Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.

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21 Day Fix, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Mindfulness, rain, Uncategorized

Avoidance, guilt and dread

I have pulled back from my social media and that is not entirely a bad thing. I wish I could get to the point of saying goodbye to Facebook but I have groups that I participate in even if I only lurk in them at times and the people in these groups have supported me in ways they will never know. I have grown to love these people even though I have never and likely will never meet them…. I have also not been very supportive of these people and that bothers me.

I am the queen of avoidance, guilt and dread. There is the sweetest old hippie living on my floor. Every single time I see him he asks about Deklin, he knows how old he is, he wants to see a picture of him. He asks how my children are and he asks if I have had a chance to go hiking and tells me how amazing my weight loss has been. He notices if I have had a crappy day and comments on my smile if I have had a good day. Some may think it creepy but I find it endearing and he is this kind to every person in the building who has taken the time to introduce themselves to him. He is genuinely the sweetest man I have met he ends every conversation with have a great day my friend. And yet….

I have been avoiding him, dreading if I know I am going to run into him. He has had a tough life, he was a victim of a hit and run and it left him fighting for his life. He survived but permanently injured and due to that became homeless and a heroin addict because of the pain. He is clean and has been for years now but he is in constant pain and yet he always and I mean ALWAYS has a smile on his face. There are days I see him and you can just see the pain in his eyes, he looks exhausted and his use of his cane and limp is more pronounced and yet…. there is always that smile and the greeting and the genuine concern for others…

I am not sure if it because I feel guilty that I am letting my perceived issues drag me down or because I am just so exhausted mentally and physically that I can barely muster a smile these days let alone converse with someone and appear interested. I had an acquaintance who I thought was a friend awhile back tell me she was tired of my woe is me attitude. That stung me to the core because part of this journey has been one of honesty and that means the good and the bad.. I have had people comment when I mention a struggle that I should be happy and thankful for the weight loss and life I have gained because of this journey. I think they are well meaning but pretending that I am ok 24/7 would be a lie. I have people following me that have thanked me for my honesty, that it helps them when they hit those bumps. So why do I feel guilty about being honest and sharing the downs as well as the ups.. One of the reasons I was obese and at times suicidal the last 38 years is due to feeling like I could not speak about my shame, pain or frustration.

I have lived most of my life avoiding conflict and dread interacting with people most times. I hate when people hurt and I think it is to a fault and the level of how I let it affect me is unhealthy. Because of this people tend to not tell me things in order to protect me. I understand that but I also need to learn to deal with it in a healthy fashion. I HATE that my loved ones (family and friends) hurt. I wish I could be like others who hand it over to God or whatever entity they believe in but I am not there yet. I cannot let it go and it drives me crazy. I hate when I see a homeless person on the street struggling, my heart hurts and I will spend hours thinking about them and how I wish I could help them.

I have said it before but I never thought that losing weight would bring forth such emotional issues but it has and losing 100 plus pounds was easier than this part of the journey. I am finding myself shrinking back into myself, avoiding people and not doing the things I have grown to love. I have not been walking or exercising like I was, I am finding love/hate in a loaf of bread (thankfully I have not gone back to any other bad eating habits). Last week I went on a hike with my friend, I am selfish and tend to not let anyone go with me as it is my time to think and be alone. I have many amazing friends and family but this friend is so zen… I do not know how to explain it, she is real and genuine and she has an entirely different belief system than I do and I envy the level of peace she finds. She struggles for sure, she has her own demons but her view of life and the level of empathy is like none other I have witnessed. It was so beautiful up there, I miss those hikes. Walking in town is not as pleasurable as it once was… I want the trees and creeks and the solitude. I need to get back to that… I need to go for those hikes again.

I made myself go to the farmers market and grabbed some apples and pears. I had some cranberries and frozen peaches that I had done up earlier this summer. I popped them in my Instapot with cinnamon, georgia peach pie spice and ginger (no sugar). It smells amazing…I went to dump my garbage and saw Daniel. He smiled that big ol smile and I found myself smiling and could not wait to show him my pictures of Deklin. We chatted and I genuinely enjoyed it… That simple act of forcing myself to leave my apartment, go walk a tiny bit at the market made all the difference in the world.

Slow and steady… I will never give up in my endeavor to become whoever it is I am meant to be. It will be amazing at times and it will be painful at times and I will share my joys and I will share my groans and anger. I am human and I will not pretend to be anything other than who I am…. whatever and whoever that may be.

21 Day Fix, Change, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Larch Mountain 2016

160916 larch mtn.jpgDecided to take half day off from work I really needed to cleanse my mind and soul. Evidently I misunderstood my doctor (proof I need to listen to messages on a REAL phone). I did NOT have a tear but rather a sprain of my hammy!!! The pop and drop to the ground was it kind of popping off where it attaches due to being so tight. SO walking is in order to help loosen it up! I was given the go ahead to do 5 easy miles but decided I would ease into a walk…
 
I had put my fitbit on my ankle for the walk and therefore unable to pay attention to the miles until I saw a sign. In my defense I walked slower than ever and actually took time to enjoy! I also got to a sign that said .5 miles to where I was wanting to go but realized I had already walked 2.5 so did not allow it as that would have added an extra mile… booo and hisssss. Anyhoooooo
 
The view was insane and the silence was deafening!!! In fact the only thing I heard other than the random fly, bird, person was the squeaking of my bra….really… my bra squeaks….. oh and my shoe…. I needed this so badly. I did have a random thought/concern… they say that if it is dead quiet in the woods it is because a Sansquanch (Kayla & Theresa speak for Sasquatch) is around… I was VERY concerned he would whisk me away to be his bride but alas….
 
I was supposed to text when I was done so my friends/coworkers did not worry and decided to pull off at the Women’s Forum State View Point. I have only been there once and never really thought about going back. I decided to take a picture of the view from there with me in for proof of life!
 
Out of nowhere I hear the most adorable accent and it was a lady asking where I was visiting from. I explained I lived here and asked where she was from. She is from Kentucky and her and her sweet hubby are on their way to Seattle to hop a cruise ship to Alaska to see their grand baby! We chatted for quite awhile about this and that and I asked if I could take a picture of them.
 
When they got ready to go I thanked them for making my day, we hugged and she said God Bless your new life (I had told them about my journey and blog in which I was going to share the photos). I got teary and she said who knew we would meet a new BFF today!!! Then asked if I had FB and could we be friends, that she would share her trip to Alaska with me!!!! SOOOOO SWEET and seriously made my week!!
 
I am actually anti social unless I am hiking or something along those lines. I love that she approached me!
21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized, What If's

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

So a couple of things I realized…

* My one year on this awesome new life was the 12th not the 20th like I have thought this last year lol.

* I not only lost 103 pounds and over 80 inches but also my unmatched sock lifestyle that was my FLAIR! Not sure why but kinda makes me sad.

* I have “met” some of the most amazing supportive people because of this. And as much as they say I inspire them THEY inspire me, they help me to keep fighting for this, they helped give me a voice and never judged or told me to shut up. They allowed me to post daily and sometimes multiple times a day my feelings and that helped me more than anything….finally being accountable for my actions or lack thereof. They “got” that being brutally honest about daily dealings etc was not me being whiny but me being honest and that allowed and still allows me to heal.

*I went from rarely smiling and never posting a picture of myself to smiling like a fool and over posting pictures of myself.

* Realized that I actually have self worth, that I am not ugly or unlovable, that I bring value to this world and others.

* That I did this… me and I have every right to be proud of the hard work and need to stop minimizing or apologizing for stuff related to it.

* That me…the person who kept herself obese as a self preservation mode, the person who spent most days laying on a couch, who could not walk 100 yards without being in pain, who never showed her arms or legs, who walked with her head down and never looked people in the eyes, who let one act all those years ago dictate that life….Me the person who now walks proud, smiles, engages people, walks up to 15 miles, shows my arms and legs (which reminds me I HAVE to remember to shave now), that laughs and does things I never thought possible. ME the person who is ridiculously happy 90% of the time but the last few days had to realize that I still have work to do, more than I thought.

* That it is ok to not be 100% all the time, that it is ok to have down moments. It is ok to be in those moments as long as I move on from them. I have some real work to do now. The last 2 or 3 weeks have been tough emotionally. I spent a good portion of my life depressed and suicidal… If there was ever a plus to having no self esteem it was that it kept me from following through on it. I have spent years where I could barely breath or function but I had 2 of the most amazing children that kept me going….that and I thought I was such a loser that I would not be successful at killing myself, that I would fuck it up like every other thing I touched and just become a vegetable that was aware of her surroundings but could do nothing but lay like a bump on a log. As sad as that comment is it saved my life. That and my friends and family and now my new friends and family I have met through this journey.

I have an addictive personality.. it was drugs, drinking, spending money I did not have, eating. Having my kids changed the drugs and drinking part of the punishing myself behaviors but the next 38 years was eating and hiding. This last year has helped me shed that part. The last year I became addicted to walking and hiking and that is not a bad thing but it became an obsession that over rode everything else… so my body is paying for that and I am having to scale back a bit and do some physical therapy.

I also am learning that it is ok if not everyone likes me or wants to be around me. That I do not need to take it personally. I have always been the keeper of the peace and sometimes you just cannot do it and need to let go. I say that I am keeper of the peace but I am also the most UNFORGIVING person if you cross me and I deem it over the line. That is something I am working on. That it is ok to state your opinion but be careful to not deliberately hurt others in doing so. That it is ok to agree to disagree.

So I am now going to work on the inside of me. I was talking to my friend today and told her that for the first time in a year or more I am really really down…down enough that I am not sleeping well, that I am not enjoying my walking like I love to do, that my mind is wandering to that place where I think, is this how life is going to be…how I do not want to be afraid or worry the rest of my days like this… I know I would never go back to that suicidal person but I do need to be cognizant of those feelings. Life is hard right now, we are bombarded by people killing each other, this terrible presidential election, the state of our world, the fact that it is a constant worry how we will retire or pay rent etc etc etc. I am trying very hard to move on from that. I do not have cable, I do not get the paper, I know hiding ones head is not healthy but sometimes you just have to take a break from reality.

So thank you to everyone who has supported me this last year. I am going to enjoy reading my memories that show up to see just how far I have come! Ok so that is more than a couple of things! I included some of my journey… the first time I climbed to the top of Mt. Tabor, the first time I made it up Mt. Talbert, my first time around Powell Butte and some that show how miserable I was and how awesome life started to become!

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Uncategorized

Manic Monday

I seriously want to punch someone and that makes me even madder than I already am. I have worked really hard at controlling my anger, depression, letting people get the best of me and letting things bother me so badly I want to punch someone. Today…. I really REALLY want to punch someone.

It started out great! First day of Summer, nice weather, my work buddy was back in after being gone for a week, not as hot as they were saying so hiking after work was gonna happen. AND that is when it went south…

I had a great 6.5 mile hike and feeling that high one gets from hard work. Sweating like a pig, conquered all the evil stairs and at one of my favorite hiking spots at Mt. Tabor.

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Made my way around the mountain to the other side and the sign that is my name sake! Feeling so awesome life is great, birds are chirping, pet myself some dogs and talked to some nice people. 20160620_17083220160620_170757

Look at that GLISTENING skin haha… So I am slightly annoyed because I am parking WAY up to the curb since parking is limited. I get back and a someone pulled in behind me so close I felt like he owed me $50 and a cigarette… I took deep breaths said let it gooooooo and jockeyed my way out of the spot. Most everyone pulls up to this spot where you can turn around since there are so many walker and bikers and limited ways out. A person had pulled into a spot in front of me, I pulled forward a bit and was completely STOPPED. I put the car in reverse, still I have not moved because I am spinning my head around to make sure no one is behind me and boom a mountain biker chick rides behind me. No mind you she had ample room to go in front, I am not moving and you can clearly see I am going to back up. All the sudden I hear the most profane expletives coming out of her mouth at me. She is calling me a bitch, the C word saying the F word (I am refraining from using them as I know some in my audience do not like it (you are welcome mom lol)). I said I was not even moving and she started in again yelling, swearing and people are looking at me like I am the asshole!!! I should have just moved along but she would not shut up so I told her she was a psycho bitch… she did not like that.

At this point I am shaking I am so mad, so embarrassed and so shocked at her reaction…. I do not know why I am shocked. Most bike riders are ok that I have dealt with but without fail EVERY.SINGLE.MOUNTAIN.BIKE.RIDER has been an ass…. So I slink off mad that I let her get to me, super mad she stole my hiking high and just wanted to get home. I am telling myself over and over let it go let it go!!!

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On the freeway feeling less angry enjoying some loud AC/DC and the wind blowing in my hair. And then BOOM this guy in front of me in a big truck starts into my lane, no blinker no paying attention. If I had not had my tires changed recently I would be dead. There is no way my old tires would have handled this. I had a person behind me, cannot move over because he is still partially in that lane, I am HONKING my horn at him to get his attention, he is flipping me off and I am slamming on my brakes so hard (thankfully the guy behind me saw what was happening and scooted over) that my tires are squealing and my car is fishtailing. I seriously almost pooped my pants, I have never felt I was that close to wrecking my car as I did at that moment. He finally moved over and he and his passenger have their window down just yelling at me flipping me off… I was in such shock thankfully I just ignored him and they backed off. So now my anger is back with a vengeance and I am SO MAD that I am SO MAD.

I have no desire to eat I am just so frigging mad at this point but I told myself you cannot go back to those ways… now mind you I am feeling kinda crappy because I had delightful cheese fonduta yesterday and today I paid a price ALL.DAY.LONG! Thus my stating I was glad I did not poop my pants! What I really wanted was a drink but I was not going to do that. So I went home with the intent of eating salad….

The first bag….FROZEN. 20160620_191245

The second bag…..BLACKISH AND SLIMY20160620_191440

I was able to salvage a tiny bit from the third bag…. 20160620_191626

Out of three bags of salad I was able to get a tiny bit of pepitas, a tiny bit of cranberries, a tiny bit of soy nuts, had some border line cauliflower, I found 3 green olives in the fridge so chopped them up and cut some cheese and salvaged about a 1/4 of a rotten avocado..20160620_192114

I am done. I am still mad. I am not as mad as I was but I am still angry…. I had not just walked 6.5 miles and afraid that I would be killed I would go for another walk… I think it safest to stay safely in my apartment until I go to work tomorrow!

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Journey to happiness, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Re-Birthday to Me

What an amazing journey the last 10 months have been!

My daughter and I went on vacation for 8 days and was really worried about how I was going to do. I knew cheating was not going to be an issue as I just do not do that I eat clean 24/7 but I GAIN if I do not get enough calories or water in. The biggest struggle I have is being prepared for when I am not home or at work. Of course we were totally unprepared thinking the cabin had a mini fridge and it did not and we had no cooler, or cooking supplies. I knew we would eat out quite a bit and there are not a ton of healthy places where we were. We did this trip 2 years ago and I was so limited in what I could do. Not this year!

I have to say I am proud of myself. When we went out I had water or tea no alcohol 😉 We did have pizza on two different nights but they were pretty clean and amazing! One had butternut squash and roasted garlic SO good. I took one bite of the jalapeno and mozzarella cheese and took the green olive salad off the other one and popped it on the butternut so incredible and fresh. We had a margarita pizza on the other night. I have never had pizza’s as amazing as these were. Scratch made sauce and wood fired thin crust. Other meals were salads with the exception of Mexican one night.

Our first day there was full of driving, we checked into our awesome cabin At Rivers Edge Rv Park in Brookings, Oregon. If you are looking for a great inexpensive quiet place on the Oregon coast this is your place. We then toodled over to Crescent City, California for dinner with her awesome friends Brent and Rebecca and then off to the beach for sunset pictures. The second day we popped back over for breakfast with them again and played on the beach.

Did not get walking in like I had thought I would, we spent tons of time driving in the mountains and swimming. I am afraid of heights and water and SNAKES but this birthday trip was about the re-birthday of the new me. So I was determined to do outside the comfort zone things. The underwater selfies were taken AFTER we saw a snake in the river in that spot! We were followed by monarch butterflies the entire trip, we seriously never see them… we decided right or wrong it was my dads spirit with us.

We also met a sweet lady whose husband had passed exactly 4 years earlier, she had spread his ashes up where we were. She told us he always found heart rocks and gave them to her and she had never found one until that day… she found two. We told her about my dad and the buttercups he had secretly planted for my mom that peaked up through the snow on her first Easter morning without him. We all three laughed and cried and hugged!

We took a gondola to the top of the redwoods and wandered around the Trees of Mystery AND I wore no sleeve outfits that is hugely uncomfortable for me lol.

We walked on the beach and found at least 60 whole sand dollars in less than an hour, we walked in the surf, we sat on the top of rocks way above the ocean, we were within 50 yards of an elk herd on the beach, we laughed and we even cried. We went geo-caching, we spent time with my daughters friends from when she lived there.

 

We met an awesome man through one of the friends who had a small yacht and we hung out on that basking in the sun. We watched a cardboard boat regatta and had an amazing time. I would never have been able to do this 10 months ago physically or mentally.

Out last night there we had dinner again with Rebecca and then hung out at Harris State Park for a bit…

We went to the Oregon Vortex which was pretty darn cool.

And to top it all off I actually lost 1.2 inches and 1.5 pounds even though I was not trying! Clean eating is my way of life, I will eat this way the rest of my life and even being away from home I can sustain this healthy living! I still have things I need to do, I need to figure out a way to be prepared better and I am now trying to learn maintaining for a month or so rather than losing the last 18 pounds, gonna give this body a rest for a bit!

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21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, gratitude, Journey to happiness, kindness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Closer Every Day

That is my new mantra… I received that t-shirt from Beach Body for submitting my use of the 21 Day Fix. I did not realize just how much I would end up loving that shirt or just how many people would ask what it means and be inspired by my story. So here is my week in play!

April 1st

DISCLAIMER – I am having a bit of a pity party today….

Today was kind of an odd day. Feeling a bit out of sorts all day, angry, stressed, depressed and have the chills. I decided to leave work a little early and took a little nap. Still feeling kinda antsy so ate dinner and decided to go for a walk. The weather has been crazy nice so decided to take a detour and walk around a man made lake. It was beautiful, the sun was just starting to set and the birds are chirping. So peaceful.

As I was walking back home I was thinking why am I feeling all out of sorts. I think it is because I have been doing a lot of stepping outside my comfort zone.. the last couple of weeks have been about growing and healing and that can be painful at times. But the reality is like will be full of these moments, how I handle them is up to me. I am in charge of my future, I dictate my happiness, my successes and my failures.

As I was reflecting on this and thinking how proud of myself I am that I have been doing this…. a guy drives by and yells something rude at me. Then not 3 minutes later a truck drives by with three guys and they bark out the window at me. All the sudden I was that fat girl being made fun of again. All I could think was am I ever NOT going to be looked at as this less than ok person? I could go right and within 3 minutes be in the safety of my home or I could go straight, finish my walk and spend another mile and a half being vulnerable.

I choose to go straight, I have not worked hard the last 8 months to let some asshat jerk ruin my love for walking. That said I fought back tears for a bit because that pain of being ridiculed and judged came flashing back. BUT again I and I alone am responsible for how I react to these things. Reality is the world is full of hateful mean people but it is more full of amazing, loving and supportive people. Now I will admit the old Theresa came GLARING out and I did flip him off, am I proud of it… no… but that is ok too, hey I am not perfect…yet

I have a few things coming up that are going to stretch my comfort level hugely! Tomorrow I am going to celebrate with my bestie and I am wearing a dress and that is way outside my zone of ok. I think the other two things are part of what is really pushing my emotions.

Life is full of growth and change, happiness and sadness, pain and joy and how we choose to react to it is up to us. We are the owners of our own happiness and sadness. I cannot lay it on anyone else.

So turns out the dress was ok… I felt completely comfortable and had an great time. My buddy from work went with me and I got to see my best friend get married. She was STUNNING!

April 3rd

First day of dog sitting the dogs are adorable and they live off Lacamas Lake so it was a nice walk to get there and even nicer walk around it. My first day there I walked the length of it to the end of the trail and got a little over 7 miles in. It was a hot day for us but the breeze off the lake was awesome. Grilled veggies for dinner!

 

April 4th

What a day. Had to commute from The Couv to Portland this morning. Got to work realized I didn’t have my wallet or driver’s license or money… Got home look for my wallet and could not find it anywhere. Call the last place I used it at they said they didn’t have it but I decided to pop in there anyway. Of course this was after I spent an hour-and-a-half tearing my car apart. So much for my walk. But thank God they did have it and I got a little walk in before it got dark. Then I plugged in that big old jetted tub and took a soak. That’s the upside of doggy sitting for people who make way more money than I do haha.

 

April 5th

This my friends is why Public Access is so important oh my God this park is amazing. If you have not been to Lacamas Park you need to go. I will totally drive from Gresham to here on a weekend to spend the day there was so many paths I just didn’t have time tonight. So Serene nothing but the water and the birds and the occasional hiker/biker.