Change, Clean_Eating, climbin, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Pain, Sadness, Uncategorized

Baby got Back…or will get Back!

I have had a lot of facebook memories popping up the last few months. Most involve having met my weight loss goal and the back issues I have had the last year or so. I got derailed, stopped blogging and lost sight of things. In my effort to get fit and lose weight I messed up my back and hip. I was walking 10-15 miles every single day for the better part of a year. I pushed myself, lost sight of the joy I had gotten from being out doors and was more obsessed with how fast and how far I could go. Having an addictive personality is a double edged sword.

Thus started my gaining 80 of the 120 I had lost. Losing the joy I had gained by being outdoors. Depression setting back in. Mostly non stop steroid for more than a year. I was lucky enough to find an amazing doctor who tried every single thing he could think of before sending me to another wonderful doctor. After more than a year of steroids and spinal shots they decided to do RFA. Basically they pinpoint which nerves are being pissy and they cauterize them. The hope is they will stop shooting pain signals to my brain. It is likely IF it is successful that I will need it done a time or two more to stop them regenerating. Success if usually 60% relief which 200% better than what I am having.

This is whole new path for me. The pain is vastly different in the last week. My butt cheek on the good side goes numb when I stand or walk. The good sides lower leg hurts and feels on fire. They did both sides but I still am a bit shocked at how the good side is the problem child right now. I have done a ton of research and the back feeling sunburned is normal and lasts a couple of weeks. I assume the butt and leg issue on the good side is just the pissing off of nerves that were only slightly mad. It is a rather interesting procedure but invasive so causes a lot of angry nerves! On the plus side the bad side is still somewhat numbed from the steroids etc so I am not feeling it on both sides….yet! It is a new journey, I have to strengthen my core… a core I do not have due to multiple surgeries. It weakens your back so it is essential to get a core and strengthen my back muscles or this has been for not.

radio_frequency_ablation_y

Going forward is going to be about taking it slow and easy but consistently working on it. I am focusing on my eating again, doing small walks and exercises the therapist has given me. Today I decided to drive to get some organic veggies. I love wandering through looking at the different types of veggies and fruits they offer. They had these amazing beautiful flowers. I am forcing myself to enjoy the everyday beauty. Until I can get back to my hiking and the views it gives I have to find new kinds of pretty.

Yesterday on the way home from work I drove up to one of my favorite spots in the city. Mt. Tabor was so important to me when I was first walking and losing. It is this gorgeous oasis in the middle of our city. Yesterday I walked around the reservoir. Such a tiny little walk but was gorgeous and so quiet and felt oh so good! There was a British gent there who was reading, having tea and just chilling with his pup.

So here I am on a new venture with the same outcome hopes but a very different path. I started my journey on 7-20-2015. On 2-09-2018 I took a different fork in the path. Along with 2 friends we have decided to weigh every Friday at work, I will also measure and take a picture every other week. Being honest and sharing was so helpful to me last time I am going to do it again. So stats for the last 3 week are as follows…drum roll please….

2-09-18

  • Weight 265
  • Neck 15 1/2
  • Arm  L 15 1/2  R 15 1/2
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 50
  • Hip 51 1/2
  • Thigh L 23  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

2-16-18

  • Weight 259

2-23-18

  • Weight 257.5
  • Neck 15
  • Arm  L 15  R 15
  • Chest 51 1/2
  • Under bra 42
  • Waist 48 3/4
  • Hip 51
  • Thigh L 22 1/2  R 22 1/2
  • Calf L 14 1/2  R 14 3/4

I took a lot of pictures through the first year I lost all the weight. It is so telling way more than the scale. These are 2 weeks apart and you can see how cutting the carbs and eating more, drinking more water makes a difference in the bloat.

02-09_02-23

Here are some pictures from the first year. I like to keep it handy, it reminds me where I was, where I got and how I can get back there again. It was never really about the loss of pounds on the scale although I did become obsessed with it. It is about feeling good in my skin, being as healthy as I can be and being able to be active. 170109

3-2-2018

  • Weight 253

So here I am back at square one but I have high hopes… hopes my back issues will get better, hopes my depression will ease, hopes I can hike again, hopes that even though I will stumble I will remember to always get back up

 

Clean_Eating, Crafts, Exercise, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journal, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Uncategorized

Unhurried Adventures for 2018

2017 was not the best year. It was full of sadness, loss, pain, the unknown sprinkled with a bit of joy. It was a year where my body betrayed me after all the punishing hiking I did to it the year prior. A year of gaining back most of the weight I worked so hard to lose. A year of losing a dear friend who walked the same path to get our health back only to lose her life to cancer. A year of not being in the lives of some of the most important people to me. A year of me slowly sliding back to the Theresa I was prior to July 2015 when I decided to try and take my life back or rather find the life I know I deserve and never allowed.

But 2017 was also a learning year and I have high hopes for 2018. I spent most of 2017 on steroids and that is toxic and brutal to your system. I cannot blame all of my weight gain on them but that is a huge part of it. The gain, bloat and topped off with manic highs and lows due to it were brutal. I love my doctor, he is so genuinely interested in figuring out a solution to my back and hip issues. He has never given up and honors my wish to not be put on pain meds for the pain. I am feeling very optimistic that we finally hit the spot!! The last shot was in a cyst they found on my spine and although I am not close to being pain free, I am also not in that constant never ending cannot get it out of your mind pain level!

I decided 2018 is going to be my year to slow down and refocus my goals. I have always been in a hurry. A hurry to get to the store, to work, to listen to others, to eat, to walk, you name it and I will hurry through it. One upside to hurting myself was being forced to slow down on my walks. It is amazing what you miss when all you are focused on is going fast and getting to the goal. I found this awesome book so treated myself to it. It basically is about slowing down and taking your time. It is full of the most amazing things to do. The writing is beautiful and their FB page has all these wonderful memes to share and have others comment on. I am really looking forward to making my FB page more toward what I had intended it to be. One of the chapters has these wonderful cards that you pop out of the book and fill out. I love their idea of putting them in a jar and pulling them out when you need a reminder of how beautiful life can be.

I am excited to see what 2018 brings. I cannot wait to share more chapters of this book because it is so wonderful. If you are interested in it I would suggest purchasing through Amazon, it is on sale as we speak. One of the quotes in the book was this…. and let me tell you it hit hard for me this year. I lost one beautiful friend and I have another beautiful friend fighting for her life. My friends lost their loved ones… we get busy, we take for granted they will always be there. The first chapter of this book is from the perspective of the author and her friend who nearly died… That friend taught her to slow down, take time out of your day. Make your life and time a priority sometimes. Even a 10 minute meet up for a quick coffee could make all the difference in the world.

I shouldn’t have to wait for my friend to get sick for us to share wonderful moments together

Here is to an amazing and unhurried 2018 my friends~

Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, forgiveness, Grateful, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Loss, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Sadness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Forgiveness & Breaking up with Starbucks (day 4 of 30)

I am a notorious grudge holder and beater upper of myself. For as long as I can remember I have been that person who never forgets and rarely if ever forgives. Of course little offenses I can let go of but if in my mind it is heinous I will never ever let go. It is a huge flaw of mine. Although I know it can be painful for those on the receiving end of my anger it is probably more damaging to me. It eats me up inside… I know in my head that forgiving someone does not mean what they did is ok but for your own well being you have to let it go or it will destroy you… I know that in my head but my heart just struggles with it. I draw a line and I think perhaps I think they will think they can cross that line if I say I forgive them… I know you can forgive in your heart, you never need say a word to the offender but if you do not let it go and move on it will destroy you and those around you.

I am also riddled with guilt for past things. Things that I have either been forgiven for or have been told there was no need to think I need forgiveness as they never viewed it as being something that bad. I hate people being angry at me or hurting, I will to my own detriment smooth things over so they are not hurting. Again it is a flaw… it is not good for me or them. My mom and I were having a conversation the other day and she asked if I saw her comment on my blog. In it she said I did not need forgiveness and even if I did I had been long ago forgiven. I feel such guilt for so many things, it eats me up inside.

So on my way into work I was thinking how she tells me over and over I have no need to feel guilt, but in our conversation, and many other conversations we have had, she tells me how much guilt she feels for having been a screamer when we were young. Honestly I do not recall it, I think she had a stern voice, she definitely did the spanking or grounding if it was needed. My dad never ever spanked us, he rarely ever raised his voice and he made my mom do all the punishment. That does not make him a bad father or husband but it really put my mom in a bad spot. Instead of standing with her he was standing behind her. So mom…. even though you do not need forgiveness and even if you did I has long ago been forgiven I forgive you for what ever perception you have of being a screamer. Let’s pinky swear to try and let it go. We did the best we could and we both did an ok job!

So you ask what the heck does Starbucks and forgiveness have to do with anything…. I just decided that I am going to try my best to break up with Starbucks… it is expensive, I use too much cream, I have a coffee maker and can make my own. BUT they are so sweet to me… I know it is their job and damn it works really good. They know my name, they see me in the mall and stop to chat with me, they engage me in conversation and all for the cheap cheap price of $4.05! My friend watched a special on how tech companies are hacking our brains…. and damned if it is not true! STARBUCKS and their barista’s are doing the same thing GIVE ME BACK MY BRAIN!!! Ok so maybe that is a stretch but it is so ingrained in me that even when I have no intention of getting one I find myself driving right to one. He equates it to a slot machine… It really is an incredible article, here is the link if your interested. STOP HACKING MY BRAIN

“…every time I check my phone, I’m playing the slot machine to see, ‘What did I get?’ This is one way to hijack people’s minds and create a habit, to form a habit.”

So my goal is to try to do a week without buying a coffee or tea. I am also going to start doing my smoothies again. I think I use the excuse I do not have Shakeology anymore and so I just avoid it but I am slipping back into so many bad habits. I am bloated and miserable. When I first started this 2 years ago I went for 6 months with no coffee. I know I can do it, it is rewiring my brain and creating new habits again. It’s been wonderful Starbucks but our time has to end, you are not good for me, you are an expensive habit with no reward… parting is such sweet sorrow…

20170517_182943.jpg

I am thankful for clarity even though at times it is horribly painful to realize you know what needs to be done and you just cannot get it done… mental blocks suck! So here is to a week with no buying coffee, if I want it I have to make it, to a week of at least one smoothie a day. It is such a great way to get my veggies in. I am tired of being tired and bloated and feeling like crud. I am likely going to have issues with my back for life so I have to get this weight back off, focus on healthy eating that will help with swelling etc. I need to get to where I am not in so much pain that I cannot get home to see my sweet little grandbaby. It is killing me to not get to know him. So there ya go!

What your daily struggles are teaching you.

Challenges are what make life interesting; working to overcome them is what gives life meaning.

Failure and struggles keep you humble, success and achievement keep you glowing, but only faith and determination keeps you going.  So stay focused, and celebrate your efforts too, not just your outcomes.

Remember that the opposite of failing is not succeeding; the opposite of failing is trying.  Your daily efforts are what make it all possible.  Appreciate what they teach you, even when they don’t lead you to an ideal outcome.

 

gorgeous guys, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, pack rat, Uncategorized

Sometimes Being a Pack Rat Pays Off (2 of 30)

I really wish I were brave. One of the challenges for this 30 days is a picture of something I find beautiful or inspiring. I am going to try to not do the same old picture of my deck. Walking into work this morning I kind of had the Monday blahs and then………… right in front of me…. was THE most gorgeous guy ever! Even though he was wearing jeans and a nice shirt he was spot on! He had salt and pepper hair and a beard and was so put together in a rugged way I swooooooned! And then…. he smiled the most genuine smile and seriously his eyes twinkled. He told me to have a great day and let me tell you he set the tone. NOW I wish I would have explained to him I need to take a picture a day of something beautiful blah blah blah and tag you’re it…. but that might have been creepy so I did not. So thank you gorgeous stranger for making my morning beautiful!

I come from a loooooong line of pack rats. My mom is one, my Aunt Theresa was one and I am so glad they were.. I keep thinking I need to clean out my storage unit and some boxes in my apartment and rid myself of stuff. Then I run across something like this and think why… why do I feel the need to purge things that mean something special to me. Yes they are just things but the memories and smiles they evoke are amazing. When my aunt died and they went through her basement they found almost every single letter, picture, drawing and card I had ever sent and not only me but my kids. They bagged them up for me and what a gift.

My son was always into drawing and he was good at it. He drew the most amazing picture and then painted it with water colors for the water fowl festival. He won that year and I remember Mr. Tuning (the art teacher and artist) telling me that it was like one he had hanging in the Pine Room but he had to be honest, Levi’s was better. I could not wait to get it home and frame it. Levi had other ideas and he drew a police car speeding across the water right over the painting! He told me he did not know I would want it. I really should have kept it! But this card…he drew when he was about 8 or 9 and colored it in with chalks, included a sweet note inside and sent it to his great great Aunt Theresa. She kept everything and I am so happy because this will be framed and hung on my wall.

20170515_170223.jpg

My mom also kept a lot of what we gave her or drew as kids. I found this the last time I was home and it just cracks me up. Such an innocent time.

A. No wonder my career as a high fashion designer did not pan out.

B. I was relieved to see she checked the YES box!!

Of course I am notorious pack rat as well… I did this mold of Kayla’s hand when she was about 4 months old. That makes this gem 30 years old. I so wish they had that kit when Levi was a baby. It is one of the best baby gifts I got and I will keep this forever. It has definitely seen better days but I love it. Hmmmmm I wonder if Levi would let me make a mold of his hands now…

It seems so silly and so simple but really, finding beauty in every day things these days can be kind of tough. So I am thankful for pack rats, I am thankful for gorgeous random guys, I am thankful that I inherited the pack rat gene. I am about 3000 steps from my 10K for the day but not going to sweat it. My back hurts and my leg is numb so if I meander in my apartment another 3000 cool if not that is ok too. I love Mark and Angel Hack Life and have shared their posts in the past. So since part of this 30 days is being grateful I leave you with this….

The unique privilege of being YOU.

YOU are one of a kind.  You are lucky enough to have something that makes you different from everyone else.  Embrace your individuality.  Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy.  So appreciate what it feels like underneath your own skin.  You are amazing just the way you are.

Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be someone or something we aren’t.  Every one of us has our own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are, and aren’t, that you will truly find the happiness and fulfillment you seek.

Clean_Eating, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, rain, Uncategorized

It’s the Little Things in Life (day 1 of 30)

Day 1 – 30 Day Challenge . Last year around this time I was challenged to a 30 day positive challenge. I am going to do it again as the memories on Facebook popping up have been amazing. However this year my challenge is to everyday find something to be thankful for regardless of how the day went. I will also be true to how I am really feeling. I did a lot of covering up last year, always putting on a smiling face because I had been taken to task by a few people on being honest…they interpreted that as being “woe is me or ungrateful”.

Today is Mother’s Day and I am unable to spend it with my children, grandson or mom. Last year the weather was beautiful and I went for a hike. This year I have a messed up back and hip and it is raining but that is ok. It is the little things in life that make it good. I cleaned, I stretched, I cooked a tasty dinner and made extra for work. I heard from my son, daughter and mom! I inadvertently flashed some men in the parking lot I mean who can say their day has been that fun filled! I soaked in an epsom salt tub, I even shaved my legs!

Some might read this and think…of that poor woman alone on Mother’s Day… how sad. But I have learned the last 2 years since starting this journey that life is what we make it. It will be full of ups and downs and sideways. I have amazing friends, some I have known my entire life, some I have never met other than on social media and some I have met since moving to the city 18 years ago.

July 20, 2015 will be 2 years since I took back my life. It has not always been easy but every single struggle has been worth it and every single victory has been even sweeter. I am not done, likely I will never be done. I spent 38 years hiding behind obesity. I spent those 38 years masking a pain that at times cut me to the core and left me fighting to not end my life. BUT I never gave up and I never will give up. I will embrace the good, the bad and the ugly and I will be honest about it.

I am sitting here listening to the rain and some thunder. I have horrible tinnitus and it can be truly debilitating I think what angers me most about it is I cannot enjoy solitude. If you have not suffered it I think it is really hard to understand. I realized just how bad it was when I was hiking awhile back and the silence was deafening…literally… It was painful how loud the ringing was, sometimes it reverberates and sometimes it just hurts. BUT I am finding with my better eating habits and breathing habits I can stand it a bit better. I almost always have the tv on for sound. I am sitting here with it off and actually enjoying the sound of the rain and occasional car.

Like I said it is the little things in life, a sound machine, the rain and wind, a healthy meal. A tub full of epsom salts and a razor to shave with. A view that is so beautiful even in the darkest of rainy days.

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Clean_Eating, Cravings, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Time to Refocus

Many of you know my back story and how I got to be 300 pound Theresa. Many of you know that on July 2015 I made a promise to myself. I promised I would commit 100% for 21 days while doing the 21 day fix. I did those 21 days and recommitted myself to another then another then another. I set a goal of losing 140 pounds.
 
I hit 100 lost and met with a dietitian who asked me why I thought I needed to lose another 40. I could not get beyond the number. She asked me to look in the mirror and what I saw was 300 pound Theresa even though I was 180. She told me to look again really look… Even though I was 180 pounds and a size 10 I still saw size 28, 300 pound Theresa. I started my journey at 280 which was not even my heaviest. I said I was afraid my body at 5’3″ could not handle still being 180 I was in pain. She told me to take a rest and work on my mind…that my body could handle it. That if after a month or so I still felt I needed to lose I could. Reality is every person I told I still needed to lose another 40 stated I would be unhealthy and that is true. I looked and felt healthy at 180.
 
I was hiking 10 to 15 miles a day, I was obsessed with it. I had gone from not being able to move to hiking that amount in about 4 months time. I pushed my body so hard that I hit a wall. My pain was so bad but I was so afraid to slow down so kept pushing and then that wall stopped me. I started physical therapy and was told no more hikes for a while. My depression hit back. At one point I had gotten to 170 but slowly the pounds started going back on. And today I sit at 202.
 
Reality is I was not burning 4500 calories a day anymore, I was not eating bad but I was not burning those calories. Then financially I also hit a wall and made the decision I could not afford Shakeology any more. In my mind I really thought I was going to be ok, that I could maintain. Emotionally I have also hit a wall. I feel like everywhere I turn is a damn wall. I am not the happy person I was 6 months ago, my clothes do not fit, my body hurts so bad, emotionally I am a mess. All my stress is not about my weight etc. There is so much to it but not something I can share.
 
Final straw for me was more like a bale of straw. My underwire is poking me in my arms and my boobs are spilling over my bra, my pants are tight (I had to put away my 10’s and dig out my 14/16 I had saved to give away). My underwear are too tight (do not be jelly of my paisley panties I NEVER thought I would share that picture!). I am a bit more winded walking with my friend in the mall. My results from the xrays were not want I expected and although they are not good I finally have an answer for some of the pain. But the biggest issue is I am not happy… I am not sleeping, I am angry, I am not a nice person. I am slipping back to that damaged angry depressed Theresa I was a year and a half ago. I do not want to be that person.
 
I am so determined to not give up. I have a beautiful little grandson I need to be alive for, I have an amazing son and daughter. I have wonderful family and friends. I have EVERYTHING to live for. I am not going to give up. I am going to get refocused. This is not me feeling sorry for myself, this is not me beating myself up, this is me being honest, taking responsibility for my actions. One day the numbers will not matter, I am trying to focus less on that and more on just being as healthy as I can be. This is me taking back my life once again, this is me not giving up. This me making ME a priority.
 
I have sat here tonight crying, staring at the computer debating if once again I should post something. I worry people are just going to say enough. I know I say that all the time but I really do worry. BUT this is what kept me honest, this is what helped me though some of the toughest, scariest times. So I bit the bullet and signed up for the yearly pass with shakeo. I know one day I will not need to use it or at least not daily but until then I will go back to using it and focusing on eating as clean as I was. No more excuses, taking the added weight off, dedicating myself to eating as clean as I was again are going to be what helps with the pain.
 
I will get back to where I can walk, I will get back to happy Theresa.. I need to learn to be ok with walking a mile or two maybe one day I will get back to that monster hiker I was but slow and steady will win this race. I will learn to be ok with monster hikes being occasional and not daily. I made a collage of varying times in this journey and I realize that even in my snappy coral pants which my lowest I was not my happiest. The picture of me in the blue jacket, the trip I took with my daughter to the coast shows my joy. It was carefree, I did not obsess over the top on food, I did not even get the amount of walking in I had hoped for. But I SLOWED down, I just looked at things, I took it all in, I was truly happy that week. I will be ok… I am tougher than I think. Goodnight sweet friends. 170109.jpg
Beach Body, Change, Clean_Eating, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, LIFE IS GOOD, Mindfulness, New Beginnings, Shakeology, Uncategorized

Changes

I participated in a 3 week challenge with my amazing coaches and I am seriously happy! I was ok with just the feeling better aspect of this challenge but my results are awesome! I still have people question if this sort of thing works or not and that it is too hard. I have stated in the past that I had initially lost 115 pounds and then life happened and I put 20 pounds back on.

I am still unable to hike 10-15 miles a day like I was and I have to modify the modify once I can actually start working out again. So with the rare exception that I got to go hiking these results for the last 3 weeks have been changing my eating habits solely. I still eat super clean just not as diligent as I was, I started sneaking around with bread… we broke up 3 weeks ago…

I am dialing my eating back in, I had been under eating and under drinking my water and anytime I do that I end up gaining. These challenges are such good reminders of why this way of eating is the only way to go.

I started at 195.8 and am 189.3 today for a loss of 6 pounds. I started at 231 inches and today am 222.5 inches for a loss of 8.5 inches. But more importantly I am not bloated, my mood is better, I am not in as much pain. This way of life is about so much more than loss on the scale or tape (but hey it doesn’t hurt if it happens)!

 

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WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

So a couple of things I realized…

* My one year on this awesome new life was the 12th not the 20th like I have thought this last year lol.

* I not only lost 103 pounds and over 80 inches but also my unmatched sock lifestyle that was my FLAIR! Not sure why but kinda makes me sad.

* I have “met” some of the most amazing supportive people because of this. And as much as they say I inspire them THEY inspire me, they help me to keep fighting for this, they helped give me a voice and never judged or told me to shut up. They allowed me to post daily and sometimes multiple times a day my feelings and that helped me more than anything….finally being accountable for my actions or lack thereof. They “got” that being brutally honest about daily dealings etc was not me being whiny but me being honest and that allowed and still allows me to heal.

*I went from rarely smiling and never posting a picture of myself to smiling like a fool and over posting pictures of myself.

* Realized that I actually have self worth, that I am not ugly or unlovable, that I bring value to this world and others.

* That I did this… me and I have every right to be proud of the hard work and need to stop minimizing or apologizing for stuff related to it.

* That me…the person who kept herself obese as a self preservation mode, the person who spent most days laying on a couch, who could not walk 100 yards without being in pain, who never showed her arms or legs, who walked with her head down and never looked people in the eyes, who let one act all those years ago dictate that life….Me the person who now walks proud, smiles, engages people, walks up to 15 miles, shows my arms and legs (which reminds me I HAVE to remember to shave now), that laughs and does things I never thought possible. ME the person who is ridiculously happy 90% of the time but the last few days had to realize that I still have work to do, more than I thought.

* That it is ok to not be 100% all the time, that it is ok to have down moments. It is ok to be in those moments as long as I move on from them. I have some real work to do now. The last 2 or 3 weeks have been tough emotionally. I spent a good portion of my life depressed and suicidal… If there was ever a plus to having no self esteem it was that it kept me from following through on it. I have spent years where I could barely breath or function but I had 2 of the most amazing children that kept me going….that and I thought I was such a loser that I would not be successful at killing myself, that I would fuck it up like every other thing I touched and just become a vegetable that was aware of her surroundings but could do nothing but lay like a bump on a log. As sad as that comment is it saved my life. That and my friends and family and now my new friends and family I have met through this journey.

I have an addictive personality.. it was drugs, drinking, spending money I did not have, eating. Having my kids changed the drugs and drinking part of the punishing myself behaviors but the next 38 years was eating and hiding. This last year has helped me shed that part. The last year I became addicted to walking and hiking and that is not a bad thing but it became an obsession that over rode everything else… so my body is paying for that and I am having to scale back a bit and do some physical therapy.

I also am learning that it is ok if not everyone likes me or wants to be around me. That I do not need to take it personally. I have always been the keeper of the peace and sometimes you just cannot do it and need to let go. I say that I am keeper of the peace but I am also the most UNFORGIVING person if you cross me and I deem it over the line. That is something I am working on. That it is ok to state your opinion but be careful to not deliberately hurt others in doing so. That it is ok to agree to disagree.

So I am now going to work on the inside of me. I was talking to my friend today and told her that for the first time in a year or more I am really really down…down enough that I am not sleeping well, that I am not enjoying my walking like I love to do, that my mind is wandering to that place where I think, is this how life is going to be…how I do not want to be afraid or worry the rest of my days like this… I know I would never go back to that suicidal person but I do need to be cognizant of those feelings. Life is hard right now, we are bombarded by people killing each other, this terrible presidential election, the state of our world, the fact that it is a constant worry how we will retire or pay rent etc etc etc. I am trying very hard to move on from that. I do not have cable, I do not get the paper, I know hiding ones head is not healthy but sometimes you just have to take a break from reality.

So thank you to everyone who has supported me this last year. I am going to enjoy reading my memories that show up to see just how far I have come! Ok so that is more than a couple of things! I included some of my journey… the first time I climbed to the top of Mt. Tabor, the first time I made it up Mt. Talbert, my first time around Powell Butte and some that show how miserable I was and how awesome life started to become!

21 Day Fix, Beach Body, Change, climbin, Exercise, Fear, gratitude, Habit, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, kindness, LIFE IS GOOD, Uncategorized

Manic Monday

I seriously want to punch someone and that makes me even madder than I already am. I have worked really hard at controlling my anger, depression, letting people get the best of me and letting things bother me so badly I want to punch someone. Today…. I really REALLY want to punch someone.

It started out great! First day of Summer, nice weather, my work buddy was back in after being gone for a week, not as hot as they were saying so hiking after work was gonna happen. AND that is when it went south…

I had a great 6.5 mile hike and feeling that high one gets from hard work. Sweating like a pig, conquered all the evil stairs and at one of my favorite hiking spots at Mt. Tabor.

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Made my way around the mountain to the other side and the sign that is my name sake! Feeling so awesome life is great, birds are chirping, pet myself some dogs and talked to some nice people. 20160620_17083220160620_170757

Look at that GLISTENING skin haha… So I am slightly annoyed because I am parking WAY up to the curb since parking is limited. I get back and a someone pulled in behind me so close I felt like he owed me $50 and a cigarette… I took deep breaths said let it gooooooo and jockeyed my way out of the spot. Most everyone pulls up to this spot where you can turn around since there are so many walker and bikers and limited ways out. A person had pulled into a spot in front of me, I pulled forward a bit and was completely STOPPED. I put the car in reverse, still I have not moved because I am spinning my head around to make sure no one is behind me and boom a mountain biker chick rides behind me. No mind you she had ample room to go in front, I am not moving and you can clearly see I am going to back up. All the sudden I hear the most profane expletives coming out of her mouth at me. She is calling me a bitch, the C word saying the F word (I am refraining from using them as I know some in my audience do not like it (you are welcome mom lol)). I said I was not even moving and she started in again yelling, swearing and people are looking at me like I am the asshole!!! I should have just moved along but she would not shut up so I told her she was a psycho bitch… she did not like that.

At this point I am shaking I am so mad, so embarrassed and so shocked at her reaction…. I do not know why I am shocked. Most bike riders are ok that I have dealt with but without fail EVERY.SINGLE.MOUNTAIN.BIKE.RIDER has been an ass…. So I slink off mad that I let her get to me, super mad she stole my hiking high and just wanted to get home. I am telling myself over and over let it go let it go!!!

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On the freeway feeling less angry enjoying some loud AC/DC and the wind blowing in my hair. And then BOOM this guy in front of me in a big truck starts into my lane, no blinker no paying attention. If I had not had my tires changed recently I would be dead. There is no way my old tires would have handled this. I had a person behind me, cannot move over because he is still partially in that lane, I am HONKING my horn at him to get his attention, he is flipping me off and I am slamming on my brakes so hard (thankfully the guy behind me saw what was happening and scooted over) that my tires are squealing and my car is fishtailing. I seriously almost pooped my pants, I have never felt I was that close to wrecking my car as I did at that moment. He finally moved over and he and his passenger have their window down just yelling at me flipping me off… I was in such shock thankfully I just ignored him and they backed off. So now my anger is back with a vengeance and I am SO MAD that I am SO MAD.

I have no desire to eat I am just so frigging mad at this point but I told myself you cannot go back to those ways… now mind you I am feeling kinda crappy because I had delightful cheese fonduta yesterday and today I paid a price ALL.DAY.LONG! Thus my stating I was glad I did not poop my pants! What I really wanted was a drink but I was not going to do that. So I went home with the intent of eating salad….

The first bag….FROZEN. 20160620_191245

The second bag…..BLACKISH AND SLIMY20160620_191440

I was able to salvage a tiny bit from the third bag…. 20160620_191626

Out of three bags of salad I was able to get a tiny bit of pepitas, a tiny bit of cranberries, a tiny bit of soy nuts, had some border line cauliflower, I found 3 green olives in the fridge so chopped them up and cut some cheese and salvaged about a 1/4 of a rotten avocado..20160620_192114

I am done. I am still mad. I am not as mad as I was but I am still angry…. I had not just walked 6.5 miles and afraid that I would be killed I would go for another walk… I think it safest to stay safely in my apartment until I go to work tomorrow!

21 Day Fix, Uncategorized

Perceptions & Reality…what a slippery slope

I have really struggled this last week with my attitude and my perception vs my reality.

Due to the rain and it getting dark by the time I am off work I have not been able to continue my level of outdoor hiking and walking. I have gone from 10-15 miles a day to not even getting 10,000 steps in. All week I have been angry, depressed, whiny and sliding back into the pre-July Theresa. I gained 3 pounds even though I was eating the same and I was blaming it on my not being able to walk like I was.

My perception was I was doomed to slow my progress down and not get to walk outside. My reality is unless there are gale force winds and pouring buckets of rain I can walk outside, granted I may not always get the amount in I was but I can still get some fresh air and enjoy the outdoors. When I cannot walk outside I can go to the gym and the fact that I have only gained weight twice since starting this I am lucky! My friend & I decided to start using our breaks to walk in the mall, we do the same at lunch. That got me 5 miles in today! AND there will always be ups and downs both in life and the scale!

My rent was raised $185 a month, I have been so angry about it. My perception was how unfair this was. My reality after talking to the landlord is I am lucky. Everyone else had their rent raised $200 plus the $60 for parking and storage. Part of my $185 was the $60 so I am pretty lucky. I am also incredibly lucky that I can afford to live in a safe, clean and beautiful apartment. A place where although I need to be diligent and pay attention, it is relatively safe to walk around there at night. Will it be a struggle, yes, but life is full of struggles, how we choose to deal with it is up to us.

Work has been stressful, perception in general is the “be thankful you have a job” spiel is annoying. Reality is I am thankful I have a job and I should be thankful I have it. I could be unemployed. I work with incredibly talented, funny, amazing and wonderful people. 95% of the time I love my job and those I work with. So we may or may not get our bonus, yeah that sucks but many people do not get one (ok likely tomorrow I will be mad about this again lol).

There are days my perception of life is why cant it be simpler, why cant it be easier, why cant I have money like others do….why, why, why… Reality is many people who have money, who seemingly have everything they could hope to have are absolutely empty inside. Wondering if people like them for them or their money or fame. At least I know I am not liked for my vast wealth!

 

So my altered perception this week has been righted by reality, the reality I have amazing family and friends, both those I have met and those I have yet to meet. That although I worry I am over sharing and saturating people with my posts, I am being told daily that it is appreciated, that I have inspired them and that my friends, is more valuable than all the pounds, inches and money in the world.

OH and I walked 11.79 miles today…..yes…..all is right in my little world right now.

But the biggest shot of reality I received was… not one single second of the last week did I think of eating something bad… not once did I consider straying from my new way of clean eating. That is huge for me! The fact that not only is eating clean and exercising good for my physical well being but it has altered my emotional well being as well.

I did get a good laugh compliments of Tayler the dog I am watching… thank goodness the check she ate was not for $78 million dollars but rather .78 cents!