Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.

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Change, Exercise, Fear, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Be a Chive & Never Give Up (day 3 of 30)

I am cheating today and re-using a blog I did a year ago today. The sentiment is much the same so will just elaborate on it a bit.

The original intent of this blog was to be honest about my struggles, victories and everything in between in my effort to heal and find myself. Somewhere along the lines (actually from almost the start) I put all this pressure to be positive and only post positive upbeat things. But my reality is I am far from Ms. Positive, I struggle with being happy, I put on a fairly good front but it is just that. I need to be more honest about what I am feeling and going through. I am always so worried that I will hurt someone or disappoint and only end up hurting and disappointing me.

Not sure why I am in a funk but I am. I am eating what I should not eat, I am not sleeping, not exercising, not doing much of anything but crying and working. It will pass it always does.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I have not been a good friend to those I love. They have suffered losses and setbacks and just life in general and I have been stuck in this … whatever THIS is. I need to work on being the friend I know I can be and should be. Hug your loved ones and friends, tell them they matter… I miss my babies and grandbaby so much, I hate that my body is not allowing me to go to Burns.

I am tired and part of why I cannot sleep is I just cannot shut my brain off.. It just rambles on and on and on. I just want one night of my mind being shut off. I try yoga but between my tailbone I broke, my hip and my back sitting does not work and then….there is the not being able to focus because my brain won’t shut down. Nothing spectacular to blog about. I am sad, it will pass… I took a picture of this one lone little chive. I bought these planters 2 years ago and after the first season never bothered with them but every year in spite of the snow, rain, freezing ice, this one lone little chive pops back up…. I guess in a way I am like that little chive.

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Every single experience that led you to today.

Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment.  It’s about the trials and errors that get you there – the blood, sweat, and tears – the small, inconsequential things you do every day.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with coworkers you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.

All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.  All of this has made you who you are today.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life

21 Day Fix, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Mindfulness, rain, Uncategorized

Avoidance, guilt and dread

I have pulled back from my social media and that is not entirely a bad thing. I wish I could get to the point of saying goodbye to Facebook but I have groups that I participate in even if I only lurk in them at times and the people in these groups have supported me in ways they will never know. I have grown to love these people even though I have never and likely will never meet them…. I have also not been very supportive of these people and that bothers me.

I am the queen of avoidance, guilt and dread. There is the sweetest old hippie living on my floor. Every single time I see him he asks about Deklin, he knows how old he is, he wants to see a picture of him. He asks how my children are and he asks if I have had a chance to go hiking and tells me how amazing my weight loss has been. He notices if I have had a crappy day and comments on my smile if I have had a good day. Some may think it creepy but I find it endearing and he is this kind to every person in the building who has taken the time to introduce themselves to him. He is genuinely the sweetest man I have met he ends every conversation with have a great day my friend. And yet….

I have been avoiding him, dreading if I know I am going to run into him. He has had a tough life, he was a victim of a hit and run and it left him fighting for his life. He survived but permanently injured and due to that became homeless and a heroin addict because of the pain. He is clean and has been for years now but he is in constant pain and yet he always and I mean ALWAYS has a smile on his face. There are days I see him and you can just see the pain in his eyes, he looks exhausted and his use of his cane and limp is more pronounced and yet…. there is always that smile and the greeting and the genuine concern for others…

I am not sure if it because I feel guilty that I am letting my perceived issues drag me down or because I am just so exhausted mentally and physically that I can barely muster a smile these days let alone converse with someone and appear interested. I had an acquaintance who I thought was a friend awhile back tell me she was tired of my woe is me attitude. That stung me to the core because part of this journey has been one of honesty and that means the good and the bad.. I have had people comment when I mention a struggle that I should be happy and thankful for the weight loss and life I have gained because of this journey. I think they are well meaning but pretending that I am ok 24/7 would be a lie. I have people following me that have thanked me for my honesty, that it helps them when they hit those bumps. So why do I feel guilty about being honest and sharing the downs as well as the ups.. One of the reasons I was obese and at times suicidal the last 38 years is due to feeling like I could not speak about my shame, pain or frustration.

I have lived most of my life avoiding conflict and dread interacting with people most times. I hate when people hurt and I think it is to a fault and the level of how I let it affect me is unhealthy. Because of this people tend to not tell me things in order to protect me. I understand that but I also need to learn to deal with it in a healthy fashion. I HATE that my loved ones (family and friends) hurt. I wish I could be like others who hand it over to God or whatever entity they believe in but I am not there yet. I cannot let it go and it drives me crazy. I hate when I see a homeless person on the street struggling, my heart hurts and I will spend hours thinking about them and how I wish I could help them.

I have said it before but I never thought that losing weight would bring forth such emotional issues but it has and losing 100 plus pounds was easier than this part of the journey. I am finding myself shrinking back into myself, avoiding people and not doing the things I have grown to love. I have not been walking or exercising like I was, I am finding love/hate in a loaf of bread (thankfully I have not gone back to any other bad eating habits). Last week I went on a hike with my friend, I am selfish and tend to not let anyone go with me as it is my time to think and be alone. I have many amazing friends and family but this friend is so zen… I do not know how to explain it, she is real and genuine and she has an entirely different belief system than I do and I envy the level of peace she finds. She struggles for sure, she has her own demons but her view of life and the level of empathy is like none other I have witnessed. It was so beautiful up there, I miss those hikes. Walking in town is not as pleasurable as it once was… I want the trees and creeks and the solitude. I need to get back to that… I need to go for those hikes again.

I made myself go to the farmers market and grabbed some apples and pears. I had some cranberries and frozen peaches that I had done up earlier this summer. I popped them in my Instapot with cinnamon, georgia peach pie spice and ginger (no sugar). It smells amazing…I went to dump my garbage and saw Daniel. He smiled that big ol smile and I found myself smiling and could not wait to show him my pictures of Deklin. We chatted and I genuinely enjoyed it… That simple act of forcing myself to leave my apartment, go walk a tiny bit at the market made all the difference in the world.

Slow and steady… I will never give up in my endeavor to become whoever it is I am meant to be. It will be amazing at times and it will be painful at times and I will share my joys and I will share my groans and anger. I am human and I will not pretend to be anything other than who I am…. whatever and whoever that may be.

Uncategorized

Day 10 ~~ 30 Day Challenge ~~ Farmers Market, Friends and Food

I was so tired when I got up this morning…. I woke up at 3:30 am and just could not shut my brain down. I was just dragging about 8 am so toodled off to Target to get some of my favorite dried fruit I love. Bought a new exercise ball, resistance bands and hand weights! Then off to the farmers market with my friend Mary.

Mary cracks me up beyond belief, she is moving in June and I am so sad to see her leave but will be happy for her, she needs to be in a less stressful place and she is headed to the beach baby!!! We were at the farmers market, this lady who makes jewelry was very friendly to us until Mary said, oh look you can wear a classy pin AND smoke a joint at the same time. She was looking at this pin, it had 3 head like things on it that in Mary’s defense looked like roach clips. I swear the entire earth went silent, you could hear crickets!!! It was not roach clips, I started laughing so loud, the lady is staring at us with this glare that was telling us to put the product down, move along and NEVER EVER return. I died laughing, her reaction, Mary’s mistake and the absolute silence was awesome! Oh how I needed that laugh, it was a BELLY laugh!!! We continued on our way and came across these flowers, oh how I wish I could afford to buy some!20150425_094839-1 20150425_094843-1

Headed home after the market and did a bit of housework. My friend asked me if I wanted to go to dinner with her and her boyfriend so we headed to this amazing little restaurant Agave Azul, for those of you in the Gresham/Portland area, it is worth the trip. Fresh made, mostly authentic, amazing flavors. I had the Sopes, little maza cakes with chicken and steak, pico de gallo, lettuce, mexican cheese and the most amazing salsa. YUMMM20150425_172734

Rod went for the “Big Margarita” that is what they call it! He finished one and as you can see from the second photo by the time they brought the second one he was smiley! He is a Central Oregon transplant who coaches swimming, he is one of the sweetest men I know and is so wonderful to the kids. 20150425_172744 (1) 20150425_173128

Pam is my coworker and a great friend, she makes me laugh, she pokes me when I am putting myself down, she is one of my biggest supporters in this journey I am on. I adore her and she cracks me up daily. I know people listen to our conversations and must think WTF those two are seriously nuts!!! She is one of the few people in the world who I can be “me” around.

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After dinner I took a little walk, it is a stormy beautiful night. I am exhausted but my mind is not as muddled. Headed to bed, I think for the first time in a long time I am going to sleep a little better. I needed to refresh and unload and not talk or even think work, life, my journey I am taking. Nothing but good people, good food, several walks and now a wonderful stormy night!!!! Hugs my friends.

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