Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Berries & Butterflies in my BEEEEEELLLY

Let me start by saying I am THE most impatient person in the world and it almost always comes back to bite me in the butt… I LOVED hiking so much a year ago, then my back and leg issues stopped me in my tracks. Once I was able to start minimal walking again it was the winter months. So I kind of lost my love of hiking, heck I lost my love of pretty much everything for a bit. I put 40 of the 115 pounds I lost that year back on, went from walking/hiking 10-15 miles a day to nada. I was still eating good but not burning 4500 calories a day and did not think about rethinking my daily consumption.

Then my depression hit me SMACK dab in the face. I cannot travel long distances because of my bulging disks and bones spurs because they make me go numb and if not numb the pain is excruciating. So that means I have not gotten to see my grandson in months and I mean MONTHS. That breaks my heart. There are many things breaking my heart these days but I decided given the pain in my body is less than the pain in my heart and head I was going for a walk! Those walks are my drug, I have the best conversations with myself on those walks! I forgot how much I loved them!

I LOVE walking in the woods, I love that I can drive a mile in the middle of my city and find hiking trails and hardly see another soul. I love the gorge and Mt. Tabor but Powell Butte is really solitary and I love that. You may meet the occasional hiker or family or mountain biker but it is really tranquil. I forgot how much I loved it up there. I also used to get butterflies every single night realizing when I got off work I got to go hiking. I have not had butterflies for at least 9 months. Today I had them BIG TIME! I was so excited to leave work and go straight to the butte… then I bought berries which meant I had to go home first, then go back to the butte.

My typical MO is if I go home I am not going back out but man those butterflies would not stop!! So took my berries home, and went back down to the car. In my haste (this is where my impatience came in) I forgot my pony band, and my fitbit (although I think this is a good thing as I am very competitive with myself when I wear it) and realized all I had grabbed were my car key…so no garage door opener, no fob to get back in the building, no problem, I will use the super secret code when I back I can just use the manual button to get out…. except I forgot the code when I got back! Seriously it would have taken me less than 5 minutes to go back up to my apartment. BUT those damn butterflies!!!

I shared so much of my soul with you guys the first year, you will never ever know how much you helped me get through days when I could barely breathe because of my emotional pain. Then I stopped, got caught up in the world and all the anger and whatever else I let infiltrate me. I am the queen of long winded posts and I apologize but man it helps me so much just knowing some of you have the same issues I have and if you do not you do not judge me but just let me ramble on. I promise to try my best to not do long rambling again but I also want to start posting more. I never left but rather stayed in the background reading your successes and not so successes. Silently cheering you and being inspired.

So it is time to pick myself back up, dust myself off, do what I need to do to get back to where I was a year ago mentally. The rest will fall in place. I do not want to live a life of never ending pain anymore, be it emotional or physical and I know with every fiber in my soul that eating healthy, exercising, getting some of this weight off will get me back to that mindset. I do not want to lose the weight for appearances but I do not want to be remotely close to being diabetic again and reality is I beat my body to pieces and the extra weight adds to the pain.

So there you have it. I am working my way back.

Change, Cravings, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

Memories….like the corner…oh never mind

tumblr_nn15ksIh3V1tsybqfo1_500

Some days my facebook memories are many some days none at all. This was one from last year, I keep wanting my facebook to be about finding me and getting healthy and blah blah blah. Then I get sucked into what most people use facebook for… sharing stories about what is happening in the world, passive aggressive bitching, poking fun at people, sharing about our families which is actually good, etc. I have to get myself back to where I was last year. I am out of control! My anger, my depression, my weight gain, my everything. So I kind of looked the post over and added ** a few words to it. Painful as some memories are they are great reminders of where you were, how far you have come and how sometimes you have taken 2 steps forward and 15 miles worth backwards!
**********************************************************************

“If you are going to look back on your past..then look how far you have come”

I had said earlier that I bought a journal that is questions, statements etc for each day of the year. It is undated and I am just randomly picking them for each day. They make me really ponder sometimes to come up with an answer, sometimes it is easy. (**CLEARLY this lasted for about 2 weeks maybe less!! I need to pick it back up**)

Today’s journal words are “If you are going to look back on your past….then look how far you have come..”

This one is pretty easy for me because this whole journey has been about my past and how to stop letting it dictate my choices and stop dwelling on it (**enter 2017 and not doing such a great job on this one**).

I look back at my past and for most of my life and most definitely the last 38 years of it I have lived it in fear. Fear has ruled my life… sometimes I did not even know what the heck I was fearing. It has been hard taking a good hard look at it. I feared my parents would divorce, I feared my friends would hate me, I feared I would be victimized again, I feared I would be a huge failure at being a good parent, I feared my marriage would end in divorce and I would be alone for the rest of my life, I feared I would never be able to enjoy intimacy, I feared I would be a drug addict or alcoholic my whole life. I feared I would lose my job and not be able to pay my bills. I feared I would remain unlovable that I would never control my eating or stop smoking. I feared I would believe I was ugly and not worthy the rest of my life. I feared I would get that dreaded call your child has been killed, when I got the call that my son had been critically injured and was not sure he would survive which set in motion 14 years of REALLY dreading calls from my mom or other family members. I still worry just not as much (** OK THIS IS A BALDFACE LIE!! I HATE how my stomach gets in knots anytime my phone rings or a text comes in… I know it is not reasonable but I cannot help it. There are many reasons why and I am not getting into those but dang enough already Theresa get a grip on yourself!!**). I could keep going but it is a never ending list of fear.

I shed most of those fears over the last 9 months. I no longer fear being victimized (**ok this one I am honestly struggling with again**), my parents stayed married until my father died so that fear is gone. My friends love me and I know now the real ones will stay with me forever (**so I have lost quite a few “friends” this year due to my being vocal about this or that but I am ok with that**). I have been clean for 34 years I will never worry about that addiction again (**although drugs and alcohol are not an issue I am most definitely struggling with the addiction to food, I need to remember addictions come in all colors and sizes and types**). I have been smoke free for 22 years, turns out I did an ok job on the parenting and I think I will be a great grandma ! My marriages did end in divorce but for the first time in 30 years I can envision wanting to spend my life with someone (**2017 SCRATCH that vision!! I am more afraid now then ever before I just simply cannot let my fear, baggage and things from my past go at least not yet and THAT makes me a bad candidate for relationships. It would not be fair to the other person**).

I still worry about losing my job but I also know I am smart and will land on my feet and find something else if it were to happen (**I may have been pretending that I was ok if that happened haha I do not do well with change**). No matter how tough things have gotten for me financially I have always been able to pay my bills. For the first time in my life I feel worthy, worthy of love, respect, happiness (**reality is I feel NONE of those things… I do not think I felt them last year either but thought it was expected of me so said it. I have been pretty beaten down this last year, by my health, my own self, and some others…. It is ok, do not need to be told I am all those things and a bag o chips. In time perhaps I will come to truly believe it but until then I will keep plodding along, try my best to not keep derailing myself based on my belief that I am not worthy and one day maybe I will really believe i**) . I no longer feel I am an ugly person inside and out.I not only lost weight but I lost the fear that had dictated my choice to make myself live as an obese person. (**NOPE see the comment above!**)

It is hard to explain why the loss of the weight has freed me from so much fear. The only way to explain is fear is what made me decide to gain weight so I would never be hurt again. Shedding that “protective layer” means that whole being is no more. My new fear is who am I really… Will I like the new me.. I guess the answer to the sentence for today is I have come farther than I ever though imaginable. In 10 months I shed 38+ years of fear. I have come a long way baby!! I have a long way to go but I am going to kick fears ass.

(**So the flip side of the paragraph before this is…. the loss of weight freed me for a brief time and then attention and my mind thinking maybe I could actually have someone in my life reminded me why I got fat in the first place and boom… weight back on. Now thankfully it is not the entire amount but man I am struggling with it. NO I cannot just let it go, NO I cannot shut my mind off and only think positive rainbow and unicorn thoughts, NO I cannot pretend like that violent act will ever leave me or leave my thoughts. YES there is hope, there is always hope but sometimes that hope fades and then comes back and then fades and over and over. I will not give up, I will likely drive myself crazy and anyone else that comes along for my ride. If I stay single the rest of my life out of fear I am ok with that, I have done it for a very long time and am quite anti social. If I end up in one cool beans. BUT I will not get in one just because. I will not damage another person because I have trust or intimacy issues. I enjoy my own company, I love hiking by myself and I can survive the rest of my life alone. But maybe… just maybe…. there will come a time where I am ok with letting someone else in.**)

Comments
Birthday, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Birthday to Me

I have always thought families who go to exotic vacation places or Disneyland had all the luck…that was until last year. My daughter and I took a 10 day trip to the coast and mountains and it was the best time I have ever had. I wish I had appreciated the family vacations we had when I was young. We may not have gotten to go to an over crowded Disney or beach but we had fun. We stepped out of our comfort zone and made memories that will never leave me. I am not a fan of water and even less a fan if there is a snake in it but we swam in the purest clearest water right after seeing a snake.

We drove in the mountains, drove to the very top of one of them on a road that was very narrow… another thing I am petrified of is heights! We rode the tram to the top of the mountain and we sat on the edge of the cliffs and looked at the ocean. We sailed the ocean blue, we met a wonderful woman and Kayla introduced me to her friends who in turn introduced us to a wonderful man that had a yacht that we hung out on another thing I am not comfortable on. I got to meet the man and woman who treated my daughter like their own. I saved my daughter from the clutches of Sasquatch and the virgin sacrificial alter. We collected so many sand dollars we could barely carry them. We saw a herd of Elk on the beach and laughed like never before.

I got to test my ability to stay true to my new healthy lifestyle and did a pretty good job of it. When we did have pizza it was fresh and made with butternut squash and fresh made cheese etc.

Life got in the way and we were not able to do it this year. Money, a messed up back and hip that do not allow me to travel and just life in general. But you know what….next year we will enjoy it even more since we have to wait for it.

I love the city I live in, although the biggest in Oregon it seems small. It is quirky and full of amazing kind people….and full of some really horrible people. The last few weeks have been so difficult for the community. We have had so many murders and hate crimes, the most recent were two men who died and another young man who barely survived. 3 heroes who stood up against evil and wrong and did not waiver from their beliefs. They stood up for 2 innocent 16 year old girls who were being verbally assaulted by an aggressive and dangerous white supremacist/terrorist. A man who openly calls for the murder of police and anyone he deems not good enough to be in this world.

I guess for me that is my final line in the sand…. I have drawn many since #45 took office but this…this is different. I can no longer tolerate people I know that support him or call for hate or intolerance against Muslims or anyone else. I stand up when I see things, I have learned to be a bit more careful in how I address it but I will not be silenced I will not let those men have died or been injured have it be in vain. The mother of the young man murdered came to town for a memorial and she was captured lovingly holding the face of a Muslim woman with her hands and a smile. That is inspiration and I am going to try my best to be that kind of human.

My friends from work got me beautiful flowers from one of their gardens, my buddy bought me these awesome measuring cups I had been admiring and held them for me until my birthday! I do not need expensive bouquets or gifts. I decided to give myself several birthday gifts this year. I love coffee and hate spending what it costs at Starbucks. I have tried in vain to make good coffee to no avail. BUT I heard great things about the Chemex carafe and treated myself. My first cup was a success!! My friend Pam made me promise to take my birthday balloon with me if I did anything over the weekend and take pictures! We went to 3 different creeks, a farmers market, saw an abandoned church and hung out on my deck.

It has been a tough year for me health and emotional wise. My best birthday gift to myself this year will be to spend less time on social media, it is toxic. To work on getting healthy both physically and mentally and not let other opinions of how I do it affect me. It is my journey and mine alone. I will keep those who support me in my life and likely say goodbye to a few who just have vastly different ideas of what is right and wrong.

I will try to be less angry and judgmental. I will stand up for what is right and just. I will not sacrifice my happiness by staying silent any longer. I will try very very hard to see the other side of the picture, to rationally look at it before rushing to judgement and I will try to not let guilt rule how I choose.

Allow yourself to be a beginner.  No one starts off being wise.  Do the best you can until you know better.  Once you know better, do better.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Keep Calm and Carry on (day 8 of 30)

I was worried about having my MRI today, last time I had a really hard time not panicking. My friend Pam took to me to my appointment and we got there early so decided to walk at the little park across the street. I was feeling a bit panicky and waiting for the ativan to kick in. Thankfully I did not have to go all the way in, the meds kicked in and I did not panic but man it hurt to lay there.

Such pretty trees and a view that I do not normally get to see. Got to visit with her daughter Camille, play with Kira, eat breakfast and have a drink… ok I had water. And my daughter shared a picture of my goofy grandpuppy. All in all a pretty ok day. Fingers crossed for some answers. Slipped into a coma when I got home so fingers crossed I will be able to sleep tonight!

I am trying to keep my world zen… my blood pressure has gone up a little and the fact that I cracked 2 teeth is an indicator of how stressed I am. As painful as it is sometimes you just have to take a step back from people. I know I am guilty as well this whole election and #45 dealings is frightening and although I do not want to dwell on it day in and day out…..we simply cannot pretend like it is not there. We have to keep aware so in 2018 we vote the right way… but I think there is a fine line and I am trying to walk that line. I have lost several more friends on Facebook lately and that is ok….cleaning house or having your house cleaned is a good thing.

So I am thankful I have insurance, I am thankful I have a friend who will waste an entire beautiful day on shuttling me around. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for pain, it shows I am alive how is that a stretch for positivity!!!

bathbath22bath23bath24bath25bath26bath27bath21

Never underestimate the gift of your health.  It’s the greatest wealth you will ever own.  It’s the foundation for every chance at happiness and success life has to offer.  Your body is the only place you will truly ever live.

Respect your body.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Breathe deeply.  Move harmoniously.  Daily.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

 

Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Uncategorized

Acceptance and Commitment (day 7 of 30)

20160528_185251I am not really feeling it tonight. But I made a promise to do 30 days so here I am. Commitment and follow through have never been a strong point for me. I can do really well and then just like that I stop. I used to just accept that was the way I would always be. But I am tired of being that person. I need to learn that I cannot change people, I cannot change for people and sometimes it just is what it is.

Tomorrow I have another MRI and fingers crossed I will not freak out like last time. I really struggled to not push the button. I am taking an anti anxiety med before hand. I am also hoping this will give me some answers. My pain is as bad as it ever has been. My weight is going up and my exercise going down. My doctor has suggested I not sit for long periods of time given my leg is going numb so I am really limited on where I can go. But I have decided I need to go for a daily walk, get my eating back in order and focus on yoga at this point to help the muscles stretch.

So there ya go… just another little stumble in my journey. But I will dust myself off and start plodding down that path again.

The familiar faces, places and situations you rely on daily.

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”

Have you ever noticed that the more familiar you become with an amazing person, a beautiful place, or an ideal situation in your life, the more you seem to take it for granted?  It’s like you somehow believe life is supposed to be this way – like it won’t ever change.  And most of the time, all the maintenance these wonderful things need is a little time, attention, and deliberate appreciation.

So how often do you pause to appreciate your life and everyone and everything in it?  How often do you stop dead in your tracks and think, “Wow, thank you”?

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

 

Cancer, Change, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Sadness, Uncategorized

A Time to Live (day 5 of 30)

OK_meme

Sometimes I get that needed reminder of how truly blessed I am. Although I know I am lucky sometimes… it just doesn’t help. And then…. something like this comes along. Regardless of the pain I am in, this women has been dealt a death sentence and her attitude is nothing short of amazing. I LOVE BBC Stories, they are so inspirational and really help me realize how blessed I am. They inspire, make me cry, make me laugh and make me want to be a better person. I had decided what I was going to do today’s blog on and then I saw this video and, well, this is more important.

I think the most important take from her talk is this…

This disease will probably take your mother….it is up to you if you let it take your future.

It is so easy to get mired down in your problems big or small, it does not matter, they still can be difficult. It is the way we chose to handle them, it is how we choose to honor our loved ones and live our lives that matter. I am slowly coming to the reality that I will likely be in pain the rest of my life. What level of pain remains to be seen. But I have let is side line me and derail me the last year and it is time to stop.

I often think if maybe I just had one or two issues I could better deal with it. I truly think that one act so many years ago has just permeated every fiber of my being. Just when I think I have it handled something happens and it comes back. I am realizing that this will be a life time battle for me and I am ok with that. It is going to make me stronger I will not let it kill me. I tend to minimize the level of emotional and physical pain I am in. I have made a lifetime of hiding so now I need to figure out how to stop doing that.

So tonight’s blog is going to be short, please if you do nothing else take a moment to watch the link called A Time to Live.

BBC Stories

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FBBCStories%2Fvideos%2F10155054941505659%2F&show_text=0&width=400“>A Time to Live

The gift of now.

In between all your goals, priorities, obligations, and everything else that might appear on one of your upcoming to-do lists, there are moments called “life” that still have to be lived and enjoyed.

The trick is to make the very best of now, and value it for what it’s worth.  In other words, don’t wish all your time away by waiting for better times ahead.  Smile, right now, because you can.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Forgiveness & Breaking up with Starbucks (day 4 of 30)

I am a notorious grudge holder and beater upper of myself. For as long as I can remember I have been that person who never forgets and rarely if ever forgives. Of course little offenses I can let go of but if in my mind it is heinous I will never ever let go. It is a huge flaw of mine. Although I know it can be painful for those on the receiving end of my anger it is probably more damaging to me. It eats me up inside… I know in my head that forgiving someone does not mean what they did is ok but for your own well being you have to let it go or it will destroy you… I know that in my head but my heart just struggles with it. I draw a line and I think perhaps I think they will think they can cross that line if I say I forgive them… I know you can forgive in your heart, you never need say a word to the offender but if you do not let it go and move on it will destroy you and those around you.

I am also riddled with guilt for past things. Things that I have either been forgiven for or have been told there was no need to think I need forgiveness as they never viewed it as being something that bad. I hate people being angry at me or hurting, I will to my own detriment smooth things over so they are not hurting. Again it is a flaw… it is not good for me or them. My mom and I were having a conversation the other day and she asked if I saw her comment on my blog. In it she said I did not need forgiveness and even if I did I had been long ago forgiven. I feel such guilt for so many things, it eats me up inside.

So on my way into work I was thinking how she tells me over and over I have no need to feel guilt, but in our conversation, and many other conversations we have had, she tells me how much guilt she feels for having been a screamer when we were young. Honestly I do not recall it, I think she had a stern voice, she definitely did the spanking or grounding if it was needed. My dad never ever spanked us, he rarely ever raised his voice and he made my mom do all the punishment. That does not make him a bad father or husband but it really put my mom in a bad spot. Instead of standing with her he was standing behind her. So mom…. even though you do not need forgiveness and even if you did I has long ago been forgiven I forgive you for what ever perception you have of being a screamer. Let’s pinky swear to try and let it go. We did the best we could and we both did an ok job!

So you ask what the heck does Starbucks and forgiveness have to do with anything…. I just decided that I am going to try my best to break up with Starbucks… it is expensive, I use too much cream, I have a coffee maker and can make my own. BUT they are so sweet to me… I know it is their job and damn it works really good. They know my name, they see me in the mall and stop to chat with me, they engage me in conversation and all for the cheap cheap price of $4.05! My friend watched a special on how tech companies are hacking our brains…. and damned if it is not true! STARBUCKS and their barista’s are doing the same thing GIVE ME BACK MY BRAIN!!! Ok so maybe that is a stretch but it is so ingrained in me that even when I have no intention of getting one I find myself driving right to one. He equates it to a slot machine… It really is an incredible article, here is the link if your interested. STOP HACKING MY BRAIN

“…every time I check my phone, I’m playing the slot machine to see, ‘What did I get?’ This is one way to hijack people’s minds and create a habit, to form a habit.”

So my goal is to try to do a week without buying a coffee or tea. I am also going to start doing my smoothies again. I think I use the excuse I do not have Shakeology anymore and so I just avoid it but I am slipping back into so many bad habits. I am bloated and miserable. When I first started this 2 years ago I went for 6 months with no coffee. I know I can do it, it is rewiring my brain and creating new habits again. It’s been wonderful Starbucks but our time has to end, you are not good for me, you are an expensive habit with no reward… parting is such sweet sorrow…

20170517_182943.jpg

I am thankful for clarity even though at times it is horribly painful to realize you know what needs to be done and you just cannot get it done… mental blocks suck! So here is to a week with no buying coffee, if I want it I have to make it, to a week of at least one smoothie a day. It is such a great way to get my veggies in. I am tired of being tired and bloated and feeling like crud. I am likely going to have issues with my back for life so I have to get this weight back off, focus on healthy eating that will help with swelling etc. I need to get to where I am not in so much pain that I cannot get home to see my sweet little grandbaby. It is killing me to not get to know him. So there ya go!

What your daily struggles are teaching you.

Challenges are what make life interesting; working to overcome them is what gives life meaning.

Failure and struggles keep you humble, success and achievement keep you glowing, but only faith and determination keeps you going.  So stay focused, and celebrate your efforts too, not just your outcomes.

Remember that the opposite of failing is not succeeding; the opposite of failing is trying.  Your daily efforts are what make it all possible.  Appreciate what they teach you, even when they don’t lead you to an ideal outcome.

 

%d bloggers like this: