Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Sometimes You Have to Veer From the Path

I made a decision today… well I made the decision to not give up long ago but today I decided to start blogging again. I have had lots of people who used to follow me ask me when I was going to share again and that they are looking forward to hearing what I find works for my back. So many people suffer pain.

My decision is to take a different path on this journey. I am going to back track my back hip issues, explain how I got here and what I have done so far. I think it will help me as well. Reality is this pain likely will never subside but I will do what I can to make it manageable. Twice this week I had to stay home from work and that just is not ok in my book. Thankfully I do have the option to work from home 2 days a week and that will help with icing etc.

A bit ago I decided to work my way to the bathroom and shower… amazing how not only a steamy hot shower helps the muscles a bit but just mentally is kind of a clean start. I am taking part in a spine clinic and one of the gals said when her pain gets overwhelming and she is home she changes her socks, brushes her teeth and spritzes her face. A silly sounding thing but it just helps start anew.

I took two pictures that sum up how I feel today…I have spent the last week off and on in tears from the pain and frustration. I am bloated, I cannot hike, I am gaining, have to go back on steroids again and on and on BUT I can walk, my pain is constant but not this bad always… this is a flair and it will pass and I am lucky… some in my group never have it pass. I will take another picture in a week and have it be authentic… it will be interesting to see the changes.

I am a solitary creature and that can sometimes be problematic. I am stubborn and often just want to be left to my own devices 😊😊 I am looking forward to this new journey. I am not going to focus and try to not obsess about the weight. But it is hard… to have lost and gained so much freedom and now to have stepped so far back is heart breaking to me. Most will not understand and that is ok because even though it is a number to me it symbolizes so much more.

Getting my mind focused and working on solutions is going to ultimately help me lose the steroid bloat and gain once I am done with them.. losing that weight will help my pain, it will lower all my blood test numbers again.

Because reality is if you focus on health, wellness, eating as clean as possible you will lose. When I first started I was unable to do much more than get to work. The first month I just ate as clean as possible no exercises and lost, the second month I could barely walk the perimeter of my parking lot without painful shin splints and yet I still lost.

So no excuses. As long as I am taking steroids and the shots I will not lose and will likely gain BUT I can minimize it by being healthy so when I can get back to being active it won’t be as hard and man nothing felt as good as that clean eating. Today an FB memory popped up and it was painful… but it is something I cannot change so I share my pain with my friend and move on until the next time.

We have to choose a goal to work on over a 3 month period at the end of this clinic. Mine is going to be get up to 10K in steps. I can never go back to monster hiking daily but end goal will be to be able to do them on weekends and to finish my goal of being able to gently jog or run…it is so important to me so I will be patient❤️

I sat on my deck writing this, it is so nice and dual blessing the cast iron chair works as an ice pack 😂😂. I am feeling strangely slightly happy at this very moment… I will take it. Sweet dreams friends❤️

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Forgiveness & Breaking up with Starbucks (day 4 of 30)

I am a notorious grudge holder and beater upper of myself. For as long as I can remember I have been that person who never forgets and rarely if ever forgives. Of course little offenses I can let go of but if in my mind it is heinous I will never ever let go. It is a huge flaw of mine. Although I know it can be painful for those on the receiving end of my anger it is probably more damaging to me. It eats me up inside… I know in my head that forgiving someone does not mean what they did is ok but for your own well being you have to let it go or it will destroy you… I know that in my head but my heart just struggles with it. I draw a line and I think perhaps I think they will think they can cross that line if I say I forgive them… I know you can forgive in your heart, you never need say a word to the offender but if you do not let it go and move on it will destroy you and those around you.

I am also riddled with guilt for past things. Things that I have either been forgiven for or have been told there was no need to think I need forgiveness as they never viewed it as being something that bad. I hate people being angry at me or hurting, I will to my own detriment smooth things over so they are not hurting. Again it is a flaw… it is not good for me or them. My mom and I were having a conversation the other day and she asked if I saw her comment on my blog. In it she said I did not need forgiveness and even if I did I had been long ago forgiven. I feel such guilt for so many things, it eats me up inside.

So on my way into work I was thinking how she tells me over and over I have no need to feel guilt, but in our conversation, and many other conversations we have had, she tells me how much guilt she feels for having been a screamer when we were young. Honestly I do not recall it, I think she had a stern voice, she definitely did the spanking or grounding if it was needed. My dad never ever spanked us, he rarely ever raised his voice and he made my mom do all the punishment. That does not make him a bad father or husband but it really put my mom in a bad spot. Instead of standing with her he was standing behind her. So mom…. even though you do not need forgiveness and even if you did I has long ago been forgiven I forgive you for what ever perception you have of being a screamer. Let’s pinky swear to try and let it go. We did the best we could and we both did an ok job!

So you ask what the heck does Starbucks and forgiveness have to do with anything…. I just decided that I am going to try my best to break up with Starbucks… it is expensive, I use too much cream, I have a coffee maker and can make my own. BUT they are so sweet to me… I know it is their job and damn it works really good. They know my name, they see me in the mall and stop to chat with me, they engage me in conversation and all for the cheap cheap price of $4.05! My friend watched a special on how tech companies are hacking our brains…. and damned if it is not true! STARBUCKS and their barista’s are doing the same thing GIVE ME BACK MY BRAIN!!! Ok so maybe that is a stretch but it is so ingrained in me that even when I have no intention of getting one I find myself driving right to one. He equates it to a slot machine… It really is an incredible article, here is the link if your interested. STOP HACKING MY BRAIN

“…every time I check my phone, I’m playing the slot machine to see, ‘What did I get?’ This is one way to hijack people’s minds and create a habit, to form a habit.”

So my goal is to try to do a week without buying a coffee or tea. I am also going to start doing my smoothies again. I think I use the excuse I do not have Shakeology anymore and so I just avoid it but I am slipping back into so many bad habits. I am bloated and miserable. When I first started this 2 years ago I went for 6 months with no coffee. I know I can do it, it is rewiring my brain and creating new habits again. It’s been wonderful Starbucks but our time has to end, you are not good for me, you are an expensive habit with no reward… parting is such sweet sorrow…

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I am thankful for clarity even though at times it is horribly painful to realize you know what needs to be done and you just cannot get it done… mental blocks suck! So here is to a week with no buying coffee, if I want it I have to make it, to a week of at least one smoothie a day. It is such a great way to get my veggies in. I am tired of being tired and bloated and feeling like crud. I am likely going to have issues with my back for life so I have to get this weight back off, focus on healthy eating that will help with swelling etc. I need to get to where I am not in so much pain that I cannot get home to see my sweet little grandbaby. It is killing me to not get to know him. So there ya go!

What your daily struggles are teaching you.

Challenges are what make life interesting; working to overcome them is what gives life meaning.

Failure and struggles keep you humble, success and achievement keep you glowing, but only faith and determination keeps you going.  So stay focused, and celebrate your efforts too, not just your outcomes.

Remember that the opposite of failing is not succeeding; the opposite of failing is trying.  Your daily efforts are what make it all possible.  Appreciate what they teach you, even when they don’t lead you to an ideal outcome.

 

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Time to Refocus

Many of you know my back story and how I got to be 300 pound Theresa. Many of you know that on July 2015 I made a promise to myself. I promised I would commit 100% for 21 days while doing the 21 day fix. I did those 21 days and recommitted myself to another then another then another. I set a goal of losing 140 pounds.
 
I hit 100 lost and met with a dietitian who asked me why I thought I needed to lose another 40. I could not get beyond the number. She asked me to look in the mirror and what I saw was 300 pound Theresa even though I was 180. She told me to look again really look… Even though I was 180 pounds and a size 10 I still saw size 28, 300 pound Theresa. I started my journey at 280 which was not even my heaviest. I said I was afraid my body at 5’3″ could not handle still being 180 I was in pain. She told me to take a rest and work on my mind…that my body could handle it. That if after a month or so I still felt I needed to lose I could. Reality is every person I told I still needed to lose another 40 stated I would be unhealthy and that is true. I looked and felt healthy at 180.
 
I was hiking 10 to 15 miles a day, I was obsessed with it. I had gone from not being able to move to hiking that amount in about 4 months time. I pushed my body so hard that I hit a wall. My pain was so bad but I was so afraid to slow down so kept pushing and then that wall stopped me. I started physical therapy and was told no more hikes for a while. My depression hit back. At one point I had gotten to 170 but slowly the pounds started going back on. And today I sit at 202.
 
Reality is I was not burning 4500 calories a day anymore, I was not eating bad but I was not burning those calories. Then financially I also hit a wall and made the decision I could not afford Shakeology any more. In my mind I really thought I was going to be ok, that I could maintain. Emotionally I have also hit a wall. I feel like everywhere I turn is a damn wall. I am not the happy person I was 6 months ago, my clothes do not fit, my body hurts so bad, emotionally I am a mess. All my stress is not about my weight etc. There is so much to it but not something I can share.
 
Final straw for me was more like a bale of straw. My underwire is poking me in my arms and my boobs are spilling over my bra, my pants are tight (I had to put away my 10’s and dig out my 14/16 I had saved to give away). My underwear are too tight (do not be jelly of my paisley panties I NEVER thought I would share that picture!). I am a bit more winded walking with my friend in the mall. My results from the xrays were not want I expected and although they are not good I finally have an answer for some of the pain. But the biggest issue is I am not happy… I am not sleeping, I am angry, I am not a nice person. I am slipping back to that damaged angry depressed Theresa I was a year and a half ago. I do not want to be that person.
 
I am so determined to not give up. I have a beautiful little grandson I need to be alive for, I have an amazing son and daughter. I have wonderful family and friends. I have EVERYTHING to live for. I am not going to give up. I am going to get refocused. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is not me beating myself up, this is me being honest, taking responsibility for my actions. One day the numbers will not matter, I am trying to focus less on that and more on just being as healthy as I can be. This is me taking back my life once again, this is me not giving up. This me making ME a priority.
 
I have sat here tonight crying, staring at the computer debating if once again I should post something. I worry people are just going to say enough. I know I say that all the time but I really do worry. BUT this is what kept me honest, this is what helped me though some of the toughest, scariest times. So I bit the bullet and signed up for the yearly pass with shakeo. I know one day I will not need to use it or at least not daily but until then I will go back to using it and focusing on eating as clean as I was. No more excuses, taking the added weight off, dedicating myself to eating as clean as I was again are going to be what helps with the pain.
 
I will get back to where I can walk, I will get back to happy Theresa.. I need to learn to be ok with walking a mile or two maybe one day I will get back to that monster hiker I was but slow and steady will win this race. I will learn to be ok with monster hikes being occasional and not daily. I made a collage of varying times in this journey and I realize that even in my snappy coral pants which my lowest I was not my happiest. The picture of me in the blue jacket, the trip I took with my daughter to the coast shows my joy. It was carefree, I did not obsess over the top on food, I did not even get the amount of walking in I had hoped for. But I SLOWED down, I just looked at things, I took it all in, I was truly happy that week. I will be ok… I am tougher than I think. Goodnight sweet friends. 170109.jpg
Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Changes

I participated in a 3 week challenge with my amazing coaches and I am seriously happy! I was ok with just the feeling better aspect of this challenge but my results are awesome! I still have people question if this sort of thing works or not and that it is too hard. I have stated in the past that I had initially lost 115 pounds and then life happened and I put 20 pounds back on.

I am still unable to hike 10-15 miles a day like I was and I have to modify the modify once I can actually start working out again. So with the rare exception that I got to go hiking these results for the last 3 weeks have been changing my eating habits solely. I still eat super clean just not as diligent as I was, I started sneaking around with bread… we broke up 3 weeks ago…

I am dialing my eating back in, I had been under eating and under drinking my water and anytime I do that I end up gaining. These challenges are such good reminders of why this way of eating is the only way to go.

I started at 195.8 and am 189.3 today for a loss of 6 pounds. I started at 231 inches and today am 222.5 inches for a loss of 8.5 inches. But more importantly I am not bloated, my mood is better, I am not in as much pain. This way of life is about so much more than loss on the scale or tape (but hey it doesn’t hurt if it happens)!

 

LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rape, Safety Pin, Trump, Uncategorized, What If's

I WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING

I have never felt so unloved, alone and abandoned as I do right now. I am tired of being told to get over it and to put my big girl pants on. I am tired of having to try to explain why this election is so different. I am tired of wanting to go back to that person I was who hid in my mind. This is my story and I am but a blip in the world of these stories. I am not going to shut up and I am not going to stop talking about it. This election has empowered people to think they can be openly cruel to anyone deemed inferior and some people I know and care about will never get that… I cannot keep trying to help them understand I just no longer have that energy. So remember my story when you defend those people. Pray that your daughter or son never suffers this indignity. If you have a friend of color or a different religion or is gay, reach out to them, hug them and do not stop because this pain and fear will not end anytime soon. If you are tired of me talking about it feel free to move on it will not hurt my feelings. I am not going to be quiet anymore out of fear or reprisal of losing someone. For the first time in my life I am ashamed to be a white entitled woman. 
I was 14 when I was raped, as I fought him in the back of his car screaming and crying I looked up and saw 2 men looking in. My heart was so relieved…and then they took pictures and laughed and a part of me died that night. I never told a soul what happened until 38 years later. In order to survive my shame I looked at the barrel of a gun or the razor at my wrists… the only thing that saved me was my feeling that I was such a loser that I would not even be successful at killing myself.
 
Instead of suicide I turned to drugs and alcohol. I broke my parents hearts by no longer talking to them, I ended up dropping out of school and stole so I could keep my “boyfriend” high or drunk so he would talk to me or love me. My parents eventually made me a ward of the court and that saved my life. I decided when I was sent away that I would make myself fat so no man would ever hurt me again.
 
I ended up pregnant and married at barely 17. It was not a good marriage. I loved my boy but it was not fair to him I was so damaged I was not the mom he deserved those first few years. I had a daughter with this man as well, spent 14 years married. One day he went to the store and never came back. Neither of us was ready for that marriage. We were better parents separately than together.
 
I spent the next 3 years working multi jobs and spending my time with my amazing children. They were my life line. I ended up marrying the most narcissistic man. In the year we dated he left me at least 6 times and I welcomed him back each time. He made it clear to me I was lucky he was with me, he would call me a crack whore, fat and ugly. My self esteem was so non existent I took him at his word. He cheated and mentally and verbally abused me to the point of my fighting the urge to cross the yellow line on the freeways. When I received the call from a friend that my son was critically injured and they did not think he would live he offered no support. My daughter and I drove 4 hours at midnight to hopefully get to him in time. He did not offer to drive me regardless of the fact I was in shock.. I spent 6 weeks at my sons bedside while he was in the CCU, he came once and only because he wanted to, as he put it, fuck me. Thank God for my daughter who held me up… Eventually he left….
 
14 years later I am still single, still have never had an orgasm and likely never will. The damage done to my insides from my rape and the mental flashbacks to that night anytime a man touches me just does not allow for it. I have been celibate the last 14 years I am not sure I can ever date again. I thought I could I really really thought I was at a spot where maybe I could but that has been taken away again.
 
I gave up drugs and drinking when I was pregnant and made myself a 300 pound “happy” woman. In my mind that was my safety net. A year ago I was told I was going to be a gramma and my doctors said I was going to die if I did not do something. I lost 110 pounds, the equivalent of that 14 year old girl. I shed that sweet innocent victim and now I had no clue as to who I am.. I decided to blog about my journey and be completely honest. It was painful but helped me be honest. My friend supported me, they held me up when I was down, they commented on my blog or posts. They gave me advice and liked my posts. They comforted me when I was broken… and then… the pussy story came out. In that instant everything came rushing back. All the pain and memories were raw again. I saw friends defending him. I was told by some people that I only have gotten to know on here that women are not raped they can simply say no.. I tried to write about why it is dangerous and painful. I got comments but most not in support.
 
And then what little support I did receive stopped on 11-8-16. I am talking people who have felt the need to offer up advice, who held me up in my lowest all of the sudden because of a post regarding why people need to understand voting for Trump is telling many people they do not count. Nothing just crickets on my page. Of the 370 people on my page 3 commented on that post. One is a married gay friend with a child… One is a friend who I used to work with. The ones who get it, who are living it or know someone who is are all I have left and that is enough but man it is painful.. For the first time in years I thought of that yellow line.. my children, mom and grandson are what keep me going. I would never kill myself so do not worry.. But I have never felt such loss as I do right now.
 
I HATE facebook and yet I have a group that supports my weight loss journey that I cannot bare to leave… and I have another group that truly hurts as much as I do. I feel empowered, I am still struggling and I know that life is never going to be the same. I held my friends who were not of the Trump norm, I still hold them and cry with them and likely that will not stop anytime soon. I was walking through the mall on my lunch and there was a homeless girl on a bench sobbing into her hands, a boy was next to her ignoring her. She said something about she is my mom how could she… and I did not hear the rest.
People who did not blatantly ignore her looked at her with disgust. My friend and I walked past and I started crying it broke my heart she is someones daughter. I had to go back. I knelt in front of her and touched her leg, she looked up scared. I took her hand and said I do not know what is hurting her but that my heart hurts for her. That as a mother it breaks my heart to see her so sad. She mouthed thank you but looked back down. I took her beautiful dirty tear stained face in my hands and looked her in her eyes and said I love you, I am so sorry you are hurting but you matter. She asked if she could hug me and we held each other. She gave me such a gift in that moment.
 
So to those who are walking this path with me thank you for giving me a lifeline because I need it… we all need it. I do not know all of you but I love each of you, you are my new family and friends and we are going to make a difference and I am not going to shut up anymore I am not going to let someone shame me and tell me I asked for rape as a 14 year old virgin.
To my friends who are trying to understand and maybe just do not know how to say it or how to respond thank you… 
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21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

Changes

Change has never been my thing…it scares me I mean REALLY scares me. Stepping outside my comfort zone is terrifying. I remember when I decided to move to Gresham how utterly lost and frightened I felt. My son was 18 but still in high school, he had 6 months to graduation and I had initially decided to stay until he graduated but things happen and I needed to leave. Having to make the choice to leave him behind was heart breaking and I to this day wonder if I had stayed if things would have turned out differently for him. I also had to leave my 14 year old daughter behind for a month while things got settled up here.

I remember the tears saying goodbye to my children, having to say goodbye to my dog and my friends. I had lived in Burns my entire life. I cried telling my mom goodbye, I stopped by Sentry Market to say goodbye to my dad..he was having his morning coffee and donut and we both cried. My entire adult life was packed into my car… I left so much behind emotionally and physically. I sobbed the entire drive to Gresham. I was never so alone or frightened in my life and although I think the decision to leave hurt some I needed to do it. That is the first time I truly stepped outside my comfort zone and made a change.

The move ultimately has been the best thing for me but the twists and turns it has taken have forever altered my life, some have been heart breaking and some wonderful. Although I left behind friends I have known my entire life I have made some of the most amazing friends since moving up here. I love it here.

Since July 2015 my life line and comfort zone has been 21 Day Fix. It saved my life and a few days ago I made a really difficult decision to walk away from it. A large part is due to finances, part because I am so lost and need to focus on finding me. I cannot lie I am terrified… although I will the eating plan I am losing a good chunk of life line and that worries me. As I said I love living here but the down side is it is expensive, it is 6 hours from my children and my grandchild. I do not get to see them like I would want to. But this is where I belong I can never move back to Burns nor do I want to. For me and so many others I know it is toxic.

I am scared…I am tired, I am sad, I am happy, I am so many many things but the biggest thing I am is blessed. Since my post “My Story” my friends have reached out and they touch me in so many ways. I am going to be ok I know that I am going to make that happen. It will be a process and likely this process of healing and finding me and my happy will be a lifetime journey. I find this blog so helpful and yet I do not use it as much as I would like. I will also be cancelling my internet…that will make blogging difficult at best. Perhaps that is for the best, perhaps it will be detrimental..time will tell.

So here is to my continued journey.

 

21 Day Fix, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Mindfulness, rain, Uncategorized

Avoidance, guilt and dread

I have pulled back from my social media and that is not entirely a bad thing. I wish I could get to the point of saying goodbye to Facebook but I have groups that I participate in even if I only lurk in them at times and the people in these groups have supported me in ways they will never know. I have grown to love these people even though I have never and likely will never meet them…. I have also not been very supportive of these people and that bothers me.

I am the queen of avoidance, guilt and dread. There is the sweetest old hippie living on my floor. Every single time I see him he asks about Deklin, he knows how old he is, he wants to see a picture of him. He asks how my children are and he asks if I have had a chance to go hiking and tells me how amazing my weight loss has been. He notices if I have had a crappy day and comments on my smile if I have had a good day. Some may think it creepy but I find it endearing and he is this kind to every person in the building who has taken the time to introduce themselves to him. He is genuinely the sweetest man I have met he ends every conversation with have a great day my friend. And yet….

I have been avoiding him, dreading if I know I am going to run into him. He has had a tough life, he was a victim of a hit and run and it left him fighting for his life. He survived but permanently injured and due to that became homeless and a heroin addict because of the pain. He is clean and has been for years now but he is in constant pain and yet he always and I mean ALWAYS has a smile on his face. There are days I see him and you can just see the pain in his eyes, he looks exhausted and his use of his cane and limp is more pronounced and yet…. there is always that smile and the greeting and the genuine concern for others…

I am not sure if it because I feel guilty that I am letting my perceived issues drag me down or because I am just so exhausted mentally and physically that I can barely muster a smile these days let alone converse with someone and appear interested. I had an acquaintance who I thought was a friend awhile back tell me she was tired of my woe is me attitude. That stung me to the core because part of this journey has been one of honesty and that means the good and the bad.. I have had people comment when I mention a struggle that I should be happy and thankful for the weight loss and life I have gained because of this journey. I think they are well meaning but pretending that I am ok 24/7 would be a lie. I have people following me that have thanked me for my honesty, that it helps them when they hit those bumps. So why do I feel guilty about being honest and sharing the downs as well as the ups.. One of the reasons I was obese and at times suicidal the last 38 years is due to feeling like I could not speak about my shame, pain or frustration.

I have lived most of my life avoiding conflict and dread interacting with people most times. I hate when people hurt and I think it is to a fault and the level of how I let it affect me is unhealthy. Because of this people tend to not tell me things in order to protect me. I understand that but I also need to learn to deal with it in a healthy fashion. I HATE that my loved ones (family and friends) hurt. I wish I could be like others who hand it over to God or whatever entity they believe in but I am not there yet. I cannot let it go and it drives me crazy. I hate when I see a homeless person on the street struggling, my heart hurts and I will spend hours thinking about them and how I wish I could help them.

I have said it before but I never thought that losing weight would bring forth such emotional issues but it has and losing 100 plus pounds was easier than this part of the journey. I am finding myself shrinking back into myself, avoiding people and not doing the things I have grown to love. I have not been walking or exercising like I was, I am finding love/hate in a loaf of bread (thankfully I have not gone back to any other bad eating habits). Last week I went on a hike with my friend, I am selfish and tend to not let anyone go with me as it is my time to think and be alone. I have many amazing friends and family but this friend is so zen… I do not know how to explain it, she is real and genuine and she has an entirely different belief system than I do and I envy the level of peace she finds. She struggles for sure, she has her own demons but her view of life and the level of empathy is like none other I have witnessed. It was so beautiful up there, I miss those hikes. Walking in town is not as pleasurable as it once was… I want the trees and creeks and the solitude. I need to get back to that… I need to go for those hikes again.

I made myself go to the farmers market and grabbed some apples and pears. I had some cranberries and frozen peaches that I had done up earlier this summer. I popped them in my Instapot with cinnamon, georgia peach pie spice and ginger (no sugar). It smells amazing…I went to dump my garbage and saw Daniel. He smiled that big ol smile and I found myself smiling and could not wait to show him my pictures of Deklin. We chatted and I genuinely enjoyed it… That simple act of forcing myself to leave my apartment, go walk a tiny bit at the market made all the difference in the world.

Slow and steady… I will never give up in my endeavor to become whoever it is I am meant to be. It will be amazing at times and it will be painful at times and I will share my joys and I will share my groans and anger. I am human and I will not pretend to be anything other than who I am…. whatever and whoever that may be.

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, Clean Eating Recipes, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Thank You Universe for Stepping In….

I love Facebook memories and I love when the universe intervenes when I need it most…although most times I choose to ignore said intervention I really needed this. I have really been struggling since not being able to walk or exercise like I want to. I have gained some weight back, I am tired, in pain, depressed (partly due to my vitamin D deficiency) and just not eating the amount of food I should be. Although I am still eating as clean as I always do I am on days under eating and some days over eating and that my friends does not work. No matter how clean or healthy you eat, if you over or under eat you will see the results and they are not the ones you want.
I am finding I am slowly slipping back to that emotional state I was in when I first started this journey. I used to obsess about food it was in my every waking thought, what am I going to eat tomorrow what will I eat later today… and the last couple of weeks I have gotten back into that way of thinking. All night last night all I could think of was I want pancakes…I am not even a real fan of them for crying out loud. I am also that personality type that is not content with a faux version of pancake, or pasta or whatever it is my mind thinks it HAS to have, it is all or nothing for me. So this morning I woke up and instead of pancakes made a healthy mini 2 egg souffle with peppers, onions and a little feta. It was so much better than pancakes.
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I am in a spot in my life where the stress is all consuming and when that happens with me I cannot shut my brain down. I struggle with it on a good day but the last month or so has been a nightmare of thoughts that just will not stop flooding my head. I struggle to sleep, I am distracted, It drives me insane! I am a worrier I worry about my children, I worry about my grandson, I worry about my finances, how will I pay the ridiculous rent in this city, I worry about my job, I worry if my hip and legs will ever get better, I worry that I am going to gain all my weight back, I worry that I worry too much, I worry and I do a kickass job of it! I know that it is pointless to worry but it is easier said than done to stop. I have spent a lifetime worrying and being the peace keeper of my world.
So this morning seeing this memory was so perfect. I needed a reminder of where I was, where I am now and proof that it works and is sustainable. I am determined to reel it back in. I am going to spend the day prepping the way I used to. I will be putting bags together for work for each day. This is my way of assuring I eat enough but do not eat over. It is rare I over eat and honestly the days I under eat are the times I feel the worst and see a gain in the scale. i have a terrible habit of sabotaging myself, I struggle still with self worth and there is still a part of me that sneaks in now and again and thinks I do not deserve this. But I am never going to let that part win EVER. So thank you universe for the reminder!

I have been really wanting spaghetti for some reason… normally I am not a pasta or tomato sauce person BUT I was tired of thinking about it so…. I made a relatively clean version of it. I found some fresh herb pasta although high in carbs (59 g) it is high in protein as well for a pasta (17 g).

I chopped fresh heirloom tomatoes (peeled skin off), garlic and basil and let sit. In pan heated up olive oil, garlic, green peppers, sugar snap peas and purple onions and sauteed. Added chopped zucchini, more garlic and tomato mix and let simmer for 5 minutes added a little pepper, oregano and salt. Cooked pasta topped with sauce and a little feta and viola’!

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NOW for the memory from a year ago part….
 
If I had any doubt this new lifestyle works (and I don’t) today was proof positive it does. I reversed my type 2 diabetes a year ago but 2 weeks into this new lifestyle I had my A1C checked and found out I had bad numbers again. I asked my doctor if it was all the fruit I had started eating and she said no, that two weeks was not long enough to show a difference yet. I forgot to add this when I first posted. Those numbers would have been much higher if I had taken them prior to starting this. My eating was out of control. I think it is important to add those changes happened in 8 week time. That is how utterly life saving this program and lifestyle is.
 
Last week they called and said I had to go back on Metformin, I asked if we could re-run the tests and see if all this work made a difference. While I have not gotten my A1C results the rest of them were unreal. In 2008 my fasting triglycerides were 409 (should be under 199). A year ago they were 233, today 182. A year ago my LDL was 149 today 59! A year ago my total cholesterol was 242 today 136!
 
I may be able to go off my statin drugs now! I was talking to a friend at work and she said I need you to see something. When you called on my work cell your picture popped up and I was shocked. She showed me that picture that was taken a year ago.. when i started this I was 30 pounds heavier than that picture. I was astounded….. I have attached the picture from a year ago and one I took today after my walk this morning. It is 5:30 and I have already met my goal on my fitbit! The other picture is me not using a rubber band to button my pants for the first time in 20 years! I had to move my bra in a notch!
 
I wore a pair of pants I have not had on in probably 6 years and was told at work that I should never wear them again (by friends who said they were at risk for falling off lol). I wil never give up, I am so worth this journey. Thanks for the support, thank you to each of you my friends who have put up with my non-stop posts. Thank you for the kind words and support. You help keep me going.
21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Uncategorized

Manic Monday

I seriously want to punch someone and that makes me even madder than I already am. I have worked really hard at controlling my anger, depression, letting people get the best of me and letting things bother me so badly I want to punch someone. Today…. I really REALLY want to punch someone.

It started out great! First day of Summer, nice weather, my work buddy was back in after being gone for a week, not as hot as they were saying so hiking after work was gonna happen. AND that is when it went south…

I had a great 6.5 mile hike and feeling that high one gets from hard work. Sweating like a pig, conquered all the evil stairs and at one of my favorite hiking spots at Mt. Tabor.

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Made my way around the mountain to the other side and the sign that is my name sake! Feeling so awesome life is great, birds are chirping, pet myself some dogs and talked to some nice people. 20160620_17083220160620_170757

Look at that GLISTENING skin haha… So I am slightly annoyed because I am parking WAY up to the curb since parking is limited. I get back and a someone pulled in behind me so close I felt like he owed me $50 and a cigarette… I took deep breaths said let it gooooooo and jockeyed my way out of the spot. Most everyone pulls up to this spot where you can turn around since there are so many walker and bikers and limited ways out. A person had pulled into a spot in front of me, I pulled forward a bit and was completely STOPPED. I put the car in reverse, still I have not moved because I am spinning my head around to make sure no one is behind me and boom a mountain biker chick rides behind me. No mind you she had ample room to go in front, I am not moving and you can clearly see I am going to back up. All the sudden I hear the most profane expletives coming out of her mouth at me. She is calling me a bitch, the C word saying the F word (I am refraining from using them as I know some in my audience do not like it (you are welcome mom lol)). I said I was not even moving and she started in again yelling, swearing and people are looking at me like I am the asshole!!! I should have just moved along but she would not shut up so I told her she was a psycho bitch… she did not like that.

At this point I am shaking I am so mad, so embarrassed and so shocked at her reaction…. I do not know why I am shocked. Most bike riders are ok that I have dealt with but without fail EVERY.SINGLE.MOUNTAIN.BIKE.RIDER has been an ass…. So I slink off mad that I let her get to me, super mad she stole my hiking high and just wanted to get home. I am telling myself over and over let it go let it go!!!

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On the freeway feeling less angry enjoying some loud AC/DC and the wind blowing in my hair. And then BOOM this guy in front of me in a big truck starts into my lane, no blinker no paying attention. If I had not had my tires changed recently I would be dead. There is no way my old tires would have handled this. I had a person behind me, cannot move over because he is still partially in that lane, I am HONKING my horn at him to get his attention, he is flipping me off and I am slamming on my brakes so hard (thankfully the guy behind me saw what was happening and scooted over) that my tires are squealing and my car is fishtailing. I seriously almost pooped my pants, I have never felt I was that close to wrecking my car as I did at that moment. He finally moved over and he and his passenger have their window down just yelling at me flipping me off… I was in such shock thankfully I just ignored him and they backed off. So now my anger is back with a vengeance and I am SO MAD that I am SO MAD.

I have no desire to eat I am just so frigging mad at this point but I told myself you cannot go back to those ways… now mind you I am feeling kinda crappy because I had delightful cheese fonduta yesterday and today I paid a price ALL.DAY.LONG! Thus my stating I was glad I did not poop my pants! What I really wanted was a drink but I was not going to do that. So I went home with the intent of eating salad….

The first bag….FROZEN. 20160620_191245

The second bag…..BLACKISH AND SLIMY20160620_191440

I was able to salvage a tiny bit from the third bag…. 20160620_191626

Out of three bags of salad I was able to get a tiny bit of pepitas, a tiny bit of cranberries, a tiny bit of soy nuts, had some border line cauliflower, I found 3 green olives in the fridge so chopped them up and cut some cheese and salvaged about a 1/4 of a rotten avocado..20160620_192114

I am done. I am still mad. I am not as mad as I was but I am still angry…. I had not just walked 6.5 miles and afraid that I would be killed I would go for another walk… I think it safest to stay safely in my apartment until I go to work tomorrow!

Uncategorized

Day 16 ~~ 30 Day Challenge ~~ Feeling Grumpy

I did not make it out to take a picture today and nothing really spectacular looking off my porch… so here are a few from deck….again….2015-05-01 18.57.13FullSizeRender (1)2015-05-01 18.58.45

I am getting a bit stir crazy and tired of my lungs killing me …. This is Max, he used to live with us but needed a much more active home with people who were around more than I could give him… It was heart breaking to find him a new home but I went to a rescue and he found a home with a family who adore him, take him on 4 mile runs a day and last I heard he was living large…. This is how I feel today… I miss that lil curmudgeon he was such a goober. He would smile and bare his teeth when got excited…he was not excited here he was mad because his toenails needed clipped.  1935540_1205153813355_2822121_n

I received an email from one of my favorite bloggers Marc and Angel Hack Life.. It sure hit home for me in many ways.

When we were young life was easier, right?  I know sometimes it seems that way.  But the truth is life still is easy.  It always will be.  The only difference is we’re older, and the older we get, the harder we make things for ourselves.

You see, when we were young we saw the world through simple, hopeful eyes.  We knew what we wanted and we had no biases or concealed agendas.  We liked people who smiled.  We avoided people who frowned.  We ate when we were hungry, drank when we were thirsty, and slept when we were tired.

As we grew older our minds became gradually disillusioned by negative external influences.  At some point we began to hesitate and question our instincts.  When a new obstacle or growing pain arose, we stumbled and fell down.  This happened several times.  Eventually we decided we didn’t want to fall again, but rather than solving the problem that caused us to fall, we avoided it all together.

As a result, we ate comfort food and drank alcohol to numb our wounds and fill our voids.  We worked late nights on purpose to avoid unresolved conflicts at home.  We started holding grudges, playing mind games, and subtly deceiving others and ourselves to get ahead. And when it didn’t work out, we lived above our means, used lies to cover up lies, and ate and drank some more just to make ourselves feel better again.

Over the course of time, we made our lives harder and harder, and we started losing touch with who we really are and what we really need.

If you’re nodding your head, then you understand the need for “Getting Back to Happy” (more on that below), and you know deep down that you’ve gradually made your life harder than it has to be.

Here are some common mistakes you’ve likely made in the past, and some ideas on simplifying things starting today:

1.  You let others make you feel guilty for living your life. – As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, keep living your life YOUR way.  Sometimes we get lost in trying to live for someone else, trying to meet their expectations, and doing things just to impress them.  Take a moment and think about it.  Are you doing things because you truly believe in them?  Remember your own goals.  Live, do and love so that you are happy, because when it comes down to it, relationships can end in an instant, but you will live with yourself for the rest of your life.

2.  You always assign negative intent to people’s actions. – Another driver cut you off in traffic.  Your friend never texted you back.  Your colleague went to lunch without you.  Everyone can find a reason to be offended on a daily basis.  So what caused you to be offended?  You assigned negative intent to these otherwise innocent actions.  You took it as a personal insult – a slap in the face.  Don’t do this to yourself.  Don’t take things personally.  Don’t assign negative intent to the unintentional actions of others.  Let today be the day you look for the good in people instead.

3.  You are stuck on your mistakes. – It’s important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes.  We need to learn from our errors and move forward.  Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past.  Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you learn from it.  A happy, successful life, after all, is not a life absent of problems, but one that’s been able to rise above them.

4.  You’re letting loss devour you. – Sometimes you have to work at happiness.  Some hurdles in life are too difficult to clear simply by adopting a positive mindset.  Do you need to forgive someone?  Do you need to let go of a failed relationship?  Do you need to come to terms with the death of a loved one?  Life is full of loss.  But, in a sense, true happiness would not be possible without it.  It helps us appreciate the good times.  It helps us grow.  If you’re struggling to see the light, you’re not alone.  Find someone who understands and talk to them.  Reach out for support.  Don’t let loss devour you.

5.  You keep cutting corners and taking the easy way out. – Do what is right, not what is easy.  And do the right thing even if no one else will ever know.  Why?  Because YOU will know.