Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Baby got Back…or will get Back!

I have had a lot of facebook memories popping up the last few months. Most involve having met my weight loss goal and the back issues I have had the last year or so. I got derailed, stopped blogging and lost sight of things. In my effort to get fit and lose weight I messed up my back and hip. I was walking 10-15 miles every single day for the better part of a year. I pushed myself, lost sight of the joy I had gotten from being out doors and was more obsessed with how fast and how far I could go. Having an addictive personality is a double edged sword.

Thus started my gaining 80 of the 120 I had lost. Losing the joy I had gained by being outdoors. Depression setting back in. Mostly non stop steroid for more than a year. I was lucky enough to find an amazing doctor who tried every single thing he could think of before sending me to another wonderful doctor. After more than a year of steroids and spinal shots they decided to do RFA. Basically they pinpoint which nerves are being pissy and they cauterize them. The hope is they will stop shooting pain signals to my brain. It is likely IF it is successful that I will need it done a time or two more to stop them regenerating. Success if usually 60% relief which 200% better than what I am having.

This is whole new path for me. The pain is vastly different in the last week. My butt cheek on the good side goes numb when I stand or walk. The good sides lower leg hurts and feels on fire. They did both sides but I still am a bit shocked at how the good side is the problem child right now. I have done a ton of research and the back feeling sunburned is normal and lasts a couple of weeks. I assume the butt and leg issue on the good side is just the pissing off of nerves that were only slightly mad. It is a rather interesting procedure but invasive so causes a lot of angry nerves! On the plus side the bad side is still somewhat numbed from the steroids etc so I am not feeling it on both sides….yet! It is a new journey, I have to strengthen my core… a core I do not have due to multiple surgeries. It weakens your back so it is essential to get a core and strengthen my back muscles or this has been for not.


Going forward is going to be about taking it slow and easy but consistently working on it. I am focusing on my eating again, doing small walks and exercises the therapist has given me. Today I decided to drive to get some organic veggies. I love wandering through looking at the different types of veggies and fruits they offer. They had these amazing beautiful flowers. I am forcing myself to enjoy the everyday beauty. Until I can get back to my hiking and the views it gives I have to find new kinds of pretty.

Yesterday on the way home from work I drove up to one of my favorite spots in the city. Mt. Tabor was so important to me when I was first walking and losing. It is this gorgeous oasis in the middle of our city. Yesterday I walked around the reservoir. Such a tiny little walk but was gorgeous and so quiet and felt oh so good! There was a British gent there who was reading, having tea and just chilling with his pup.

So here I am on a new venture with the same outcome hopes but a very different path. I started my journey on 7-20-2015. On 2-09-2018 I took a different fork in the path. Along with 2 friends we have decided to weigh every Friday at work, I will also measure and take a picture every other week. Being honest and sharing was so helpful to me last time I am going to do it again. So stats for the last 3 week are as follows…drum roll please….


  • Weight 265
  • Neck 15 1/2
  • Arm  L 15 1/2  R 15 1/2
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 50
  • Hip 51 1/2
  • Thigh L 23  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4


  • Weight 259


  • Weight 257.5
  • Neck 15
  • Arm  L 15  R 15
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 48 3/4
  • Hip 51
  • Thigh L 22 1/2  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

I took a lot of pictures through the first year I lost all the weight. It is so telling way more than the scale. These are 2 weeks apart and you can see how cutting the carbs and eating more, drinking more water makes a difference in the bloat.


Here are some pictures from the first year. I like to keep it handy, it reminds me where I was, where I got and how I can get back there again. It was never really about the loss of pounds on the scale although I did become obsessed with it. It is about feeling good in my skin, being as healthy as I can be and being able to be active. 170109


  • Weight 253

So here I am back at square one but I have high hopes… hopes my back issues will get better, hopes my depression will ease, hopes I can hike again, hopes that even though I will stumble I will remember to always get back up


Clean_Eating, Crafts, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journal, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Uncategorized

Unhurried Adventures for 2018

2017 was not the best year. It was full of sadness, loss, pain, the unknown sprinkled with a bit of joy. It was a year where my body betrayed me after all the punishing hiking I did to it the year prior. A year of gaining back most of the weight I worked so hard to lose. A year of losing a dear friend who walked the same path to get our health back only to lose her life to cancer. A year of not being in the lives of some of the most important people to me. A year of me slowly sliding back to the Theresa I was prior to July 2015 when I decided to try and take my life back or rather find the life I know I deserve and never allowed.

But 2017 was also a learning year and I have high hopes for 2018. I spent most of 2017 on steroids and that is toxic and brutal to your system. I cannot blame all of my weight gain on them but that is a huge part of it. The gain, bloat and topped off with manic highs and lows due to it were brutal. I love my doctor, he is so genuinely interested in figuring out a solution to my back and hip issues. He has never given up and honors my wish to not be put on pain meds for the pain. I am feeling very optimistic that we finally hit the spot!! The last shot was in a cyst they found on my spine and although I am not close to being pain free, I am also not in that constant never ending cannot get it out of your mind pain level!

I decided 2018 is going to be my year to slow down and refocus my goals. I have always been in a hurry. A hurry to get to the store, to work, to listen to others, to eat, to walk, you name it and I will hurry through it. One upside to hurting myself was being forced to slow down on my walks. It is amazing what you miss when all you are focused on is going fast and getting to the goal. I found this awesome book so treated myself to it. It basically is about slowing down and taking your time. It is full of the most amazing things to do. The writing is beautiful and their FB page has all these wonderful memes to share and have others comment on. I am really looking forward to making my FB page more toward what I had intended it to be. One of the chapters has these wonderful cards that you pop out of the book and fill out. I love their idea of putting them in a jar and pulling them out when you need a reminder of how beautiful life can be.

I am excited to see what 2018 brings. I cannot wait to share more chapters of this book because it is so wonderful. If you are interested in it I would suggest purchasing through Amazon, it is on sale as we speak. One of the quotes in the book was this…. and let me tell you it hit hard for me this year. I lost one beautiful friend and I have another beautiful friend fighting for her life. My friends lost their loved ones… we get busy, we take for granted they will always be there. The first chapter of this book is from the perspective of the author and her friend who nearly died… That friend taught her to slow down, take time out of your day. Make your life and time a priority sometimes. Even a 10 minute meet up for a quick coffee could make all the difference in the world.

I shouldn’t have to wait for my friend to get sick for us to share wonderful moments together

Here is to an amazing and unhurried 2018 my friends~

Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.


Change, Exercise, Fear, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Be a Chive & Never Give Up (day 3 of 30)

I am cheating today and re-using a blog I did a year ago today. The sentiment is much the same so will just elaborate on it a bit.

The original intent of this blog was to be honest about my struggles, victories and everything in between in my effort to heal and find myself. Somewhere along the lines (actually from almost the start) I put all this pressure to be positive and only post positive upbeat things. But my reality is I am far from Ms. Positive, I struggle with being happy, I put on a fairly good front but it is just that. I need to be more honest about what I am feeling and going through. I am always so worried that I will hurt someone or disappoint and only end up hurting and disappointing me.

Not sure why I am in a funk but I am. I am eating what I should not eat, I am not sleeping, not exercising, not doing much of anything but crying and working. It will pass it always does.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I have not been a good friend to those I love. They have suffered losses and setbacks and just life in general and I have been stuck in this … whatever THIS is. I need to work on being the friend I know I can be and should be. Hug your loved ones and friends, tell them they matter… I miss my babies and grandbaby so much, I hate that my body is not allowing me to go to Burns.

I am tired and part of why I cannot sleep is I just cannot shut my brain off.. It just rambles on and on and on. I just want one night of my mind being shut off. I try yoga but between my tailbone I broke, my hip and my back sitting does not work and then….there is the not being able to focus because my brain won’t shut down. Nothing spectacular to blog about. I am sad, it will pass… I took a picture of this one lone little chive. I bought these planters 2 years ago and after the first season never bothered with them but every year in spite of the snow, rain, freezing ice, this one lone little chive pops back up…. I guess in a way I am like that little chive.


Every single experience that led you to today.

Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment.  It’s about the trials and errors that get you there – the blood, sweat, and tears – the small, inconsequential things you do every day.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with coworkers you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.

All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.  All of this has made you who you are today.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life

21 Day Fix, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Mindfulness, rain, Uncategorized

Avoidance, guilt and dread

I have pulled back from my social media and that is not entirely a bad thing. I wish I could get to the point of saying goodbye to Facebook but I have groups that I participate in even if I only lurk in them at times and the people in these groups have supported me in ways they will never know. I have grown to love these people even though I have never and likely will never meet them…. I have also not been very supportive of these people and that bothers me.

I am the queen of avoidance, guilt and dread. There is the sweetest old hippie living on my floor. Every single time I see him he asks about Deklin, he knows how old he is, he wants to see a picture of him. He asks how my children are and he asks if I have had a chance to go hiking and tells me how amazing my weight loss has been. He notices if I have had a crappy day and comments on my smile if I have had a good day. Some may think it creepy but I find it endearing and he is this kind to every person in the building who has taken the time to introduce themselves to him. He is genuinely the sweetest man I have met he ends every conversation with have a great day my friend. And yet….

I have been avoiding him, dreading if I know I am going to run into him. He has had a tough life, he was a victim of a hit and run and it left him fighting for his life. He survived but permanently injured and due to that became homeless and a heroin addict because of the pain. He is clean and has been for years now but he is in constant pain and yet he always and I mean ALWAYS has a smile on his face. There are days I see him and you can just see the pain in his eyes, he looks exhausted and his use of his cane and limp is more pronounced and yet…. there is always that smile and the greeting and the genuine concern for others…

I am not sure if it because I feel guilty that I am letting my perceived issues drag me down or because I am just so exhausted mentally and physically that I can barely muster a smile these days let alone converse with someone and appear interested. I had an acquaintance who I thought was a friend awhile back tell me she was tired of my woe is me attitude. That stung me to the core because part of this journey has been one of honesty and that means the good and the bad.. I have had people comment when I mention a struggle that I should be happy and thankful for the weight loss and life I have gained because of this journey. I think they are well meaning but pretending that I am ok 24/7 would be a lie. I have people following me that have thanked me for my honesty, that it helps them when they hit those bumps. So why do I feel guilty about being honest and sharing the downs as well as the ups.. One of the reasons I was obese and at times suicidal the last 38 years is due to feeling like I could not speak about my shame, pain or frustration.

I have lived most of my life avoiding conflict and dread interacting with people most times. I hate when people hurt and I think it is to a fault and the level of how I let it affect me is unhealthy. Because of this people tend to not tell me things in order to protect me. I understand that but I also need to learn to deal with it in a healthy fashion. I HATE that my loved ones (family and friends) hurt. I wish I could be like others who hand it over to God or whatever entity they believe in but I am not there yet. I cannot let it go and it drives me crazy. I hate when I see a homeless person on the street struggling, my heart hurts and I will spend hours thinking about them and how I wish I could help them.

I have said it before but I never thought that losing weight would bring forth such emotional issues but it has and losing 100 plus pounds was easier than this part of the journey. I am finding myself shrinking back into myself, avoiding people and not doing the things I have grown to love. I have not been walking or exercising like I was, I am finding love/hate in a loaf of bread (thankfully I have not gone back to any other bad eating habits). Last week I went on a hike with my friend, I am selfish and tend to not let anyone go with me as it is my time to think and be alone. I have many amazing friends and family but this friend is so zen… I do not know how to explain it, she is real and genuine and she has an entirely different belief system than I do and I envy the level of peace she finds. She struggles for sure, she has her own demons but her view of life and the level of empathy is like none other I have witnessed. It was so beautiful up there, I miss those hikes. Walking in town is not as pleasurable as it once was… I want the trees and creeks and the solitude. I need to get back to that… I need to go for those hikes again.

I made myself go to the farmers market and grabbed some apples and pears. I had some cranberries and frozen peaches that I had done up earlier this summer. I popped them in my Instapot with cinnamon, georgia peach pie spice and ginger (no sugar). It smells amazing…I went to dump my garbage and saw Daniel. He smiled that big ol smile and I found myself smiling and could not wait to show him my pictures of Deklin. We chatted and I genuinely enjoyed it… That simple act of forcing myself to leave my apartment, go walk a tiny bit at the market made all the difference in the world.

Slow and steady… I will never give up in my endeavor to become whoever it is I am meant to be. It will be amazing at times and it will be painful at times and I will share my joys and I will share my groans and anger. I am human and I will not pretend to be anything other than who I am…. whatever and whoever that may be.


Day 10 ~~ 30 Day Challenge ~~ Farmers Market, Friends and Food

I was so tired when I got up this morning…. I woke up at 3:30 am and just could not shut my brain down. I was just dragging about 8 am so toodled off to Target to get some of my favorite dried fruit I love. Bought a new exercise ball, resistance bands and hand weights! Then off to the farmers market with my friend Mary.

Mary cracks me up beyond belief, she is moving in June and I am so sad to see her leave but will be happy for her, she needs to be in a less stressful place and she is headed to the beach baby!!! We were at the farmers market, this lady who makes jewelry was very friendly to us until Mary said, oh look you can wear a classy pin AND smoke a joint at the same time. She was looking at this pin, it had 3 head like things on it that in Mary’s defense looked like roach clips. I swear the entire earth went silent, you could hear crickets!!! It was not roach clips, I started laughing so loud, the lady is staring at us with this glare that was telling us to put the product down, move along and NEVER EVER return. I died laughing, her reaction, Mary’s mistake and the absolute silence was awesome! Oh how I needed that laugh, it was a BELLY laugh!!! We continued on our way and came across these flowers, oh how I wish I could afford to buy some!20150425_094839-1 20150425_094843-1

Headed home after the market and did a bit of housework. My friend asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her boyfriend so we headed to this amazing little restaurant Agave Azul, for those of you in the Gresham/Portland area, it is worth the trip. Fresh made, mostly authentic, amazing flavors. I had the Sopes, little maza cakes with chicken and steak, pico de gallo, lettuce, mexican cheese and the most amazing salsa. YUMMM20150425_172734

Rod went for the “Big Margarita” that is what they call it! He finished one and as you can see from the second photo by the time they brought the second one he was smiley! He is a Central Oregon transplant who coaches swimming, he is one of the sweetest men I know and is so wonderful to the kids. 20150425_172744 (1) 20150425_173128

Pam is my coworker and a great friend, she makes me laugh, she pokes me when I am putting myself down, she is one of my biggest supporters in this journey I am on. I adore her and she cracks me up daily. I know people listen to our conversations and must think WTF those two are seriously nuts!!! She is one of the few people in the world who I can be “me” around.

20150425_173133 20150425_173152 (1)

After dinner I took a little walk, it is a stormy beautiful night. I am exhausted but my mind is not as muddled. Headed to bed, I think for the first time in a long time I am going to sleep a little better. I needed to refresh and unload and not talk or even think work, life, my journey I am taking. Nothing but good people, good food, several walks and now a wonderful stormy night!!!! Hugs my friends.