Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Baby got Back…or will get Back!

I have had a lot of facebook memories popping up the last few months. Most involve having met my weight loss goal and the back issues I have had the last year or so. I got derailed, stopped blogging and lost sight of things. In my effort to get fit and lose weight I messed up my back and hip. I was walking 10-15 miles every single day for the better part of a year. I pushed myself, lost sight of the joy I had gotten from being out doors and was more obsessed with how fast and how far I could go. Having an addictive personality is a double edged sword.

Thus started my gaining 80 of the 120 I had lost. Losing the joy I had gained by being outdoors. Depression setting back in. Mostly non stop steroid for more than a year. I was lucky enough to find an amazing doctor who tried every single thing he could think of before sending me to another wonderful doctor. After more than a year of steroids and spinal shots they decided to do RFA. Basically they pinpoint which nerves are being pissy and they cauterize them. The hope is they will stop shooting pain signals to my brain. It is likely IF it is successful that I will need it done a time or two more to stop them regenerating. Success if usually 60% relief which 200% better than what I am having.

This is whole new path for me. The pain is vastly different in the last week. My butt cheek on the good side goes numb when I stand or walk. The good sides lower leg hurts and feels on fire. They did both sides but I still am a bit shocked at how the good side is the problem child right now. I have done a ton of research and the back feeling sunburned is normal and lasts a couple of weeks. I assume the butt and leg issue on the good side is just the pissing off of nerves that were only slightly mad. It is a rather interesting procedure but invasive so causes a lot of angry nerves! On the plus side the bad side is still somewhat numbed from the steroids etc so I am not feeling it on both sides….yet! It is a new journey, I have to strengthen my core… a core I do not have due to multiple surgeries. It weakens your back so it is essential to get a core and strengthen my back muscles or this has been for not.


Going forward is going to be about taking it slow and easy but consistently working on it. I am focusing on my eating again, doing small walks and exercises the therapist has given me. Today I decided to drive to get some organic veggies. I love wandering through looking at the different types of veggies and fruits they offer. They had these amazing beautiful flowers. I am forcing myself to enjoy the everyday beauty. Until I can get back to my hiking and the views it gives I have to find new kinds of pretty.

Yesterday on the way home from work I drove up to one of my favorite spots in the city. Mt. Tabor was so important to me when I was first walking and losing. It is this gorgeous oasis in the middle of our city. Yesterday I walked around the reservoir. Such a tiny little walk but was gorgeous and so quiet and felt oh so good! There was a British gent there who was reading, having tea and just chilling with his pup.

So here I am on a new venture with the same outcome hopes but a very different path. I started my journey on 7-20-2015. On 2-09-2018 I took a different fork in the path. Along with 2 friends we have decided to weigh every Friday at work, I will also measure and take a picture every other week. Being honest and sharing was so helpful to me last time I am going to do it again. So stats for the last 3 week are as follows…drum roll please….


  • Weight 265
  • Neck 15 1/2
  • Arm  L 15 1/2  R 15 1/2
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 50
  • Hip 51 1/2
  • Thigh L 23  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4


  • Weight 259


  • Weight 257.5
  • Neck 15
  • Arm  L 15  R 15
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 48 3/4
  • Hip 51
  • Thigh L 22 1/2  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

I took a lot of pictures through the first year I lost all the weight. It is so telling way more than the scale. These are 2 weeks apart and you can see how cutting the carbs and eating more, drinking more water makes a difference in the bloat.


Here are some pictures from the first year. I like to keep it handy, it reminds me where I was, where I got and how I can get back there again. It was never really about the loss of pounds on the scale although I did become obsessed with it. It is about feeling good in my skin, being as healthy as I can be and being able to be active. 170109


  • Weight 253

So here I am back at square one but I have high hopes… hopes my back issues will get better, hopes my depression will ease, hopes I can hike again, hopes that even though I will stumble I will remember to always get back up


Clean_Eating, Crafts, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journal, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Uncategorized

Unhurried Adventures for 2018

2017 was not the best year. It was full of sadness, loss, pain, the unknown sprinkled with a bit of joy. It was a year where my body betrayed me after all the punishing hiking I did to it the year prior. A year of gaining back most of the weight I worked so hard to lose. A year of losing a dear friend who walked the same path to get our health back only to lose her life to cancer. A year of not being in the lives of some of the most important people to me. A year of me slowly sliding back to the Theresa I was prior to July 2015 when I decided to try and take my life back or rather find the life I know I deserve and never allowed.

But 2017 was also a learning year and I have high hopes for 2018. I spent most of 2017 on steroids and that is toxic and brutal to your system. I cannot blame all of my weight gain on them but that is a huge part of it. The gain, bloat and topped off with manic highs and lows due to it were brutal. I love my doctor, he is so genuinely interested in figuring out a solution to my back and hip issues. He has never given up and honors my wish to not be put on pain meds for the pain. I am feeling very optimistic that we finally hit the spot!! The last shot was in a cyst they found on my spine and although I am not close to being pain free, I am also not in that constant never ending cannot get it out of your mind pain level!

I decided 2018 is going to be my year to slow down and refocus my goals. I have always been in a hurry. A hurry to get to the store, to work, to listen to others, to eat, to walk, you name it and I will hurry through it. One upside to hurting myself was being forced to slow down on my walks. It is amazing what you miss when all you are focused on is going fast and getting to the goal. I found this awesome book so treated myself to it. It basically is about slowing down and taking your time. It is full of the most amazing things to do. The writing is beautiful and their FB page has all these wonderful memes to share and have others comment on. I am really looking forward to making my FB page more toward what I had intended it to be. One of the chapters has these wonderful cards that you pop out of the book and fill out. I love their idea of putting them in a jar and pulling them out when you need a reminder of how beautiful life can be.

I am excited to see what 2018 brings. I cannot wait to share more chapters of this book because it is so wonderful. If you are interested in it I would suggest purchasing through Amazon, it is on sale as we speak. One of the quotes in the book was this…. and let me tell you it hit hard for me this year. I lost one beautiful friend and I have another beautiful friend fighting for her life. My friends lost their loved ones… we get busy, we take for granted they will always be there. The first chapter of this book is from the perspective of the author and her friend who nearly died… That friend taught her to slow down, take time out of your day. Make your life and time a priority sometimes. Even a 10 minute meet up for a quick coffee could make all the difference in the world.

I shouldn’t have to wait for my friend to get sick for us to share wonderful moments together

Here is to an amazing and unhurried 2018 my friends~

21 Day Fix, Change, Clean_Eating, Uncategorized

Soapbox Saturday

So I have dubbed today soap box Saturday! I went to the farmers market and got so many amazing things that I know are healthy. I was reminded how a year ago I went every Saturday and bought produce and fruits that I could freeze. Herein lies my soap box speech. If you prep you increase your ability to succeed tenfold. What I noticed the last 6 months since my injuries is I no longer do the amount of prep I used to. I still do a little but not enough. If you prep you will succeed. **hint if you pre-chop lettuce or cabbage try to use a ceramic knife you will avoid the browning and the excuse to not eat it!

I used to take one Saturday a month and spend maybe 4 hours doing mass prepping. I made steel cut oats and measured and froze for 1 yellow container. Pop it out of the freezer the night before and take to work the next day. No excuse to buy unhealthy breakfast. I would clean and pre-measure fruits to freeze for my smoothies, although now I realize I can just freeze in a bag and measure it out LOL. I made large batches of soups and would measure and individually freeze, pre-cook meat and pre-measure. Anything I could prep ahead of time and pop in the freezer I did. Even if I was tired and did not pull anything out to thaw I could just pop in the micro! I boiled eggs and kept a supply at all times in the fridge, prepped fresh veggies as well.

Not only does it save time and money but it saves the excuse to order out. I spent less than $30 for all the items in the picture today and most of that cost was the garlic because HELLO FRESH GARLIC!

I never make a batch of soup that takes me longer than 30 minutes start to finish and it is so good and so healthy. If you mass prep once a month you will only need to do minimal the rest of the month. WE are worth that extra few hours.

My daughter showing up yesterday was a reminder of just how depressed I have been, how this 50 pound gain has sucked the joy out of me. YES it is just a number but it is a number that has made my pain even worse, that has stopped me from finding my joy outside. Just being in the fresh air, laughing and being goofy was the best medicine I could have. And even though it was a short visit it reminded me that if I continue on this slow gain I am not going to be around to enjoy the times I do get with my kids.

Make yourself a priority, it is not selfish. If your spouse is not on board tell them how important it is and if they still are not so be it they can eat the way they choose. This lifestyle should not require making separate meals, the food is amazing and tasty and reality is WE owe it to ourselves and our loved ones. For many of us our weight is dangerous level. Our children and loved ones deserve to have mom and dad around to raise them. They deserve to have good examples so they do not struggle the same as we have for so many years. If I had not done this I would be dead or at the very least suffering from stroke related issues. It is hard and it is harder if we make it harder. If you make it a lifestyle and never ever allow yourself to feel deprived you will succeed.

Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.


Change, Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Uncategorized

Keep Calm and Carry on (day 8 of 30)

I was worried about having my MRI today, last time I had a really hard time not panicking. My friend Pam took to me to my appointment and we got there early so decided to walk at the little park across the street. I was feeling a bit panicky and waiting for the ativan to kick in. Thankfully I did not have to go all the way in, the meds kicked in and I did not panic but man it hurt to lay there.

Such pretty trees and a view that I do not normally get to see. Got to visit with her daughter Camille, play with Kira, eat breakfast and have a drink… ok I had water. And my daughter shared a picture of my goofy grandpuppy. All in all a pretty ok day. Fingers crossed for some answers. Slipped into a coma when I got home so fingers crossed I will be able to sleep tonight!

I am trying to keep my world zen… my blood pressure has gone up a little and the fact that I cracked 2 teeth is an indicator of how stressed I am. As painful as it is sometimes you just have to take a step back from people. I know I am guilty as well this whole election and #45 dealings is frightening and although I do not want to dwell on it day in and day out…..we simply cannot pretend like it is not there. We have to keep aware so in 2018 we vote the right way… but I think there is a fine line and I am trying to walk that line. I have lost several more friends on Facebook lately and that is ok….cleaning house or having your house cleaned is a good thing.

So I am thankful I have insurance, I am thankful I have a friend who will waste an entire beautiful day on shuttling me around. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful for pain, it shows I am alive how is that a stretch for positivity!!!


Never underestimate the gift of your health.  It’s the greatest wealth you will ever own.  It’s the foundation for every chance at happiness and success life has to offer.  Your body is the only place you will truly ever live.

Respect your body.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Breathe deeply.  Move harmoniously.  Daily.

**Marc and Angel Hack Life


Change, Chicken, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, Habit, Journey to happiness, Kitchen, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

Vitamins & Minerals Oh My! (day 6 of 30)

My struggle to eat as healthy as possible has hit a bump. I ate so clean and loved every minute of it a year ago and then…… old Theresa came back. Now I do not eat terrible but I do not eat as good as I used to. My ultimate goal is to become strictly vegetarian. But until I can do that healthfully I am will continue to eat chicken now and again.

I found this book on vitamins and minerals, that is truly what I struggle getting enough of, so I am going to study it and I am going to conquer the battle of healthy eating. I cannot believe how far off track I have gotten and that feeling of terrible bloating is back with a vengeance.  I miss walking but you know what I will get there again. My sad laundry list of aches and pains seems to grow almost daily and I know the key to combating this is to eat as healthy and clean as possible.

I have been trying to find something cool to take pictures of daily and share but all day today I had a headache and muscle spasms that were worse every time I breathed and well… breathing is essential so I just grabbed the column I pas every day on my way into work. You can barely see it but I got a sliver of the moon as well. So that said this is a short post today. I am going to prop myself in front of the fan in my bedroom and start reading my book. Tomorrow morning I will grab a few vegetables from the farmers market and Sunday is an MRI.

The way every moment is a new beginning.

If you feel stressed and stuck, let go, take a deep breath and appreciate the fact that this moment is a new beginning.  Stop thinking about what might have been and starting looking at what can be.  Right now is a perfect time to start over.  This moment is a brand new opportunity to rebuild what you truly want.

There are three little words that can release you from your past struggles and regrets and guide you forward to a positive new beginning.  These words are: “From now on…”

**Marc and Angel Hack Life

Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rain, Uncategorized

It’s the Little Things in Life (day 1 of 30)

Day 1 – 30 Day Challenge . Last year around this time I was challenged to a 30 day positive challenge. I am going to do it again as the memories on Facebook popping up have been amazing. However this year my challenge is to everyday find something to be thankful for regardless of how the day went. I will also be true to how I am really feeling. I did a lot of covering up last year, always putting on a smiling face because I had been taken to task by a few people on being honest…they interpreted that as being “woe is me or ungrateful”.

Today is Mother’s Day and I am unable to spend it with my children, grandson or mom. Last year the weather was beautiful and I went for a hike. This year I have a messed up back and hip and it is raining but that is ok. It is the little things in life that make it good. I cleaned, I stretched, I cooked a tasty dinner and made extra for work. I heard from my son, daughter and mom! I inadvertently flashed some men in the parking lot I mean who can say their day has been that fun filled! I soaked in an epsom salt tub, I even shaved my legs!

Some might read this and think…of that poor woman alone on Mother’s Day… how sad. But I have learned the last 2 years since starting this journey that life is what we make it. It will be full of ups and downs and sideways. I have amazing friends, some I have known my entire life, some I have never met other than on social media and some I have met since moving to the city 18 years ago.

July 20, 2015 will be 2 years since I took back my life. It has not always been easy but every single struggle has been worth it and every single victory has been even sweeter. I am not done, likely I will never be done. I spent 38 years hiding behind obesity. I spent those 38 years masking a pain that at times cut me to the core and left me fighting to not end my life. BUT I never gave up and I never will give up. I will embrace the good, the bad and the ugly and I will be honest about it.

I am sitting here listening to the rain and some thunder. I have horrible tinnitus and it can be truly debilitating I think what angers me most about it is I cannot enjoy solitude. If you have not suffered it I think it is really hard to understand. I realized just how bad it was when I was hiking awhile back and the silence was deafening…literally… It was painful how loud the ringing was, sometimes it reverberates and sometimes it just hurts. BUT I am finding with my better eating habits and breathing habits I can stand it a bit better. I almost always have the tv on for sound. I am sitting here with it off and actually enjoying the sound of the rain and occasional car.

Like I said it is the little things in life, a sound machine, the rain and wind, a healthy meal. A tub full of epsom salts and a razor to shave with. A view that is so beautiful even in the darkest of rainy days.

Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized


I participated in a 3 week challenge with my amazing coaches and I am seriously happy! I was ok with just the feeling better aspect of this challenge but my results are awesome! I still have people question if this sort of thing works or not and that it is too hard. I have stated in the past that I had initially lost 115 pounds and then life happened and I put 20 pounds back on.

I am still unable to hike 10-15 miles a day like I was and I have to modify the modify once I can actually start working out again. So with the rare exception that I got to go hiking these results for the last 3 weeks have been changing my eating habits solely. I still eat super clean just not as diligent as I was, I started sneaking around with bread… we broke up 3 weeks ago…

I am dialing my eating back in, I had been under eating and under drinking my water and anytime I do that I end up gaining. These challenges are such good reminders of why this way of eating is the only way to go.

I started at 195.8 and am 189.3 today for a loss of 6 pounds. I started at 231 inches and today am 222.5 inches for a loss of 8.5 inches. But more importantly I am not bloated, my mood is better, I am not in as much pain. This way of life is about so much more than loss on the scale or tape (but hey it doesn’t hurt if it happens)!


LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rape, Safety Pin, Trump, Uncategorized, What If's


I have never felt so unloved, alone and abandoned as I do right now. I am tired of being told to get over it and to put my big girl pants on. I am tired of having to try to explain why this election is so different. I am tired of wanting to go back to that person I was who hid in my mind. This is my story and I am but a blip in the world of these stories. I am not going to shut up and I am not going to stop talking about it. This election has empowered people to think they can be openly cruel to anyone deemed inferior and some people I know and care about will never get that… I cannot keep trying to help them understand I just no longer have that energy. So remember my story when you defend those people. Pray that your daughter or son never suffers this indignity. If you have a friend of color or a different religion or is gay, reach out to them, hug them and do not stop because this pain and fear will not end anytime soon. If you are tired of me talking about it feel free to move on it will not hurt my feelings. I am not going to be quiet anymore out of fear or reprisal of losing someone. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to be a white entitled woman. 
I was 14 when I was raped, as I fought him in the back of his car screaming and crying I looked up and saw 2 men looking in. My heart was so relieved…and then they took pictures and laughed and a part of me died that night. I never told a soul what happened until 38 years later. In order to survive my shame I looked at the barrel of a gun or the razor at my wrists… the only thing that saved me was my feeling that I was such a loser that I would not even be successful at killing myself.
Instead of suicide I turned to drugs and alcohol. I broke my parents hearts by no longer talking to them, I ended up dropping out of school and stole so I could keep my “boyfriend” high or drunk so he would talk to me or love me. My parents eventually made me a ward of the court and that saved my life. I decided when I was sent away that I would make myself fat so no man would ever hurt me again.
I ended up pregnant and married at barely 17. It was not a good marriage. I loved my boy but it was not fair to him I was so damaged I was not the mom he deserved those first few years. I had a daughter with this man as well, spent 14 years married. One day he went to the store and never came back. Neither of us was ready for that marriage. We were better parents separately than together.
I spent the next 3 years working multi jobs and spending my time with my amazing children. They were my life line. I ended up marrying the most narcissistic man. In the year we dated he left me at least 6 times and I welcomed him back each time. He made it clear to me I was lucky he was with me, he would call me a crack whore, fat and ugly. My self esteem was so non existent I took him at his word. He cheated and mentally and verbally abused me to the point of my fighting the urge to cross the yellow line on the freeways. When I received the call from a friend that my son was critically injured and they did not think he would live he offered no support. My daughter and I drove 4 hours at midnight to hopefully get to him in time. He did not offer to drive me regardless of the fact I was in shock.. I spent 6 weeks at my sons bedside while he was in the CCU, he came once and only because he wanted to, as he put it, fuck me. Thank God for my daughter who held me up… Eventually he left….
14 years later I am still single, still have never had an orgasm and likely never will. The damage done to my insides from my rape and the mental flashbacks to that night anytime a man touches me just does not allow for it. I have been celibate the last 14 years I am not sure I can ever date again. I thought I could I really really thought I was at a spot where maybe I could but that has been taken away again.
I gave up drugs and drinking when I was pregnant and made myself a 300 pound “happy” woman. In my mind that was my safety net. A year ago I was told I was going to be a gramma and my doctors said I was going to die if I did not do something. I lost 110 pounds, the equivalent of that 14 year old girl. I shed that sweet innocent victim and now I had no clue as to who I am.. I decided to blog about my journey and be completely honest. It was painful but helped me be honest. My friend supported me, they held me up when I was down, they commented on my blog or posts. They gave me advice and liked my posts. They comforted me when I was broken… and then… the pussy story came out. In that instant everything came rushing back. All the pain and memories were raw again. I saw friends defending him. I was told by some people that I only have gotten to know on here that women are not raped they can simply say no.. I tried to write about why it is dangerous and painful. I got comments but most not in support.
And then what little support I did receive stopped on 11-8-16. I am talking people who have felt the need to offer up advice, who held me up in my lowest all of the sudden because of a post regarding why people need to understand voting for Trump is telling many people they do not count. Nothing just crickets on my page. Of the 370 people on my page 3 commented on that post. One is a married gay friend with a child… One is a friend who I used to work with. The ones who get it, who are living it or know someone who is are all I have left and that is enough but man it is painful.. For the first time in years I thought of that yellow line.. my children, mom and grandson are what keep me going. I would never kill myself so do not worry.. But I have never felt such loss as I do right now.
I HATE facebook and yet I have a group that supports my weight loss journey that I cannot bare to leave… and I have another group that truly hurts as much as I do. I feel empowered, I am still struggling and I know that life is never going to be the same. I held my friends who were not of the Trump norm, I still hold them and cry with them and likely that will not stop anytime soon. I was walking through the mall on my lunch and there was a homeless girl on a bench sobbing into her hands, a boy was next to her ignoring her. She said something about she is my mom how could she… and I did not hear the rest.
People who did not blatantly ignore her looked at her with disgust. My friend and I walked past and I started crying it broke my heart she is someones daughter. I had to go back. I knelt in front of her and touched her leg, she looked up scared. I took her hand and said I do not know what is hurting her but that my heart hurts for her. That as a mother it breaks my heart to see her so sad. She mouthed thank you but looked back down. I took her beautiful dirty tear stained face in my hands and looked her in her eyes and said I love you, I am so sorry you are hurting but you matter. She asked if she could hug me and we held each other. She gave me such a gift in that moment.
So to those who are walking this path with me thank you for giving me a lifeline because I need it… we all need it. I do not know all of you but I love each of you, you are my new family and friends and we are going to make a difference and I am not going to shut up anymore I am not going to let someone shame me and tell me I asked for rape as a 14 year old virgin.
To my friends who are trying to understand and maybe just do not know how to say it or how to respond thank you… 
21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Uncategorized


Change has never been my thing…it scares me I mean REALLY scares me. Stepping outside my comfort zone is terrifying. I remember when I decided to move to Gresham how utterly lost and frightened I felt. My son was 18 but still in high school, he had 6 months to graduation and I had initially decided to stay until he graduated but things happen and I needed to leave. Having to make the choice to leave him behind was heart breaking and I to this day wonder if I had stayed if things would have turned out differently for him. I also had to leave my 14 year old daughter behind for a month while things got settled up here.

I remember the tears saying goodbye to my children, having to say goodbye to my dog and my friends. I had lived in Burns my entire life. I cried telling my mom goodbye, I stopped by Sentry Market to say goodbye to my dad..he was having his morning coffee and donut and we both cried. My entire adult life was packed into my car… I left so much behind emotionally and physically. I sobbed the entire drive to Gresham. I was never so alone or frightened in my life and although I think the decision to leave hurt some I needed to do it. That is the first time I truly stepped outside my comfort zone and made a change.

The move ultimately has been the best thing for me but the twists and turns it has taken have forever altered my life, some have been heart breaking and some wonderful. Although I left behind friends I have known my entire life I have made some of the most amazing friends since moving up here. I love it here.

Since July 2015 my life line and comfort zone has been 21 Day Fix. It saved my life and a few days ago I made a really difficult decision to walk away from it. A large part is due to finances, part because I am so lost and need to focus on finding me. I cannot lie I am terrified… although I will the eating plan I am losing a good chunk of life line and that worries me. As I said I love living here but the down side is it is expensive, it is 6 hours from my children and my grandchild. I do not get to see them like I would want to. But this is where I belong I can never move back to Burns nor do I want to. For me and so many others I know it is toxic.

I am scared…I am tired, I am sad, I am happy, I am so many many things but the biggest thing I am is blessed. Since my post “My Story” my friends have reached out and they touch me in so many ways. I am going to be ok I know that I am going to make that happen. It will be a process and likely this process of healing and finding me and my happy will be a lifetime journey. I find this blog so helpful and yet I do not use it as much as I would like. I will also be cancelling my internet…that will make blogging difficult at best. Perhaps that is for the best, perhaps it will be detrimental..time will tell.

So here is to my continued journey.