Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Fear, Grateful, gratitude, Happiness, Journey to happiness, joy, LIFE IS GOOD, New Beginnings, Uncategorized

I Believe in Me

I heard about a park in Gresham that they are trying to add more trails to etc. Decided to check it out, my head is just in need of nature. I have spent the last 3 or so weeks on the edge of tears every second of the day. I am really really good at hiding that with the exception of a select few people. I miss hiking so much, last year at this time I was doing 10-15 miles a day. I could hike up the steepest rockiest trails with no stopping and being minimally winded. BUT I got to a point where I no longer enjoyed them for the beauty. I would see how fast, how many miles, how much equivalent of stairs I could go and then I would make myself beat that the next day. I beat my body to a pulp and am now paying for it. 50 pounds heavier, excruciating back, leg, hip and feet pain later I can no longer do that level of hiking.

I was huffing and puffing and lamenting the fact I had to take a million breaks and how far I am from where I was last year. I looked at that uphill climb and thought over and over I just cannot do it I am going to turn back. But I watched an amazing movie called Footprints the Movie: The Path of Your Life. Now it was very religion based but the message was outstanding and as I was watching it last night I was crying and laughing and smiling and wanting that pilgrimage they were doing. So today, this hike that should have been super easy became that pilgrimage for me so to speak. I kept thinking the uphill would end and then it just kept going and going and so did I. In my defense, when I came back down I realized it really was a tough climb! An elevation of 935 should not be that hard but it is straight up and no switchbacks. Coming down was a little harder!

I was thinking I need a sign….then I saw a little dead mole and thought holy shit that is NOT the sign I wanted….does it mean turn around before you keel over???? I swear it was hot and my heart was beating out of my chest…so I reminded myself sometimes a dead mole in the trail is just that 😉 At that moment my phone vibrated so I took that as a sign to stop and breath… it was from my mom and was about my aunt who is hands down one of the strongest women I know. She has some serious health issues right now and at that moment I was reminded just how lucky I am. Then I saw a picture my daughter posted to my FB page because hello I needed to rest! It was the picture I included here that said I believe in you….  it is scary how much she id dialed into me.. that message made me keep going. So all in all not a bad hike, just a hair under 5 miles and the stair equivalent was pretty high!

I am struggling, I am sabotaging, I am teetering on a level I have not teetered on for years. I decided to weigh and measure myself and then find a picture of where I started, where I was when I hit 100 pounds lost and where I am now. I am way better then when I started. But I am not happy where I am. My body hurts and it cannot support this weight. I have to get my head back in the game.

I am no longer happy and my body is not efficient like it was. BUT I cannot go back to the level of pushing that I was before. What I can do is dial my eating back in and by that I mean EAT, I am not a calorie counter but decided I needed to see what I was getting and it is most days less that 800 a day. I just do not want to eat, I do not want to chew who the hell is this person who used to love to eat!!! Today’s hike, the picture from my daughter, the amazing way I feel now that my legs are no longer quivering and my lungs are no longer on fire is just what I needed.

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21 Day Fix, Clean_Eating, climbin, Exercise, Habit, Journey to happiness, Loss, Shakeology

Holy WOW

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Today marks my 15th week of my new clean eating, 21 day fix and shakeology. I am beyond humbled, astounded, amazed and blessed by the amount of support I have received while on this journey. Not just from friends and family but from strangers all over the world (I still cannot wrap my head around that one). I have had many ask how I got to the point of deciding to do something, what the turning point was. I think to answer that I have to share where it all began and I think it is important because all to often people think obese people as being lazy or weak. I am not going to go full into it as I know it hurts some of those around me when I do and if you want to know I have been honest throughout this blogging so you can read about it from earlier posts. But one violent act when I was 14 set the tone for the next 38 years.

I let that one act that I felt I needed to keep a secret dictate how I would interact with people for the next 38 years. I started taking drugs and drinking to numb myself from the shame and pain. Eventually my parents made me a ward of the court which literally saved my life. I had become this person who hurt, stole, cheated and disappointed the people who meant the most to me in this world. I met the father of my children while living with my foster mom, when I moved back to town he followed. By 17 I was pregnant and married at 18 I had a beautiful son. On top of the shame I felt from the act at 14 I now had the shame of being a teen pregnant (self imposed). 4 years later I had a beautiful daughter but my marriage was not a happy one.

I have a very addictive personality so when I gave up drinking and drugs I turned to food to numb my pain. I thought if I become fat no man will ever hurt me again…thus started the ugly 38 year trend. My turning point was a woman I had never met other than on Facebook who planted a little seed in my head. I ignored it and she knew enough to just gently nudge me now and again. Eventually it took root, I found I was going to be a gramma and my type 2 diabetes had returned after I had reversed it, I was told I would need to go back on meds and I just did not want to. A second woman I had never met other than on Facebook reached out to me and planted the clean eating Shakeology seed, she too knew I needed time to process and eventually it did. And that brings me to July 20, 2015 and the beginning of my new amazing life.

I started this on 7-20-15 weighing 280.4 pounds a BMI of 54.2 and a total of 274.25 inches. Today 8-15-15 I weigh 222.5 pounds a BMI of 47.2 and total of 232 inches. I have officially lost 57.9 pounds and 42.25 inches in 15 weeks! I have gone from walking less than 3000 steps a day if that to an amazing 30,855 steps (15.43 miles) yesterday. I have days where I get 130 floors in on my hikes and yesterday I hiked 7.3 miles in under 2 hours. But better than the loss of weight and inches is the gain of happiness, self esteem and over all feeling of well being. I am learning to love me, I look people in the eyes and say thank you, I smile A LOT, I talk to people rather than pass them by. I have had people ask me if I bought shoes with heals because I seem taller, because I carry myself better thus seeming to be taller. I no longer slouch trying to hide myself. I am learning to slow down, take in the beauty around me and enjoy every single day. I have reversed by diabetes, lowered my blood pressure, slashed more than in half my cholesterol and have eliminated 10 drugs!

So thank you to all of the amazing people who inspire me, who encourage me and cheer me on, to those of you who do not tell me to shut up already!! I go on and on because I believe in this, I want others to experience it. Is it easy, not really, is it so hard you cannot be successful HELL NO, it can be done with work. It is not easy but it is not the hardest thing I have ever done either. Mentally I was ready and thanks to a few wonderful people who saw my potential and were willing to be patient with me I am succeeding at it. This is NOT a diet, it is NOT an easy solution, it is NOT a quick fix but it is an absolutely sustainable way of life. It is a way of eating, exercising and living that I can do every single day for the rest of my life.

More than the shedding of the pounds I am slowly shedding the pain of that hurt, angry and shamed 14 year old me and I am slowly finding my way back to Theresa a Theresa who for the first time in her life is comfortable in her own skin.

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