Birthday, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Birthday to Me

I have always thought families who go to exotic vacation places or Disneyland had all the luck…that was until last year. My daughter and I took a 10 day trip to the coast and mountains and it was the best time I have ever had. I wish I had appreciated the family vacations we had when I was young. We may not have gotten to go to an over crowded Disney or beach but we had fun. We stepped out of our comfort zone and made memories that will never leave me. I am not a fan of water and even less a fan if there is a snake in it but we swam in the purest clearest water right after seeing a snake.

We drove in the mountains, drove to the very top of one of them on a road that was very narrow… another thing I am petrified of is heights! We rode the tram to the top of the mountain and we sat on the edge of the cliffs and looked at the ocean. We sailed the ocean blue, we met a wonderful woman and Kayla introduced me to her friends who in turn introduced us to a wonderful man that had a yacht that we hung out on another thing I am not comfortable on. I got to meet the man and woman who treated my daughter like their own. I saved my daughter from the clutches of Sasquatch and the virgin sacrificial alter. We collected so many sand dollars we could barely carry them. We saw a herd of Elk on the beach and laughed like never before.

I got to test my ability to stay true to my new healthy lifestyle and did a pretty good job of it. When we did have pizza it was fresh and made with butternut squash and fresh made cheese etc.

Life got in the way and we were not able to do it this year. Money, a messed up back and hip that do not allow me to travel and just life in general. But you know what….next year we will enjoy it even more since we have to wait for it.

I love the city I live in, although the biggest in Oregon it seems small. It is quirky and full of amazing kind people….and full of some really horrible people. The last few weeks have been so difficult for the community. We have had so many murders and hate crimes, the most recent were two men who died and another young man who barely survived. 3 heroes who stood up against evil and wrong and did not waiver from their beliefs. They stood up for 2 innocent 16 year old girls who were being verbally assaulted by an aggressive and dangerous white supremacist/terrorist. A man who openly calls for the murder of police and anyone he deems not good enough to be in this world.

I guess for me that is my final line in the sand…. I have drawn many since #45 took office but this…this is different. I can no longer tolerate people I know that support him or call for hate or intolerance against Muslims or anyone else. I stand up when I see things, I have learned to be a bit more careful in how I address it but I will not be silenced I will not let those men have died or been injured have it be in vain. The mother of the young man murdered came to town for a memorial and she was captured lovingly holding the face of a Muslim woman with her hands and a smile. That is inspiration and I am going to try my best to be that kind of human.

My friends from work got me beautiful flowers from one of their gardens, my buddy bought me these awesome measuring cups I had been admiring and held them for me until my birthday! I do not need expensive bouquets or gifts. I decided to give myself several birthday gifts this year. I love coffee and hate spending what it costs at Starbucks. I have tried in vain to make good coffee to no avail. BUT I heard great things about the Chemex carafe and treated myself. My first cup was a success!! My friend Pam made me promise to take my birthday balloon with me if I did anything over the weekend and take pictures! We went to 3 different creeks, a farmers market, saw an abandoned church and hung out on my deck.

It has been a tough year for me health and emotional wise. My best birthday gift to myself this year will be to spend less time on social media, it is toxic. To work on getting healthy both physically and mentally and not let other opinions of how I do it affect me. It is my journey and mine alone. I will keep those who support me in my life and likely say goodbye to a few who just have vastly different ideas of what is right and wrong.

I will try to be less angry and judgmental. I will stand up for what is right and just. I will not sacrifice my happiness by staying silent any longer. I will try very very hard to see the other side of the picture, to rationally look at it before rushing to judgement and I will try to not let guilt rule how I choose.

Allow yourself to be a beginner.  No one starts off being wise.  Do the best you can until you know better.  Once you know better, do better.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rape, Safety Pin, Trump, Uncategorized, What If's

I WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING

I have never felt so unloved, alone and abandoned as I do right now. I am tired of being told to get over it and to put my big girl pants on. I am tired of having to try to explain why this election is so different. I am tired of wanting to go back to that person I was who hid in my mind. This is my story and I am but a blip in the world of these stories. I am not going to shut up and I am not going to stop talking about it. This election has empowered people to think they can be openly cruel to anyone deemed inferior and some people I know and care about will never get that… I cannot keep trying to help them understand I just no longer have that energy. So remember my story when you defend those people. Pray that your daughter or son never suffers this indignity. If you have a friend of color or a different religion or is gay, reach out to them, hug them and do not stop because this pain and fear will not end anytime soon. If you are tired of me talking about it feel free to move on it will not hurt my feelings. I am not going to be quiet anymore out of fear or reprisal of losing someone. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to be a white entitled woman. 
I was 14 when I was raped, as I fought him in the back of his car screaming and crying I looked up and saw 2 men looking in. My heart was so relieved…and then they took pictures and laughed and a part of me died that night. I never told a soul what happened until 38 years later. In order to survive my shame I looked at the barrel of a gun or the razor at my wrists… the only thing that saved me was my feeling that I was such a loser that I would not even be successful at killing myself.
 
Instead of suicide I turned to drugs and alcohol. I broke my parents hearts by no longer talking to them, I ended up dropping out of school and stole so I could keep my “boyfriend” high or drunk so he would talk to me or love me. My parents eventually made me a ward of the court and that saved my life. I decided when I was sent away that I would make myself fat so no man would ever hurt me again.
 
I ended up pregnant and married at barely 17. It was not a good marriage. I loved my boy but it was not fair to him I was so damaged I was not the mom he deserved those first few years. I had a daughter with this man as well, spent 14 years married. One day he went to the store and never came back. Neither of us was ready for that marriage. We were better parents separately than together.
 
I spent the next 3 years working multi jobs and spending my time with my amazing children. They were my life line. I ended up marrying the most narcissistic man. In the year we dated he left me at least 6 times and I welcomed him back each time. He made it clear to me I was lucky he was with me, he would call me a crack whore, fat and ugly. My self esteem was so non existent I took him at his word. He cheated and mentally and verbally abused me to the point of my fighting the urge to cross the yellow line on the freeways. When I received the call from a friend that my son was critically injured and they did not think he would live he offered no support. My daughter and I drove 4 hours at midnight to hopefully get to him in time. He did not offer to drive me regardless of the fact I was in shock.. I spent 6 weeks at my sons bedside while he was in the CCU, he came once and only because he wanted to, as he put it, fuck me. Thank God for my daughter who held me up… Eventually he left….
 
14 years later I am still single, still have never had an orgasm and likely never will. The damage done to my insides from my rape and the mental flashbacks to that night anytime a man touches me just does not allow for it. I have been celibate the last 14 years I am not sure I can ever date again. I thought I could I really really thought I was at a spot where maybe I could but that has been taken away again.
 
I gave up drugs and drinking when I was pregnant and made myself a 300 pound “happy” woman. In my mind that was my safety net. A year ago I was told I was going to be a gramma and my doctors said I was going to die if I did not do something. I lost 110 pounds, the equivalent of that 14 year old girl. I shed that sweet innocent victim and now I had no clue as to who I am.. I decided to blog about my journey and be completely honest. It was painful but helped me be honest. My friend supported me, they held me up when I was down, they commented on my blog or posts. They gave me advice and liked my posts. They comforted me when I was broken… and then… the pussy story came out. In that instant everything came rushing back. All the pain and memories were raw again. I saw friends defending him. I was told by some people that I only have gotten to know on here that women are not raped they can simply say no.. I tried to write about why it is dangerous and painful. I got comments but most not in support.
 
And then what little support I did receive stopped on 11-8-16. I am talking people who have felt the need to offer up advice, who held me up in my lowest all of the sudden because of a post regarding why people need to understand voting for Trump is telling many people they do not count. Nothing just crickets on my page. Of the 370 people on my page 3 commented on that post. One is a married gay friend with a child… One is a friend who I used to work with. The ones who get it, who are living it or know someone who is are all I have left and that is enough but man it is painful.. For the first time in years I thought of that yellow line.. my children, mom and grandson are what keep me going. I would never kill myself so do not worry.. But I have never felt such loss as I do right now.
 
I HATE facebook and yet I have a group that supports my weight loss journey that I cannot bare to leave… and I have another group that truly hurts as much as I do. I feel empowered, I am still struggling and I know that life is never going to be the same. I held my friends who were not of the Trump norm, I still hold them and cry with them and likely that will not stop anytime soon. I was walking through the mall on my lunch and there was a homeless girl on a bench sobbing into her hands, a boy was next to her ignoring her. She said something about she is my mom how could she… and I did not hear the rest.
People who did not blatantly ignore her looked at her with disgust. My friend and I walked past and I started crying it broke my heart she is someones daughter. I had to go back. I knelt in front of her and touched her leg, she looked up scared. I took her hand and said I do not know what is hurting her but that my heart hurts for her. That as a mother it breaks my heart to see her so sad. She mouthed thank you but looked back down. I took her beautiful dirty tear stained face in my hands and looked her in her eyes and said I love you, I am so sorry you are hurting but you matter. She asked if she could hug me and we held each other. She gave me such a gift in that moment.
 
So to those who are walking this path with me thank you for giving me a lifeline because I need it… we all need it. I do not know all of you but I love each of you, you are my new family and friends and we are going to make a difference and I am not going to shut up anymore I am not going to let someone shame me and tell me I asked for rape as a 14 year old virgin.
To my friends who are trying to understand and maybe just do not know how to say it or how to respond thank you… 
636144597293154393-screen-shot-2016-11-11-at-11-14-10-am
Change, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Loss, New Beginnings, rape, Uncategorized, What If's

My Story

I have spent the last 2 years writing this particular post. I start then stop then start and then copy and paste and share what I think won’t make people too uncomfortable. If you are uncomfortable by what I write that is on you not me, you can choose to simply move on… I know nothing I say will change some people’s ideas and that is not the intent. The intent is to no longer hide behind shame that is not mine to bare, to perhaps help someone else who is struggling with this self-imposed shame.  A wise friend told me she thinks I am finally ready to work on moving on. That truly was my intent all along when starting this journey. Let me make it clear the only persons who shoulder the guilt are those 3 men. THEY alone are the guilty parties.

The flurry of comments surrounding Trump and his behaviors have set forth emotions I have hidden for years and some emotions I did not even know I felt. It brought forth memories I had buried deep. I am tired, I am heart broken, I am damaged and I want to heal…some scars will never disappear no matter what I do. I guess I just want to stop hiding and I want others to understand how damaging words and actions can be. How far reaching they are, that sometimes no amount of therapy or talking will erase that damage. I realize for the first time how truly deeply damaged I am and it has broken my soul. I want to have the day get here when I no longer feel I have to whisper the word rape. I do not want to have it define my entire being but reality is it is a huge part of me.

I have never been comfortable in my skin. At a very young age I had large breasts and an hour glass figure, well before many other girls. I did not understand why men looked at me or made comments. I spent most of my youth being stared at or having comments made. I was nicknamed jugs, tits, bongos, I was told to not run to hard or I would get a black eye, to not sit down to hard I would get a bloody nose. I would walk through a parking lot and have comments yelled at me, it was not flattering it was uncomfortable. It was never that someone considered me pretty all they saw were giant boobs and hips. Sadly my precious daughter experienced the same issues when we moved to the city.

I went for a ride that fateful day with someone who I trusted. I did not truly know them but they were related to another person I knew very well, they were simply in town visiting. He had been introduced to two local guys and they spent time together. They told him a place he could take me…they showed up shortly after and as I begged and pleaded and cried and turned away from my attacker I was relieved when I saw 2 people outside the car. I thought they would save me instead they stared in the windows laughing and smiling. One even took a picture. A part of me died a little in that moment and my trust of men completely dissolved.

I want people to understand that actions and words hurt. That saying it is not big deal to be spoken to in a demeaning fashion is inexcusable, that allowing that behavior plays a part in why judges give out slaps on the wrists of those abusers. Comparing real actions to those of a novel or movie is ridiculous at best. That one act and words said to me over the years took something from me I will never get back. They defined my interactions with men going forward. It formed who I chose to have relationships with and that was men who I knew were not good for me because in the deep depths of my mind I thought I did not deserve someone who would love me.

The scar tissue damage left me feeling like a virgin every single time I have sex, I am incapable of orgasms, I am incapable of relaxing and enjoying because the pain is always there. I am left fighting to not scream or throw up when being touched. I am left with so much baggage that I cannot allow myself to get in a relationship because it would be unfair to my prospective partner. How do you explain why you cringe or cry when they touch you? Those men took an innocent virgin girl and spun a tale that left my reputation in tatters. I have been with 4 men in my life one of which was my attacker and 2 that I was married to. I did not deserve that reputation. I was not “easy” nor did I sleep around. I had high school guys that would lie to their friends that they slept with me. I grew up in a community that can be amazing to its citizens but there is a side to that community that people do not want to see. That side nearly killed me.

That day eventually let me to using drugs and alcohol to ease my pain. It left me off and on for the next 38 years pondering if it was worth sticking around. It left me for years looking at a bottle of pills, a razor, a gun, or the yellow line on the highway. Thankfully my lack of thinking I could do anything right did not allow me to follow through, I thought I was so worthless that I would not even be able to kill myself. Then I had children and they became my reason to live.

I ended up dropping out of school, I will never forget the day my parents signed the papers for me…my dad had tears in his eyes, their hearts were broken by me that day. I ran away and moved in with a boy whose parents were never there. We drank, we did drugs and he could have cared less about me. In order to touch me he had to be drunk or high and in my desire at the time to be loved I stole so he could be loaded and pay attention to me.

I ended up a ward of the court which is the best gift my parents gave me because it ultimately saved my life. Even though that led me to getting pregnant and marrying a man I met when living with my foster mom that child also helped to save my life. We had so much fun at first, for the first time in a long time I was enjoying life again then I got pregnant and all that shame came flooding back and what joy I had went out the window. My shame at being a pregnant teen was overwhelming (self-imposed).  My sweet precious son paid a price that he did not deserve. I loved him beyond measure but was so incapable of being the kind of mom I should have been to him. Eventually I had two children with this man and my sweet daughter also did not get the life she deserved.

We did not have a good marriage. I was young and had so much baggage it really was not fair to either of us. He tried I did not, I tried he did not, that was the story of our marriage. The lesson I taught my children regarding marriage and relationships was not what it should have been. I spent those years making myself even more overweight thinking that would protect me, when we got divorced I set about keeping anyone at bay.

Then I met and married the single most narcissistic man I have ever met. One who systematically emotionally and verbally destroyed what little bit of love I had for myself. I did not believe I was worthy of love and he drove that point home daily. He cheated and he rubbed it in. He reminded me constantly that I was lucky he was with me, that people would look at us and wonder how I ended up with someone like him (in his mind he thought he was a good thing). I spent several months at the end of that marriage barely able to get out of my bed and to go to work, my depression was back at suicidal levels. In my depressed state I subjected my child to the horror of this man and I will forever live with that guilt.

That marriage ended and I successfully made myself the heaviest I have ever been. I walked slumped over never looking anyone in the eye. Avoidance was my best friend for the next 11 years. Many things led up to me deciding to take control of my life. I was diabetic, on the verge of a stroke or heart attack and found out I was going to be a grandma. Something clicked and I finally decided to do something about my weight. Never did I think it would be as painful a process as it has been. Losing that weight was basically losing that 14 year old girl. I no longer have an identity. I am no longer scared rape victim, I have no idea who I am. I lost that protective layer and now people look at me again and that scares me. I never used to share pictures of myself and now I likely overshare. Not because I am proud of the person I am but because it forces me to go outside my comfort zone. That is part of this healing process, forcing myself to step outside my norm. It is frightening, uncomfortable and unpleasant. It is opening myself up to ridicule and attention that I have spent decades hiding from.

I have spent the last year pretending that my life is finally amazing and the truth is it is not. It is better in some ways but it is frightening in so many more ways. My depression has returned and not talking about it or pretending all is ok makes it worse. 38 years later and I still cannot shed that one act on that one day. I still cannot imagine a day I will be ok being in a relationship, I still think I have no self-worth, I still feel as if I deserve every single bad thing that has happened to me.

That one act on that one day not only messed me up but that trickled down to my innocent children who deserved so much better.  So next time you think words or actions do not have lasting ramifications please think about the overall picture. The next time you think about making an excuse for someone’s horrific words or behaviors remember not everyone has walked in the shoes of an assault victim and will never understand how it feels. Not every assault is physical, nor are some of the worst scars physical ones.

I have been asked why I did not speak up, people condemn the women who are just now coming forward. We have all seen how the victims are made out to be deserving of what they got. Most are women whose attackers are normal everyday people. Can you imagine if your attacker is a billionaire or a famous actor who has unlimited money and lawyers at their disposal who can publicly destroy you….that is why we do not speak up. Being physically brutalized is horrific but being publicly brutalized is even more painful.

Last night I did something I have not done in a very long time. I bought 2 bags of pita chips and I laid down and I ate both bags…. I made some mashed potatoes and smothered it in crappy packaged gravy and I ate myself stupid. I thought I had combated those issues in my life….

The emotions of the last week have snuck up on me and I sunk back into the depressed going to eat myself fat habit again. I will take it day to day and pray I do not sink lower. I am not asking for sympathy, a pat on the back or advice I am asking to be respected for what I feel and to be allowed to speak of it without fear of reprisal. I am hoping one day the past will be just that, that is will stop rearing its ugly head. I will never forget what happened but one day I hope it will stop being center attention.

 

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Clean Eating Recipes, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Soup, Uncategorized, What If's

CHOICES

Life is all about choices and we are free to choose whatever we want however with choices sometimes come consequences. Life is also about learning to deal with the hands we are dealt…sometimes they are amazing and sometimes they are heartbreaking hands.

I have done a lot of thinking this past year or so since starting this journey. I have made some good choices and some not so good choices in my life. I have paid for some of those choices dearly and I have been blessed beyond measure for some of them. What I do not regret is any of them.

I made the choice to not tell anyone about my rape and that decision altered my life. Do I regret that choice? That is so hard to answer… had I told someone perhaps I would have gotten help and not went down the drugs/alcohol/drop out school path I took. And although that would have saved my family much heartache I never would have been made a ward of the court, met the man I met and had the amazing children I had. I spent years punishing myself for that rape and the choices made after it. In fact it was not until a little over a year ago that I began to truly forgive myself for those bad choices. Let me make it clear I did NOT ask to be assaulted and did NOT deserve it. You could drive yourself crazy trying to figure out if you would have done it differently. So why do that, you cannot change the past but can going forward make better choices. I made the choice to have a healthy life. And that is hands down one of the best decisions I have made.

I choose to go from obese, lazy, in constant pain & depression that was overwhelming at times to the happier, healthier, less depressed & less in pain more active person I am today.

8-222207_482092445271538_6109621651585287343_n

I have gone from hiding under baggy clothes, never letting my picture get taken, worrying about what others think of me person to the over sharing, acting goofy, belly laughing dork I am today!

20160528_161425

When I decided a year ago to take back my life and health I had no idea the twist and turns it would take. I never in a million years thought I would love to walk much less love to hike up hills and climb over things. Never thought I would show my body in a swimsuit much less go swimming in the mountains in my bra and undies! Who knew I would end up really liking exercising even the ones that make me feel every muscle the next morning! I never figured I would approach people I did not know. I was not a smiling happy person. Today I love engaging people in conversation, I love smiling at others and seeing their smiles back. Today I popped by the store on my way home from the farmers market. The checker was a young boy and he asked me how my day was going….before I knew it I blurted out that is was OUTSTANDING and I was feeling BLISSFUL (where did this come from!!!!)! He broke into the biggest smile and told me he loved that answer! We chatted a bit and I told him the me a year ago would never have said that. He asked what was different today from a year ago so I gave him the short version. What an absolutely wonderful experience I had talking to him. Less than 5 minutes chatting with him and I was still smiling ear to ear when I got to my car! I have noticed in my recent pictures my mouth is always open and I thought to myself why do you always do that…then I realized looking back at older pictures it is because I am genuinely happy! That is a real genuine smile going on right there!

So back to choices and I think where this blog post started but I am like a dog with a squirrel sometimes! I made the choice to invest in me. I decided that given it was expensive to do Shakeology I better fully invest in my 21 days. I have always felt like I cannot eat that more healthy option it is so spendy. That is utter BS! I eat smaller portions so the food goes much farther, I eliminated 10 medications 10!!!  I no longer spend the amount I used to on crappy food or expensive coffee… yes I still do the coffee occasionally but not like I used to but I am no longer spending money eating out all the time. Eating healthy is not too expensive. Let’s be real, eating at McDonald’s is not cheap at least not anymore and add the health issues it creates you are costing more. I choose to eat organic and as healthy as I can but you can also buy regular produce etc. Not buying boxed processed food is totally affordable. I make huge batches of soups and chili using fresh produce and for less than $15 I can get 4 gallons or more of healthy soup to freeze. The one area I will not scrimp on is my steel cut oats or faro I have kind of become a snob! I only use Anson Mills, he is organic, no pesticide, totally heirloom products. The taste is beyond amazing. And did I say I have eliminated 10 medications by living this new lifestyle that is a huge savings!

Today I spent $20 at the farmers market and got a ton of great stuff that will last me the week or longer. These pictures below are my normal way of eating. I love this new way of life. I made a choice to make me a priority and I am blessed that my friends and family fully support me in this lifestyle. I never feel I am putting them out by this way of eating. They love me enough they want me to be successful and they in turn have made changes in their lives.

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized, What If's

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

So a couple of things I realized…

* My one year on this awesome new life was the 12th not the 20th like I have thought this last year lol.

* I not only lost 103 pounds and over 80 inches but also my unmatched sock lifestyle that was my FLAIR! Not sure why but kinda makes me sad.

* I have “met” some of the most amazing supportive people because of this. And as much as they say I inspire them THEY inspire me, they help me to keep fighting for this, they helped give me a voice and never judged or told me to shut up. They allowed me to post daily and sometimes multiple times a day my feelings and that helped me more than anything….finally being accountable for my actions or lack thereof. They “got” that being brutally honest about daily dealings etc was not me being whiny but me being honest and that allowed and still allows me to heal.

*I went from rarely smiling and never posting a picture of myself to smiling like a fool and over posting pictures of myself.

* Realized that I actually have self worth, that I am not ugly or unlovable, that I bring value to this world and others.

* That I did this… me and I have every right to be proud of the hard work and need to stop minimizing or apologizing for stuff related to it.

* That me…the person who kept herself obese as a self preservation mode, the person who spent most days laying on a couch, who could not walk 100 yards without being in pain, who never showed her arms or legs, who walked with her head down and never looked people in the eyes, who let one act all those years ago dictate that life….Me the person who now walks proud, smiles, engages people, walks up to 15 miles, shows my arms and legs (which reminds me I HAVE to remember to shave now), that laughs and does things I never thought possible. ME the person who is ridiculously happy 90% of the time but the last few days had to realize that I still have work to do, more than I thought.

* That it is ok to not be 100% all the time, that it is ok to have down moments. It is ok to be in those moments as long as I move on from them. I have some real work to do now. The last 2 or 3 weeks have been tough emotionally. I spent a good portion of my life depressed and suicidal… If there was ever a plus to having no self esteem it was that it kept me from following through on it. I have spent years where I could barely breath or function but I had 2 of the most amazing children that kept me going….that and I thought I was such a loser that I would not be successful at killing myself, that I would fuck it up like every other thing I touched and just become a vegetable that was aware of her surroundings but could do nothing but lay like a bump on a log. As sad as that comment is it saved my life. That and my friends and family and now my new friends and family I have met through this journey.

I have an addictive personality.. it was drugs, drinking, spending money I did not have, eating. Having my kids changed the drugs and drinking part of the punishing myself behaviors but the next 38 years was eating and hiding. This last year has helped me shed that part. The last year I became addicted to walking and hiking and that is not a bad thing but it became an obsession that over rode everything else… so my body is paying for that and I am having to scale back a bit and do some physical therapy.

I also am learning that it is ok if not everyone likes me or wants to be around me. That I do not need to take it personally. I have always been the keeper of the peace and sometimes you just cannot do it and need to let go. I say that I am keeper of the peace but I am also the most UNFORGIVING person if you cross me and I deem it over the line. That is something I am working on. That it is ok to state your opinion but be careful to not deliberately hurt others in doing so. That it is ok to agree to disagree.

So I am now going to work on the inside of me. I was talking to my friend today and told her that for the first time in a year or more I am really really down…down enough that I am not sleeping well, that I am not enjoying my walking like I love to do, that my mind is wandering to that place where I think, is this how life is going to be…how I do not want to be afraid or worry the rest of my days like this… I know I would never go back to that suicidal person but I do need to be cognizant of those feelings. Life is hard right now, we are bombarded by people killing each other, this terrible presidential election, the state of our world, the fact that it is a constant worry how we will retire or pay rent etc etc etc. I am trying very hard to move on from that. I do not have cable, I do not get the paper, I know hiding ones head is not healthy but sometimes you just have to take a break from reality.

So thank you to everyone who has supported me this last year. I am going to enjoy reading my memories that show up to see just how far I have come! Ok so that is more than a couple of things! I included some of my journey… the first time I climbed to the top of Mt. Tabor, the first time I made it up Mt. Talbert, my first time around Powell Butte and some that show how miserable I was and how awesome life started to become!

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Journey to happiness, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Re-Birthday to Me

What an amazing journey the last 10 months have been!

My daughter and I went on vacation for 8 days and was really worried about how I was going to do. I knew cheating was not going to be an issue as I just do not do that I eat clean 24/7 but I GAIN if I do not get enough calories or water in. The biggest struggle I have is being prepared for when I am not home or at work. Of course we were totally unprepared thinking the cabin had a mini fridge and it did not and we had no cooler, or cooking supplies. I knew we would eat out quite a bit and there are not a ton of healthy places where we were. We did this trip 2 years ago and I was so limited in what I could do. Not this year!

I have to say I am proud of myself. When we went out I had water or tea no alcohol 😉 We did have pizza on two different nights but they were pretty clean and amazing! One had butternut squash and roasted garlic SO good. I took one bite of the jalapeno and mozzarella cheese and took the green olive salad off the other one and popped it on the butternut so incredible and fresh. We had a margarita pizza on the other night. I have never had pizza’s as amazing as these were. Scratch made sauce and wood fired thin crust. Other meals were salads with the exception of Mexican one night.

Our first day there was full of driving, we checked into our awesome cabin At Rivers Edge Rv Park in Brookings, Oregon. If you are looking for a great inexpensive quiet place on the Oregon coast this is your place. We then toodled over to Crescent City, California for dinner with her awesome friends Brent and Rebecca and then off to the beach for sunset pictures. The second day we popped back over for breakfast with them again and played on the beach.

Did not get walking in like I had thought I would, we spent tons of time driving in the mountains and swimming. I am afraid of heights and water and SNAKES but this birthday trip was about the re-birthday of the new me. So I was determined to do outside the comfort zone things. The underwater selfies were taken AFTER we saw a snake in the river in that spot! We were followed by monarch butterflies the entire trip, we seriously never see them… we decided right or wrong it was my dads spirit with us.

We also met a sweet lady whose husband had passed exactly 4 years earlier, she had spread his ashes up where we were. She told us he always found heart rocks and gave them to her and she had never found one until that day… she found two. We told her about my dad and the buttercups he had secretly planted for my mom that peaked up through the snow on her first Easter morning without him. We all three laughed and cried and hugged!

We took a gondola to the top of the redwoods and wandered around the Trees of Mystery AND I wore no sleeve outfits that is hugely uncomfortable for me lol.

We walked on the beach and found at least 60 whole sand dollars in less than an hour, we walked in the surf, we sat on the top of rocks way above the ocean, we were within 50 yards of an elk herd on the beach, we laughed and we even cried. We went geo-caching, we spent time with my daughters friends from when she lived there.

 

We met an awesome man through one of the friends who had a small yacht and we hung out on that basking in the sun. We watched a cardboard boat regatta and had an amazing time. I would never have been able to do this 10 months ago physically or mentally.

Out last night there we had dinner again with Rebecca and then hung out at Harris State Park for a bit…