Birthday, Change, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, obsession, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized, What If's

Me

I really needed to clear my mind. I woke up super early from pain so sat outside and watched the sunrise. I decided even though I cannot go for an actual hike or long walk (damn pinched nerve) I could go to one of my favorite places and walk to the bench. I love how this tiny little walk gives so much beauty. I took a PB&J and sat and just enjoyed. As I was going back to my car I spied a deer looking at me❤️

I am learning to listen to my body to not get caught up in what I used to do. A tiny gentle walk is beneficial in clearing my mind, loosening up my muscles that hurt so bad I can barely move. While it makes other areas hurt a bit more it is needed.

My body is at this crossroad, an odd difficult balancing act that is constantly changing. What helps one area hurts another. What is the norm to try to heal one area is actually NOT good for another. It is not as simple as just stretching or walking or exercises.

I love my doctors as they have not given up on me, they listen, suggest, scratch their heads in confusion and look up ways to help me. They let me cry in frustration and pain. They do not minimize or make my issue seem minimal.

I learned a lot from the first 11 months and although I lost 120 pounds and cured my diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure and a host of other issues, I also lost sight of why I was doing it. It was never about massive weight loss but rather about taking back my life. Losing weight was part of it but mostly I just wanted to eliminate the amount of meds and to lose the emotional baggage that I have carried for 35 plus years.

I quickly lost sight of that and became obsessed with losing the weight, how many miles a day I could hike and how fast I could do it in and the next day repeating it and trying to beat what I did the day before. I was talking to my friend about it and she said she and others worried about my obsession. It was unhealthy. I can remember getting to my car and being in so much pain I could barely get in it and then once I would get home I would eat and go for another one. I weighed myself several times a day. Addictive personalities can be so hard to keep in check and mine was out of control. Those walks also helped clear my mind but so does a smaller one. I was not seeing things around me only my fitbit and how many miles and how fast. I have learned to slow down and man there is so much beauty to be seen if you just slow down.

So here I am 80 pounds heavier, more pain than I have ever been in, depressed for so many reasons, many I cannot talk about, frustrated beyond measure and yet… I have so much hope. Tuesday is my 53rd birthday and I am nowhere near where I had envisioned I would be 3 years ago when I started this. This year for my birthday I am gifting myself permission to listen to ME, to use the wisdom I have gained over the last 3 years. To not feel bad about doing it my way. I know what works for me and what will not. Permission to cry, scream, be lazy, be busy, jump for joy…ok that hurts my back but whatevs!!!
I cannot travel much as driving and sitting are brutal pain wise so I have filled my summer with so many dog sitting and house sitting jobs it is crazy. It fills me with joy and fills in some of the emptiness of not having some people in my life. For the first time I went on a trip by myself. It was blissful and amazing and empowering. It was a short drive and the days were spent wandering the beach and trails.
I don’t want to be known as Theresa the rape victim, yes it is a part of me but I have let it be all of me. I feel like I am disrespecting survivors by letting go and I know that does not make sense but it is one of the most difficult things to not feel guilty about letting go of, it feels like pretending it did not happen. I do not want to be Theresa who complains endlessly of her back pain but reality is that is me… maybe I can help someone else or they can help me. I want to be Theresa the lady who moved on, who although she is not pretending those things did not happen, she let it go and finds happy again. I want to be Theresa who does not feel guilty about every little thing she says or does.
Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Baby got Back…or will get Back!

I have had a lot of facebook memories popping up the last few months. Most involve having met my weight loss goal and the back issues I have had the last year or so. I got derailed, stopped blogging and lost sight of things. In my effort to get fit and lose weight I messed up my back and hip. I was walking 10-15 miles every single day for the better part of a year. I pushed myself, lost sight of the joy I had gotten from being out doors and was more obsessed with how fast and how far I could go. Having an addictive personality is a double edged sword.

Thus started my gaining 80 of the 120 I had lost. Losing the joy I had gained by being outdoors. Depression setting back in. Mostly non stop steroid for more than a year. I was lucky enough to find an amazing doctor who tried every single thing he could think of before sending me to another wonderful doctor. After more than a year of steroids and spinal shots they decided to do RFA. Basically they pinpoint which nerves are being pissy and they cauterize them. The hope is they will stop shooting pain signals to my brain. It is likely IF it is successful that I will need it done a time or two more to stop them regenerating. Success if usually 60% relief which 200% better than what I am having.

This is whole new path for me. The pain is vastly different in the last week. My butt cheek on the good side goes numb when I stand or walk. The good sides lower leg hurts and feels on fire. They did both sides but I still am a bit shocked at how the good side is the problem child right now. I have done a ton of research and the back feeling sunburned is normal and lasts a couple of weeks. I assume the butt and leg issue on the good side is just the pissing off of nerves that were only slightly mad. It is a rather interesting procedure but invasive so causes a lot of angry nerves! On the plus side the bad side is still somewhat numbed from the steroids etc so I am not feeling it on both sides….yet! It is a new journey, I have to strengthen my core… a core I do not have due to multiple surgeries. It weakens your back so it is essential to get a core and strengthen my back muscles or this has been for not.

radio_frequency_ablation_y

Going forward is going to be about taking it slow and easy but consistently working on it. I am focusing on my eating again, doing small walks and exercises the therapist has given me. Today I decided to drive to get some organic veggies. I love wandering through looking at the different types of veggies and fruits they offer. They had these amazing beautiful flowers. I am forcing myself to enjoy the everyday beauty. Until I can get back to my hiking and the views it gives I have to find new kinds of pretty.

Yesterday on the way home from work I drove up to one of my favorite spots in the city. Mt. Tabor was so important to me when I was first walking and losing. It is this gorgeous oasis in the middle of our city. Yesterday I walked around the reservoir. Such a tiny little walk but was gorgeous and so quiet and felt oh so good! There was a British gent there who was reading, having tea and just chilling with his pup.

So here I am on a new venture with the same outcome hopes but a very different path. I started my journey on 7-20-2015. On 2-09-2018 I took a different fork in the path. Along with 2 friends we have decided to weigh every Friday at work, I will also measure and take a picture every other week. Being honest and sharing was so helpful to me last time I am going to do it again. So stats for the last 3 week are as follows…drum roll please….

2-09-18

  • Weight 265
  • Neck 15 1/2
  • Arm  L 15 1/2  R 15 1/2
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 50
  • Hip 51 1/2
  • Thigh L 23  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

2-16-18

  • Weight 259

2-23-18

  • Weight 257.5
  • Neck 15
  • Arm  L 15  R 15
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 48 3/4
  • Hip 51
  • Thigh L 22 1/2  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

I took a lot of pictures through the first year I lost all the weight. It is so telling way more than the scale. These are 2 weeks apart and you can see how cutting the carbs and eating more, drinking more water makes a difference in the bloat.

02-09_02-23

Here are some pictures from the first year. I like to keep it handy, it reminds me where I was, where I got and how I can get back there again. It was never really about the loss of pounds on the scale although I did become obsessed with it. It is about feeling good in my skin, being as healthy as I can be and being able to be active. 170109

3-2-2018

  • Weight 253

So here I am back at square one but I have high hopes… hopes my back issues will get better, hopes my depression will ease, hopes I can hike again, hopes that even though I will stumble I will remember to always get back up

 

Clean_Eating, Crafts, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journal, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Uncategorized

Unhurried Adventures for 2018

2017 was not the best year. It was full of sadness, loss, pain, the unknown sprinkled with a bit of joy. It was a year where my body betrayed me after all the punishing hiking I did to it the year prior. A year of gaining back most of the weight I worked so hard to lose. A year of losing a dear friend who walked the same path to get our health back only to lose her life to cancer. A year of not being in the lives of some of the most important people to me. A year of me slowly sliding back to the Theresa I was prior to July 2015 when I decided to try and take my life back or rather find the life I know I deserve and never allowed.

But 2017 was also a learning year and I have high hopes for 2018. I spent most of 2017 on steroids and that is toxic and brutal to your system. I cannot blame all of my weight gain on them but that is a huge part of it. The gain, bloat and topped off with manic highs and lows due to it were brutal. I love my doctor, he is so genuinely interested in figuring out a solution to my back and hip issues. He has never given up and honors my wish to not be put on pain meds for the pain. I am feeling very optimistic that we finally hit the spot!! The last shot was in a cyst they found on my spine and although I am not close to being pain free, I am also not in that constant never ending cannot get it out of your mind pain level!

I decided 2018 is going to be my year to slow down and refocus my goals. I have always been in a hurry. A hurry to get to the store, to work, to listen to others, to eat, to walk, you name it and I will hurry through it. One upside to hurting myself was being forced to slow down on my walks. It is amazing what you miss when all you are focused on is going fast and getting to the goal. I found this awesome book so treated myself to it. It basically is about slowing down and taking your time. It is full of the most amazing things to do. The writing is beautiful and their FB page has all these wonderful memes to share and have others comment on. I am really looking forward to making my FB page more toward what I had intended it to be. One of the chapters has these wonderful cards that you pop out of the book and fill out. I love their idea of putting them in a jar and pulling them out when you need a reminder of how beautiful life can be.

I am excited to see what 2018 brings. I cannot wait to share more chapters of this book because it is so wonderful. If you are interested in it I would suggest purchasing through Amazon, it is on sale as we speak. One of the quotes in the book was this…. and let me tell you it hit hard for me this year. I lost one beautiful friend and I have another beautiful friend fighting for her life. My friends lost their loved ones… we get busy, we take for granted they will always be there. The first chapter of this book is from the perspective of the author and her friend who nearly died… That friend taught her to slow down, take time out of your day. Make your life and time a priority sometimes. Even a 10 minute meet up for a quick coffee could make all the difference in the world.

I shouldn’t have to wait for my friend to get sick for us to share wonderful moments together

Here is to an amazing and unhurried 2018 my friends~

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Sometimes You Have to Veer From the Path

I made a decision today… well I made the decision to not give up long ago but today I decided to start blogging again. I have had lots of people who used to follow me ask me when I was going to share again and that they are looking forward to hearing what I find works for my back. So many people suffer pain.

My decision is to take a different path on this journey. I am going to back track my back hip issues, explain how I got here and what I have done so far. I think it will help me as well. Reality is this pain likely will never subside but I will do what I can to make it manageable. Twice this week I had to stay home from work and that just is not ok in my book. Thankfully I do have the option to work from home 2 days a week and that will help with icing etc.

A bit ago I decided to work my way to the bathroom and shower… amazing how not only a steamy hot shower helps the muscles a bit but just mentally is kind of a clean start. I am taking part in a spine clinic and one of the gals said when her pain gets overwhelming and she is home she changes her socks, brushes her teeth and spritzes her face. A silly sounding thing but it just helps start anew.

I took two pictures that sum up how I feel today…I have spent the last week off and on in tears from the pain and frustration. I am bloated, I cannot hike, I am gaining, have to go back on steroids again and on and on BUT I can walk, my pain is constant but not this bad always… this is a flair and it will pass and I am lucky… some in my group never have it pass. I will take another picture in a week and have it be authentic… it will be interesting to see the changes.

I am a solitary creature and that can sometimes be problematic. I am stubborn and often just want to be left to my own devices 😊😊 I am looking forward to this new journey. I am not going to focus and try to not obsess about the weight. But it is hard… to have lost and gained so much freedom and now to have stepped so far back is heart breaking to me. Most will not understand and that is ok because even though it is a number to me it symbolizes so much more.

Getting my mind focused and working on solutions is going to ultimately help me lose the steroid bloat and gain once I am done with them.. losing that weight will help my pain, it will lower all my blood test numbers again.

Because reality is if you focus on health, wellness, eating as clean as possible you will lose. When I first started I was unable to do much more than get to work. The first month I just ate as clean as possible no exercises and lost, the second month I could barely walk the perimeter of my parking lot without painful shin splints and yet I still lost.

So no excuses. As long as I am taking steroids and the shots I will not lose and will likely gain BUT I can minimize it by being healthy so when I can get back to being active it won’t be as hard and man nothing felt as good as that clean eating. Today an FB memory popped up and it was painful… but it is something I cannot change so I share my pain with my friend and move on until the next time.

We have to choose a goal to work on over a 3 month period at the end of this clinic. Mine is going to be get up to 10K in steps. I can never go back to monster hiking daily but end goal will be to be able to do them on weekends and to finish my goal of being able to gently jog or run…it is so important to me so I will be patient❤️

I sat on my deck writing this, it is so nice and dual blessing the cast iron chair works as an ice pack 😂😂. I am feeling strangely slightly happy at this very moment… I will take it. Sweet dreams friends❤️

Birthday, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Birthday to Me

I have always thought families who go to exotic vacation places or Disneyland had all the luck…that was until last year. My daughter and I took a 10 day trip to the coast and mountains and it was the best time I have ever had. I wish I had appreciated the family vacations we had when I was young. We may not have gotten to go to an over crowded Disney or beach but we had fun. We stepped out of our comfort zone and made memories that will never leave me. I am not a fan of water and even less a fan if there is a snake in it but we swam in the purest clearest water right after seeing a snake.

We drove in the mountains, drove to the very top of one of them on a road that was very narrow… another thing I am petrified of is heights! We rode the tram to the top of the mountain and we sat on the edge of the cliffs and looked at the ocean. We sailed the ocean blue, we met a wonderful woman and Kayla introduced me to her friends who in turn introduced us to a wonderful man that had a yacht that we hung out on another thing I am not comfortable on. I got to meet the man and woman who treated my daughter like their own. I saved my daughter from the clutches of Sasquatch and the virgin sacrificial alter. We collected so many sand dollars we could barely carry them. We saw a herd of Elk on the beach and laughed like never before.

I got to test my ability to stay true to my new healthy lifestyle and did a pretty good job of it. When we did have pizza it was fresh and made with butternut squash and fresh made cheese etc.

Life got in the way and we were not able to do it this year. Money, a messed up back and hip that do not allow me to travel and just life in general. But you know what….next year we will enjoy it even more since we have to wait for it.

I love the city I live in, although the biggest in Oregon it seems small. It is quirky and full of amazing kind people….and full of some really horrible people. The last few weeks have been so difficult for the community. We have had so many murders and hate crimes, the most recent were two men who died and another young man who barely survived. 3 heroes who stood up against evil and wrong and did not waiver from their beliefs. They stood up for 2 innocent 16 year old girls who were being verbally assaulted by an aggressive and dangerous white supremacist/terrorist. A man who openly calls for the murder of police and anyone he deems not good enough to be in this world.

I guess for me that is my final line in the sand…. I have drawn many since #45 took office but this…this is different. I can no longer tolerate people I know that support him or call for hate or intolerance against Muslims or anyone else. I stand up when I see things, I have learned to be a bit more careful in how I address it but I will not be silenced I will not let those men have died or been injured have it be in vain. The mother of the young man murdered came to town for a memorial and she was captured lovingly holding the face of a Muslim woman with her hands and a smile. That is inspiration and I am going to try my best to be that kind of human.

My friends from work got me beautiful flowers from one of their gardens, my buddy bought me these awesome measuring cups I had been admiring and held them for me until my birthday! I do not need expensive bouquets or gifts. I decided to give myself several birthday gifts this year. I love coffee and hate spending what it costs at Starbucks. I have tried in vain to make good coffee to no avail. BUT I heard great things about the Chemex carafe and treated myself. My first cup was a success!! My friend Pam made me promise to take my birthday balloon with me if I did anything over the weekend and take pictures! We went to 3 different creeks, a farmers market, saw an abandoned church and hung out on my deck.

It has been a tough year for me health and emotional wise. My best birthday gift to myself this year will be to spend less time on social media, it is toxic. To work on getting healthy both physically and mentally and not let other opinions of how I do it affect me. It is my journey and mine alone. I will keep those who support me in my life and likely say goodbye to a few who just have vastly different ideas of what is right and wrong.

I will try to be less angry and judgmental. I will stand up for what is right and just. I will not sacrifice my happiness by staying silent any longer. I will try very very hard to see the other side of the picture, to rationally look at it before rushing to judgement and I will try to not let guilt rule how I choose.

Allow yourself to be a beginner.  No one starts off being wise.  Do the best you can until you know better.  Once you know better, do better.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Cancer, Change, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Sadness, Uncategorized

A Time to Live (day 5 of 30)

OK_meme

Sometimes I get that needed reminder of how truly blessed I am. Although I know I am lucky sometimes… it just doesn’t help. And then…. something like this comes along. Regardless of the pain I am in, this women has been dealt a death sentence and her attitude is nothing short of amazing. I LOVE BBC Stories, they are so inspirational and really help me realize how blessed I am. They inspire, make me cry, make me laugh and make me want to be a better person. I had decided what I was going to do today’s blog on and then I saw this video and, well, this is more important.

I think the most important take from her talk is this…

This disease will probably take your mother….it is up to you if you let it take your future.

It is so easy to get mired down in your problems big or small, it does not matter, they still can be difficult. It is the way we chose to handle them, it is how we choose to honor our loved ones and live our lives that matter. I am slowly coming to the reality that I will likely be in pain the rest of my life. What level of pain remains to be seen. But I have let is side line me and derail me the last year and it is time to stop.

I often think if maybe I just had one or two issues I could better deal with it. I truly think that one act so many years ago has just permeated every fiber of my being. Just when I think I have it handled something happens and it comes back. I am realizing that this will be a life time battle for me and I am ok with that. It is going to make me stronger I will not let it kill me. I tend to minimize the level of emotional and physical pain I am in. I have made a lifetime of hiding so now I need to figure out how to stop doing that.

So tonight’s blog is going to be short, please if you do nothing else take a moment to watch the link called A Time to Live.

BBC Stories

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FBBCStories%2Fvideos%2F10155054941505659%2F&show_text=0&width=400“>A Time to Live

The gift of now.

In between all your goals, priorities, obligations, and everything else that might appear on one of your upcoming to-do lists, there are moments called “life” that still have to be lived and enjoyed.

The trick is to make the very best of now, and value it for what it’s worth.  In other words, don’t wish all your time away by waiting for better times ahead.  Smile, right now, because you can.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Forgiveness & Breaking up with Starbucks (day 4 of 30)

I am a notorious grudge holder and beater upper of myself. For as long as I can remember I have been that person who never forgets and rarely if ever forgives. Of course little offenses I can let go of but if in my mind it is heinous I will never ever let go. It is a huge flaw of mine. Although I know it can be painful for those on the receiving end of my anger it is probably more damaging to me. It eats me up inside… I know in my head that forgiving someone does not mean what they did is ok but for your own well being you have to let it go or it will destroy you… I know that in my head but my heart just struggles with it. I draw a line and I think perhaps I think they will think they can cross that line if I say I forgive them… I know you can forgive in your heart, you never need say a word to the offender but if you do not let it go and move on it will destroy you and those around you.

I am also riddled with guilt for past things. Things that I have either been forgiven for or have been told there was no need to think I need forgiveness as they never viewed it as being something that bad. I hate people being angry at me or hurting, I will to my own detriment smooth things over so they are not hurting. Again it is a flaw… it is not good for me or them. My mom and I were having a conversation the other day and she asked if I saw her comment on my blog. In it she said I did not need forgiveness and even if I did I had been long ago forgiven. I feel such guilt for so many things, it eats me up inside.

So on my way into work I was thinking how she tells me over and over I have no need to feel guilt, but in our conversation, and many other conversations we have had, she tells me how much guilt she feels for having been a screamer when we were young. Honestly I do not recall it, I think she had a stern voice, she definitely did the spanking or grounding if it was needed. My dad never ever spanked us, he rarely ever raised his voice and he made my mom do all the punishment. That does not make him a bad father or husband but it really put my mom in a bad spot. Instead of standing with her he was standing behind her. So mom…. even though you do not need forgiveness and even if you did I has long ago been forgiven I forgive you for what ever perception you have of being a screamer. Let’s pinky swear to try and let it go. We did the best we could and we both did an ok job!

So you ask what the heck does Starbucks and forgiveness have to do with anything…. I just decided that I am going to try my best to break up with Starbucks… it is expensive, I use too much cream, I have a coffee maker and can make my own. BUT they are so sweet to me… I know it is their job and damn it works really good. They know my name, they see me in the mall and stop to chat with me, they engage me in conversation and all for the cheap cheap price of $4.05! My friend watched a special on how tech companies are hacking our brains…. and damned if it is not true! STARBUCKS and their barista’s are doing the same thing GIVE ME BACK MY BRAIN!!! Ok so maybe that is a stretch but it is so ingrained in me that even when I have no intention of getting one I find myself driving right to one. He equates it to a slot machine… It really is an incredible article, here is the link if your interested. STOP HACKING MY BRAIN

“…every time I check my phone, I’m playing the slot machine to see, ‘What did I get?’ This is one way to hijack people’s minds and create a habit, to form a habit.”

So my goal is to try to do a week without buying a coffee or tea. I am also going to start doing my smoothies again. I think I use the excuse I do not have Shakeology anymore and so I just avoid it but I am slipping back into so many bad habits. I am bloated and miserable. When I first started this 2 years ago I went for 6 months with no coffee. I know I can do it, it is rewiring my brain and creating new habits again. It’s been wonderful Starbucks but our time has to end, you are not good for me, you are an expensive habit with no reward… parting is such sweet sorrow…

20170517_182943.jpg

I am thankful for clarity even though at times it is horribly painful to realize you know what needs to be done and you just cannot get it done… mental blocks suck! So here is to a week with no buying coffee, if I want it I have to make it, to a week of at least one smoothie a day. It is such a great way to get my veggies in. I am tired of being tired and bloated and feeling like crud. I am likely going to have issues with my back for life so I have to get this weight back off, focus on healthy eating that will help with swelling etc. I need to get to where I am not in so much pain that I cannot get home to see my sweet little grandbaby. It is killing me to not get to know him. So there ya go!

What your daily struggles are teaching you.

Challenges are what make life interesting; working to overcome them is what gives life meaning.

Failure and struggles keep you humble, success and achievement keep you glowing, but only faith and determination keeps you going.  So stay focused, and celebrate your efforts too, not just your outcomes.

Remember that the opposite of failing is not succeeding; the opposite of failing is trying.  Your daily efforts are what make it all possible.  Appreciate what they teach you, even when they don’t lead you to an ideal outcome.

 

Change, Exercise, Fear, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Be a Chive & Never Give Up (day 3 of 30)

I am cheating today and re-using a blog I did a year ago today. The sentiment is much the same so will just elaborate on it a bit.

The original intent of this blog was to be honest about my struggles, victories and everything in between in my effort to heal and find myself. Somewhere along the lines (actually from almost the start) I put all this pressure to be positive and only post positive upbeat things. But my reality is I am far from Ms. Positive, I struggle with being happy, I put on a fairly good front but it is just that. I need to be more honest about what I am feeling and going through. I am always so worried that I will hurt someone or disappoint and only end up hurting and disappointing me.

Not sure why I am in a funk but I am. I am eating what I should not eat, I am not sleeping, not exercising, not doing much of anything but crying and working. It will pass it always does.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I have not been a good friend to those I love. They have suffered losses and setbacks and just life in general and I have been stuck in this … whatever THIS is. I need to work on being the friend I know I can be and should be. Hug your loved ones and friends, tell them they matter… I miss my babies and grandbaby so much, I hate that my body is not allowing me to go to Burns.

I am tired and part of why I cannot sleep is I just cannot shut my brain off.. It just rambles on and on and on. I just want one night of my mind being shut off. I try yoga but between my tailbone I broke, my hip and my back sitting does not work and then….there is the not being able to focus because my brain won’t shut down. Nothing spectacular to blog about. I am sad, it will pass… I took a picture of this one lone little chive. I bought these planters 2 years ago and after the first season never bothered with them but every year in spite of the snow, rain, freezing ice, this one lone little chive pops back up…. I guess in a way I am like that little chive.

20170513_091415

Every single experience that led you to today.

Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment.  It’s about the trials and errors that get you there – the blood, sweat, and tears – the small, inconsequential things you do every day.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with coworkers you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.

All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.  All of this has made you who you are today.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life