helps the muscles a bit but just mentally is kind of a clean start. I am taking part in a spine clinic and one of the gals said when her pain gets overwhelming and she is home she changes her socks, brushes her teeth and spritzes her face. A silly sounding thing but it just helps start anew.

I took two pictures that sum up how I feel today…I have spent the last week off and on in tears from the pain and frustration. I am bloated, I cannot hike, I am gaining, have to go back on steroids again and on and on BUT I can walk, my pain is constant but not this bad always… this is a flair and it will pass and I am lucky… some in my group never have it pass. I will take another picture in a week and have it be authentic… it will be interesting to see the changes.

I am a solitary creature and that can sometimes be problematic. I am stubborn and often just want to be left to my own devices 😊😊 I am looking forward to this new journey. I am not going to focus and try to not obsess about the weight. But it is hard… to have lost and gained so much freedom and now to have stepped so far back is heart breaking to me. Most will not understand and that is ok because even though it is a number to me it symbolizes so much more.

Getting my mind focused and working on solutions is going to ultimately help me lose the steroid bloat and gain once I am done with them.. losing that weight will help my pain, it will lower all my blood test numbers again.

Because reality is if you focus on health, wellness, eating as clean as possible you will lose. When I first started I was unable to do much more than get to work. The first month I just ate as clean as possible no exercises and lost, the second month I could barely walk the perimeter of my parking lot without painful shin splints and yet I still lost.

So no excuses. As long as I am taking steroids and the shots I will not lose and will likely gain BUT I can minimize it by being healthy so when I can get back to being active it won’t be as hard and man nothing felt as good as that clean eating. Today an FB memory popped up and it was painful… but it is something I cannot change so I share my pain with my friend and move on until the next time.

We have to choose a goal to work on over a 3 month period at the end of this clinic. Mine is going to be get up to 10K in steps. I can never go back to monster hiking daily but end goal will be to be able to do them on weekends and to finish my goal of being able to gently jog or run…it is so important to me so I will be patient❤️

I sat on my deck writing this, it is so nice and dual blessing the cast iron chair works as an ice pack 😂😂. I am feeling strangely slightly happy at this very moment… I will take it. Sweet dreams friends❤️

21 Day Fix, Change, Clean_Eating, Uncategorized

Soapbox Saturday

So I have dubbed today soap box Saturday! I went to the farmers market and got so many amazing things that I know are healthy. I was reminded how a year ago I went every Saturday and bought produce and fruits that I could freeze. Herein lies my soap box speech. If you prep you increase your ability to succeed tenfold. What I noticed the last 6 months since my injuries is I no longer do the amount of prep I used to. I still do a little but not enough. If you prep you will succeed. **hint if you pre-chop lettuce or cabbage try to use a ceramic knife you will avoid the browning and the excuse to not eat it!

I used to take one Saturday a month and spend maybe 4 hours doing mass prepping. I made steel cut oats and measured and froze for 1 yellow container. Pop it out of the freezer the night before and take to work the next day. No excuse to buy unhealthy breakfast. I would clean and pre-measure fruits to freeze for my smoothies, although now I realize I can just freeze in a bag and measure it out LOL. I made large batches of soups and would measure and individually freeze, pre-cook meat and pre-measure. Anything I could prep ahead of time and pop in the freezer I did. Even if I was tired and did not pull anything out to thaw I could just pop in the micro! I boiled eggs and kept a supply at all times in the fridge, prepped fresh veggies as well.

Not only does it save time and money but it saves the excuse to order out. I spent less than $30 for all the items in the picture today and most of that cost was the garlic because HELLO FRESH GARLIC!

I never make a batch of soup that takes me longer than 30 minutes start to finish and it is so good and so healthy. If you mass prep once a month you will only need to do minimal the rest of the month. WE are worth that extra few hours.

My daughter showing up yesterday was a reminder of just how depressed I have been, how this 50 pound gain has sucked the joy out of me. YES it is just a number but it is a number that has made my pain even worse, that has stopped me from finding my joy outside. Just being in the fresh air, laughing and being goofy was the best medicine I could have. And even though it was a short visit it reminded me that if I continue on this slow gain I am not going to be around to enjoy the times I do get with my kids.

Make yourself a priority, it is not selfish. If your spouse is not on board tell them how important it is and if they still are not so be it they can eat the way they choose. This lifestyle should not require making separate meals, the food is amazing and tasty and reality is WE owe it to ourselves and our loved ones. For many of us our weight is dangerous level. Our children and loved ones deserve to have mom and dad around to raise them. They deserve to have good examples so they do not struggle the same as we have for so many years. If I had not done this I would be dead or at the very least suffering from stroke related issues. It is hard and it is harder if we make it harder. If you make it a lifestyle and never ever allow yourself to feel deprived you will succeed.

Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Berries & Butterflies in my BEEEEEELLLY

Let me start by saying I am THE most impatient person in the world and it almost always comes back to bite me in the butt… I LOVED hiking so much a year ago, then my back and leg issues stopped me in my tracks. Once I was able to start minimal walking again it was the winter months. So I kind of lost my love of hiking, heck I lost my love of pretty much everything for a bit. I put 40 of the 115 pounds I lost that year back on, went from walking/hiking 10-15 miles a day to nada. I was still eating good but not burning 4500 calories a day and did not think about rethinking my daily consumption.

Then my depression hit me SMACK dab in the face. I cannot travel long distances because of my bulging disks and bones spurs because they make me go numb and if not numb the pain is excruciating. So that means I have not gotten to see my grandson in months and I mean MONTHS. That breaks my heart. There are many things breaking my heart these days but I decided given the pain in my body is less than the pain in my heart and head I was going for a walk! Those walks are my drug, I have the best conversations with myself on those walks! I forgot how much I loved them!

I LOVE walking in the woods, I love that I can drive a mile in the middle of my city and find hiking trails and hardly see another soul. I love the gorge and Mt. Tabor but Powell Butte is really solitary and I love that. You may meet the occasional hiker or family or mountain biker but it is really tranquil. I forgot how much I loved it up there. I also used to get butterflies every single night realizing when I got off work I got to go hiking. I have not had butterflies for at least 9 months. Today I had them BIG TIME! I was so excited to leave work and go straight to the butte… then I bought berries which meant I had to go home first, then go back to the butte.

My typical MO is if I go home I am not going back out but man those butterflies would not stop!! So took my berries home, and went back down to the car. In my haste (this is where my impatience came in) I forgot my pony band, and my fitbit (although I think this is a good thing as I am very competitive with myself when I wear it) and realized all I had grabbed were my car key…so no garage door opener, no fob to get back in the building, no problem, I will use the super secret code when I back I can just use the manual button to get out…. except I forgot the code when I got back! Seriously it would have taken me less than 5 minutes to go back up to my apartment. BUT those damn butterflies!!!

I shared so much of my soul with you guys the first year, you will never ever know how much you helped me get through days when I could barely breathe because of my emotional pain. Then I stopped, got caught up in the world and all the anger and whatever else I let infiltrate me. I am the queen of long winded posts and I apologize but man it helps me so much just knowing some of you have the same issues I have and if you do not you do not judge me but just let me ramble on. I promise to try my best to not do long rambling again but I also want to start posting more. I never left but rather stayed in the background reading your successes and not so successes. Silently cheering you and being inspired.

So it is time to pick myself back up, dust myself off, do what I need to do to get back to where I was a year ago mentally. The rest will fall in place. I do not want to live a life of never ending pain anymore, be it emotional or physical and I know with every fiber in my soul that eating healthy, exercising, getting some of this weight off will get me back to that mindset. I do not want to lose the weight for appearances but I do not want to be remotely close to being diabetic again and reality is I beat my body to pieces and the extra weight adds to the pain.

So there you have it. I am working my way back.

Change, Cravings, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

Memories….like the corner…oh never mind

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Some days my facebook memories are many some days none at all. This was one from last year, I keep wanting my facebook to be about finding me and getting healthy and blah blah blah. Then I get sucked into what most people use facebook for… sharing stories about what is happening in the world, passive aggressive bitching, poking fun at people, sharing about our families which is actually good, etc. I have to get myself back to where I was last year. I am out of control! My anger, my depression, my weight gain, my everything. So I kind of looked the post over and added ** a few words to it. Painful as some memories are they are great reminders of where you were, how far you have come and how sometimes you have taken 2 steps forward and 15 miles worth backwards!
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“If you are going to look back on your past..then look how far you have come”

I had said earlier that I bought a journal that is questions, statements etc for each day of the year. It is undated and I am just randomly picking them for each day. They make me really ponder sometimes to come up with an answer, sometimes it is easy. (**CLEARLY this lasted for about 2 weeks maybe less!! I need to pick it back up**)

Today’s journal words are “If you are going to look back on your past….then look how far you have come..”

This one is pretty easy for me because this whole journey has been about my past and how to stop letting it dictate my choices and stop dwelling on it (**enter 2017 and not doing such a great job on this one**).

I look back at my past and for most of my life and most definitely the last 38 years of it I have lived it in fear. Fear has ruled my life… sometimes I did not even know what the heck I was fearing. It has been hard taking a good hard look at it. I feared my parents would divorce, I feared my friends would hate me, I feared I would be victimized again, I feared I would be a huge failure at being a good parent, I feared my marriage would end in divorce and I would be alone for the rest of my life, I feared I would never be able to enjoy intimacy, I feared I would be a drug addict or alcoholic my whole life. I feared I would lose my job and not be able to pay my bills. I feared I would remain unlovable that I would never control my eating or stop smoking. I feared I would believe I was ugly and not worthy the rest of my life. I feared I would get that dreaded call your child has been killed, when I got the call that my son had been critically injured and was not sure he would survive which set in motion 14 years of REALLY dreading calls from my mom or other family members. I still worry just not as much (** OK THIS IS A BALDFACE LIE!! I HATE how my stomach gets in knots anytime my phone rings or a text comes in… I know it is not reasonable but I cannot help it. There are many reasons why and I am not getting into those but dang enough already Theresa get a grip on yourself!!**). I could keep going but it is a never ending list of fear.

I shed most of those fears over the last 9 months. I no longer fear being victimized (**ok this one I am honestly struggling with again**), my parents stayed married until my father died so that fear is gone. My friends love me and I know now the real ones will stay with me forever (**so I have lost quite a few “friends” this year due to my being vocal about this or that but I am ok with that**). I have been clean for 34 years I will never worry about that addiction again (**although drugs and alcohol are not an issue I am most definitely struggling with the addiction to food, I need to remember addictions come in all colors and sizes and types**). I have been smoke free for 22 years, turns out I did an ok job on the parenting and I think I will be a great grandma ! My marriages did end in divorce but for the first time in 30 years I can envision wanting to spend my life with someone (**2017 SCRATCH that vision!! I am more afraid now then ever before I just simply cannot let my fear, baggage and things from my past go at least not yet and THAT makes me a bad candidate for relationships. It would not be fair to the other person**).

I still worry about losing my job but I also know I am smart and will land on my feet and find something else if it were to happen (**I may have been pretending that I was ok if that happened haha I do not do well with change**). No matter how tough things have gotten for me financially I have always been able to pay my bills. For the first time in my life I feel worthy, worthy of love, respect, happiness (**reality is I feel NONE of those things… I do not think I felt them last year either but thought it was expected of me so said it. I have been pretty beaten down this last year, by my health, my own self, and some others…. It is ok, do not need to be told I am all those things and a bag o chips. In time perhaps I will come to truly believe it but until then I will keep plodding along, try my best to not keep derailing myself based on my belief that I am not worthy and one day maybe I will really believe i**) . I no longer feel I am an ugly person inside and out.I not only lost weight but I lost the fear that had dictated my choice to make myself live as an obese person. (**NOPE see the comment above!**)

It is hard to explain why the loss of the weight has freed me from so much fear. The only way to explain is fear is what made me decide to gain weight so I would never be hurt again. Shedding that “protective layer” means that whole being is no more. My new fear is who am I really… Will I like the new me.. I guess the answer to the sentence for today is I have come farther than I ever though imaginable. In 10 months I shed 38+ years of fear. I have come a long way baby!! I have a long way to go but I am going to kick fears ass.

(**So the flip side of the paragraph before this is…. the loss of weight freed me for a brief time and then attention and my mind thinking maybe I could actually have someone in my life reminded me why I got fat in the first place and boom… weight back on. Now thankfully it is not the entire amount but man I am struggling with it. NO I cannot just let it go, NO I cannot shut my mind off and only think positive rainbow and unicorn thoughts, NO I cannot pretend like that violent act will ever leave me or leave my thoughts. YES there is hope, there is always hope but sometimes that hope fades and then comes back and then fades and over and over. I will not give up, I will likely drive myself crazy and anyone else that comes along for my ride. If I stay single the rest of my life out of fear I am ok with that, I have done it for a very long time and am quite anti social. If I end up in one cool beans. BUT I will not get in one just because. I will not damage another person because I have trust or intimacy issues. I enjoy my own company, I love hiking by myself and I can survive the rest of my life alone. But maybe… just maybe…. there will come a time where I am ok with letting someone else in.**)

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Birthday, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Birthday to Me

I have always thought families who go to exotic vacation places or Disneyland had all the luck…that was until last year. My daughter and I took a 10 day trip to the coast and mountains and it was the best time I have ever had. I wish I had appreciated the family vacations we had when I was young. We may not have gotten to go to an over crowded Disney or beach but we had fun. We stepped out of our comfort zone and made memories that will never leave me. I am not a fan of water and even less a fan if there is a snake in it but we swam in the purest clearest water right after seeing a snake.

We drove in the mountains, drove to the very top of one of them on a road that was very narrow… another thing I am petrified of is heights! We rode the tram to the top of the mountain and we sat on the edge of the cliffs and looked at the ocean. We sailed the ocean blue, we met a wonderful woman and Kayla introduced me to her friends who in turn introduced us to a wonderful man that had a yacht that we hung out on another thing I am not comfortable on. I got to meet the man and woman who treated my daughter like their own. I saved my daughter from the clutches of Sasquatch and the virgin sacrificial alter. We collected so many sand dollars we could barely carry them. We saw a herd of Elk on the beach and laughed like never before.

I got to test my ability to stay true to my new healthy lifestyle and did a pretty good job of it. When we did have pizza it was fresh and made with butternut squash and fresh made cheese etc.

Life got in the way and we were not able to do it this year. Money, a messed up back and hip that do not allow me to travel and just life in general. But you know what….next year we will enjoy it even more since we have to wait for it.

I love the city I live in, although the biggest in Oregon it seems small. It is quirky and full of amazing kind people….and full of some really horrible people. The last few weeks have been so difficult for the community. We have had so many murders and hate crimes, the most recent were two men who died and another young man who barely survived. 3 heroes who stood up against evil and wrong and did not waiver from their beliefs. They stood up for 2 innocent 16 year old girls who were being verbally assaulted by an aggressive and dangerous white supremacist/terrorist. A man who openly calls for the murder of police and anyone he deems not good enough to be in this world.

I guess for me that is my final line in the sand…. I have drawn many since #45 took office but this…this is different. I can no longer tolerate people I know that support him or call for hate or intolerance against Muslims or anyone else. I stand up when I see things, I have learned to be a bit more careful in how I address it but I will not be silenced I will not let those men have died or been injured have it be in vain. The mother of the young man murdered came to town for a memorial and she was captured lovingly holding the face of a Muslim woman with her hands and a smile. That is inspiration and I am going to try my best to be that kind of human.

My friends from work got me beautiful flowers from one of their gardens, my buddy bought me these awesome measuring cups I had been admiring and held them for me until my birthday! I do not need expensive bouquets or gifts. I decided to give myself several birthday gifts this year. I love coffee and hate spending what it costs at Starbucks. I have tried in vain to make good coffee to no avail. BUT I heard great things about the Chemex carafe and treated myself. My first cup was a success!! My friend Pam made me promise to take my birthday balloon with me if I did anything over the weekend and take pictures! We went to 3 different creeks, a farmers market, saw an abandoned church and hung out on my deck.

It has been a tough year for me health and emotional wise. My best birthday gift to myself this year will be to spend less time on social media, it is toxic. To work on getting healthy both physically and mentally and not let other opinions of how I do it affect me. It is my journey and mine alone. I will keep those who support me in my life and likely say goodbye to a few who just have vastly different ideas of what is right and wrong.

I will try to be less angry and judgmental. I will stand up for what is right and just. I will not sacrifice my happiness by staying silent any longer. I will try very very hard to see the other side of the picture, to rationally look at it before rushing to judgement and I will try to not let guilt rule how I choose.

Allow yourself to be a beginner.  No one starts off being wise.  Do the best you can until you know better.  Once you know better, do better.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Keep Calm and Carry on (day 8 of 30)

I was worried about having my MRI today, last time I had a really hard time not panicking. My friend Pam took to me to my appointment and we got there early so decided to walk at the little park across the street. I was feeling a bit panicky and waiting for the ativan to kick in. Thankfully I did not have to go all the way in, the meds kicked in and I did not panic but man it hurt to lay there.

Such pretty trees and a view that I do not normally get to see. Got to visit with her daughter Camille, play with Kira, eat breakfast and have a drink… ok I had water. And my daughter shared a picture of my goofy grandpuppy. All in all a pretty ok day. Fingers crossed for some answers. Slipped into a coma when I got home so fingers crossed I will be able to sleep tonight!

I am trying to keep my world zen… my blood pressure has gone up a little and the fact that I cracked 2 teeth is an indicator of how stressed I am. As painful as it is sometimes you just have to take a step back from people. I know I am guilty as well this whole election and #45 dealings is frightening and although I do not want to dwell on it day in and day out…..we simply cannot pretend like it is not there. We have to keep aware so in 2018 we vote the right way… but I think there is a fine line and I am trying to walk that line. I have lost several more friends on Facebook lately and that is ok….cleaning house or having your house cleaned is a good thing.

So I am thankful I have insurance, I am thankful I have a friend who will waste an entire beautiful day on shuttling me around. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for pain, it shows I am alive how is that a stretch for positivity!!!

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Never underestimate the gift of your health.  It’s the greatest wealth you will ever own.  It’s the foundation for every chance at happiness and success life has to offer.  Your body is the only place you will truly ever live.

Respect your body.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Breathe deeply.  Move harmoniously.  Daily.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

 

Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Uncategorized

Acceptance and Commitment (day 7 of 30)

20160528_185251I am not really feeling it tonight. But I made a promise to do 30 days so here I am. Commitment and follow through have never been a strong point for me. I can do really well and then just like that I stop. I used to just accept that was the way I would always be. But I am tired of being that person. I need to learn that I cannot change people, I cannot change for people and sometimes it just is what it is.

Tomorrow I have another MRI and fingers crossed I will not freak out like last time. I really struggled to not push the button. I am taking an anti anxiety med before hand. I am also hoping this will give me some answers. My pain is as bad as it ever has been. My weight is going up and my exercise going down. My doctor has suggested I not sit for long periods of time given my leg is going numb so I am really limited on where I can go. But I have decided I need to go for a daily walk, get my eating back in order and focus on yoga at this point to help the muscles stretch.

So there ya go… just another little stumble in my journey. But I will dust myself off and start plodding down that path again.

The familiar faces, places and situations you rely on daily.

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”

Have you ever noticed that the more familiar you become with an amazing person, a beautiful place, or an ideal situation in your life, the more you seem to take it for granted?  It’s like you somehow believe life is supposed to be this way – like it won’t ever change.  And most of the time, all the maintenance these wonderful things need is a little time, attention, and deliberate appreciation.

So how often do you pause to appreciate your life and everyone and everything in it?  How often do you stop dead in your tracks and think, “Wow, thank you”?

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

 

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