Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Sometimes You Have to Veer From the Path

I made a decision today… well I made the decision to not give up long ago but today I decided to start blogging again. I have had lots of people who used to follow me ask me when I was going to share again and that they are looking forward to hearing what I find works for my back. So many people suffer pain.

My decision is to take a different path on this journey. I am going to back track my back hip issues, explain how I got here and what I have done so far. I think it will help me as well. Reality is this pain likely will never subside but I will do what I can to make it manageable. Twice this week I had to stay home from work and that just is not ok in my book. Thankfully I do have the option to work from home 2 days a week and that will help with icing etc.

A bit ago I decided to work my way to the bathroom and shower… amazing how not only a steamy hot shower helps the muscles a bit but just mentally is kind of a clean start. I am taking part in a spine clinic and one of the gals said when her pain gets overwhelming and she is home she changes her socks, brushes her teeth and spritzes her face. A silly sounding thing but it just helps start anew.

I took two pictures that sum up how I feel today…I have spent the last week off and on in tears from the pain and frustration. I am bloated, I cannot hike, I am gaining, have to go back on steroids again and on and on BUT I can walk, my pain is constant but not this bad always… this is a flair and it will pass and I am lucky… some in my group never have it pass. I will take another picture in a week and have it be authentic… it will be interesting to see the changes.

I am a solitary creature and that can sometimes be problematic. I am stubborn and often just want to be left to my own devices 😊😊 I am looking forward to this new journey. I am not going to focus and try to not obsess about the weight. But it is hard… to have lost and gained so much freedom and now to have stepped so far back is heart breaking to me. Most will not understand and that is ok because even though it is a number to me it symbolizes so much more.

Getting my mind focused and working on solutions is going to ultimately help me lose the steroid bloat and gain once I am done with them.. losing that weight will help my pain, it will lower all my blood test numbers again.

Because reality is if you focus on health, wellness, eating as clean as possible you will lose. When I first started I was unable to do much more than get to work. The first month I just ate as clean as possible no exercises and lost, the second month I could barely walk the perimeter of my parking lot without painful shin splints and yet I still lost.

So no excuses. As long as I am taking steroids and the shots I will not lose and will likely gain BUT I can minimize it by being healthy so when I can get back to being active it won’t be as hard and man nothing felt as good as that clean eating. Today an FB memory popped up and it was painful… but it is something I cannot change so I share my pain with my friend and move on until the next time.

We have to choose a goal to work on over a 3 month period at the end of this clinic. Mine is going to be get up to 10K in steps. I can never go back to monster hiking daily but end goal will be to be able to do them on weekends and to finish my goal of being able to gently jog or run…it is so important to me so I will be patient❤️

I sat on my deck writing this, it is so nice and dual blessing the cast iron chair works as an ice pack 😂😂. I am feeling strangely slightly happy at this very moment… I will take it. Sweet dreams friends❤️

Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rain, Uncategorized

It’s the Little Things in Life (day 1 of 30)

Day 1 – 30 Day Challenge . Last year around this time I was challenged to a 30 day positive challenge. I am going to do it again as the memories on Facebook popping up have been amazing. However this year my challenge is to everyday find something to be thankful for regardless of how the day went. I will also be true to how I am really feeling. I did a lot of covering up last year, always putting on a smiling face because I had been taken to task by a few people on being honest…they interpreted that as being “woe is me or ungrateful”.

Today is Mother’s Day and I am unable to spend it with my children, grandson or mom. Last year the weather was beautiful and I went for a hike. This year I have a messed up back and hip and it is raining but that is ok. It is the little things in life that make it good. I cleaned, I stretched, I cooked a tasty dinner and made extra for work. I heard from my son, daughter and mom! I inadvertently flashed some men in the parking lot I mean who can say their day has been that fun filled! I soaked in an epsom salt tub, I even shaved my legs!

Some might read this and think…of that poor woman alone on Mother’s Day… how sad. But I have learned the last 2 years since starting this journey that life is what we make it. It will be full of ups and downs and sideways. I have amazing friends, some I have known my entire life, some I have never met other than on social media and some I have met since moving to the city 18 years ago.

July 20, 2015 will be 2 years since I took back my life. It has not always been easy but every single struggle has been worth it and every single victory has been even sweeter. I am not done, likely I will never be done. I spent 38 years hiding behind obesity. I spent those 38 years masking a pain that at times cut me to the core and left me fighting to not end my life. BUT I never gave up and I never will give up. I will embrace the good, the bad and the ugly and I will be honest about it.

I am sitting here listening to the rain and some thunder. I have horrible tinnitus and it can be truly debilitating I think what angers me most about it is I cannot enjoy solitude. If you have not suffered it I think it is really hard to understand. I realized just how bad it was when I was hiking awhile back and the silence was deafening…literally… It was painful how loud the ringing was, sometimes it reverberates and sometimes it just hurts. BUT I am finding with my better eating habits and breathing habits I can stand it a bit better. I almost always have the tv on for sound. I am sitting here with it off and actually enjoying the sound of the rain and occasional car.

Like I said it is the little things in life, a sound machine, the rain and wind, a healthy meal. A tub full of epsom salts and a razor to shave with. A view that is so beautiful even in the darkest of rainy days.

LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rape, Safety Pin, Trump, Uncategorized, What If's

I WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING

I have never felt so unloved, alone and abandoned as I do right now. I am tired of being told to get over it and to put my big girl pants on. I am tired of having to try to explain why this election is so different. I am tired of wanting to go back to that person I was who hid in my mind. This is my story and I am but a blip in the world of these stories. I am not going to shut up and I am not going to stop talking about it. This election has empowered people to think they can be openly cruel to anyone deemed inferior and some people I know and care about will never get that… I cannot keep trying to help them understand I just no longer have that energy. So remember my story when you defend those people. Pray that your daughter or son never suffers this indignity. If you have a friend of color or a different religion or is gay, reach out to them, hug them and do not stop because this pain and fear will not end anytime soon. If you are tired of me talking about it feel free to move on it will not hurt my feelings. I am not going to be quiet anymore out of fear or reprisal of losing someone. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to be a white entitled woman. 
I was 14 when I was raped, as I fought him in the back of his car screaming and crying I looked up and saw 2 men looking in. My heart was so relieved…and then they took pictures and laughed and a part of me died that night. I never told a soul what happened until 38 years later. In order to survive my shame I looked at the barrel of a gun or the razor at my wrists… the only thing that saved me was my feeling that I was such a loser that I would not even be successful at killing myself.
 
Instead of suicide I turned to drugs and alcohol. I broke my parents hearts by no longer talking to them, I ended up dropping out of school and stole so I could keep my “boyfriend” high or drunk so he would talk to me or love me. My parents eventually made me a ward of the court and that saved my life. I decided when I was sent away that I would make myself fat so no man would ever hurt me again.
 
I ended up pregnant and married at barely 17. It was not a good marriage. I loved my boy but it was not fair to him I was so damaged I was not the mom he deserved those first few years. I had a daughter with this man as well, spent 14 years married. One day he went to the store and never came back. Neither of us was ready for that marriage. We were better parents separately than together.
 
I spent the next 3 years working multi jobs and spending my time with my amazing children. They were my life line. I ended up marrying the most narcissistic man. In the year we dated he left me at least 6 times and I welcomed him back each time. He made it clear to me I was lucky he was with me, he would call me a crack whore, fat and ugly. My self esteem was so non existent I took him at his word. He cheated and mentally and verbally abused me to the point of my fighting the urge to cross the yellow line on the freeways. When I received the call from a friend that my son was critically injured and they did not think he would live he offered no support. My daughter and I drove 4 hours at midnight to hopefully get to him in time. He did not offer to drive me regardless of the fact I was in shock.. I spent 6 weeks at my sons bedside while he was in the CCU, he came once and only because he wanted to, as he put it, fuck me. Thank God for my daughter who held me up… Eventually he left….
 
14 years later I am still single, still have never had an orgasm and likely never will. The damage done to my insides from my rape and the mental flashbacks to that night anytime a man touches me just does not allow for it. I have been celibate the last 14 years I am not sure I can ever date again. I thought I could I really really thought I was at a spot where maybe I could but that has been taken away again.
 
I gave up drugs and drinking when I was pregnant and made myself a 300 pound “happy” woman. In my mind that was my safety net. A year ago I was told I was going to be a gramma and my doctors said I was going to die if I did not do something. I lost 110 pounds, the equivalent of that 14 year old girl. I shed that sweet innocent victim and now I had no clue as to who I am.. I decided to blog about my journey and be completely honest. It was painful but helped me be honest. My friend supported me, they held me up when I was down, they commented on my blog or posts. They gave me advice and liked my posts. They comforted me when I was broken… and then… the pussy story came out. In that instant everything came rushing back. All the pain and memories were raw again. I saw friends defending him. I was told by some people that I only have gotten to know on here that women are not raped they can simply say no.. I tried to write about why it is dangerous and painful. I got comments but most not in support.
 
And then what little support I did receive stopped on 11-8-16. I am talking people who have felt the need to offer up advice, who held me up in my lowest all of the sudden because of a post regarding why people need to understand voting for Trump is telling many people they do not count. Nothing just crickets on my page. Of the 370 people on my page 3 commented on that post. One is a married gay friend with a child… One is a friend who I used to work with. The ones who get it, who are living it or know someone who is are all I have left and that is enough but man it is painful.. For the first time in years I thought of that yellow line.. my children, mom and grandson are what keep me going. I would never kill myself so do not worry.. But I have never felt such loss as I do right now.
 
I HATE facebook and yet I have a group that supports my weight loss journey that I cannot bare to leave… and I have another group that truly hurts as much as I do. I feel empowered, I am still struggling and I know that life is never going to be the same. I held my friends who were not of the Trump norm, I still hold them and cry with them and likely that will not stop anytime soon. I was walking through the mall on my lunch and there was a homeless girl on a bench sobbing into her hands, a boy was next to her ignoring her. She said something about she is my mom how could she… and I did not hear the rest.
People who did not blatantly ignore her looked at her with disgust. My friend and I walked past and I started crying it broke my heart she is someones daughter. I had to go back. I knelt in front of her and touched her leg, she looked up scared. I took her hand and said I do not know what is hurting her but that my heart hurts for her. That as a mother it breaks my heart to see her so sad. She mouthed thank you but looked back down. I took her beautiful dirty tear stained face in my hands and looked her in her eyes and said I love you, I am so sorry you are hurting but you matter. She asked if she could hug me and we held each other. She gave me such a gift in that moment.
 
So to those who are walking this path with me thank you for giving me a lifeline because I need it… we all need it. I do not know all of you but I love each of you, you are my new family and friends and we are going to make a difference and I am not going to shut up anymore I am not going to let someone shame me and tell me I asked for rape as a 14 year old virgin.
To my friends who are trying to understand and maybe just do not know how to say it or how to respond thank you… 
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21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

Changes

Change has never been my thing…it scares me I mean REALLY scares me. Stepping outside my comfort zone is terrifying. I remember when I decided to move to Gresham how utterly lost and frightened I felt. My son was 18 but still in high school, he had 6 months to graduation and I had initially decided to stay until he graduated but things happen and I needed to leave. Having to make the choice to leave him behind was heart breaking and I to this day wonder if I had stayed if things would have turned out differently for him. I also had to leave my 14 year old daughter behind for a month while things got settled up here.

I remember the tears saying goodbye to my children, having to say goodbye to my dog and my friends. I had lived in Burns my entire life. I cried telling my mom goodbye, I stopped by Sentry Market to say goodbye to my dad..he was having his morning coffee and donut and we both cried. My entire adult life was packed into my car… I left so much behind emotionally and physically. I sobbed the entire drive to Gresham. I was never so alone or frightened in my life and although I think the decision to leave hurt some I needed to do it. That is the first time I truly stepped outside my comfort zone and made a change.

The move ultimately has been the best thing for me but the twists and turns it has taken have forever altered my life, some have been heart breaking and some wonderful. Although I left behind friends I have known my entire life I have made some of the most amazing friends since moving up here. I love it here.

Since July 2015 my life line and comfort zone has been 21 Day Fix. It saved my life and a few days ago I made a really difficult decision to walk away from it. A large part is due to finances, part because I am so lost and need to focus on finding me. I cannot lie I am terrified… although I will the eating plan I am losing a good chunk of life line and that worries me. As I said I love living here but the down side is it is expensive, it is 6 hours from my children and my grandchild. I do not get to see them like I would want to. But this is where I belong I can never move back to Burns nor do I want to. For me and so many others I know it is toxic.

I am scared…I am tired, I am sad, I am happy, I am so many many things but the biggest thing I am is blessed. Since my post “My Story” my friends have reached out and they touch me in so many ways. I am going to be ok I know that I am going to make that happen. It will be a process and likely this process of healing and finding me and my happy will be a lifetime journey. I find this blog so helpful and yet I do not use it as much as I would like. I will also be cancelling my internet…that will make blogging difficult at best. Perhaps that is for the best, perhaps it will be detrimental..time will tell.

So here is to my continued journey.

 

Uncategorized

Day 27/28 ~ 30 Day Challenge ~ The Circle of Life

We are born, we live and we die.. It is a sad fact of life that is must come full circle. That said I come from a small tight knit community where most everybody knows everyone in town. There are times when it seems like every time you turn around the community has lost someone.

The last couple of months have been that way. My best friend lost her wonderful father to cancer, he was such a great man, you could not speak to him and not break into laughter. His love for his family, friends and animals was fierce. He was a huge supporter of all things sports related in regards to the youth of Harney County. Such a loss for our wonderful little community.

My dear friends just lost their mom before mothers day. She was the mother of all mothers! She was a Rainbow mother, a mother to her children, to all of us that were friends with her children, all of us Rainbow girls, to her grandchildren, you name it and she was loving it… such a loss…

This morning a classmate of mine was killed in a plane crash. He was a devoted husband and father to his 5 children. He came from a long line of loving hard working ranchers. His loss will be felt in this small community..

There are others, equally important that the community has lost. Each loss is felt by this small town, they rally around the families who have suffered the loss of their loved one. Although I no longer live there and have no desire to live there Harney County loves and takes care of their own.

One of the most inspirational families I know are the LaFollettes. Beverly grew up in Burns and Brian moved there during his school years. Brian’s family owned the local funeral home and Brian eventually took over the family practice. I cannot even begin to imagine what they go through anytime they have to answer the call. They have been there to support, love, and help us say goodbye to our loved ones. I have watched Bev at funerals I have attended fight back tears because that is what she has to do… The fact that I see that struggle in her just reinforces what an amazing wonderful person she is. My father passed away 5 years ago and Bev and her brother David were so kind, patient and helpful to my mother during he painful process. They have had to help their friends bury their children, their parents, their siblings. They will never know how appreciated and loved they are in that little town.

The flip side of death is birth… Such a beautiful thing… My nephew’s half brother just welcomed a beautiful little girl into the world, first girl that anyone can remember. What a blessing!  I have several friends who have either had a baby recently or have become grandparents. Someone near and dear to me is expecting a baby it will be fun to share the joy once they feel they can say something.

I am sitting in my apartment looking down at the fountain and see a young couple, they have been standing down there for almost an hour, standing about 4 feet apart just talking. I noticed at some point she was crying, her shoulder going up and down. Eventually he went to her and put his arm around her, they just stood there and he stroked her shoulders as she cried. Eventually they hugged and she walked away, by herself crying and he went the opposite way… Life can be so hard at times yet the love we experience mostly makes the pain worth it.

I was reading about Sheryl Sandberg and the loss of her husband.. I have been married and divorced twice. I am single by choice, have not dated in nearly 14 years. I am one of those people who feel the pain is not worth any joy received. I do not trust and I am not willing to punish someone else for my baggage. But when I read what she said about her life with her husband, a tiny part of me thinks perhaps one day….

We had 11 truly joyful years of the deepest love, happiest marriage, and truest partnership that I could imagine…” Sandberg, 45, wrote. “He gave me the experience of being deeply understood, truly supported and completely and utterly loved – and I will carry that with me always. Most importantly, he gave me the two most amazing children in the world.

Sandberg wrote that as heartbroken as she is today, she is equally grateful for the time they had together.

“Even in these last few days of completely unexpected hell – the darkest and saddest moments of my life – I know how lucky I have been,” she wrote. “If the day I walked down that aisle with Dave someone had told me that this would happen – that he would be taken from us all in just 11 years – I would still have walked down that aisle. Because 11 years of being Dave Goldberg’s wife, and 10 years of being a parent with him is perhaps more luck and more happiness than I could have ever imagined. I am grateful for every minute we had.

The upside of today was I went on what my buddy Pam and I like to call a little field trip. We decided since it was national biscuit day we should probably have one for lunch so went to Pine State Biscuits on Alberta.

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I love that part of town, it used to be an area people avoided because of crime and gangs. The residents took back their streets and it is artsy and wonderful. We parked several blocks away and found some wonderful things to take a picture of! Case in point……This beautiful mural, I could not get it in one shot as a delivery truck pulled up when I started to take a picture, but I was able to piece it together.

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Then there was this wonderfully odd ATM machine!117

Saw some beautiful flowers along the way…  118  124

Pam evidently had never seen a metal tractor seat before so had to sit in it lol 123

Tonight I was once again blessed with an amazing sky view

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And my beautiful flowers Levi and Megan got me are even more beautiful. 119

Full circle…. story of life. We are born, we live and we die… It is what we do with the living that matters.

Love and hugs my friends.