Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Sometimes You Have to Veer From the Path

I made a decision today… well I made the decision to not give up long ago but today I decided to start blogging again. I have had lots of people who used to follow me ask me when I was going to share again and that they are looking forward to hearing what I find works for my back. So many people suffer pain.

My decision is to take a different path on this journey. I am going to back track my back hip issues, explain how I got here and what I have done so far. I think it will help me as well. Reality is this pain likely will never subside but I will do what I can to make it manageable. Twice this week I had to stay home from work and that just is not ok in my book. Thankfully I do have the option to work from home 2 days a week and that will help with icing etc.

A bit ago I decided to work my way to the bathroom and shower… amazing how not only a steamy hot shower helps the muscles a bit but just mentally is kind of a clean start. I am taking part in a spine clinic and one of the gals said when her pain gets overwhelming and she is home she changes her socks, brushes her teeth and spritzes her face. A silly sounding thing but it just helps start anew.

I took two pictures that sum up how I feel today…I have spent the last week off and on in tears from the pain and frustration. I am bloated, I cannot hike, I am gaining, have to go back on steroids again and on and on BUT I can walk, my pain is constant but not this bad always… this is a flair and it will pass and I am lucky… some in my group never have it pass. I will take another picture in a week and have it be authentic… it will be interesting to see the changes.

I am a solitary creature and that can sometimes be problematic. I am stubborn and often just want to be left to my own devices 😊😊 I am looking forward to this new journey. I am not going to focus and try to not obsess about the weight. But it is hard… to have lost and gained so much freedom and now to have stepped so far back is heart breaking to me. Most will not understand and that is ok because even though it is a number to me it symbolizes so much more.

Getting my mind focused and working on solutions is going to ultimately help me lose the steroid bloat and gain once I am done with them.. losing that weight will help my pain, it will lower all my blood test numbers again.

Because reality is if you focus on health, wellness, eating as clean as possible you will lose. When I first started I was unable to do much more than get to work. The first month I just ate as clean as possible no exercises and lost, the second month I could barely walk the perimeter of my parking lot without painful shin splints and yet I still lost.

So no excuses. As long as I am taking steroids and the shots I will not lose and will likely gain BUT I can minimize it by being healthy so when I can get back to being active it won’t be as hard and man nothing felt as good as that clean eating. Today an FB memory popped up and it was painful… but it is something I cannot change so I share my pain with my friend and move on until the next time.

We have to choose a goal to work on over a 3 month period at the end of this clinic. Mine is going to be get up to 10K in steps. I can never go back to monster hiking daily but end goal will be to be able to do them on weekends and to finish my goal of being able to gently jog or run…it is so important to me so I will be patient❤️

I sat on my deck writing this, it is so nice and dual blessing the cast iron chair works as an ice pack 😂😂. I am feeling strangely slightly happy at this very moment… I will take it. Sweet dreams friends❤️

Birthday, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Birthday to Me

I have always thought families who go to exotic vacation places or Disneyland had all the luck…that was until last year. My daughter and I took a 10 day trip to the coast and mountains and it was the best time I have ever had. I wish I had appreciated the family vacations we had when I was young. We may not have gotten to go to an over crowded Disney or beach but we had fun. We stepped out of our comfort zone and made memories that will never leave me. I am not a fan of water and even less a fan if there is a snake in it but we swam in the purest clearest water right after seeing a snake.

We drove in the mountains, drove to the very top of one of them on a road that was very narrow… another thing I am petrified of is heights! We rode the tram to the top of the mountain and we sat on the edge of the cliffs and looked at the ocean. We sailed the ocean blue, we met a wonderful woman and Kayla introduced me to her friends who in turn introduced us to a wonderful man that had a yacht that we hung out on another thing I am not comfortable on. I got to meet the man and woman who treated my daughter like their own. I saved my daughter from the clutches of Sasquatch and the virgin sacrificial alter. We collected so many sand dollars we could barely carry them. We saw a herd of Elk on the beach and laughed like never before.

I got to test my ability to stay true to my new healthy lifestyle and did a pretty good job of it. When we did have pizza it was fresh and made with butternut squash and fresh made cheese etc.

Life got in the way and we were not able to do it this year. Money, a messed up back and hip that do not allow me to travel and just life in general. But you know what….next year we will enjoy it even more since we have to wait for it.

I love the city I live in, although the biggest in Oregon it seems small. It is quirky and full of amazing kind people….and full of some really horrible people. The last few weeks have been so difficult for the community. We have had so many murders and hate crimes, the most recent were two men who died and another young man who barely survived. 3 heroes who stood up against evil and wrong and did not waiver from their beliefs. They stood up for 2 innocent 16 year old girls who were being verbally assaulted by an aggressive and dangerous white supremacist/terrorist. A man who openly calls for the murder of police and anyone he deems not good enough to be in this world.

I guess for me that is my final line in the sand…. I have drawn many since #45 took office but this…this is different. I can no longer tolerate people I know that support him or call for hate or intolerance against Muslims or anyone else. I stand up when I see things, I have learned to be a bit more careful in how I address it but I will not be silenced I will not let those men have died or been injured have it be in vain. The mother of the young man murdered came to town for a memorial and she was captured lovingly holding the face of a Muslim woman with her hands and a smile. That is inspiration and I am going to try my best to be that kind of human.

My friends from work got me beautiful flowers from one of their gardens, my buddy bought me these awesome measuring cups I had been admiring and held them for me until my birthday! I do not need expensive bouquets or gifts. I decided to give myself several birthday gifts this year. I love coffee and hate spending what it costs at Starbucks. I have tried in vain to make good coffee to no avail. BUT I heard great things about the Chemex carafe and treated myself. My first cup was a success!! My friend Pam made me promise to take my birthday balloon with me if I did anything over the weekend and take pictures! We went to 3 different creeks, a farmers market, saw an abandoned church and hung out on my deck.

It has been a tough year for me health and emotional wise. My best birthday gift to myself this year will be to spend less time on social media, it is toxic. To work on getting healthy both physically and mentally and not let other opinions of how I do it affect me. It is my journey and mine alone. I will keep those who support me in my life and likely say goodbye to a few who just have vastly different ideas of what is right and wrong.

I will try to be less angry and judgmental. I will stand up for what is right and just. I will not sacrifice my happiness by staying silent any longer. I will try very very hard to see the other side of the picture, to rationally look at it before rushing to judgement and I will try to not let guilt rule how I choose.

Allow yourself to be a beginner.  No one starts off being wise.  Do the best you can until you know better.  Once you know better, do better.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Cancer, Change, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Sadness, Uncategorized

A Time to Live (day 5 of 30)

OK_meme

Sometimes I get that needed reminder of how truly blessed I am. Although I know I am lucky sometimes… it just doesn’t help. And then…. something like this comes along. Regardless of the pain I am in, this women has been dealt a death sentence and her attitude is nothing short of amazing. I LOVE BBC Stories, they are so inspirational and really help me realize how blessed I am. They inspire, make me cry, make me laugh and make me want to be a better person. I had decided what I was going to do today’s blog on and then I saw this video and, well, this is more important.

I think the most important take from her talk is this…

This disease will probably take your mother….it is up to you if you let it take your future.

It is so easy to get mired down in your problems big or small, it does not matter, they still can be difficult. It is the way we chose to handle them, it is how we choose to honor our loved ones and live our lives that matter. I am slowly coming to the reality that I will likely be in pain the rest of my life. What level of pain remains to be seen. But I have let is side line me and derail me the last year and it is time to stop.

I often think if maybe I just had one or two issues I could better deal with it. I truly think that one act so many years ago has just permeated every fiber of my being. Just when I think I have it handled something happens and it comes back. I am realizing that this will be a life time battle for me and I am ok with that. It is going to make me stronger I will not let it kill me. I tend to minimize the level of emotional and physical pain I am in. I have made a lifetime of hiding so now I need to figure out how to stop doing that.

So tonight’s blog is going to be short, please if you do nothing else take a moment to watch the link called A Time to Live.

BBC Stories

https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2FBBCStories%2Fvideos%2F10155054941505659%2F&show_text=0&width=400“>A Time to Live

The gift of now.

In between all your goals, priorities, obligations, and everything else that might appear on one of your upcoming to-do lists, there are moments called “life” that still have to be lived and enjoyed.

The trick is to make the very best of now, and value it for what it’s worth.  In other words, don’t wish all your time away by waiting for better times ahead.  Smile, right now, because you can.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Forgiveness & Breaking up with Starbucks (day 4 of 30)

I am a notorious grudge holder and beater upper of myself. For as long as I can remember I have been that person who never forgets and rarely if ever forgives. Of course little offenses I can let go of but if in my mind it is heinous I will never ever let go. It is a huge flaw of mine. Although I know it can be painful for those on the receiving end of my anger it is probably more damaging to me. It eats me up inside… I know in my head that forgiving someone does not mean what they did is ok but for your own well being you have to let it go or it will destroy you… I know that in my head but my heart just struggles with it. I draw a line and I think perhaps I think they will think they can cross that line if I say I forgive them… I know you can forgive in your heart, you never need say a word to the offender but if you do not let it go and move on it will destroy you and those around you.

I am also riddled with guilt for past things. Things that I have either been forgiven for or have been told there was no need to think I need forgiveness as they never viewed it as being something that bad. I hate people being angry at me or hurting, I will to my own detriment smooth things over so they are not hurting. Again it is a flaw… it is not good for me or them. My mom and I were having a conversation the other day and she asked if I saw her comment on my blog. In it she said I did not need forgiveness and even if I did I had been long ago forgiven. I feel such guilt for so many things, it eats me up inside.

So on my way into work I was thinking how she tells me over and over I have no need to feel guilt, but in our conversation, and many other conversations we have had, she tells me how much guilt she feels for having been a screamer when we were young. Honestly I do not recall it, I think she had a stern voice, she definitely did the spanking or grounding if it was needed. My dad never ever spanked us, he rarely ever raised his voice and he made my mom do all the punishment. That does not make him a bad father or husband but it really put my mom in a bad spot. Instead of standing with her he was standing behind her. So mom…. even though you do not need forgiveness and even if you did I has long ago been forgiven I forgive you for what ever perception you have of being a screamer. Let’s pinky swear to try and let it go. We did the best we could and we both did an ok job!

So you ask what the heck does Starbucks and forgiveness have to do with anything…. I just decided that I am going to try my best to break up with Starbucks… it is expensive, I use too much cream, I have a coffee maker and can make my own. BUT they are so sweet to me… I know it is their job and damn it works really good. They know my name, they see me in the mall and stop to chat with me, they engage me in conversation and all for the cheap cheap price of $4.05! My friend watched a special on how tech companies are hacking our brains…. and damned if it is not true! STARBUCKS and their barista’s are doing the same thing GIVE ME BACK MY BRAIN!!! Ok so maybe that is a stretch but it is so ingrained in me that even when I have no intention of getting one I find myself driving right to one. He equates it to a slot machine… It really is an incredible article, here is the link if your interested. STOP HACKING MY BRAIN

“…every time I check my phone, I’m playing the slot machine to see, ‘What did I get?’ This is one way to hijack people’s minds and create a habit, to form a habit.”

So my goal is to try to do a week without buying a coffee or tea. I am also going to start doing my smoothies again. I think I use the excuse I do not have Shakeology anymore and so I just avoid it but I am slipping back into so many bad habits. I am bloated and miserable. When I first started this 2 years ago I went for 6 months with no coffee. I know I can do it, it is rewiring my brain and creating new habits again. It’s been wonderful Starbucks but our time has to end, you are not good for me, you are an expensive habit with no reward… parting is such sweet sorrow…

20170517_182943.jpg

I am thankful for clarity even though at times it is horribly painful to realize you know what needs to be done and you just cannot get it done… mental blocks suck! So here is to a week with no buying coffee, if I want it I have to make it, to a week of at least one smoothie a day. It is such a great way to get my veggies in. I am tired of being tired and bloated and feeling like crud. I am likely going to have issues with my back for life so I have to get this weight back off, focus on healthy eating that will help with swelling etc. I need to get to where I am not in so much pain that I cannot get home to see my sweet little grandbaby. It is killing me to not get to know him. So there ya go!

What your daily struggles are teaching you.

Challenges are what make life interesting; working to overcome them is what gives life meaning.

Failure and struggles keep you humble, success and achievement keep you glowing, but only faith and determination keeps you going.  So stay focused, and celebrate your efforts too, not just your outcomes.

Remember that the opposite of failing is not succeeding; the opposite of failing is trying.  Your daily efforts are what make it all possible.  Appreciate what they teach you, even when they don’t lead you to an ideal outcome.

 

Change, Exercise, Fear, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Be a Chive & Never Give Up (day 3 of 30)

I am cheating today and re-using a blog I did a year ago today. The sentiment is much the same so will just elaborate on it a bit.

The original intent of this blog was to be honest about my struggles, victories and everything in between in my effort to heal and find myself. Somewhere along the lines (actually from almost the start) I put all this pressure to be positive and only post positive upbeat things. But my reality is I am far from Ms. Positive, I struggle with being happy, I put on a fairly good front but it is just that. I need to be more honest about what I am feeling and going through. I am always so worried that I will hurt someone or disappoint and only end up hurting and disappointing me.

Not sure why I am in a funk but I am. I am eating what I should not eat, I am not sleeping, not exercising, not doing much of anything but crying and working. It will pass it always does.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I have not been a good friend to those I love. They have suffered losses and setbacks and just life in general and I have been stuck in this … whatever THIS is. I need to work on being the friend I know I can be and should be. Hug your loved ones and friends, tell them they matter… I miss my babies and grandbaby so much, I hate that my body is not allowing me to go to Burns.

I am tired and part of why I cannot sleep is I just cannot shut my brain off.. It just rambles on and on and on. I just want one night of my mind being shut off. I try yoga but between my tailbone I broke, my hip and my back sitting does not work and then….there is the not being able to focus because my brain won’t shut down. Nothing spectacular to blog about. I am sad, it will pass… I took a picture of this one lone little chive. I bought these planters 2 years ago and after the first season never bothered with them but every year in spite of the snow, rain, freezing ice, this one lone little chive pops back up…. I guess in a way I am like that little chive.

20170513_091415

Every single experience that led you to today.

Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment.  It’s about the trials and errors that get you there – the blood, sweat, and tears – the small, inconsequential things you do every day.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with coworkers you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.

All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.  All of this has made you who you are today.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life