21 Day Fix, Change, Clean_Eating, Uncategorized

Soapbox Saturday

So I have dubbed today soap box Saturday! I went to the farmers market and got so many amazing things that I know are healthy. I was reminded how a year ago I went every Saturday and bought produce and fruits that I could freeze. Herein lies my soap box speech. If you prep you increase your ability to succeed tenfold. What I noticed the last 6 months since my injuries is I no longer do the amount of prep I used to. I still do a little but not enough. If you prep you will succeed. **hint if you pre-chop lettuce or cabbage try to use a ceramic knife you will avoid the browning and the excuse to not eat it!

I used to take one Saturday a month and spend maybe 4 hours doing mass prepping. I made steel cut oats and measured and froze for 1 yellow container. Pop it out of the freezer the night before and take to work the next day. No excuse to buy unhealthy breakfast. I would clean and pre-measure fruits to freeze for my smoothies, although now I realize I can just freeze in a bag and measure it out LOL. I made large batches of soups and would measure and individually freeze, pre-cook meat and pre-measure. Anything I could prep ahead of time and pop in the freezer I did. Even if I was tired and did not pull anything out to thaw I could just pop in the micro! I boiled eggs and kept a supply at all times in the fridge, prepped fresh veggies as well.

Not only does it save time and money but it saves the excuse to order out. I spent less than $30 for all the items in the picture today and most of that cost was the garlic because HELLO FRESH GARLIC!

I never make a batch of soup that takes me longer than 30 minutes start to finish and it is so good and so healthy. If you mass prep once a month you will only need to do minimal the rest of the month. WE are worth that extra few hours.

My daughter showing up yesterday was a reminder of just how depressed I have been, how this 50 pound gain has sucked the joy out of me. YES it is just a number but it is a number that has made my pain even worse, that has stopped me from finding my joy outside. Just being in the fresh air, laughing and being goofy was the best medicine I could have. And even though it was a short visit it reminded me that if I continue on this slow gain I am not going to be around to enjoy the times I do get with my kids.

Make yourself a priority, it is not selfish. If your spouse is not on board tell them how important it is and if they still are not so be it they can eat the way they choose. This lifestyle should not require making separate meals, the food is amazing and tasty and reality is WE owe it to ourselves and our loved ones. For many of us our weight is dangerous level. Our children and loved ones deserve to have mom and dad around to raise them. They deserve to have good examples so they do not struggle the same as we have for so many years. If I had not done this I would be dead or at the very least suffering from stroke related issues. It is hard and it is harder if we make it harder. If you make it a lifestyle and never ever allow yourself to feel deprived you will succeed.

Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.

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Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Keep Calm and Carry on (day 8 of 30)

I was worried about having my MRI today, last time I had a really hard time not panicking. My friend Pam took to me to my appointment and we got there early so decided to walk at the little park across the street. I was feeling a bit panicky and waiting for the ativan to kick in. Thankfully I did not have to go all the way in, the meds kicked in and I did not panic but man it hurt to lay there.

Such pretty trees and a view that I do not normally get to see. Got to visit with her daughter Camille, play with Kira, eat breakfast and have a drink… ok I had water. And my daughter shared a picture of my goofy grandpuppy. All in all a pretty ok day. Fingers crossed for some answers. Slipped into a coma when I got home so fingers crossed I will be able to sleep tonight!

I am trying to keep my world zen… my blood pressure has gone up a little and the fact that I cracked 2 teeth is an indicator of how stressed I am. As painful as it is sometimes you just have to take a step back from people. I know I am guilty as well this whole election and #45 dealings is frightening and although I do not want to dwell on it day in and day out…..we simply cannot pretend like it is not there. We have to keep aware so in 2018 we vote the right way… but I think there is a fine line and I am trying to walk that line. I have lost several more friends on Facebook lately and that is ok….cleaning house or having your house cleaned is a good thing.

So I am thankful I have insurance, I am thankful I have a friend who will waste an entire beautiful day on shuttling me around. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for pain, it shows I am alive how is that a stretch for positivity!!!

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Never underestimate the gift of your health.  It’s the greatest wealth you will ever own.  It’s the foundation for every chance at happiness and success life has to offer.  Your body is the only place you will truly ever live.

Respect your body.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Breathe deeply.  Move harmoniously.  Daily.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

 

Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Uncategorized

Acceptance and Commitment (day 7 of 30)

20160528_185251I am not really feeling it tonight. But I made a promise to do 30 days so here I am. Commitment and follow through have never been a strong point for me. I can do really well and then just like that I stop. I used to just accept that was the way I would always be. But I am tired of being that person. I need to learn that I cannot change people, I cannot change for people and sometimes it just is what it is.

Tomorrow I have another MRI and fingers crossed I will not freak out like last time. I really struggled to not push the button. I am taking an anti anxiety med before hand. I am also hoping this will give me some answers. My pain is as bad as it ever has been. My weight is going up and my exercise going down. My doctor has suggested I not sit for long periods of time given my leg is going numb so I am really limited on where I can go. But I have decided I need to go for a daily walk, get my eating back in order and focus on yoga at this point to help the muscles stretch.

So there ya go… just another little stumble in my journey. But I will dust myself off and start plodding down that path again.

The familiar faces, places and situations you rely on daily.

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.”

Have you ever noticed that the more familiar you become with an amazing person, a beautiful place, or an ideal situation in your life, the more you seem to take it for granted?  It’s like you somehow believe life is supposed to be this way – like it won’t ever change.  And most of the time, all the maintenance these wonderful things need is a little time, attention, and deliberate appreciation.

So how often do you pause to appreciate your life and everyone and everything in it?  How often do you stop dead in your tracks and think, “Wow, thank you”?

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

 

Change, Chicken, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, Habit, Journey to happiness, Kitchen, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

Vitamins & Minerals Oh My! (day 6 of 30)

My struggle to eat as healthy as possible has hit a bump. I ate so clean and loved every minute of it a year ago and then…… old Theresa came back. Now I do not eat terrible but I do not eat as good as I used to. My ultimate goal is to become strictly vegetarian. But until I can do that healthfully I am will continue to eat chicken now and again.

I found this book on vitamins and minerals, that is truly what I struggle getting enough of, so I am going to study it and I am going to conquer the battle of healthy eating. I cannot believe how far off track I have gotten and that feeling of terrible bloating is back with a vengeance.  I miss walking but you know what I will get there again. My sad laundry list of aches and pains seems to grow almost daily and I know the key to combating this is to eat as healthy and clean as possible.

I have been trying to find something cool to take pictures of daily and share but all day today I had a headache and muscle spasms that were worse every time I breathed and well… breathing is essential so I just grabbed the column I pas every day on my way into work. You can barely see it but I got a sliver of the moon as well. So that said this is a short post today. I am going to prop myself in front of the fan in my bedroom and start reading my book. Tomorrow morning I will grab a few vegetables from the farmers market and Sunday is an MRI.

The way every moment is a new beginning.

If you feel stressed and stuck, let go, take a deep breath and appreciate the fact that this moment is a new beginning.  Stop thinking about what might have been and starting looking at what can be.  Right now is a perfect time to start over.  This moment is a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.

There are three little words that can release you from your past struggles and regrets and guide you forward to a positive new beginning.  These words are: “From now on…”

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Change, Exercise, Fear, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Be a Chive & Never Give Up (day 3 of 30)

I am cheating today and re-using a blog I did a year ago today. The sentiment is much the same so will just elaborate on it a bit.

The original intent of this blog was to be honest about my struggles, victories and everything in between in my effort to heal and find myself. Somewhere along the lines (actually from almost the start) I put all this pressure to be positive and only post positive upbeat things. But my reality is I am far from Ms. Positive, I struggle with being happy, I put on a fairly good front but it is just that. I need to be more honest about what I am feeling and going through. I am always so worried that I will hurt someone or disappoint and only end up hurting and disappointing me.

Not sure why I am in a funk but I am. I am eating what I should not eat, I am not sleeping, not exercising, not doing much of anything but crying and working. It will pass it always does.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about how I have not been a good friend to those I love. They have suffered losses and setbacks and just life in general and I have been stuck in this … whatever THIS is. I need to work on being the friend I know I can be and should be. Hug your loved ones and friends, tell them they matter… I miss my babies and grandbaby so much, I hate that my body is not allowing me to go to Burns.

I am tired and part of why I cannot sleep is I just cannot shut my brain off.. It just rambles on and on and on. I just want one night of my mind being shut off. I try yoga but between my tailbone I broke, my hip and my back sitting does not work and then….there is the not being able to focus because my brain won’t shut down. Nothing spectacular to blog about. I am sad, it will pass… I took a picture of this one lone little chive. I bought these planters 2 years ago and after the first season never bothered with them but every year in spite of the snow, rain, freezing ice, this one lone little chive pops back up…. I guess in a way I am like that little chive.

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Every single experience that led you to today.

Life isn’t about a single moment of great triumph and attainment.  It’s about the trials and errors that get you there – the blood, sweat, and tears – the small, inconsequential things you do every day.  It all matters in the end – every step, every regret, every decision, and every affliction.

The seemingly useless happenings add up to something.  The minimum wage job you had in high school.  The evenings you spent socializing with coworkers you never see anymore.  The hours you spent writing thoughts on a personal blog that no one reads.  Contemplations about elaborate future plans that never came to be.  All those lonely nights spent reading novels and news columns and comics strips and fashion magazines and questioning your own principles on life and sex and religion and whether or not you’re good enough just the way you are.

All of this has strengthened you.  All of this has led you to every success you’ve ever had.  All of this has made you who you are today.

From Marc and Angel Hack Life

Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rain, Uncategorized

It’s the Little Things in Life (day 1 of 30)

Day 1 – 30 Day Challenge . Last year around this time I was challenged to a 30 day positive challenge. I am going to do it again as the memories on Facebook popping up have been amazing. However this year my challenge is to everyday find something to be thankful for regardless of how the day went. I will also be true to how I am really feeling. I did a lot of covering up last year, always putting on a smiling face because I had been taken to task by a few people on being honest…they interpreted that as being “woe is me or ungrateful”.

Today is Mother’s Day and I am unable to spend it with my children, grandson or mom. Last year the weather was beautiful and I went for a hike. This year I have a messed up back and hip and it is raining but that is ok. It is the little things in life that make it good. I cleaned, I stretched, I cooked a tasty dinner and made extra for work. I heard from my son, daughter and mom! I inadvertently flashed some men in the parking lot I mean who can say their day has been that fun filled! I soaked in an epsom salt tub, I even shaved my legs!

Some might read this and think…of that poor woman alone on Mother’s Day… how sad. But I have learned the last 2 years since starting this journey that life is what we make it. It will be full of ups and downs and sideways. I have amazing friends, some I have known my entire life, some I have never met other than on social media and some I have met since moving to the city 18 years ago.

July 20, 2015 will be 2 years since I took back my life. It has not always been easy but every single struggle has been worth it and every single victory has been even sweeter. I am not done, likely I will never be done. I spent 38 years hiding behind obesity. I spent those 38 years masking a pain that at times cut me to the core and left me fighting to not end my life. BUT I never gave up and I never will give up. I will embrace the good, the bad and the ugly and I will be honest about it.

I am sitting here listening to the rain and some thunder. I have horrible tinnitus and it can be truly debilitating I think what angers me most about it is I cannot enjoy solitude. If you have not suffered it I think it is really hard to understand. I realized just how bad it was when I was hiking awhile back and the silence was deafening…literally… It was painful how loud the ringing was, sometimes it reverberates and sometimes it just hurts. BUT I am finding with my better eating habits and breathing habits I can stand it a bit better. I almost always have the tv on for sound. I am sitting here with it off and actually enjoying the sound of the rain and occasional car.

Like I said it is the little things in life, a sound machine, the rain and wind, a healthy meal. A tub full of epsom salts and a razor to shave with. A view that is so beautiful even in the darkest of rainy days.

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Time to Refocus

Many of you know my back story and how I got to be 300 pound Theresa. Many of you know that on July 2015 I made a promise to myself. I promised I would commit 100% for 21 days while doing the 21 day fix. I did those 21 days and recommitted myself to another then another then another. I set a goal of losing 140 pounds.
 
I hit 100 lost and met with a dietitian who asked me why I thought I needed to lose another 40. I could not get beyond the number. She asked me to look in the mirror and what I saw was 300 pound Theresa even though I was 180. She told me to look again really look… Even though I was 180 pounds and a size 10 I still saw size 28, 300 pound Theresa. I started my journey at 280 which was not even my heaviest. I said I was afraid my body at 5’3″ could not handle still being 180 I was in pain. She told me to take a rest and work on my mind…that my body could handle it. That if after a month or so I still felt I needed to lose I could. Reality is every person I told I still needed to lose another 40 stated I would be unhealthy and that is true. I looked and felt healthy at 180.
 
I was hiking 10 to 15 miles a day, I was obsessed with it. I had gone from not being able to move to hiking that amount in about 4 months time. I pushed my body so hard that I hit a wall. My pain was so bad but I was so afraid to slow down so kept pushing and then that wall stopped me. I started physical therapy and was told no more hikes for a while. My depression hit back. At one point I had gotten to 170 but slowly the pounds started going back on. And today I sit at 202.
 
Reality is I was not burning 4500 calories a day anymore, I was not eating bad but I was not burning those calories. Then financially I also hit a wall and made the decision I could not afford Shakeology any more. In my mind I really thought I was going to be ok, that I could maintain. Emotionally I have also hit a wall. I feel like everywhere I turn is a damn wall. I am not the happy person I was 6 months ago, my clothes do not fit, my body hurts so bad, emotionally I am a mess. All my stress is not about my weight etc. There is so much to it but not something I can share.
 
Final straw for me was more like a bale of straw. My underwire is poking me in my arms and my boobs are spilling over my bra, my pants are tight (I had to put away my 10’s and dig out my 14/16 I had saved to give away). My underwear are too tight (do not be jelly of my paisley panties I NEVER thought I would share that picture!). I am a bit more winded walking with my friend in the mall. My results from the xrays were not want I expected and although they are not good I finally have an answer for some of the pain. But the biggest issue is I am not happy… I am not sleeping, I am angry, I am not a nice person. I am slipping back to that damaged angry depressed Theresa I was a year and a half ago. I do not want to be that person.
 
I am so determined to not give up. I have a beautiful little grandson I need to be alive for, I have an amazing son and daughter. I have wonderful family and friends. I have EVERYTHING to live for. I am not going to give up. I am going to get refocused. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is not me beating myself up, this is me being honest, taking responsibility for my actions. One day the numbers will not matter, I am trying to focus less on that and more on just being as healthy as I can be. This is me taking back my life once again, this is me not giving up. This me making ME a priority.
 
I have sat here tonight crying, staring at the computer debating if once again I should post something. I worry people are just going to say enough. I know I say that all the time but I really do worry. BUT this is what kept me honest, this is what helped me though some of the toughest, scariest times. So I bit the bullet and signed up for the yearly pass with shakeo. I know one day I will not need to use it or at least not daily but until then I will go back to using it and focusing on eating as clean as I was. No more excuses, taking the added weight off, dedicating myself to eating as clean as I was again are going to be what helps with the pain.
 
I will get back to where I can walk, I will get back to happy Theresa.. I need to learn to be ok with walking a mile or two maybe one day I will get back to that monster hiker I was but slow and steady will win this race. I will learn to be ok with monster hikes being occasional and not daily. I made a collage of varying times in this journey and I realize that even in my snappy coral pants which my lowest I was not my happiest. The picture of me in the blue jacket, the trip I took with my daughter to the coast shows my joy. It was carefree, I did not obsess over the top on food, I did not even get the amount of walking in I had hoped for. But I SLOWED down, I just looked at things, I took it all in, I was truly happy that week. I will be ok… I am tougher than I think. Goodnight sweet friends. 170109.jpg
Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Changes

I participated in a 3 week challenge with my amazing coaches and I am seriously happy! I was ok with just the feeling better aspect of this challenge but my results are awesome! I still have people question if this sort of thing works or not and that it is too hard. I have stated in the past that I had initially lost 115 pounds and then life happened and I put 20 pounds back on.

I am still unable to hike 10-15 miles a day like I was and I have to modify the modify once I can actually start working out again. So with the rare exception that I got to go hiking these results for the last 3 weeks have been changing my eating habits solely. I still eat super clean just not as diligent as I was, I started sneaking around with bread… we broke up 3 weeks ago…

I am dialing my eating back in, I had been under eating and under drinking my water and anytime I do that I end up gaining. These challenges are such good reminders of why this way of eating is the only way to go.

I started at 195.8 and am 189.3 today for a loss of 6 pounds. I started at 231 inches and today am 222.5 inches for a loss of 8.5 inches. But more importantly I am not bloated, my mood is better, I am not in as much pain. This way of life is about so much more than loss on the scale or tape (but hey it doesn’t hurt if it happens)!

 

LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rape, Safety Pin, Trump, Uncategorized, What If's

I WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING

I have never felt so unloved, alone and abandoned as I do right now. I am tired of being told to get over it and to put my big girl pants on. I am tired of having to try to explain why this election is so different. I am tired of wanting to go back to that person I was who hid in my mind. This is my story and I am but a blip in the world of these stories. I am not going to shut up and I am not going to stop talking about it. This election has empowered people to think they can be openly cruel to anyone deemed inferior and some people I know and care about will never get that… I cannot keep trying to help them understand I just no longer have that energy. So remember my story when you defend those people. Pray that your daughter or son never suffers this indignity. If you have a friend of color or a different religion or is gay, reach out to them, hug them and do not stop because this pain and fear will not end anytime soon. If you are tired of me talking about it feel free to move on it will not hurt my feelings. I am not going to be quiet anymore out of fear or reprisal of losing someone. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to be a white entitled woman. 
I was 14 when I was raped, as I fought him in the back of his car screaming and crying I looked up and saw 2 men looking in. My heart was so relieved…and then they took pictures and laughed and a part of me died that night. I never told a soul what happened until 38 years later. In order to survive my shame I looked at the barrel of a gun or the razor at my wrists… the only thing that saved me was my feeling that I was such a loser that I would not even be successful at killing myself.
 
Instead of suicide I turned to drugs and alcohol. I broke my parents hearts by no longer talking to them, I ended up dropping out of school and stole so I could keep my “boyfriend” high or drunk so he would talk to me or love me. My parents eventually made me a ward of the court and that saved my life. I decided when I was sent away that I would make myself fat so no man would ever hurt me again.
 
I ended up pregnant and married at barely 17. It was not a good marriage. I loved my boy but it was not fair to him I was so damaged I was not the mom he deserved those first few years. I had a daughter with this man as well, spent 14 years married. One day he went to the store and never came back. Neither of us was ready for that marriage. We were better parents separately than together.
 
I spent the next 3 years working multi jobs and spending my time with my amazing children. They were my life line. I ended up marrying the most narcissistic man. In the year we dated he left me at least 6 times and I welcomed him back each time. He made it clear to me I was lucky he was with me, he would call me a crack whore, fat and ugly. My self esteem was so non existent I took him at his word. He cheated and mentally and verbally abused me to the point of my fighting the urge to cross the yellow line on the freeways. When I received the call from a friend that my son was critically injured and they did not think he would live he offered no support. My daughter and I drove 4 hours at midnight to hopefully get to him in time. He did not offer to drive me regardless of the fact I was in shock.. I spent 6 weeks at my sons bedside while he was in the CCU, he came once and only because he wanted to, as he put it, fuck me. Thank God for my daughter who held me up… Eventually he left….
 
14 years later I am still single, still have never had an orgasm and likely never will. The damage done to my insides from my rape and the mental flashbacks to that night anytime a man touches me just does not allow for it. I have been celibate the last 14 years I am not sure I can ever date again. I thought I could I really really thought I was at a spot where maybe I could but that has been taken away again.
 
I gave up drugs and drinking when I was pregnant and made myself a 300 pound “happy” woman. In my mind that was my safety net. A year ago I was told I was going to be a gramma and my doctors said I was going to die if I did not do something. I lost 110 pounds, the equivalent of that 14 year old girl. I shed that sweet innocent victim and now I had no clue as to who I am.. I decided to blog about my journey and be completely honest. It was painful but helped me be honest. My friend supported me, they held me up when I was down, they commented on my blog or posts. They gave me advice and liked my posts. They comforted me when I was broken… and then… the pussy story came out. In that instant everything came rushing back. All the pain and memories were raw again. I saw friends defending him. I was told by some people that I only have gotten to know on here that women are not raped they can simply say no.. I tried to write about why it is dangerous and painful. I got comments but most not in support.
 
And then what little support I did receive stopped on 11-8-16. I am talking people who have felt the need to offer up advice, who held me up in my lowest all of the sudden because of a post regarding why people need to understand voting for Trump is telling many people they do not count. Nothing just crickets on my page. Of the 370 people on my page 3 commented on that post. One is a married gay friend with a child… One is a friend who I used to work with. The ones who get it, who are living it or know someone who is are all I have left and that is enough but man it is painful.. For the first time in years I thought of that yellow line.. my children, mom and grandson are what keep me going. I would never kill myself so do not worry.. But I have never felt such loss as I do right now.
 
I HATE facebook and yet I have a group that supports my weight loss journey that I cannot bare to leave… and I have another group that truly hurts as much as I do. I feel empowered, I am still struggling and I know that life is never going to be the same. I held my friends who were not of the Trump norm, I still hold them and cry with them and likely that will not stop anytime soon. I was walking through the mall on my lunch and there was a homeless girl on a bench sobbing into her hands, a boy was next to her ignoring her. She said something about she is my mom how could she… and I did not hear the rest.
People who did not blatantly ignore her looked at her with disgust. My friend and I walked past and I started crying it broke my heart she is someones daughter. I had to go back. I knelt in front of her and touched her leg, she looked up scared. I took her hand and said I do not know what is hurting her but that my heart hurts for her. That as a mother it breaks my heart to see her so sad. She mouthed thank you but looked back down. I took her beautiful dirty tear stained face in my hands and looked her in her eyes and said I love you, I am so sorry you are hurting but you matter. She asked if she could hug me and we held each other. She gave me such a gift in that moment.
 
So to those who are walking this path with me thank you for giving me a lifeline because I need it… we all need it. I do not know all of you but I love each of you, you are my new family and friends and we are going to make a difference and I am not going to shut up anymore I am not going to let someone shame me and tell me I asked for rape as a 14 year old virgin.
To my friends who are trying to understand and maybe just do not know how to say it or how to respond thank you… 
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