Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Baby got Back…or will get Back!

I have had a lot of facebook memories popping up the last few months. Most involve having met my weight loss goal and the back issues I have had the last year or so. I got derailed, stopped blogging and lost sight of things. In my effort to get fit and lose weight I messed up my back and hip. I was walking 10-15 miles every single day for the better part of a year. I pushed myself, lost sight of the joy I had gotten from being out doors and was more obsessed with how fast and how far I could go. Having an addictive personality is a double edged sword.

Thus started my gaining 80 of the 120 I had lost. Losing the joy I had gained by being outdoors. Depression setting back in. Mostly non stop steroid for more than a year. I was lucky enough to find an amazing doctor who tried every single thing he could think of before sending me to another wonderful doctor. After more than a year of steroids and spinal shots they decided to do RFA. Basically they pinpoint which nerves are being pissy and they cauterize them. The hope is they will stop shooting pain signals to my brain. It is likely IF it is successful that I will need it done a time or two more to stop them regenerating. Success if usually 60% relief which 200% better than what I am having.

This is whole new path for me. The pain is vastly different in the last week. My butt cheek on the good side goes numb when I stand or walk. The good sides lower leg hurts and feels on fire. They did both sides but I still am a bit shocked at how the good side is the problem child right now. I have done a ton of research and the back feeling sunburned is normal and lasts a couple of weeks. I assume the butt and leg issue on the good side is just the pissing off of nerves that were only slightly mad. It is a rather interesting procedure but invasive so causes a lot of angry nerves! On the plus side the bad side is still somewhat numbed from the steroids etc so I am not feeling it on both sides….yet! It is a new journey, I have to strengthen my core… a core I do not have due to multiple surgeries. It weakens your back so it is essential to get a core and strengthen my back muscles or this has been for not.


Going forward is going to be about taking it slow and easy but consistently working on it. I am focusing on my eating again, doing small walks and exercises the therapist has given me. Today I decided to drive to get some organic veggies. I love wandering through looking at the different types of veggies and fruits they offer. They had these amazing beautiful flowers. I am forcing myself to enjoy the everyday beauty. Until I can get back to my hiking and the views it gives I have to find new kinds of pretty.

Yesterday on the way home from work I drove up to one of my favorite spots in the city. Mt. Tabor was so important to me when I was first walking and losing. It is this gorgeous oasis in the middle of our city. Yesterday I walked around the reservoir. Such a tiny little walk but was gorgeous and so quiet and felt oh so good! There was a British gent there who was reading, having tea and just chilling with his pup.

So here I am on a new venture with the same outcome hopes but a very different path. I started my journey on 7-20-2015. On 2-09-2018 I took a different fork in the path. Along with 2 friends we have decided to weigh every Friday at work, I will also measure and take a picture every other week. Being honest and sharing was so helpful to me last time I am going to do it again. So stats for the last 3 week are as follows…drum roll please….


  • Weight 265
  • Neck 15 1/2
  • Arm  L 15 1/2  R 15 1/2
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 50
  • Hip 51 1/2
  • Thigh L 23  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4


  • Weight 259


  • Weight 257.5
  • Neck 15
  • Arm  L 15  R 15
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 48 3/4
  • Hip 51
  • Thigh L 22 1/2  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

I took a lot of pictures through the first year I lost all the weight. It is so telling way more than the scale. These are 2 weeks apart and you can see how cutting the carbs and eating more, drinking more water makes a difference in the bloat.


Here are some pictures from the first year. I like to keep it handy, it reminds me where I was, where I got and how I can get back there again. It was never really about the loss of pounds on the scale although I did become obsessed with it. It is about feeling good in my skin, being as healthy as I can be and being able to be active. 170109


  • Weight 253

So here I am back at square one but I have high hopes… hopes my back issues will get better, hopes my depression will ease, hopes I can hike again, hopes that even though I will stumble I will remember to always get back up


21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journal, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

The last couple of weeks have been pretty trying. Family members with serious health issues and just some heart breaking personal family issues. One of the things I found was not everyone understands the journey I am on. I made it clear upfront with people that I was going to be honest and that includes the good and the bad. I also made it clear that I would not be offended or hurt if you choose to not follow along on my journey either on this blog or on my Facebook page. And I will no longer censor myself for the benefit of others.

Reality is life can be great but it can also be tough and if you act is if nothing bothers you well you are not being honest with yourself. I lost someone I thought was a friend.. If she had addressed her “issues” with my posts etc in a different way it would have not had to happen. Sometimes not saying anything is better than saying something you know will hurt them. Being brutally honest at the expense of another persons feelings is cruel if that person is not hurting anyone else. My posts are just that… mine… my feelings my way of seeing things. I am not now nor will I ever be someone else’s science project. I never asked to be her project and honestly I feel lighter having her made it easy for me to say goodbye. I felt I really had to be careful what I said because I allowed her to have power she never really had.

I am the reason for my success in this journey. Yes some people have helped along the way but I am the one who put in the hard work. I have said before that the hardest part of this journey has actually been addressing the feelings that have come up. I have always dealt with pain and anger by running. I lament about people who cut me off in traffic or for some other reason put a damper in my day. I see others do it as well, it is human nature, did I let it destroy my day… no but it happens and sometimes it just plays into things that have gone on through the day. Part of my personality is snarky and some people do not get that and that is ok I cannot be responsible for their seeing something as serious and not in jest.

I won’t lie and say her words did not hurt or sting, they did. A simple I no longer can follow you would have been kinder and worked. To tell my that my woe is me attitude is too much and then make a rambling long winded email on all the bad that is going on in their life (while telling me shit happens and I need to quit feeling sorry for myself) seemed a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. I had decided that maybe it was time to stop sharing my journey but then like every day since I started this I got a personal message from someone I do not know. I had comments on my posts from both people I know and people I do not know and they all told me they appreciate my honesty. That they like that I share the good and the bad, that they need to be reminded it is not all rainbows and lollipops. I am not saying this to be arrogant because honestly it is still hard to accept that anyone would find me inspirational. I have never felt that I had much to offer this world and honestly I still struggle with it.

I did take a few things from the online friendship we had and they will and have helped me but I will not regret saying goodbye to it. One of things I have been doing was sharing the memories from a year ago that pop up because they show just how much growth I have made. Be it different eating to how I handle stressful things. Again if someone does not take the time to read that it is a memory from the past that is on them not me.

So that said I spent a good week off and on in tears. I do not like when people do not like me or are mad at me. I beat myself up if I think I have hurt someone (another reason I tend to censor). I had good conversations with my friend from work, looked at pictures of my sweet lil grandbaby, said prayers and meditated and felt a bit more zen. I hiked and I sat on my deck and pondered what exactly it is I am doing with my life now. I still need to lose a bit more, I need to work on toning my body and my mind. I need to figure out who I am now and I decided I will no longer stress if people do not want to be in my life or go along on this journey. I also realized I am not done on this journey in fact I may actually just be starting and because so many have asked me to continue to share I will do so.

My daughter brought my grandson and his mommy to Prineville for a day visit. It was wonderful. He is the sweetest happiest little guy and it was great seeing Kayla and Megan. I cannot share pictures of my beautiful grandbaby online but trust me he is handsome! We hiked around the lake while Megan and Kayla attempted to fish, all Kayla caught was the end of her pole. I have done two dog sitting gigs and lots of hiking which always make me feel better. I am 10 days from my one year and I am DAMN proud of what I have accomplished.

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Uncategorized

Manic Monday

I seriously want to punch someone and that makes me even madder than I already am. I have worked really hard at controlling my anger, depression, letting people get the best of me and letting things bother me so badly I want to punch someone. Today…. I really REALLY want to punch someone.

It started out great! First day of Summer, nice weather, my work buddy was back in after being gone for a week, not as hot as they were saying so hiking after work was gonna happen. AND that is when it went south…

I had a great 6.5 mile hike and feeling that high one gets from hard work. Sweating like a pig, conquered all the evil stairs and at one of my favorite hiking spots at Mt. Tabor.


Made my way around the mountain to the other side and the sign that is my name sake! Feeling so awesome life is great, birds are chirping, pet myself some dogs and talked to some nice people. 20160620_17083220160620_170757

Look at that GLISTENING skin haha… So I am slightly annoyed because I am parking WAY up to the curb since parking is limited. I get back and a someone pulled in behind me so close I felt like he owed me $50 and a cigarette… I took deep breaths said let it gooooooo and jockeyed my way out of the spot. Most everyone pulls up to this spot where you can turn around since there are so many walker and bikers and limited ways out. A person had pulled into a spot in front of me, I pulled forward a bit and was completely STOPPED. I put the car in reverse, still I have not moved because I am spinning my head around to make sure no one is behind me and boom a mountain biker chick rides behind me. No mind you she had ample room to go in front, I am not moving and you can clearly see I am going to back up. All the sudden I hear the most profane expletives coming out of her mouth at me. She is calling me a bitch, the C word saying the F word (I am refraining from using them as I know some in my audience do not like it (you are welcome mom lol)). I said I was not even moving and she started in again yelling, swearing and people are looking at me like I am the asshole!!! I should have just moved along but she would not shut up so I told her she was a psycho bitch… she did not like that.

At this point I am shaking I am so mad, so embarrassed and so shocked at her reaction…. I do not know why I am shocked. Most bike riders are ok that I have dealt with but without fail EVERY.SINGLE.MOUNTAIN.BIKE.RIDER has been an ass…. So I slink off mad that I let her get to me, super mad she stole my hiking high and just wanted to get home. I am telling myself over and over let it go let it go!!!



On the freeway feeling less angry enjoying some loud AC/DC and the wind blowing in my hair. And then BOOM this guy in front of me in a big truck starts into my lane, no blinker no paying attention. If I had not had my tires changed recently I would be dead. There is no way my old tires would have handled this. I had a person behind me, cannot move over because he is still partially in that lane, I am HONKING my horn at him to get his attention, he is flipping me off and I am slamming on my brakes so hard (thankfully the guy behind me saw what was happening and scooted over) that my tires are squealing and my car is fishtailing. I seriously almost pooped my pants, I have never felt I was that close to wrecking my car as I did at that moment. He finally moved over and he and his passenger have their window down just yelling at me flipping me off… I was in such shock thankfully I just ignored him and they backed off. So now my anger is back with a vengeance and I am SO MAD that I am SO MAD.

I have no desire to eat I am just so frigging mad at this point but I told myself you cannot go back to those ways… now mind you I am feeling kinda crappy because I had delightful cheese fonduta yesterday and today I paid a price ALL.DAY.LONG! Thus my stating I was glad I did not poop my pants! What I really wanted was a drink but I was not going to do that. So I went home with the intent of eating salad….

The first bag….FROZEN. 20160620_191245

The second bag…..BLACKISH AND SLIMY20160620_191440

I was able to salvage a tiny bit from the third bag…. 20160620_191626

Out of three bags of salad I was able to get a tiny bit of pepitas, a tiny bit of cranberries, a tiny bit of soy nuts, had some border line cauliflower, I found 3 green olives in the fridge so chopped them up and cut some cheese and salvaged about a 1/4 of a rotten avocado..20160620_192114

I am done. I am still mad. I am not as mad as I was but I am still angry…. I had not just walked 6.5 miles and afraid that I would be killed I would go for another walk… I think it safest to stay safely in my apartment until I go to work tomorrow!

21 Day Fix, Fear, Uncategorized

If you are going to look back on your past..then look how far you have come

I had said earlier that I bought a journal that is questions, statements etc for each day of the year. It is undated and I am just randomly picking them for each day. They make me really ponder sometimes to come up with an answer, sometimes it is easy.

Today’s journal words are “If you are going to look back on your past….then look how far you have come..”

This one is pretty easy for me because this whole journey has been about my past and how to stop letting it dictate my choices and stop dwelling on it. I look back at my past and for most of my life and most definitely the last 38 years of it I have lived it in fear. Fear has ruled my life… sometimes I did not even know what the heck I was fearing. It has been hard taking a good hard look at it. I feared my parents would divorce, I feared my friends would hate me, I feared I would be victimized again, I feared I would be a huge failure at being a good parent, I feared my marriage would end in divorce and I would be alone for the rest of my life, I feared I would never be able to enjoy intimacy, I feared I would be a drug addict or alcoholic my whole life. I feared I would lose my job and not be able to pay my bills. I feared I would remain unlovable that I would never control my eating or stop smoking. I feared I would believe I was ugly and not worthy the rest of my life. I feared I would get that dreaded call your child has been killed, when I got the call that my son had been critically injured and was not sure he would survive which set in motion 14 years of REALLY dreading calls from my mom or other family members. I still worry just not as much. I could keep going but it is a never ending list of fear.

I shed most of those fears over the last 9 months. I no longer fear being victimized, my parent stayed married until my father died so that fear is gone. My friends love me and I know now the real ones will stay with me forever. I have been clean for 34 years I will never worry about that addiction again. I have been smoke free for 22 years, turns out I did an ok job on the parenting and I think I will be a great grandma! My marriages did end in divorce but for the first time in 30 years I can envision wanting to spend my life with someone. I still worry about losing my job but I also know I am smart and will land on my feet and find something else if it were to happen. No matter how tough things have gotten for me financially I have always been able to pay my bills. For the first time in my life I feel worthy, worthy of love, respect, happiness. I no longer feel I am an ugly person inside and out. I not only lost weight but I lost the fear that had dictated my choice to make myself live as an obese person.

It is hard to explain why the loss of the weight has freed me from so much fear. The only way to explain is fear is what made me decide to gain weight so I would never be hurt again. Shedding that “protective layer” means that whole being is no more. My new fear is who am I really… Will I like the new me.. I guess the answer to the sentence for today is I have come farther than I ever though imaginable. In 10 months I shed 38+ years of fear. I have come a long way baby!! I have a long way to go but I am going to kick fears ass.

Change, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, Uncategorized


I am the queen of worry in fact I should receive an Emmy or Oscar for my stellar worrying. I worry about my kids, my mom, my sister and her kids… I worry about myself and everyone around me. I worry…it is what I do. I worry people hate me or that I have let people down, I worry my children will not have happy healthy lives, I worry how I will pay my rent, how I will pay my bills… I worry it is what I do.

That worrying has made life hard… I worry I have hurt others during this journey of healing and finding myself. I worry and that makes my mind go non-stop. I decided when I hit the 100 pounds lost that I was going to give my weight loss journey a rest for a few months so my mind and body could catch up with each other and heal. I had no idea how difficult this journey would be. I thought the hard part would be losing the weight but reality is the hard part has been mentally what I have lost and gained.

I used to love to read and somewhere along the way I lost that love. I hurry as much as I worry. I am always in a hurry, a hurry to get to work, go to the store, read an article, walk or hike. I really want to learn to slow down and be mindful of my surroundings, learn to slow down and take it all in. Enjoy the beauty of life around me. I need to learn to not make every single moment of my day a race. My mind goes a million miles a minute and therefore I do the same when walking, driving and just being. I want to slow down and enjoy this new found freedom my new body has given me. To get back the simple joys I once used to have.


I have bought several self help books over the years with the intent of reading and gaining something from them but my lack of being able to focus because I am in a hurry mentally and physically has stopped me from reading more than a paragraph. I bought a book called Mindfulness an Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World. I am determined to slow down and be mindful while reading it. It involves meditation, slowing down and taking time to relearn how to make your mind work for you. I found this sentence interesting. I am learning that happiness comes from within and that it is ok to be sad or down as long as you move on from it. Life is about ebbing and flowing and I am learning to go with that and to not force the happy…

We try so hard to be happy that we end up missing the most important parts of our lives and destroying the very peace we are seeking

I also bought a book called Instant HAPPY Journal 365 Days of Inspiration, gratitude and Joy. It is undated which is great, I am going to randomly open it to a page and fill it out. I think it will be interesting to look back on it a year from now. The great thing about it is some days are about what happened that day, others force you to reflect back on the past and some will be focusing on the future. Today’s was titled “being negative is like spraying yourself with anti-charisma”. Boy did that ring true… I can tell that each day these are going to force me to think back on past behaviors and this was one I was terrible at. I could not accept a compliment I would counter with putting myself down. I was the most self deprecating person and never really understood just how uncomfortable that made others feel until I started being on the receiving end of it myself.

There are a couple of people around me that since I have lost the weight have been doing this to me. It is tiring trying to counter their putting themselves down and I have such sadness that I did it for years to those around me. I finally decided that I cannot do anything to stop those behaviors in them and it is not my job to try and persuade them they are not what they are saying about themselves. I find I distance myself from them. I do not think they mean to but by their doing so it takes away any positive they have said about my successes that they are complimenting me on. In fact it makes me feel guilty that I have lost the weight and they have not.

This morning I went to the farmers market and picked up some great produce. I enjoyed my Shakeology and fresh pressed coffee. I did not get my walk in but that is ok I need to not be so obsessed with walking miles and miles everyday. I made a wonderful stir fry, I did some laundry, I meditated and I just simply enjoyed the day. I sat outside and visited with a couple of my neighbors, usually I just say hello in passing because I am in such a hurry to get my walking in. Today I just talked and listened and laughed and enjoyed.

I am so looking forward to this new chapter of my journey. The  last week has been huge for me. I realized that I no longer spend every day thinking how painful it is to exist. I realized that things that used to make me cry in sadness now make me cry in gratitude. I love my children, family and friends but spent so much time wallowing in self pity that I did not give them the love or attention they deserve. Every day I think of my new grandbaby, my daughter, my son and my family and friends and every day I am beyond thankful to how blessed I am that they are in my life.

Have a blessed evening my friends.



21 Day Fix, Beach Body, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Journey to happiness, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized, What If's

Happy Re-Birthday to Me

What an amazing journey the last 10 months have been!

My daughter and I went on vacation for 8 days and was really worried about how I was going to do. I knew cheating was not going to be an issue as I just do not do that I eat clean 24/7 but I GAIN if I do not get enough calories or water in. The biggest struggle I have is being prepared for when I am not home or at work. Of course we were totally unprepared thinking the cabin had a mini fridge and it did not and we had no cooler, or cooking supplies. I knew we would eat out quite a bit and there are not a ton of healthy places where we were. We did this trip 2 years ago and I was so limited in what I could do. Not this year!

I have to say I am proud of myself. When we went out I had water or tea no alcohol 😉 We did have pizza on two different nights but they were pretty clean and amazing! One had butternut squash and roasted garlic SO good. I took one bite of the jalapeno and mozzarella cheese and took the green olive salad off the other one and popped it on the butternut so incredible and fresh. We had a margarita pizza on the other night. I have never had pizza’s as amazing as these were. Scratch made sauce and wood fired thin crust. Other meals were salads with the exception of Mexican one night.

Our first day there was full of driving, we checked into our awesome cabin At Rivers Edge Rv Park in Brookings, Oregon. If you are looking for a great inexpensive quiet place on the Oregon coast this is your place. We then toodled over to Crescent City, California for dinner with her awesome friends Brent and Rebecca and then off to the beach for sunset pictures. The second day we popped back over for breakfast with them again and played on the beach.

Did not get walking in like I had thought I would, we spent tons of time driving in the mountains and swimming. I am afraid of heights and water and SNAKES but this birthday trip was about the re-birthday of the new me. So I was determined to do outside the comfort zone things. The underwater selfies were taken AFTER we saw a snake in the river in that spot! We were followed by monarch butterflies the entire trip, we seriously never see them… we decided right or wrong it was my dads spirit with us.

We also met a sweet lady whose husband had passed exactly 4 years earlier, she had spread his ashes up where we were. She told us he always found heart rocks and gave them to her and she had never found one until that day… she found two. We told her about my dad and the buttercups he had secretly planted for my mom that peaked up through the snow on her first Easter morning without him. We all three laughed and cried and hugged!

We took a gondola to the top of the redwoods and wandered around the Trees of Mystery AND I wore no sleeve outfits that is hugely uncomfortable for me lol.

We walked on the beach and found at least 60 whole sand dollars in less than an hour, we walked in the surf, we sat on the top of rocks way above the ocean, we were within 50 yards of an elk herd on the beach, we laughed and we even cried. We went geo-caching, we spent time with my daughters friends from when she lived there.


We met an awesome man through one of the friends who had a small yacht and we hung out on that basking in the sun. We watched a cardboard boat regatta and had an amazing time. I would never have been able to do this 10 months ago physically or mentally.

Out last night there we had dinner again with Rebecca and then hung out at Harris State Park for a bit…

We went to the Oregon Vortex which was pretty darn cool.

And to top it all off I actually lost 1.2 inches and 1.5 pounds even though I was not trying! Clean eating is my way of life, I will eat this way the rest of my life and even being away from home I can sustain this healthy living! I still have things I need to do, I need to figure out a way to be prepared better and I am now trying to learn maintaining for a month or so rather than losing the last 18 pounds, gonna give this body a rest for a bit!



21 Day Fix, Clean_Eating

insert clever title here

Well poop got home after a great hike at Mt. Tabor to find a note that my rent is going up $125 a month =( the rent issue in Portland and surrounding areas is out of control. These new fancy high dollar apartments being built left and right are driving the prices up for us in the outer lying areas. On my walk the other night I saw an elderly lady who made a comment and we started talking. She lives in the apartments across from mine and was saying IF she signed a new lease hers was going up $275 a month if not then $375. That is utterly criminal, poor thing is on a fixed income. It is going to hurt me big time but not like the elderly or handicapped who are on very fixed incomes.

Part of the beauty of this new lifestyle is the old me would have ran to the store and bought a bunch of crappy food and stuffed my face as well as fume about the house. The new me is still not happy but I will figure out what I can cut back on and make it work. Instead of feeding my emotions I decided to go on another walk. I am not willing to go back down that poor pitiful me path. I am not going to let it take away the beauty of today’s walk. I am also not going to give up my #shakeology or stop paying for parking if I can avoid it at all. Parking is for most a luxury, for me it is the freedom to get to go on amazing hikes before it gets dark and I have to head home which is a ways from my work. The #shakeology give me so many nutrients and energy and somehow I am going to try to make it work to keep it.

Dinner was cauliflower, spinach, corn, peppers, onions, garlic, carrots and I had a turkey meatball and quinoa that I had frozen. So good! IMG_20131005_173342 (1)

And for my wonderful friends who worry about my safety it was day light I was just taking a picture into the sun using my cell phone thus the darkness but hey I think it made them even more wonderful! Also so far stairs are my enemy!!! As I was climbing up them I decided to count…. 100 steeeeeep steeeeep steps! I also had a wonderful conversation with a guy and his dog, he gave me some great hints on how to ease my shin splints! Passed a couple 4 times and we had a good laugh about that each time. Was a great day and I am not going to let the note on my door ruin it!

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