Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.


LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rape, Safety Pin, Trump, Uncategorized, What If's


I have never felt so unloved, alone and abandoned as I do right now. I am tired of being told to get over it and to put my big girl pants on. I am tired of having to try to explain why this election is so different. I am tired of wanting to go back to that person I was who hid in my mind. This is my story and I am but a blip in the world of these stories. I am not going to shut up and I am not going to stop talking about it. This election has empowered people to think they can be openly cruel to anyone deemed inferior and some people I know and care about will never get that… I cannot keep trying to help them understand I just no longer have that energy. So remember my story when you defend those people. Pray that your daughter or son never suffers this indignity. If you have a friend of color or a different religion or is gay, reach out to them, hug them and do not stop because this pain and fear will not end anytime soon. If you are tired of me talking about it feel free to move on it will not hurt my feelings. I am not going to be quiet anymore out of fear or reprisal of losing someone. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to be a white entitled woman. 
I was 14 when I was raped, as I fought him in the back of his car screaming and crying I looked up and saw 2 men looking in. My heart was so relieved…and then they took pictures and laughed and a part of me died that night. I never told a soul what happened until 38 years later. In order to survive my shame I looked at the barrel of a gun or the razor at my wrists… the only thing that saved me was my feeling that I was such a loser that I would not even be successful at killing myself.
Instead of suicide I turned to drugs and alcohol. I broke my parents hearts by no longer talking to them, I ended up dropping out of school and stole so I could keep my “boyfriend” high or drunk so he would talk to me or love me. My parents eventually made me a ward of the court and that saved my life. I decided when I was sent away that I would make myself fat so no man would ever hurt me again.
I ended up pregnant and married at barely 17. It was not a good marriage. I loved my boy but it was not fair to him I was so damaged I was not the mom he deserved those first few years. I had a daughter with this man as well, spent 14 years married. One day he went to the store and never came back. Neither of us was ready for that marriage. We were better parents separately than together.
I spent the next 3 years working multi jobs and spending my time with my amazing children. They were my life line. I ended up marrying the most narcissistic man. In the year we dated he left me at least 6 times and I welcomed him back each time. He made it clear to me I was lucky he was with me, he would call me a crack whore, fat and ugly. My self esteem was so non existent I took him at his word. He cheated and mentally and verbally abused me to the point of my fighting the urge to cross the yellow line on the freeways. When I received the call from a friend that my son was critically injured and they did not think he would live he offered no support. My daughter and I drove 4 hours at midnight to hopefully get to him in time. He did not offer to drive me regardless of the fact I was in shock.. I spent 6 weeks at my sons bedside while he was in the CCU, he came once and only because he wanted to, as he put it, fuck me. Thank God for my daughter who held me up… Eventually he left….
14 years later I am still single, still have never had an orgasm and likely never will. The damage done to my insides from my rape and the mental flashbacks to that night anytime a man touches me just does not allow for it. I have been celibate the last 14 years I am not sure I can ever date again. I thought I could I really really thought I was at a spot where maybe I could but that has been taken away again.
I gave up drugs and drinking when I was pregnant and made myself a 300 pound “happy” woman. In my mind that was my safety net. A year ago I was told I was going to be a gramma and my doctors said I was going to die if I did not do something. I lost 110 pounds, the equivalent of that 14 year old girl. I shed that sweet innocent victim and now I had no clue as to who I am.. I decided to blog about my journey and be completely honest. It was painful but helped me be honest. My friend supported me, they held me up when I was down, they commented on my blog or posts. They gave me advice and liked my posts. They comforted me when I was broken… and then… the pussy story came out. In that instant everything came rushing back. All the pain and memories were raw again. I saw friends defending him. I was told by some people that I only have gotten to know on here that women are not raped they can simply say no.. I tried to write about why it is dangerous and painful. I got comments but most not in support.
And then what little support I did receive stopped on 11-8-16. I am talking people who have felt the need to offer up advice, who held me up in my lowest all of the sudden because of a post regarding why people need to understand voting for Trump is telling many people they do not count. Nothing just crickets on my page. Of the 370 people on my page 3 commented on that post. One is a married gay friend with a child… One is a friend who I used to work with. The ones who get it, who are living it or know someone who is are all I have left and that is enough but man it is painful.. For the first time in years I thought of that yellow line.. my children, mom and grandson are what keep me going. I would never kill myself so do not worry.. But I have never felt such loss as I do right now.
I HATE facebook and yet I have a group that supports my weight loss journey that I cannot bare to leave… and I have another group that truly hurts as much as I do. I feel empowered, I am still struggling and I know that life is never going to be the same. I held my friends who were not of the Trump norm, I still hold them and cry with them and likely that will not stop anytime soon. I was walking through the mall on my lunch and there was a homeless girl on a bench sobbing into her hands, a boy was next to her ignoring her. She said something about she is my mom how could she… and I did not hear the rest.
People who did not blatantly ignore her looked at her with disgust. My friend and I walked past and I started crying it broke my heart she is someones daughter. I had to go back. I knelt in front of her and touched her leg, she looked up scared. I took her hand and said I do not know what is hurting her but that my heart hurts for her. That as a mother it breaks my heart to see her so sad. She mouthed thank you but looked back down. I took her beautiful dirty tear stained face in my hands and looked her in her eyes and said I love you, I am so sorry you are hurting but you matter. She asked if she could hug me and we held each other. She gave me such a gift in that moment.
So to those who are walking this path with me thank you for giving me a lifeline because I need it… we all need it. I do not know all of you but I love each of you, you are my new family and friends and we are going to make a difference and I am not going to shut up anymore I am not going to let someone shame me and tell me I asked for rape as a 14 year old virgin.
To my friends who are trying to understand and maybe just do not know how to say it or how to respond thank you… 

Day 20 ~~ 30 Day Challenge ~~ I am Inspired

I work with a man named Dean Wirick, he is a husband, father, son, uncle, grandfather, man of faith, an amazing worker both at work and home and one of the best photographers I have had the luxury of knowing. . His love for his family, friends, animals and all of the human race is beyond inspiring.

I started this blog as a journey to finding me, losing weight and just becoming a healthier happier person. I want it to be so much more, I want people to read it and come away with a smile, maybe a tear occasionally and perhaps a different way of looking at other people and things. Part of that healing and growing is for me to be inspired and I want to start sharing some of these amazing people with you… Dean is my first and he has graciously allowed me to share some of his photos, I wish I could share them all, I am including the paragraph he shares with the pictures. This is a man who works many many MANY weeks of 60 plus hours and yet he eeks out time for his family and to take pictures. He not only takes the photo but he takes the time to sit and talk and genuinely show interest in his model. I hope he writes a book one day and shares it with others. He is an inspiration bar none.

3He took this amazing photo of a Native American woman dancing at a local Pow Wow. She had her walker and she stood tall and proud to dance her traditional dance. I was so tickled to have captured her proud, indomitable spirit. She inspired me.

Probably my favorite photos taken by Dean are what he titled Urban Grunge… One day I hope my daughter and I can tag along with him on one of excursions, I want to talk to these wonderful people, hear their stories and just listen to them.


2.This citizen of this homeless community was a Desert Storm veteran. He has fought for the freedom of the Iraqi people and now he struggles with his own freedom. He was very kind and humble to me while we spoke. I walked away with an admiration for his strength and a profound sadness for his struggles.I was in town again today taking pictures on the other side of town and this fellow walked up to me and shook my hand. He had recognized me from the week before. We talked awhile about the fact that he has been sixteen months sober. What a wonderfulaccomplishment. He is also quite active in shelter programs for women and children. This is while he is living in a tent in this place. I was very humbled by his strength and compassion for others. What a wonderful man trapped in the same conditions as those he strives to make a better life for. I truly look up to him

Dean has a way of talking to people, both with his voice as well as his look and spirit. I love these shots he took of our veterans…

10371902_10202182602280159_3220424022231049926_nThis hero was a Lieutenant in the Vietnam War. He was very stoic to the point of being gruff. At first he reluctantly talked to me, but soon he was sharing with me his story. He served during 1967 – 68 and was involved in the Battle of Prek Klok. His unit was nearly wiped out and he lost many close friends. He looked at me in the eye and said, “it still hurts…..” Then he closed off. I put my left hand on his shoulder and held out my right hand. He looked it my hand for a few seconds before reaching out to shake it. I put my face in front of his and said, “Thank you so much for your service, I truly mean it.” After looking at me for a while he said, “you are so welcomed, Thank you…” and a tear spilled onto his cheek. These brave heroes are people too.

10306755_10202182513637943_4511760773113686010_nThis hero is 93 years old. We talked at length about his serving in the European theater in Italy and Tripoli. he described the building to building, room to room combat. He shared with me how he felt his entire time there. With eyes brimming over, he explained how He was terrified but a job had to be done. That is what courage is all about. Carrying on in the face of fear. His son, a Vietnam Veteran pulled me aside and explained how amazed he was. He said his dad never talked about the war…. never! He looked at me with a tear rolling down his cheek and said now he knows his father understands how he felt while he is in the jungles of Southeast Asia. I smiled as they walked away, son with his arm around his father’s shoulder.

There are so many more pictures I would love to share, each has their story but I am going to leave you with one last photo Dean took. His comments about the guy he took the picture of, the genuine care and love he showed this homeless man capture the essence of Dean Wirick perfectly. I am so proud to know him, to have someone of this caliber in my corner, Dean makes me a better person. I strive to take time to talk to people that others deem odd, I try to always smile and say hello to people others ignore. I hope he inspires you a little to do the same. Thank you Dean for being my friend.

526492_3223816767943_1010478199_nAs I walked by in downtown Portland, I noticed this kitty playing on the sidewalk in front of this young man. I approached him and sat down on the sidewalk across from him, crossed my legs and looked at him eye to eye. I smiled and he smiled. That is when I saw the little boy within the care worn street person. I asked him “How are you?” He said, tired….. I asked him to tell me about himself and he proceeded to tell me about his travels around the western United States by hopping the freight trains, living off the streets, dumpster diving, and at times fearing for his life. He told me of the abuse suffered from his father and how he ran away as a teenager. With a tear running down his cheek, he told me of how he is trying to get back home to San Diego so he can be with his mother in her last days. He talked about how lost he has been and how little of worth he was. I scooted forward, looking at him in the eyes and said, “Your worth far exceeds the sum of your experience and choices. You have intrinsic value. Your time past is but a series of lessons learned and your future can be as bright as you wish to make it. I truely hope you get everything you wish for because believe it or not, you do deserve it. You do have value!” By then his tears were flowing and he asked, “do you believe that?” I said, “I DO! Now you need and must believe it yourself”. That is when he wiped his eyes, really smiled and held his kitty up to his cheek and I took this image. That is when I truly saw the little boy with a small measure of hope for what the future brings. I hope he finds that little boy within himself and gives him a hug to let himself know that he is OK and it will be OK.