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Unhurried Adventures for 2018

2017 was not the best year. It was full of sadness, loss, pain, the unknown sprinkled with a bit of joy. It was a year where my body betrayed me after all the punishing hiking I did to it the year prior. A year of gaining back most of the weight I worked so hard to lose. A year of losing a dear friend who walked the same path to get our health back only to lose her life to cancer. A year of not being in the lives of some of the most important people to me. A year of me slowly sliding back to the Theresa I was prior to July 2015 when I decided to try and take my life back or rather find the life I know I deserve and never allowed.

But 2017 was also a learning year and I have high hopes for 2018. I spent most of 2017 on steroids and that is toxic and brutal to your system. I cannot blame all of my weight gain on them but that is a huge part of it. The gain, bloat and topped off with manic highs and lows due to it were brutal. I love my doctor, he is so genuinely interested in figuring out a solution to my back and hip issues. He has never given up and honors my wish to not be put on pain meds for the pain. I am feeling very optimistic that we finally hit the spot!! The last shot was in a cyst they found on my spine and although I am not close to being pain free, I am also not in that constant never ending cannot get it out of your mind pain level!

I decided 2018 is going to be my year to slow down and refocus my goals. I have always been in a hurry. A hurry to get to the store, to work, to listen to others, to eat, to walk, you name it and I will hurry through it. One upside to hurting myself was being forced to slow down on my walks. It is amazing what you miss when all you are focused on is going fast and getting to the goal. I found this awesome book so treated myself to it. It basically is about slowing down and taking your time. It is full of the most amazing things to do. The writing is beautiful and their FB page has all these wonderful memes to share and have others comment on. I am really looking forward to making my FB page more toward what I had intended it to be. One of the chapters has these wonderful cards that you pop out of the book and fill out. I love their idea of putting them in a jar and pulling them out when you need a reminder of how beautiful life can be.

I am excited to see what 2018 brings. I cannot wait to share more chapters of this book because it is so wonderful. If you are interested in it I would suggest purchasing through Amazon, it is on sale as we speak. One of the quotes in the book was this…. and let me tell you it hit hard for me this year. I lost one beautiful friend and I have another beautiful friend fighting for her life. My friends lost their loved ones… we get busy, we take for granted they will always be there. The first chapter of this book is from the perspective of the author and her friend who nearly died… That friend taught her to slow down, take time out of your day. Make your life and time a priority sometimes. Even a 10 minute meet up for a quick coffee could make all the difference in the world.

I shouldn’t have to wait for my friend to get sick for us to share wonderful moments together

Here is to an amazing and unhurried 2018 my friends~

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journal, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

My visit with the nutritionist

So one of the things I really struggle with is the feeling of guilt if I eat something not super clean and healthy. I know it is not rational I KNOW THAT but it is how my mind works right now. Thankfully my nutritionist helped me understand that does not make me abnormal! I feel sooooo bad if I eat bread or anything not 99% clean. I know that is something I have to work on and I am going to see a counselor there is just too much emotionally going on that has been unleashed. I will not feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. All too often people are shamed about depression or being on anti depressants or seeking counseling. BUT I did not spend the last year fighting to get healthy and not get healthy emotionally as well.

Tonight I went with my friend and had a tiny little pizza. It was so good, thin thin crust with no sauce little bit of feta, artichoke hearts, tomatoes and some green olives. Not bad at all for a pizza…. I also ate some potato wedges and I am not going to lie it has me feeling so guilty and bad. Instantly I wanted to go walk for miles but I did not allow myself. Instead I came in did some yoga and breathing, did some weights for my arms and still hit my 10,000 steps. That is the dangerous side of this weight loss thing… when you lose sight of the big picture and only obsess about every little pound or allow yourself to feel shamed for eating something not what you deem as healthy.

I cannot allow my addictive behavior to override what is healthy or sensible. I will not allow myself to be that person who ends up going from obese to become unhealthy skinny. And I will admit it is a fear I have. It seriously is taking all I can do to not flee outside. Instead I am going to take a bath, read part of my book and go to bed. I really think this is going to be the hardest part of this journey. It has to be about the whole body not just the scale.

I had an amazing visit with my friends, they have been so supportive of me. He is a marathon runner who teaches swimming, she is just this amazing centered person and they constantly remind me I am enough I AM ENOUGH. They remind me to not beat myself up that it is ok to eat a piece of pizza or a tater wedge. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by the people I am. Family, friends, coworker, people on here I have never met…. I. AM. BLESSED. and I need to embrace that, allow my body and mind and soul to heal a bit from this last year. BUT DANG IT IS HARD!!!!

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21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journal, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

The last couple of weeks have been pretty trying. Family members with serious health issues and just some heart breaking personal family issues. One of the things I found was not everyone understands the journey I am on. I made it clear upfront with people that I was going to be honest and that includes the good and the bad. I also made it clear that I would not be offended or hurt if you choose to not follow along on my journey either on this blog or on my Facebook page. And I will no longer censor myself for the benefit of others.

Reality is life can be great but it can also be tough and if you act is if nothing bothers you well you are not being honest with yourself. I lost someone I thought was a friend.. If she had addressed her “issues” with my posts etc in a different way it would have not had to happen. Sometimes not saying anything is better than saying something you know will hurt them. Being brutally honest at the expense of another persons feelings is cruel if that person is not hurting anyone else. My posts are just that… mine… my feelings my way of seeing things. I am not now nor will I ever be someone else’s science project. I never asked to be her project and honestly I feel lighter having her made it easy for me to say goodbye. I felt I really had to be careful what I said because I allowed her to have power she never really had.

I am the reason for my success in this journey. Yes some people have helped along the way but I am the one who put in the hard work. I have said before that the hardest part of this journey has actually been addressing the feelings that have come up. I have always dealt with pain and anger by running. I lament about people who cut me off in traffic or for some other reason put a damper in my day. I see others do it as well, it is human nature, did I let it destroy my day… no but it happens and sometimes it just plays into things that have gone on through the day. Part of my personality is snarky and some people do not get that and that is ok I cannot be responsible for their seeing something as serious and not in jest.

I won’t lie and say her words did not hurt or sting, they did. A simple I no longer can follow you would have been kinder and worked. To tell my that my woe is me attitude is too much and then make a rambling long winded email on all the bad that is going on in their life (while telling me shit happens and I need to quit feeling sorry for myself) seemed a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. I had decided that maybe it was time to stop sharing my journey but then like every day since I started this I got a personal message from someone I do not know. I had comments on my posts from both people I know and people I do not know and they all told me they appreciate my honesty. That they like that I share the good and the bad, that they need to be reminded it is not all rainbows and lollipops. I am not saying this to be arrogant because honestly it is still hard to accept that anyone would find me inspirational. I have never felt that I had much to offer this world and honestly I still struggle with it.

I did take a few things from the online friendship we had and they will and have helped me but I will not regret saying goodbye to it. One of things I have been doing was sharing the memories from a year ago that pop up because they show just how much growth I have made. Be it different eating to how I handle stressful things. Again if someone does not take the time to read that it is a memory from the past that is on them not me.

So that said I spent a good week off and on in tears. I do not like when people do not like me or are mad at me. I beat myself up if I think I have hurt someone (another reason I tend to censor). I had good conversations with my friend from work, looked at pictures of my sweet lil grandbaby, said prayers and meditated and felt a bit more zen. I hiked and I sat on my deck and pondered what exactly it is I am doing with my life now. I still need to lose a bit more, I need to work on toning my body and my mind. I need to figure out who I am now and I decided I will no longer stress if people do not want to be in my life or go along on this journey. I also realized I am not done on this journey in fact I may actually just be starting and because so many have asked me to continue to share I will do so.

My daughter brought my grandson and his mommy to Prineville for a day visit. It was wonderful. He is the sweetest happiest little guy and it was great seeing Kayla and Megan. I cannot share pictures of my beautiful grandbaby online but trust me he is handsome! We hiked around the lake while Megan and Kayla attempted to fish, all Kayla caught was the end of her pole. I have done two dog sitting gigs and lots of hiking which always make me feel better. I am 10 days from my one year and I am DAMN proud of what I have accomplished.

21 Day Fix, Change, Happiness, Journal, joy, Uncategorized

The Mind is a Confusing Thing

In my mind I am still overweight Theresa I honestly do not think of myself differently. I still find myself going to the plus size section to look at clothes etc. Periodically at work I will run across someone I have not seen in awhile. Today one of our retired engineers who does periodic work for us was in the office. I passed him and said hi, he had no idea who I was. When I got back to my desk he saw me again and came over. His shock was hilarious! He said he had no idea who I was earlier. 2 weeks ago I had to introduce myself to a woman I had worked with for 10 years I had to use my full name!

It is still so weird, scary, uncomfortable, flattering, mind boggling and humbling the amount of people who want to talk to me about my transformation and ask me questions about it.

I had a couple of epiphanies this week. One was a song I had not heard in a long time. I used to drive and sing it sobbing trying not to cross the yellow line and ending the pain. I heard it this week and started crying but realized they were good tears, my mind has shifted so much that the lyrics mean hope now not despair. The second was I was smiling at a lady and she said your eyes just sparkle now, they show genuine happiness and I actually felt it if that makes sense.

I love you all, love this blog, love my life and most importantly for the first time in 40 years love ME. I no longer spend my days thinking how much easier it would be to end it if I did not have my amazing kids to keep me in it but rather how I can make the days last longer.

I picked up several books today and am excited to get started on them. One is called Instant Happy Journal. It is a 365 days of inspirations, gratitude and joy book! I am going to randomly pick one page a day and see what happens! I am also going to work at being better about blogging!

Please love yourselves, never give up you are worth this!!!20160610_163252